Would you tell the betrayed spouse about an affair?

[katielee]

I'd give her 30 minutes to tell her husband before you do. This is a marriage. YOU are just a friend. By the time you'd give her a chance to slip up, as someone else suggested, her husband could have contracted an STD.

[dichotomy]

Like the title says would you tell the BS if you knew about the affair, one of my friends has put me in this position and I have known idea what to do. I was going to post this in the morning but I didn’t because I decided to keep my mouth shut but now I don’t know.

 

A good friend and I went out the dinner a few weeks ago and during the dinner she told me she had an affair with a coworker. I was caught off guard by what she was telling me. I always thought she had great marriage. They have been married 15 years and together for almost 20 years. She would always talk about how great her marriage and husbands are. The really messed up part is she doesn’t even think she had an affair since she only meet him once for sex because most of it was only talking but I don’t believe her for a minute. She claims it’s only a one night stand since it was only one night. She refuses to realize all the emotions she put into this. I asked her if she was going to tell her husband but she refuses to. I tried to get her to reconsider telling her husband and that it was what’s best for the both of them. She says that it was a one off and will never happen again and doesn’t want to cause him any pain (kind of late for that). Although I do feel like she is remorseful she says she feels disgusted with herself for doing this she hates leaving with the secret and the guilt is eating her alive but she would rather live with this lie than have her marriage end. I tried telling her she doesn’t know if that would end her marriage and she has to let her husband have a choose.

 

So now here I am in really awkward position. I kind of friends with her husband too and now I don't know how I am going to behave around him. I feel like I am lying to him by keeping her secret alive and feel terrible for. I see him almost weekly since our kids play on the same soccer team. Plus he a really nice guy he’s helped me a bunch of time with my boys when he didn’t have to. So a part me feels like he has to know the truth from anyone but I don’t want to be the person. I don't want their drama as I have enough of my own to deal with after doing the same thing. I can’t even talk anymore friend after telling me this. Cheating is one thing but don’t bring others into your mess I really hate her for doing this to me. She knows very well what my affair cost me and how much it hurt me and my family.

 

 

Lots in here leave you with a difficult decision.

 

I mean maybe (maybe) this was some random stranger at an out of town conference, and all was well otherwise with marriage.

 

But this is a Coworker, there was build up I think ? (talking before hand). She works with this guy every day? Also I wonder how something like this does not get out at the office. I worry that with the sexual ice already broken that this coworker and her dont continue or repeat this again.

 

You also seem to think she is lying to you about the details with the OM and what she feels.

 

AS for ending the marriage, that's is up for chance, but most men, when their wives have PA, it has a good chance it will end. So your friend is right to worry about this. What do you think the consequences would be of a divorce to the two of them and their kids? Do they have a good marriage? Do you think she will cheat again?

 

If it was my friend I would recommend at a minimum 1) they change jobs or office (if her husband finds out expect this demand anyway) 2) Get IC 3) and that you are uncomfortable remaining friends with her and her husband at this time until this is resolved.

Edited February 5, 2015 by dichotomy

[MJJean]

How long ago was the alleged ONS?

 

If she did this recently and/or I believed she was still involved with the OM, I'd tell.

 

If this was something that happened say a year or two ago and I believed nothing was currently going on, I'd encourage her to tell but I wouldn't tell him myself.

 

A friend of mine was married and occasionally sleeping with two other guys on a casual basis. Her husband was getting suspicious. She called me scared he'd find out. I told her I wouldn't lie for her. I said the best thing to do was to come clean. If she couldn't bring herself to do that and he asked me, I would tell him what I knew.

 

Surprisingly, she didn't actually come clean but she did allow her H to have a 3-way with her and her...get this...female cousin. More than once. So, I figure they are in a "non-traditional marriage" and it's now pretty much even.

 

They're both still friends of mine and I MYOB when it comes to their sex life.

[Gofsttrnlft]

I cannot believe some of what I have read here! The messenger always get shot, none of your business, the kids, do they have a good marriage, it will be weird at the next soccer game!!! Those are all valid reasons to some of you to not say a thing to this gals husband!? Welcome to being part of the problem in this world. I cannot believe you people!

