anabel32 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I feel so lost, it has been about 5 weeks since broke up the affair, he said he wanted to be friends with me and kept being in touch intensively after for few days, then backed off for a while, then got in touch again… When he initiates to see me (public place small catch up only) and it sounds like he genuinely wants to know how I am and have a proper heart to heart catch up conversation, there is always something else he does at that time that just screws it up, like his work colleague is joining and we cannot openly talk, because in the eyes of others we shouldn’t know each other so well. SO it is all faked up and I don’t see the point. I understand that maybe he picks up safe place where we wouldn’t jump into emotional conversations about our past but going into the opposite direction doesn’t also makes sense as pretending around other people that we are just work colleagues and nothing ever happened between us and we hardly know each other feels very pointless to me as well… I am so heartbroken, as I still have feeling for him, so everytime I interact with him when he doesn’t show that care and attention that he used to when we were together, it hurts. It is not like I want to go back to the affair, but it is hard to accept the reality of being “just” friends, after we shared much more. It is like pretending that everything is ok, that I am fine with this arrangement but I AM NOT! I feel hurt, but I never said that or did anything with it to change it. It has been 5 weeks now. He recently helped me to purchase something on the local auction, as I couldn’t attend. He won the bid for me and settled the transaction. I was thankful he helped out, he acted normally, like we are friends who help each other… so I also pretended I am “cool” and “easy” and “friends” whereas inside I was shattered. He then insist that the item from the auction I should treat as gift from him.. he didn’t want the money back for it, but I didn’t accept it. I said that taking gifts now from him would make me feel very uncomfortable and I am hoping he understands that. He never replied. It is hard to be friends with him after we shared something much deeper. It is like settling down for less, since the feeling are still there… What should I do?? Cut it off? Talk to him?? Give myself some time? Help please… Link to post Share on other sites
Have_hope Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 He's keeping you close so that you don't move on without him. If it's painful you need to walk away. Don't settle for something that is not enough. You deserve more. Plus. You will never truly open your heart to anyone else whilst still spending your time like this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 He is trying to keep you on a string a] so he can reel you back in when you're at your most vulnerable, or b] because he's hoping he can change your mind. You KNOW what you need to do. End this mess. Your friendship with this man ceased to exist when you started sleeping with him. There are few people who can transition back into friendship with an xAP. I don't believe you are one of them. There's nothing wrong with that, it's not a weakness or anything (I will be the first one to admit I cannot do it), but it's just a fact of life. Stop causing yourself so much pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 He is trying to keep you on a string a] so he can reel you back in when you're at your most vulnerable, or b] because he's hoping he can change your mind. You KNOW what you need to do. End this mess. Your friendship with this man ceased to exist when you started sleeping with him. There are few people who can transition back into friendship with an xAP. I don't believe you are one of them. There's nothing wrong with that, it's not a weakness or anything (I will be the first one to admit I cannot do it), but it's just a fact of life. Stop causing yourself so much pain. Yeah, I know what I need to do to end this mess Goldie and Have Hopes.. Maybe that is why I decided to post here to get the reassurance and strengh and KICK to do it. Sometimes it is hard to push ourselves on our own, as we prefer to live in denial, it is more comfie that doing something different for a change.. I know I need to end it. I just feel like I have sent him mixed signals as well and dropping it off suddenly at my end or going NC will appear to be some sort of manipulation or game from my end.. Therefore I am not sure what to do and how to end this. I initiated contact few days ago sending him email with updates how are things at my end, all cheery and happy and sounding like I am doing just fine, whereas I feel so shattered inside.. I feel like if I tell him how I really feel he will think I am crazy and I don't know what I want, that I was pretending to be OK with "friends" after as I was too weak to say no. It is true in a way anyway, I blame myself that I cannot relax enough and just drop all the emotions and feelings for him. It is a rollercoaster. I wrote a poem for him, one that tells exactly how I feel about this situation now... That I feel hurt, that it is too hard for me his friend, after we shared something much more. I thought of sending it over to him, would it make sense to tell him how I feel or there is no point in that at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Have_hope Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 I would keep the poem for yourself. I'm sure it's beautiful and so sincere but, in a way, he doesn't deserve it. He knows how you feel so that isn't what's holding him back, and I think you know this; it is however holding you back. I think it would be best to send him a light message, clearly stating that you wish to move on and wishing him all the best. When he responds, that should be the last message - don't fall into a cycle of goodbyes that turn into more. Then, throw yourself into every aspect of your life which brings you happiness: fake it to make it, hon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 It's impossible to friends, as you know. You hurt and you two are not in the affair anymore. Friendship means emotional affair, minus the sex. Tell him to please respect your wishes and to not talk to you anymore, that you can't handle a friendship. No more calls, emails or hanging out, talking. Be good to yourself and keep busy. Visit your women friends and family members to keep you distracted. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Yeah, I know what I need to do to end this mess Goldie and Have Hopes.. Maybe that is why I decided to post here to get the reassurance and strengh and KICK to do it. Sometimes it is hard to push ourselves on our own, as we prefer to live in denial, it is more comfie that doing something different for a change.. I know I need to end it. I just feel like I have sent him mixed signals as well and dropping it off suddenly at my end or going NC will appear to be some sort of manipulation or game from my end.. Therefore I am not sure what to do and how to end this. I initiated contact few days ago sending him email with updates how are things at my end, all cheery and happy and sounding like I am doing just fine, whereas I feel so shattered inside.. I feel like if I tell him how I really feel he will think I am crazy and I don't know what I want, that I was pretending to be OK with "friends" after as I was too weak to say no. It is true in a way anyway, I blame myself that I cannot relax enough and just drop all the emotions and feelings for him. It is a rollercoaster. I wrote a poem for him, one that tells exactly how I feel about this situation now... That I feel hurt, that it is too hard for me his friend, after we shared something much more. I thought of sending it over to him, would it make sense to tell him how I feel or there is no point in that at all? You are way, way more invested in this than he is. It's time to stop caring what he thinks. So what if he thinks you're crazy? Who cares if he thinks you're sending mixed signals? Who cares if you really are?! The only person who matters anymore is you. I do not mean to sound harsh, because I know how hard it is to end things. I struggled with it for a while and could not do it until I finally reached a limit. I struggled not because I loved him (which I'm guessing is the situation in your case?) but because I had WAY too much pride and ego to admit to myself that I had been used. But... there is a fine line between love and ego. I see similarities between yourself and I. I always cared about what xMM thought about me. I always checked my emotions around him. I'm telling you this as someone who has been there- you have to stop. You're going to drain yourself until you have nothing left. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) You are way, way more invested in this than he is. It's time to stop caring what he thinks. So what if he thinks you're crazy? Who cares if he thinks you're sending mixed signals? Who cares if you really are?! The only person who matters anymore is you. I do not mean to sound harsh, because I know how hard it is to end things. I struggled with it for a while and could not do it until I finally reached a limit. I struggled not because I loved him (which I'm guessing is the situation in your case?) but because I had WAY too much pride and ego to admit to myself that I had been used. But... there is a fine line between love and ego. I see similarities between yourself and I. I always cared about what xMM thought about me. I always checked my emotions around him. I'm telling you this as someone who has been there- you have to stop. You're going to drain yourself until you have nothing left. I think it would be best to send him a light message, clearly stating that you wish to move on and wishing him all the best. When he responds, that should be the last message - don't fall into a cycle of goodbyes that turn into more. Then, throw yourself into every aspect of your life which brings you happiness: fake it to make it, hon. Thank you... and I do want to stop. I am the last person who initiated contact with him, sending him email with my updates, all cherry and happy, even STUPIDLY suggesting that we should grab lunch together sometimes soon as there is a lot to catch up about. I feel so silly now. It is crazy when I have these flushed of positive thinking that I am over him, we are just friends and I am moving on, whereas few days later, or even hours later I miss him, feel crushed and regret that I haven't respected myself and my feeling and that I have been pretending to be his friend, to be someone who I simply cannot be. I think I will wait now for him to get in touch, rather then reaching out to him again to tell him that I want to stop communicating... that I cannot carry on being his friend. Once he gets in touch I can state my wishes in reply, that I have thought about it and it is hard for me so I would appreciate if he respects NC from then on, rather then reaching out to him once more again now... Would that make more sense?? Edited February 4, 2015 by anabel32 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Exam wanted to be friends with me and we tried but if you can't talk to someone out in the open or just call them, they really aren't your friend. I can't be friends with him, it hurts too much...plus right now I hate him..