Dealing with her lack of love and respect for me

[xyzisnotme]

How do I deal with my wife's lack of respect, love and attraction towards me? I am trying to get over it but I can't seem to.

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[Biere123]

Ummm. Is divorce not an option? You can't control someone's feelings.

[Satu]

I expect her feelings towards you are hard to take, but the more important issue is how you feel about yourself.

 

How do you feel about yourself?

[oldshirt]

Have you obtained steady, self-supporting employment yet?

 

If not, any further discussion is really pointless. Most women can't respect a man that is chronically unemployed but is able bodied and just willing to put in the effort to support his home and family.

 

An able bodied man who refuses to seek employment complaining about his wife not loving and respecting him is analogous to a 400lb woman who refuses to put down the doughnuts and exercise complaining about her husband not wanting to have sex with her.

 

The difference there is there is a small number of men who have fetishes for obese women whereas there is not a single woman on the planet who has a fetish for chronically unemployed men.

 

I'm afraid you are your own worst enemy on this one. You are fortunate she hasn't divorced you and still supports you and keeps a roof over your head and food in your belly. Asking her to desire you is really asking too much at this point.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful, just stating cold, harsh fact. Woman simply don't respect men who refuse to work and they can't desire those they don't respect. Attraction and desire are not choices.

[oldshirt]

...also, I have to assume your employment issue is some kind of mental issue since you earlier stated you were, educated able bodied and not addicted to any substances. That leaves mental illness and laziness, both of which are attraction killers.

 

 

My advice is to seek professional help for whatever is keeping you from seeking and obtaining gainful employment.

[xyzisnotme]

Old shirt that was rather mean and judgmental.

[dental]

With interest I've been reading your threads. My friend, is it possible that you are depressed? At least you're stuck (I guess for a long time) in your life (no job, lousy marriage) and you don't seem to have the energy to do anything about it. Now you come here and post your story and every time someone gives you harsh yet realistic feedback, you get hurtfully defensive. Now I ask you, is it useful for others to reply to your posts to help you deal with your situation and find the strength to handle your problems pro-actively, have you decided to stay in your situation and this site is just to blow of steam?

[xyzisnotme]

With interest I've been reading your threads. My friend, is it possible that you are depressed? At least you're stuck (I guess for a long time) in your life (no job, lousy marriage) and you don't seem to have the energy to do anything about it. Now you come here and post your story and every time someone gives you harsh yet realistic feedback, you get hurtfully defensive. Now I ask you, is it useful for others to reply to your posts to help you deal with your situation and find the strength to handle your problems pro-actively, have you decided to stay in your situation and this site is just to blow of steam?

 

I get it. I think anyone would be depressed given my situation. Depression? Sure. I am. I'm working on it. And I appreciate everyone's feedback, even the person I felt I had to say was mean. Sorry to both of you.

Edited February 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xyzisnotme]

...also, I have to assume your employment issue is some kind of mental issue since you earlier stated you were, educated able bodied and not addicted to any substances. That leaves mental illness and laziness, both of which are attraction killers.

 

 

My advice is to seek professional help for whatever is keeping you from seeking and obtaining gainful employment.

 

I get it oldshirt. I am seeking help.

Thank you for your valuable input.

104114

[Thicke2013]

I get it oldshirt. I am seeking help.

Thank you for your valuable input.

104114

 

The advice may be hurtful and hard to read, but it may be helpful to you as well. Don't dismiss it just because you don't like what it says. In a way you sound like my 25 yo step son. He has no job, lives in my basement and complains that he can't find a good woman. What "good" woman worth having wants a boy they have to raise? No one! I tell him all the time a woman wants someone who can take care of themselves and has goals in life. I was taught that if you want the perfect mate, be the perfect mate. Ask yourself honest questions. If you were in her shoes, would you desire her? What do you offer her that others can't?