 

I have been on every side of this equation. Most recently with my own friends who knew about what my "buddy" and my wife were up to. Out of the 10 or so who knew I am only friends with the one who had the compassion for me as a human being to tell me the truth. Sure she took a risk. The rest of them showed their true character IMO and I have zero use for them.

 

When I was in the army affairs are quite common during deployments. In two similar situations I did the opposite. I did not tell the husband in the first situation and he hates me to this day. When the second situation happened I did let him know and he was pissed at me for about a month, but through the last 20 plus years, time and distance has not kept us from remaining friends.

 

Anyone who has the "guts" to tell someone something this difficult is a person worthy of friendship, of trust. Anyone that can come up with one single excuse not to tell deserves neither.

 

Personally I would rather him see the look on my face when I tell him his wife stepped out, than the look on his face when he finds out and asks me if I knew about it...

[autumnnight]

Again, since you actually KNOW this person and this couple, I think telling the truth after giving her fair warning is a good move. Telling the husband of a couple you are face to face friends with is just being a concerned friend. Like I said, if this was 3rd or 4th party info or you were cyber buddies on knittingisus.com or something, getting involved would just be creepy and obsessive. This is not that kind of situation.

[violet1]

I know the comment about the messenger being shot sounds horrible, but it's true in a sense. When I was 18, my aunt's husband hit on me. I told her and it was his word against mine. I was the one who was called a slut and liar. You could tell her H, but without evidence, it's your word against hers. This is going to cause more unnecessary drama in your life. If you have proof it would be a different story. If I were you, I would take the advice Sydney gave you.

[badkarma2013]

I cannot believe some of what I have read here! The messenger always get shot, none of your business, the kids, do they have a good marriage, it will be weird at the next soccer game!!! Those are all valid reasons to some of you to not say a thing to this gals husband!? Welcome to being part of the problem in this world. I cannot believe you people!

 

I have been on every side of this equation. Most recently with my own friends who knew about what my "buddy" and my wife were up to. Out of the 10 or so who knew I am only friends with the one who had the compassion for me as a human being to tell me the truth. Sure she took a risk. The rest of them showed their true character IMO and I have zero use for them.

 

When I was in the army affairs are quite common during deployments. In two similar situations I did the opposite. I did not tell the husband in the first situation and he hates me to this day. When the second situation happened I did let him know and he was pissed at me for about a month, but through the last 20 plus years, time and distance has not kept us from remaining friends.

 

Anyone who has the "guts" to tell someone something this difficult is a person worthy of friendship, of trust. Anyone that can come up with one single excuse not to tell deserves neither.

 

Personally I would rather him see the look on my face when I tell him his wife stepped out, than the look on his face when he finds out and asks me if I knew about it...

*****************************************************************

 

There were any number of friends and her coworkers who knew of the Affair she was having with her Boss... I later found out her old supervisor confronted her but to no avail.....(he promoted her so she could travel with him on business ,so they could continue their affair...)

 

Point is after 6-8 months many knew or had confirmed their suspicions by then...I saw many at company functions, picnics..ect...

No One said one Fuc$ing word to me not so much as a note left..nothing..

 

As a result I detest all of them to this day..ONLY after I sued the company and they were both fired ..I had people coming put of the wood work to tell me all they knew...but it was too late...

 

I have no use for any of them...

 

As the old Russian proverb states:" I had rather be slapped with the Truth than Kissed with a Lie.."

Edited February 5, 2015 by badkarma2013

[Sofie2013]

Did your friend know about your affair? If so, was she supportive and there for you?

 

It is possible she feels she can trust you because of what you went through.

 

Imagine the situation reversed, and you told her then she pushed you to tell your H, but you didn't want to.. How would you feel if was the one to tell your husband?

 

I think due to your kids being involved with her kids and her husband there too, really be sure if you want to be the one to expose her affair to her husband. In this case it will be shoot the messenger and the kids will be affected by it.