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Thank you... and I do want to stop. I am the last person who initiated contact with him, sending him email with my updates, all cherry and happy, even STUPIDLY suggesting that we should grab lunch together sometimes soon as there is a lot to catch up about. I feel so silly now. It is crazy when I have these flushed of positive thinking that I am over him, we are just friends and I am moving on, whereas few days later, or even hours later I miss him, feel crushed and regret that I haven't respected myself and my feeling and that I have been pretending to be his friend, to be someone who I simply cannot be. I think I will wait now for him to get in touch, rather then reaching out to him again to tell him that I want to stop communicating... that I cannot carry on being his friend. Once he gets in touch I can state my wishes in reply, that I have thought about it and it is hard for me so I would appreciate if he respects NC from then on, rather then reaching out to him once more again now... Would that make more sense?? Usually I'm for people sending a very brief but firm message about initiating NC, but in your case it sounds like it would be better to just rip the band-aid off and block him. You reached out to him, now you're waiting, then you're going to state your wishes, and wait for him to respond again... it's like a crack addict waiting for their next hit. It is so detrimental to your well-being. If you're really hell-bent on sending him something, send him a very brief message, then immediately after you send it, block him. Do NOT wait for a reply. It will only hurt you further. You have to really want this, OP. I have no doubt you will do it when you reach that point, but I'm beginning to doubt you're at that point yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Usually I'm for people sending a very brief but firm message about initiating NC, but in your case it sounds like it would be better to just rip the band-aid off and block him. You reached out to him, now you're waiting, then you're going to state your wishes, and wait for him to respond again... it's like a crack addict waiting for their next hit. It is so detrimental to your well-being. If you're really hell-bent on sending him something, send him a very brief message, then immediately after you send it, block him. Do NOT wait for a reply. It will only hurt you further. You have to really want this, OP. I have no doubt you will do it when you reach that point, but I'm beginning to doubt you're at that point yet. I know you have doubts if I want it, but I do want to, as I know it is what I need. I want to regain myself again, be who I used to be before I met him. It is hard to let it go, this is exactly what you described above- an addiction- but I must, regardless of how attached emotionally I am. I know this is toxic, even if you call it "friendship". It just doesn't work for me at all. This will be probably something I have never done before in my life, be ruthless without looking back, but I need it so badly. I need to do something different for once, even if it feels uncomfortable, so finally things in my life can also change... Thanks for your advice and help... Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 You need to stop waiting on him to contact you. Turn your back and walk away. Say nothing, do nothing. Walk away 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 You need to stop waiting on him to contact you. Turn your back and walk away. Say nothing, do nothing. Walk away Thanks Rick Fox, I will trully aim for that... take each day as it comes... Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I think its going to be way too hard to remain friends after an A, there's just no going back. The relationship was cut off, it did not die naturally. Yes you want out but only because the pain of being in the A outweighs the good of being in it. Unlike someone divorcing their spouse, they are done and want out. How could you remain just friends after all those intense feelings? You're gonna need super strength to walk away from an A I reckon, and its good you're on your way there. I also believe complete NC is the way otherwise you don't really walk away if there's still contact. Best of luck, hugs to you. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Just want to say you're doing the right thing. I did the friendship thing afterwards as he was so persistent about staying in my life. I didn't think it was to keep the door open to the A, but maybe so. Either way it was excruciating and I built up alot of resentment and that painful feeling of just speaking without the same intimacy never went away, but I just kept pushing it down, forcing myself to "get used to it" and "be mature about it"...like I told myself it was the friendship that already matter the most to both of us right? It came first right? But no...unfortunately Pandoras box had been opened already, the heart never fully went back to "just friends " I just told myself it did. He would confuse me alot by still saying I love you, and keeping in regular contact and I think your heart and mind tell you "see!!! He still cares, he contacts me every day" Its a complete mind f_ck every day and the heart just doesn't want to let go and walk away. But if you learn from me, you DO want out now, otherwise the whole thing will hold you hostage forever. He made his choice to end it, now you make yours to walk. Im sorry it does really hurt and its hard to do. Im upset still daily. Waste no more time in closing the door for YOU. Hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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