Would you tell the betrayed spouse about an affair?

[sidney2718]

I don’t think the guilt alone is going to be enough for her to come clean. The guilt could make her fall deeper in the affair.

 

You are right. But in a major way the important thing is for you to protect yourself.

[Josmatjes]

Ya know I read some post on here saying that you should tell. I think it really depends on the situation and how close you are to the person.

 

If its a close relative I would definitely say something. I told a friend last year that her husband had had a ons and I knew this because he bragged about it to some guys one of them my husband. She didn't believe me because I had no proof and demanded to know who the woman was and I didn't know, but I felt she should know. Well let's just say we are not friends anymore.

 

I think some people get embarrassed and humiliated that someone knows and tells them,blinked why didn't they figure it out themselves. I think you really need to gauge the situation.

 

But I still fell that in some situations, mind your own business!

[sidney2718]

I feel for you, and it is easy to do having been there had that happen. It is 2 years and 3 months past d-day for me and what affects me most today is the fact that all these people knew and did not care enough about me to say a word. Is there a word for betrayal times 12?

 

To all who can come up with an excuse not to say anything because "it is going to cause more unnecessary drama in your life" or whatever else you can come up with, I hope to hope I do not know you. Is it going to cause you some discomfort to be honest? Are you just reveling in the fact that it is not happening to you? Want to see the damage from afar? Selfish and uncaring to say the least...

 

I hear you and understand your pain. But your situation and Sophie's are not exactly comparable. No matter what she does, she gets hurt. It isn't just drama. If she tells, she loses a friend. And possibly two if the husband is not happy with the messenger. If she doesn't tell, and the husband finds out that she knew and didn't tell, then she loses a different friend.

 

Can she unhear the message? I've posted on that already.

 

Let me put the problem this way: here there is a split between doing the ethical thing and having to bear the pain of it, or doing the unethical thing and "unhearing" the story. That protects Sophie, at least to some degree.

[sidney2718]

As already said, tell this WW you tell your BH or I will.

 

So she tells the husband. He says "got evidence?" She tells the truth, no she doesn't.

So the husband asks his wife. She denies everything saying "Sophie is just a jealous b!tch and can't stand the fact that we have a happy marriage and she doesn't."

 

Result: Sophie not only loses these "friends", but many of the rest of their mutual friends as well, since they can't understand why Sophie went to the husband with such a strange story and no proof.

 

Suggestion: Sophie should unremember her friends story and deny she ever heard it.

[jbrent890]

I think there is a huge difference if a guy receives this type of information as opposed to a woman. A lot of women that are responding are looking at this through woman's perspective. Not to be that guy, but I think more women are guilty of shooting the messenger than men are. IMO most men don't need proof. It would be one thing is she said "I think I saw her with someone else." However, this woman told Sophie that she cheated. That's all she needs to say to the husband. At the very least, it will cause him to investigate himself. Also, a lot of people want to think that this situation is different when it's not. We have all seen her friend's situation plenty of times. This will not be a ONS and I think a lot of people on here need to stop kidding themselves. This woman works with this guy. At the very least this will still be an EA. How many people in full blown affairs felt guilty about cheating but still continued to do so. If I was in Sophie's position and I knew there was something I could have done to stop this but didn't, I wouldn't be able to live myself. It's no different than watching a guy get jumped in an alley and standing there doing nothing.

[jbrent890]

This is a very outlandish idea, but Sophie does you exH know this guy?

[Ralph79]

I think there is a huge difference if a guy receives this type of information as opposed to a woman. A lot of women that are responding are looking at this through woman's perspective. Not to be that guy, but I think more women are guilty of shooting the messenger than men are. IMO most men don't need proof.

 

I disagree. I think that depends on the circumstance and mindset of the person, not their sex. But that's also just my opinion.

 

This will not be a ONS and I think a lot of people on here need to stop kidding themselves. This woman works with this guy. At the very least this will still be an EA.

 

Again your opinion, and you have to admit you are assuming things the OP hasn't even clarified and might not be sure of herself. She found out a few weeks ago. How long ago was the ONS? How frequently does the friend have contact with the co-worker (I have no idea what type of job they have). There is a lot info missing in order to jump to conclusions.

 

If I was in Sophie's position and I knew there was something I could have done to stop this but didn't, I wouldn't be able to live myself. It's no different than watching a guy get jumped in an alley and standing there doing nothing.

 

Stop what? Again the OP hasn't clarified if this is an ongoing affair. And for us or her to assume it is, just because of a gut feeling would be wrong. You want to open a can of worms based on a gut feeling? If you think the husband should know, then IMO the "Right" thing to do would be to get more facts out of her friend first, THEN approach the husband with more concrete info. But that doesn't seem right to me somehow.

 

You also just said "Not tell, but put that threat out there." in regards to weather or not you would tell your Sister in Law about your brother's hypothetical infidelities. How easy it is to pressure people to do things you wouldn't do yourself in comparable circumstances.

[Mal78]

I've had two friends (whom I considered close friends) who kept me in the dark (one me bff the other kind of a work colleague whom I was with every day). I was never told why I wasn't told/confided in. I half think they know I was a BS and didn't want to put me in that position or they thought I might be a loose cannon. I found out when the sh*t the fan in both situations.