 

If anything, keep encouraging her to come clean to him and DO let her know that she put you in an uncomfortable position because you see her H at soccer often and now it's going to be weird.

 

 

None of my friends or family knew about my affair during the time I was actually in the affair. She only knew about after it was exposed and I was fired from work that’s how she found out after I was fired. She was however very supportive and was there for me when I was trying to reconcile with my ex. I trusted a lot my friends but I never told any of them I was having an affair you just don’t do that and bring them into your mess.

 

I obviously wouldn’t want anything telling my ex I was having an affair. I also wouldn’t want to put any of my friends in that kind of position.

 

Her son and my two boys are very good friends and they see each other a lot.

 

I haven’t really talked to her that much since she told me about what she did. The last time we really talked I tried to get her to come clean but it fell on deaf ears.

[Gofsttrnlft]

*****************************************************************

 

There were any number of friends and her coworkers who knew of the Affair she was having with her Boss... I later found out her old supervisor confronted her but to no avail.....(he promoted her so she could travel with him on business ,so they could continue their affair...)

 

Point is after 6-8 months many knew or had confirmed their suspicions by then...I saw many at company functions, picnics..ect...

No One said one Fuc$ing word to me not so much as a note left..nothing..

 

As a result I detest all of them to this day..ONLY after I sued the company and they were both fired ..I had people coming put of the wood work to tell me all they knew...but it was too late...

 

I have no use for any of them...

 

As the old Russian proverb states:" I had rather be slapped with the Truth than Kissed with a Lie.."

 

I feel for you, and it is easy to do having been there had that happen. It is 2 years and 3 months past d-day for me and what affects me most today is the fact that all these people knew and did not care enough about me to say a word. Is there a word for betrayal times 12?

 

To all who can come up with an excuse not to say anything because "it is going to cause more unnecessary drama in your life" or whatever else you can come up with, I hope to hope I do not know you. Is it going to cause you some discomfort to be honest? Are you just reveling in the fact that it is not happening to you? Want to see the damage from afar? Selfish and uncaring to say the least...

[Sofie2013]

Several things to consider:

 

a) You don't know all the facts about her affair. All you were informed was that it was a ONS. The rest you are assuming.

Yes she said it was only ONS but it was also a EA from what she told me. The both of them spent a lot of time talking to each other and lunch dates. She also told they shared hugs and kiss but she claims they only slept with each other once which I find very hard to believe. Even if she has told me the truth she still had EA.

 

b) She already admitted to having the guilt getting the better of her. Thus the reason she told you. She's now in the phase where she's desperate to get this off her chest.

I agree with this but one of the reasons my affair went on so long even when I was feeling guilty was because I need someone to tell and talk too. I had no one to talk so I went to the one guy who I could talk to and it was my AP. So I’m scared if she doesnt come clean it could get out of control and she might end just like me. That’s the last thing I want to happen to her and her family.

 

 

I don’t think the guilt alone is going to be enough for her to come clean. The guilt could make her fall deeper in the affair.

[elaine567]

I don’t think the guilt alone is going to be enough for her to come clean. The guilt could make her fall deeper in the affair.

 

Is the affair ongoing?

[badkarma2013]

I feel for you, and it is easy to do having been there had that happen. It is 2 years and 3 months past d-day for me and what affects me most today is the fact that all these people knew and did not care enough about me to say a word. Is there a word for betrayal times 12?

 

To all who can come up with an excuse not to say anything because "it is going to cause more unnecessary drama in your life" or whatever else you can come up with, I hope to hope I do not know you. Is it going to cause you some discomfort to be honest? Are you just reveling in the fact that it is not happening to you? Want to see the damage from afar? Selfish and uncaring to say the least...

 

My sentiments exactly ....and yes there is a word for Betrayal x 12...The word is Divorce...

[violet1]

I feel for you, and it is easy to do having been there had that happen. It is 2 years and 3 months past d-day for me and what affects me most today is the fact that all these people knew and did not care enough about me to say a word. Is there a word for betrayal times 12?

