Would you tell the betrayed spouse about an affair?

[Sofie2013]

Like the title says would you tell the BS if you knew about the affair, one of my friends has put me in this position and I have known idea what to do. I was going to post this in the morning but I didn’t because I decided to keep my mouth shut but now I don’t know.

 

A good friend and I went out the dinner a few weeks ago and during the dinner she told me she had an affair with a coworker. I was caught off guard by what she was telling me. I always thought she had great marriage. They have been married 15 years and together for almost 20 years. She would always talk about how great her marriage and husbands are. The really messed up part is she doesn’t even think she had an affair since she only meet him once for sex because most of it was only talking but I don’t believe her for a minute. She claims it’s only a one night stand since it was only one night. She refuses to realize all the emotions she put into this. I asked her if she was going to tell her husband but she refuses to. I tried to get her to reconsider telling her husband and that it was what’s best for the both of them. She says that it was a one off and will never happen again and doesn’t want to cause him any pain (kind of late for that). Although I do feel like she is remorseful she says she feels disgusted with herself for doing this she hates leaving with the secret and the guilt is eating her alive but she would rather live with this lie than have her marriage end. I tried telling her she doesn’t know if that would end her marriage and she has to let her husband have a choose.

 

So now here I am in really awkward position. I kind of friends with her husband too and now I don't know how I am going to behave around him. I feel like I am lying to him by keeping her secret alive and feel terrible for. I see him almost weekly since our kids play on the same soccer team. Plus he a really nice guy he’s helped me a bunch of time with my boys when he didn’t have to. So a part me feels like he has to know the truth from anyone but I don’t want to be the person. I don't want their drama as I have enough of my own to deal with after doing the same thing. I can’t even talk anymore friend after telling me this. Cheating is one thing but don’t bring others into your mess I really hate her for doing this to me. She knows very well what my affair cost me and how much it hurt me and my family.

[jbrent890]

I was in a similar position once. My buddy had a ONS and told me about it. Like your friend he had a ONS and wanted it to keep it to himself. Don't kid yourself, your friend is not as disgusted as she says she is. I thought it was screwed up that he put me in that position because I was good friends with his wife. I gave him the ultimatum be honest with your wife or we are done. I was not going to put myself in the position to lie to his wife, someone I really do respect. Unfortunately I had to cut him and his wife out of my life for a while. He eventually confessed because the guilt finally caught up to him, but I'm pretty sure I had nothing to do with it. They are still together and I talk to him every once in while. That really did strain our relationship. You're going to hear a lot of conflicting advice. And I'm not going to lie, that shoot the messenger thing is true. I would give your friend the same ultimatum I gave mine. She should have NEVER involved you in this. I don't think it's fair to you to have lie to someone you also consider a friend. It sucks but I don't see a good end to it period. If you don't tell and her husband finds out that you knew, he will cut you off. If you do tell, you will lose her as a friend. Keep trying to convince her to tell.

[Sticky Fingers]

Perhaps you should consider ending your friendship with this woman. If she asks you why, then simply tell her that it is emotionally draining for you because you feel like her co-conspirator every time you see and talk with her husband. Perhaps you may even want to tell her that if she comes clean, then you will be there for her, but until that happens to please respect your wishes and not contact you.

 

Of course, its up to you how you want to proceed but please don't sacrifice your integrity for someone who doesn't have it.

[jbrent890]

Not to mention she does not know if it will happen again. She still works with this guy. Unless she completely avoids him, I'm almost positive she will screw this guy again. Seeing that she got away with it might convince her that she can get away with it again. A lot of cheaters say that the first time is always the hardest hince the guilt she feels now. I can see if she would never see this guy again, but they work together. Let her know the gravity of this situation. The more time she spends with this guy, the greater possibility that it will happen again. Tell her if she confesses, it reduces the chance of it happening again. My question to you is do you think her husband would want to know?

[sidney2718]

Sofie, good to see you posting again!

 

My two cents on this parallels what some others have said. You know all too well what can happen in a situation like this. Your friend should never have involved you in this at all.

 

My advice is to tell her to decide what she wants. If she wants her marriage, tell her to come clean to her husband. If she does not, she should file for divorce.

 

And then tell her that you have to distance yourself from her because you can't be in the middle. Your friend must know of your divorce and should understand where you are coming from.