 

You know, my ex wife is a fairly attractive woman, however after years of putting up with her BS and unwillingness to change I look at her now and she is pretty ugly to me. You want to make her desire you, then you must make yourself desirable. Just because you are married doesn't mean she automatically is going to always find you attractive and/or respect you. Those things are earned. She should always love you and stick by you and it sounds as if she is at least for the moment. Be the best you can be and if at that point she still doesn't desire or respect you, move along as the best version of you and find someone who does. Good luck OP.

[Satu]

Old shirt that was rather mean and judgmental.

No it wasn't. It was just a straightforward statement of the facts.

[oldshirt]

Old shirt that was rather mean and judgmental.

 

It's no meaner than saying if you stick your hand into a fire, it's gonna hurt.

 

 

There was no emotion or value statements in what I said. Just relaying the facts.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

In a way you sound like my 25 yo step son. He has no job, lives in my basement and complains that he can't find a good woman. What "good" woman worth having wants a boy they have to raise? No one! I tell him all the time a woman wants someone who can take care of themselves and has goals in life. I was taught that if you want the perfect mate, be the perfect mate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

I this this above is something you really need to take to heart.

 

 

Look at it this way, women do not desire children. For all practical purposes there is no such thing as a female pedophile (school teachers boffing 6ft tall 17 year olds doesn't count as a pedophile in my book. That is just a preditorial teacher)

 

 

Mature Nature has installed in women a barrier against feeling sexual desire for those that they nurture and take care of. As a chronically unemployed yet educated, able-bodied adult man, you are essentially in the position of a child requiring support and reguiring the basic essentials of life to be provided to you.

 

 

Women are not providers by nature and as such do not feel sexual attraction or desire for those who they have to provide for (ie a child)

 

 

Your wife is simply unable to feel attraction or desire for you do to her basic hardwiring. she can not help it or change it any more than she can change being afraid of spiders and snakes and loving cute puppies.

 

 

In order for her or any woman to have a sincere attraction and desire for you, you must become a mature, responsible, self-motivating, proactive adult male with a means of at least supporting yourself.

 

 

Even if you were the most handsome, buff, charming male specimen on the planet, those good looks and charm would get you some ONSs in a bar and perhaps some booty calls from some bored and lonely housewives down the street. But even those would be short-lived and temporary. Even those women once they had a few thrills would default to finding a man they didn't have to support.

[Davey L]

I'm afraid it's hardwired into the female brain. A woman has to know that a man will take care of her when she's pregnant and of her and child afterwards so she won't want sex with someone that can't do that. She may not consciously think that but it is genetically programmed into her.

[xyzisnotme]

Don't you guys now that I have been working very hard to secure employment? And my wife knows that too.

 

I can't help if it no one will respond to my resumes. I can't help it if they won't hire me after they interview me for jobs that I am clearly qualified for.

 

Don't think for one minute this has not been eating me up alive ever morning the second I wake up! And I know a woman has issues with a man who is not working. But to say it's because of laziness or mental illness, when you don't know me personally, is a bit presumptuous.

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[oldshirt]

It may take you awhile to secure an upper management position with a Fortune 500 company. That doesn't mean you shouldn't work the counter at McDonalds until that happens.

 

You've been chronically unemployed for years. Your full time job needs to be to get a job, any job, until you find something that you like and that you are qualified for.

 

Even if you have some kind of entry level worker job, you can still be sending out resumes and scheduling interviews for positions with your educational background.

[elaine567]

How old are you xyitsnotme?

What are your skills, qualifications?

[elaine567]

Oldshirt is right few woman want to be providing financially for an able bodied, mentally stable man who is "idling" around the house, whilst she is out working.

 

What stops you from being hired, have you asked?

[autumnnight]

I have been in your wife's position. What are you doing while unemployed? Are you at least working part time doing SOMETHING? Are you taking up the slack at home? Are you expecting her to be your emotional prop-up?

 

Don't wait for the "best job." Just get A job. And do it well.

 

BTW, this is one of many reasons I am no longer in your wife's position - because I no longer have that husband.