 

To all who can come up with an excuse not to say anything because "it is going to cause more unnecessary drama in your life" or whatever else you can come up with, I hope to hope I do not know you. Is it going to cause you some discomfort to be honest? Are you just reveling in the fact that it is not happening to you? Want to see the damage from afar? Selfish and uncaring to say the least...

I'm sorry my comment upset you. I have been in a somewhat similar situation as Sofie and telling did not turn out well for me. I didn't have proof and I wasn't believed. It caused a lot of problems for me with my family. I know it's easy to say you wish so and so would have said something after the fact. My question is, do you think you would have believed that person over your H if something was said? In my case, my own family member didn't believe me. Of course telling the truth is the right thing, but unfortunately not everyone wants to hear the truth. Again, my apologies for offending you.

 

 

I also have been in your position btw, but I see at things differently than you. My H cheated on me when we were living together a few years before we got married. His friend knew all about it and never said anything. Was I upset? Yes. Did I blame the friend? No, because it was not his responsibility to tell me, it was my H's. Plus there was no proof and I'm not sure I would have believed him at that time. However, in order for me to move on with my H, he had to agree to not hang out with that friend alone. They're no longer friends now because he didn't have use for my H after the partying stopped.

[Gofsttrnlft]

I'm sorry my comment upset you. I have been in a somewhat similar situation as Sofie and telling did not turn out well for me. I didn't have proof and I wasn't believed. It caused a lot of problems for me with my family. I know it's easy to say you wish so and so would have said something after the fact. My question is, do you think you would have believed that person over your H if something was said? In my case, my own family member didn't believe me. Of course telling the truth is the right thing, but unfortunately not everyone wants to hear the truth. Again, my apologies for offending you.

 

 

I also have been in your position btw, but I see at things differently than you. My H cheated on me when we were living together a few years before we got married. His friend knew all about it and never said anything. Was I upset? Yes. Did I blame the friend? No, because it was not his responsibility to tell me, it was my H's. Plus there was no proof and I'm not sure I would have believed him at that time. However, in order for me to move on with my H, he had to agree to not hang out with that friend alone. They're no longer friends now because he didn't have use for my H after the partying stopped.

 

 

What offends me is that people will make excuses, justifications, so that they do not have to tell the truth. Really all that is happening is keeping something to themselves for personal convenience. What kind of friend puts another friend, the OP, in this position? Not a friend at all. So whats to lose? Nothing at all. A true friend would not have outed the affair to her and dealt with it herself.

 

I am sorry that your family turned on you. Again I point to character. Yes I would have believed any of my group of friends had they come and told me. Why not? Who would make that up? And it would not have been about not wanting to hear the truth. Sure when an affair is outed the BS definitely doesn't WANT to hear the truth, who would. But at the point of being told the truth, at least that person then has the option of figuring out what to do next. I could have, after being told the truth, confronted my wife and the look on her face would have been all the truth I needed.

 

If the OP has has any shred of humanity, compassion, or character, again, she will give the husband the info he deserves to have. He can be mad at her, call her names etc., but he will then be armed with the information he so rightly deserves to have. What else he will have is at least one person in his life he knows he can rely on when things get bad and that is priceless. I know. On d-day I had no one to call, no one. My entire friend base was demolished. That made it so much worse.

 

I have no hard feelings towards you violet. As you can see I am hypersensitive when it comes to this subject and that will not change.

Edited February 5, 2015 by Gofsttrnlft

[georgyboy]

Sofie,

So pleased to see you posting again.

(As a BH whose wife had a 6 month PA with a married Man) I feel your friend has put in between a Rock and a Hard Place. You can't win Sofie.

IMO i believe the best way for you to go is tell your friend that you do not want hear any more of her confidences and leave it at that

With all best wishes to you and the boys

Edited February 5, 2015 by georgyboy

[road]

Are you serious?

 

 

 

It depends on how good you look. This BH is already going to be suffering enough.

 

 

ROTFALMAO

[road]

As already said, tell this WW you tell your BH or I will.