 

Your friend may decide to bury the information and never tell her husband. In that case I think you should not say anything either. There is a good chance that her "one night stand" will never come out, but if it does, your position should be that you said nothing because you did not believe her.

 

In other words, protect yourself first.

[Sofie2013]

I was in a similar position once. My buddy had a ONS and told me about it. Like your friend he had a ONS and wanted it to keep it to himself. Don't kid yourself, your friend is not as disgusted as she says she is. I thought it was screwed up that he put me in that position because I was good friends with his wife. I gave him the ultimatum be honest with your wife or we are done. I was not going to put myself in the position to lie to his wife, someone I really do respect. Unfortunately I had to cut him and his wife out of my life for a while. He eventually confessed because the guilt finally caught up to him, but I'm pretty sure I had nothing to do with it. They are still together and I talk to him every once in while. That really did strain our relationship. You're going to hear a lot of conflicting advice. And I'm not going to lie, that shoot the messenger thing is true. I would give your friend the same ultimatum I gave mine. She should have NEVER involved you in this. I don't think it's fair to you to have lie to someone you also consider a friend. It sucks but I don't see a good end to it period. If you don't tell and her husband finds out that you knew, he will cut you off. If you do tell, you will lose her as a friend. Keep trying to convince her to tell.

 

Not to mention she does not know if it will happen again. She still works with this guy. Unless she completely avoids him, I'm almost positive she will screw this guy again. Seeing that she got away with it might convince her that she can get away with it again. A lot of cheaters say that the first time is always the hardest hince the guilt she feels now. I can see if she would never see this guy again, but they work together. Let her know the gravity of this situation. The more time she spends with this guy, the greater possibility that it will happen again. Tell her if she confesses, it reduces the chance of it happening again. My question to you is do you think her husband would want to know?

 

I thought about giving her an ultimatum. Like tell him or I will kind of deal but I don’t know if I have the guts to go through with it. The hard part is I don’t have anything to prove that she did cheat so why would he even believe me. How or why would he even believe me she could flip this on me.

 

So true about how it puts a strain on the friendship I don’t even want to see my friend let alone talk to her right now. I don’t think I could ever look at her in the same light again. Part friendship we had is dead.

I don’t think it’s was only a onetime thing. It’s been more than that I would be very surprise if she actually was telling me the full truth. I could tell she was lying as she was telling. I have tried to tell her that she playing with fire and it can only and badly for everyone involved. I even used myself as an example about what could happen. I didn’t even need to tell she knows what happened to me she’s in almost in the same positions I was in. And she still doesn’t see it of doesn’t want.

 

I don’t know if he would want to know that part of the reason why I posted. Do you think he would want to know

[jm2013]

You could always have sex with her husband once and tell her it was only a one night stand that meant nothing.

[Sofie2013]

You could always have sex with her husband once and tell her it was only a one night stand that meant nothing.

 

Are you serious?

[Clay]

Some people will say you have no obligation to tell anyone about these kinds of things. I also understand why people are afraid of the negative implications from telling. You could be damaging your friendship with your friend.

 

 

I personally error on the side of doing what I think is the right side. I would tell the H. I think if more people had the courage to be decent and honest there would be less of this garbage going on in the world.

 

 

Sadly you have had your fair share of damage from these kinds of things so you know first had what it will do.

 

 

Follow your heart. If you feel you should tell then do it. If you don't then just distance yourself.

 

 

As for me I would tell.

 

 

Clay

[Lion Heart]

From what you've written plus my perspective, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. It's more about what YOU can live with. Are you losing sleep? It seems to be affecting you in a very negative way.

 

Either way, if you tell or not, it's gonna come out that you knew and you'll lose contact with the "decent" partner. Given a choice of them, who's side would you take?

 

I've been the first person to tell my friends that their husbands were cheating, 3 of them. Did I expect to lose their friendship? Hell yeah! That type of news shatters families. It was enough that I saw it with my own eyes. I didn't need physical evidence.

So yeah I told them and left their choices up to them.

 

I WOULD EXPECT AT LEAST THAT FROM ANYONE IN MY CIRCLE THAT KNEW.

Plus I'm happy to report that 20-30 years later, those friends are STILL my friends. None of their marriages survived for long afterwards, thank G**, and we all went out for lunch last weekend.