[Thicke2013]

Don't you guys now that I have been working very hard to secure employment? And my wife knows that too.

 

I can't help if it no one will respond to my resumes. I can't help it if they won't hire me after they interview me for jobs that I am clearly qualified for.

 

Don't think for one minute this has not been eating me up alive ever morning the second I wake up! And I know a woman has issues with a man who is not working. But to say it's because of laziness or mental illness, when you don't know me personally, is a bit presumptuous.

107

 

 

Hear me out OP. You now sound just like my step son. He also claims that he can't get a job and no one will hire him...blah, blah, blah. Guess what, he can get a job. I stopped by a carwash a few miles from home one day and simply asked if they were hiring and guess what? I got him the job just by asking. They told me to have him come in the next day. He worked for 2 weeks and quit. I'll never buy the excuse that no one will hire me. If you are willing to work, someone will hire you. It may not be the job you want, but you can find one.

 

 

I have worked for farmers, delivered pizzas, worked in a welding shop, etc. At times I had to work 2-3 jobs at once to make ends meet. Once I got the job I have now working in an office, my hours were 8am-5pm. I was struggling and asked management if I could weld on 2nd shift for extra cash. Everyday after work I would change out of my dress clothes, go out in the shop and weld for 4-5 hours to make extra money. You CAN work. Have you put in any applications at fast food restaurants? Have you asked the local landscaper if he needs help mowing grass or planting shrubs when spring comes?

 

 

You know what? Those jobs were I felt a little ashamed that I had to take, I eventually took pride in. There is something to be said about a hard days work. I don't know your personal situation but for my step son, I tell him, sitting at home behind the computer filling out applications and sending resume's is not job hunting. Get out there and hit the pavement. Talk face to face with someone and let them see the determination in your eyes. I am a manager now and I can tell you that I will take determination over skill or a degree any day. Someone determined will find a way to make it happen.

 

 

I'll tell you something else that I tell the step son. The world owes you nothing. You have to earn everything! That includes the respect and desire of your wife. You want her to find you sexy? Let her see you working 3 jobs to put money in the bank. Let her see you come home dirty, sweaty, and worn out knowing that you are doing all of this for her. That my friend, she will find sexy. When a woman see's you putting that much effort into a relationship, that in itself is a turn on.

 

 

My point OP is not to put you down. It is to give you, maybe, a different perspective. At this point, no job is beneath you. I have no doubt that I could walk out of my office right now and find a job today! It will be entry level and it will be doing something that I don't want to do and have no passion for, but it will be a job. Working those odd jobs eventually led me to the best job that I have ever had. I wish the same for you OP. Good things come to those who work hard.

[loveboid]

If you can't find a job, volunteer. Bosses love to get free work. And those jobs often turn into part-time then full-time jobs once they see your work ethic.

 

Maybe you're not getting hired because you need to be your own boss. Have you considered that you might have the right personality to start your own business?

 

If you do what you love you're bound to become successful and earn your wife's respect.

[oldshirt]

Hear me out OP. You now sound just like my step son. He also claims that he can't get a job and no one will hire him...blah, blah, blah. Guess what, he can get a job. I stopped by a carwash a few miles from home one day and simply asked if they were hiring and guess what? I got him the job just by asking. They told me to have him come in the next day. He worked for 2 weeks and quit. I'll never buy the excuse that no one will hire me. If you are willing to work, someone will hire you. It may not be the job you want, but you can find one.

.

 

A friend of mine had a similar experience with his young adult step children. For reasons I will never understand, a buddy of mine became involved with and eventually married a woman that had 3 young adult children from 3 different fathers (none of whom ever worked a day in their lives) and they would all sit around the house all day and claimed they couldn't get a job.

 

 

My buddy used to frequent a Subway sandwich shop down the street and became buds with the manager. One day he talked to the manager about hiring these kids and he agreed to hire at least a couple of them, perhaps even all 3.