[autumnnight]

I believe the OP should tell the BH.

 

That said, SHE is not the one cheating, and I don't like the idea of someone who isn't the cheater somehow supposedly responsible for this awful thing just because of their decision about telling.

 

I remember reading a BH's thread where he made a passing comment about not knowing if he could tell the other BW, and then it went on for pages and pages about how this man was awful for not telling the wife. His life has just been shattered, and strangers were jumping down his throat about who to tell instead of helping HIM. Ridiculous.

[Ralph79]

The OP came here seeking our advice and our opinion. Not to find people berating themselves over our opinions. And those already berating the OP for not agreeing to follow their advice: you should be ashamed of yourselves.

 

This is a hard choice and she came seeking advice on what would be best way for her to do the right thing without being hurt herself: "So a part me feels like he has to know the truth from anyone but I don’t want to be the person."

 

Now her friend said it was a ONS. Meaning it's over. (I think. This is not clear).

 

To the OP: If you are worried about her possible transmitting STD's , try and convince her to get tested and see the results for yourself. If she doesn't comply, then tell her you are going to act in the best interest of both because you won't allow her irresponsibility to affect an innocent man even more.

 

You said something else:

 

"I don’t think the guilt alone is going to be enough for her to come clean. The guilt could make her fall deeper in the affair."

 

And @elaine567 asked a very important question that changes everything:

"Is the affair ongoing?"

 

I said that if he's a close friend to you, then find out if the affair is ongoing. In which case I agree that he should know. I even stated you should play a part in him knowing somehow without being the "Squealer", which is what you originally wanted.

 

And to the rest of the repliers:

 

Please have an open mind and understand all answers are based on personal experiences.

 

A distant friend I knew since Jr. High committed suicide taking his son with him as well, as a means of revenge after finding out his wife was cheating on him. He was a very successful banker and they seemed happy. I wouldn't want that outcome on my conscience if I were the one who broke the news that started their downward spiral.

 

I wouldn't want a close friend of mine or a brother or a sister living a lie either. I would tell them, but I would brace myself to be there to support them. To welcome them to stay at my house. And I would dedicate as much time as I could to help them recover. But notice how my answer is based on what I've lived through.

 

Now, to the posters offended and judging the opinions of those who would advice to stay quiet , I ask you this:

 

If your brother or sister had a ONS, an affair that you can verify and vouch for that it died that night, I'm pretty convinced you would coerce your loved one to come out and tell the truth.

 

But would you go behind their back and tell your in-laws if they don't?

 

I'm curious to read your honest response.

 

P.S.: This is very difficult on the OP. I'm trying to give her constructive advice for HER sake. Not the other guy, not her friend. I could be wrong, I could be right. I am merely sharing my opinion. I respect others but please tone down the harsh comments.

[jbrent890]

The OP came here seeking our advice and our opinion. Not to find people berating themselves over our opinions. And those already berating the OP for not agreeing to follow their advice: you should be ashamed of yourselves.

 

This is a hard choice and she came seeking advice on what would be best way for her to do the right thing without being hurt herself: "So a part me feels like he has to know the truth from anyone but I don’t want to be the person."

 

Now her friend said it was a ONS. Meaning it's over. (I think. This is not clear).

 

To the OP: If you are worried about her possible transmitting STD's , try and convince her to get tested and see the results for yourself. If she doesn't comply, then tell her you are going to act in the best interest of both because you won't allow her irresponsibility to affect an innocent man even more.

 

You said something else:

 

"I don’t think the guilt alone is going to be enough for her to come clean. The guilt could make her fall deeper in the affair."

 

And @elaine567 asked a very important question that changes everything:

"Is the affair ongoing?"

 

I said that if he's a close friend to you, then find out if the affair is ongoing. In which case I agree that he should know. I even stated you should play a part in him knowing somehow without being the "Squealer", which is what you originally wanted.

 

And to the rest of the repliers:

 

Please have an open mind and understand all answers are based on personal experiences.