 

Have integrity.

Have courage.

Be honest and decent for honest and decent peoples sake.

 

Just do it for truths sake too. I have and would do it again in a heartbeat.

 

Lion Heart.

[jm2013]

Are you serious?

 

No, of course I'm not being serious lol. I guess I'm trying to point out your friend's nonchalant attitude towards having an affair. If the roles were reversed she'd probably be devastated her husband got his own piece on the side right?

[jbrent890]

I thought about giving her an ultimatum. Like tell him or I will kind of deal but I don’t know if I have the guts to go through with it. The hard part is I don’t have anything to prove that she did cheat so why would he even believe me. How or why would he even believe me she could flip this on me.

 

So true about how it puts a strain on the friendship I don’t even want to see my friend let alone talk to her right now. I don’t think I could ever look at her in the same light again. Part friendship we had is dead.

I don’t think it’s was only a onetime thing. It’s been more than that I would be very surprise if she actually was telling me the full truth. I could tell she was lying as she was telling. I have tried to tell her that she playing with fire and it can only and badly for everyone involved. I even used myself as an example about what could happen. I didn’t even need to tell she knows what happened to me she’s in almost in the same positions I was in. And she still doesn’t see it of doesn’t want.

 

I don’t know if he would want to know that part of the reason why I posted. Do you think he would want to know

 

Personally, I would want to know. There are a lot of people that would want to know and there are some that don't. I think the husband should know only because I think this has the potential to turn into a full blown affair. I could see if this happened on vacation or a business trip with someone she would never see again. She works with this guy almost everyday. Your friend is kidding herself if she thinks it won't happen again. Not to take a stab at you, but as you know, the first time is always the hardest. In terms of proof, I don't think most men need it. In fact, it has been widely reported that a lot of men can sense that their wives cheated or are cheating. You telling him that she told you is all the proof that he would need. At the very least, it will cause him to go into investigation mode himself. At the end of the day, I think you should do what's right. If she didn't want her husband to know, then she should have never involved you, especially realizing how much you are trying to become a better person. Keeping this lie is only going to set you back and you have come so far. If you don't think you can tell, then I would cut her out of your life. I'm a firm believer that you are only as good as the people your surround yourself with and this woman is toxic for you. Good luck.

[harrybrown]

Your friend could end up giving the H stds.

 

If it were me, I would want to know.

 

What if you sent a letter to his work or something like that and tell him without telling who you are that you know about the A and give all the information that you know.

 

Tell him that you saw them or something, but i do think he deserves to know.

 

I do hope you find some peace in your situation. Maybe your ex would have a good way to let the poor H know about his wife's A.(or maybe leave your H out of this, it might make him trigger)

 

I do hope you find a way to let him know. At least he could have his eyes opened.

[atreides]

((sophie)) I hope things are going as well as can be for you.

 

You were in her shoes, what would you want someone to do? You know what could happen, you know the lies and the pain.

 

Once someone crosses that bridge of infidelity but does nothing to heal themselves and fix what went wrong... well you have lived part of that.

 

If she is a friend and beyond what is right in people knowing the truth, you owe it to her to make her honest, it may not save her marriage but it certainly can help your friend find herself rather than being lost and living in denial.

[Sassy Girl]

I think that was a $hitty thing for your friend to do - to use you as her sounding board and expect you to keep her dirty secrets.

 

IU would tell for no other reason than she needs to learn that if you dont want your secrets to get out to the people they concern, then you porbably shouldnt unload them unwittingly on people who DO NOT want to carry that burden. Its unfair to you. Why should you have to bear it??

 

Tell him. The friendship has been compromised anyways - might as well do the right thing on your way out.

[whichwayisup]

Did your friend know about your affair? If so, was she supportive and there for you?

 

It is possible she feels she can trust you because of what you went through.

 

Imagine the situation reversed, and you told her then she pushed you to tell your H, but you didn't want to.. How would you feel if was the one to tell your husband?

 

I think due to your kids being involved with her kids and her husband there too, really be sure if you want to be the one to expose her affair to her husband. In this case it will be shoot the messenger and the kids will be affected by it.

 

If anything, keep encouraging her to come clean to him and DO let her know that she put you in an uncomfortable position because you see her H at soccer often and now it's going to be weird.