 

 

Their hours were such that my buddy could drop them off on his way to work in the morning and then they would take the bus or something home at the end of their shift and they would get home a little before him in the evening.

 

 

So this went on for a few weeks, he would drop them off in the morning and then see them at night when he got home.

 

 

Well you can probably read the writing on the wall and guess what happened next. One day after a few weeks of this he got off work early and decided to grab a sandwich on the way home and stopped at Subway.

 

 

......they weren't there..

 

 

He asked where they were and come to find out, they had all quit the very next day.

 

 

He had spent weeks dropping them off and then they spent the whole rest of the day fcking off and then would be home in their Subway shirts when he got home at the end of the day.

 

 

If they had spent the time and energy actually working that they did pulling off this big charade to pull one over on him, they probably would have been model employees.

[oldshirt]

I'll reiterate what I said earlier in the thread. This situation is analogous to a woman putting on 150lbs and then complaining that her husband doesn't desire her and isn't lovey-dovey with her anymore.

 

 

When she asks, "How do I get my husband to desire me?" what she is really asking is - "how do I get my husband to desire me without having to diet and exercise and lose the weight?"

 

 

And the answer is, you can't. You have to correct the foundational, structural desire-killer before any of the "tricks" like date nights and sexy txts during the day and scented bubble baths will have any effect.

[oldshirt]

I'll reiterate what I said earlier in the thread. This situation is analogous to a woman putting on 150lbs and then complaining that her husband doesn't desire her and isn't lovey-dovey with her anymore.

 

 

When she asks, "How do I get my husband to desire me?" what she is really asking is - "how do I get my husband to desire me without having to diet and exercise and lose the weight?"

 

 

And the answer is, you can't. You have to correct the foundational, structural desire-killer before any of the "tricks" like date nights and sexy txts during the day and scented bubble baths will have any effect.

 

 

 

and also analogous to obesity is the claim of no jobs and can't get hired etc is the claim of the morbidly obese that they are unable to diet and exercise.

 

 

Diet and exercise doesn't have to be calculating out every calorie and running every leaf of kale through a gram scale and a computer program before you go run your triathlon. Those are extreme fitness people that subject themselves to that level of performance

 

 

The common man and woman will benefit from having a grapefruit instead of the cremefilled doughnut and then walking around the block. That's diet and exercise.

 

 

Sitting on the couch claiming you can't get a job because you aren't getting any calls back from the resume' you sent for the CEO position of Goldman Sachs is the same as sitting on the couch saying you can't eat a proper diet and exercise because you can't calculate your basal metabolic rate and synergize that with your mega nutrient requirements and then go run a triathlon.

 

 

Not many people have the where-withal or even desire to dedicate themselves to extreme fitness just as most people do not have the where-withal or desire to achieve the business savy to manage a Fortune 500 company.

 

 

That doesn't mean that a box of doughnuts and the couch are the answer to either.

[EverySunset]

You have to earn everything! That includes the respect and desire of your wife. You want her to find you sexy? Let her see you working 3 jobs to put money in the bank. Let her see you come home dirty, sweaty, and worn out knowing that you are doing all of this for her. That my friend, she will find sexy. When a woman see's you putting that much effort into a relationship, that in itself is a turn on.

 

Well, you can stop reading if you like. This is your answer.

 

I know of a few couples that had this happen, just like this. One was model handsome and built like a Mack truck but until he did this, his wife was halfway out the door. She would tell me... Not interested in intimacy. I was floored. Her handsome man was GQ material and she wasn't feeling it? But after a few weeks watching I understood.

 

If you are clearly qualified for these jobs and you aren't getting hired, then something needs work. Maybe your people skills? You did admit you are depressed, maybe it's showing. Are you coming off as aggressive or dismissive? Are you projecting boardroom capabilities or executive bored and blase? You should find a career center that can evaluate everything from your resume to your interviewing style. They can give honest feedback that will improve your progress and make you a lean, mean interviewing machine!

Edited February 7, 2015 by EverySunset