 

A distant friend I knew since Jr. High committed suicide taking his son with him as well, as a means of revenge after finding out his wife was cheating on him. He was a very successful banker and they seemed happy. I wouldn't want that outcome on my conscience if I were the one who broke the news that started their downward spiral.

 

I wouldn't want a close friend of mine or a brother or a sister living a lie either. I would tell them, but I would brace myself to be there to support them. To welcome them to stay at my house. And I would dedicate as much time as I could to help them recover. But notice how my answer is based on what I've lived through.

 

Now, to the posters offended and judging the opinions of those who would advice to stay quiet , I ask you this:

 

If your brother or sister had a ONS, an affair that you can verify and vouch for that it died that night, I'm pretty convinced you would coerce your loved one to come out and tell the truth.

 

But would you go behind their back and tell your in-laws if they don't?

 

I'm curious to read your honest response.

 

P.S.: This is very difficult on the OP. I'm trying to give her constructive advice for HER sake. Not the other guy, not her friend. I could be wrong, I could be right. I am merely sharing my opinion. I respect others but please tone down the harsh comments.

 

If my brother cheated on his wife, I would do something worse than tell his spouse, I would tell our mother and trust me, she doesn't play that sh*t. My mother is old school. She brought us up to treat women with respect and that includes not cheating. She doesn't care how old we are, if we did something like that to our spouses, she would beat the black off of us, then make us confess. It is a huge reason why she will NEVER know what my wife did. She would literally hunt her down and kill her. Off topic I know, but you wanted an honest answer.

[Ralph79]

If my brother cheated on his wife, I would do something worse than tell his spouse, I would tell our mother and trust me, she doesn't play that sh*t. My mother is old school. She brought us up to treat women with respect and that includes not cheating. She doesn't care how old we are, if we did something like that to our spouses, she would beat the black off of us, then make us confess. It is a huge reason why she will NEVER know what my wife did. She would literally hunt her down and kill her. Off topic I know, but you wanted an honest answer.

 

lol fair enough. I find it somewhat ironic that your first reaction would be to tell your mom, so that she would take care of this, thus this is off your hands, defeating the point. But I will take your answer as a: Yes, if my mom weren't around, I'd tell his wife.

[jbrent890]

lol fair enough. I find it somewhat ironic that your first reaction would be to tell your mom, so that she would take care of this, thus this is off your hands, defeating the point. But I will take your answer as a: Yes, if my mom weren't around, I'd tell his wife.

 

Not tell, but put that threat out there. Trust me, that threat is all we would need. I honestly think that a lot of WSs would confess if they had my mother in the background. Just amalgamate all the scary black women you see in movies and that's my mom.

[sidney2718]

The thing is, her friend opening up to her about it without the OP in any way asking about it..means her friend MADE it her business. If it wasn't her business she should of kept her mouth shut, she didn't, so now she has lost that claim to being able to say she should mind her own business. She was minding her own business..and then this person dropped this bomb on her.

 

Very true. But I think that Sophie should do what is best for HER. And the best thing for her is not to be involved in this.

 

I'd take the coward's way out. Next time you see your friend tell her that you don't believe her story and you don't want to hear any more about it. And if she starts to tell you more about it, walk away. If her husband finds out, and he likely will given how talkative his wife is, you can always tell him with a straight face that you never said anything because you didn't believe the story.

 

Yes, this is unethical, but it takes Sophie out of the middle of the mess. Threatening to tell the husband will certainly cost Sophie the wife's friendship and actually telling the husband will cost everyone, including her kids, a lot of trouble.

 

Why don't I advocate telling the husband? Because I don't know anything about the state of the woman's marriage. It can't be great if she is having an affair. If the woman wants out of her marriage, she should have the guts to tell her husband herself.

 

MORAL of the STORY: Don't ever put a friend into a position like this. It just isn't right. Sophie, no matter what, is in bad trouble here through no fault of her own.

[Josmatjes]

Mind your own business and stay out of it! Trust me!

 

If you say anything both parties are going to hate you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. Walk away....do NOT let them get you involved...do not get in the middle.....

 

This is their problem...not yours.