[whichwayisup]

I think that was a $hitty thing for your friend to do - to use you as her sounding board and expect you to keep her dirty secrets.

 

IU would tell for no other reason than she needs to learn that if you dont want your secrets to get out to the people they concern, then you porbably shouldnt unload them unwittingly on people who DO NOT want to carry that burden. Its unfair to you. Why should you have to bear it??

 

Tell him. The friendship has been compromised anyways - might as well do the right thing on your way out.

 

I agree but I also want to know if this friend was helpful and supportive during sofia's affair a few years ago. And if she encouraged sofia to come clean to her husband and confess or if she kept out of it.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I feel for ya Sofie. Most of us are going to tell you that you need to tell the husband. But my guess is that most of us have been right in your shoes before and couldn' do it either.

 

I know I have in the past. And I was just put in this exact position again last night. Damn Sales Conference.

[autumnnight]

Because you are a face to face friend in her life and obviously she feels close enough to share this, I vote for a loving ultimatum. If she was a friend of a friend, you happened to ride the elevator with her once, or someone you know from the internet, I'd say leave it alone. But she is an IRL friend.

[Friskyone4u]

Sofie

 

Eventually you will not be friends with her anyway. She will keep having sex with this guy and eventually get caught. You know that firsthand. Then her husband will ask her who else knew and you will be classified by him as the ****head who interacted with him as a friend knowing what you knew. I am guessing she knew about your affair?

At a minimum she has really put you in an awkward position.

But it's your call .

[Ralph79]

Several things to consider:

 

a) You don't know all the facts about her affair. All you were informed was that it was a ONS. The rest you are assuming.

 

b) She already admitted to having the guilt getting the better of her. Thus the reason she told you. She's now in the phase where she's desperate to get this off her chest.

 

My advice

 

Let her dig her own grave. She's already started. Believe me, she'll touch this subject with you again guaranteed. Tell her you don't want to hear it because she knows it's specially hard for you. Tell her to find someone else.

 

The less time she talks about this with you, the more she'll seek other people to open up to. And she'll eventually slip. All you have to do is watch.

 

If you have a soft spot for her husband, then try and discreetly find out if she's still fooling around or not. If she is, then go ahead and point in him the right direction by creating a situation where he finds out by chance.

 

If she isn't cheating on him anymore and it was truly a ONS as she stated, then they need to resolve this themselves. My guess is that guilt will get the better of her at some point.

 

If the situation ever gets ugly and the guy finds out you knew and berates you for not telling him, you can always say "She told me you guys had already worked it out. It's not really a subject you just casually bring up." This isn't really your problem, unless you make it your problem.

[aliveagain]

Sofie,

 

All you have to tell her is that you will not lie for her, if asked about her affair you will tell the truth and the truth from a third party will not fare well for her. Explain that information about her affair will be best heard by her husband directly from her. Ditch her as a girlfriend because when information about her affair is exposed you will be implicated because she made you an accomplice by telling you about it. Decide on who it is you are, having this information puts a strain on the real Sofie. Please don't compromise yourself again, you are so much better than this.

[Spectre]

You need to tell and here is why: you didn't press her for this information, she gave it. So nobody can now claim anything asinine like "it's just between her and her H". She willingly told the OP about it. So yeah,I'd tell. The bottom line is at the end of the day you are setting someone free from living a lie.

 

I think most people living a lie would want to be set free from it, so I'd tell. I know some say they would rather not know, but..I see those people as in denial and not being aware of how strong they truly are when it comes to what they can or can't handle. So yeah, the guy is now living a lie, every second he is living a lie, and this is his only life, we only get one. So, I'd set him free, or at least attempt to do so. Put him on the right path, what he chooses to do with the information is on him.

[Spectre]

I'd say mind your own business. The messenger ALWAYS gets shot.

 

The thing is, her friend opening up to her about it without the OP in any way asking about it..means her friend MADE it her business. If it wasn't her business she should of kept her mouth shut, she didn't, so now she has lost that claim to being able to say she should mind her own business. She was minding her own business..and then this person dropped this bomb on her.

[OMC]

Live your life doing the right thing. The only thing we truly own in life is our integrity. Don't compromise yours by allowing someone you like, and care about, to not know issues are building in their life and marriage they should be aware of. He has the right to make informed decisions. She doesn't have the right to hook up.