 

Either way I am not friends with either. Both friendships drifted after that as I felt I didn’t want to loose my integrity by association, both BS's was shocked I wasn't told given how close I was to each.

 

It's a slippery slope but I would take the higher ground on this.

 

What makes you think she confided something like this with you?

[NoC]

Sofie this is very simple. Tell her either she confesses to her BH or you will no longer be friends with her and her family. Just like she has done with her marriage, she put you and your friendship in a compromising situation, hence things can never be the same as they were before. That is the best and least damaging option IMO, the lesser evil if you will. Good luck!

[Hobbes' wagon]

Yes, I would, because it's the right thing to do. The BH has the right to know. Also, Sophie, let's say BH contracts HIV or some other STD from his cheating wife. Could you live with yourself knowing you could have prevented that by telling him?

 

Does your xBH know about this situation? If I found out someone I know knew about someone being cheated on and didn't tell him/her, that person would be out of my life forever, because it would tell me they, by not telling, supported the affair and the cheater, and I wouldn't want that kind of a person in my life.

 

I'm saddened that you feel your "obligation" to this friend or your fear of being "the bad messenger" in your mind outweighs "doing the right thing" and protecting the BH from possible STDs and other dangers connected with cheating. I believe if you were truly remoresful, you wouldn't want anyone to suffer like your xBH had to suffer and you would do what you could to help.

 

Anyway, best wishes

[elaine567]

I would say nothing if I were in Sofie's shoes, but I would urge my friend to either stop the affair immediately if it was ongoing or had the potential to be ongoing, to get herself tested and if positive to tell her husband right away.

If this was a ONS, or a burnt out affair with no possibility of repeat and no stds I would bury it, dead and gone. Lesson learned hopefully.

No good will come of divorces and ruining kids lives forever for the sake of a few moments of madness.

 

If she was determined to carry on with the affair, then I would see my role as trying my damnedness to get her to stop for the sake of her kids.

 

If the wife did tell me something in confidence, I do not think it is good practice to betray the confidence of a friend here, nor for me to play judge and jury. I am not in their marriage, who am I to say she should be outed and burned in hell...

 

Sofie has also had an affair; she may be an easy victim if there was fall out from any revelation. So if I was her, I would leave it all well alone and not rock any boats.

[jm2013]

Sofie is in a tricky situation. Her friend's husband is probably more of a friend than her anyways. If you have a person telling another person who they're married to and happily screwing them over each day you have to wonder what YOUR friendship really is. There is a huge character flaw there and I'd be willing to bet if she had to screw you over too she would. With that being said since she already told you about the affair you got tossed in the middle of it. If her husband finds out about the affair and your friend drops that she told you then he's going to be so pissed off at you for not telling him. Maybe you can just hint things to him and not directly tell him. Tell him enough to start his own investigation and leave it at that. Then just play dumb about it.

[road]

Ya know I read some post on here saying that you should tell. I think it really depends on the situation and how close you are to the person.

 

If its a close relative I would definitely say something. I told a friend last year that her husband had had a ons and I knew this because he bragged about it to some guys one of them my husband. She didn't believe me because I had no proof and demanded to know who the woman was and I didn't know, but I felt she should know. Well let's just say we are not friends anymore.

 

I think some people get embarrassed and humiliated that someone knows and tells them,blinked why didn't they figure it out themselves. I think you really need to gauge the situation.

 

But I still fell that in some situations, mind your own business!

 

 

 

It is normal to feel embarrassed and drop the person that told you. And in being dropped you are being saved from further contact with the BS's WS. Social circles tend to drop the WS and BS as friends because they perceive the WS as a tiger that will never change their stripes.

 

 

It is a circling of the wagons for protection to keep a know predator away from their marriage. In another words mate protecting.

 

 

As to telling it appears many spend no time reading here. For many never seem to recall the huge amount of BS's hurt because everyone yet no one told them. Their inaction let their abuse at the hands of the WS continue.

 

 

There is no escaping collateral damage whether the BS is told or not told. So do the right thing and tell the BS.

[road]

So she tells the husband. He says "got evidence?" She tells the truth, no she doesn't.

So the husband asks his wife. She denies everything saying "Sophie is just a jealous b!tch and can't stand the fact that we have a happy marriage and she doesn't."

 

Result: Sophie not only loses these "friends", but many of the rest of their mutual friends as well, since they can't understand why Sophie went to the husband with such a strange story and no proof.

 

Suggestion: Sophie should unremember her friends story and deny she ever heard it.

 

 

 

This is not a court of law. She does not have to prove the truth. As to losing a friendship with a liar. She will not be losing much.

[autumnnight]

If I was in Sophie's position and I knew there was something I could have done to stop this but didn't, I wouldn't be able to live myself. It's no different than watching a guy get jumped in an alley and standing there doing nothing.

 

This is ridiculous. Of course it's different. This is more like someone telling Sophie "I jumped a guy in the alley and I feel really bad about it" and Sophie going to the police.

 

This is not about SOPHIE's character. This is about the character of the person who confessed the cheating. Period.

[Clay]

With friends like this who needs enemies.

 

Clay

[autumnnight]

With friends like this who needs enemies.

 

Clay

 

I agree. The cheating woman who dumped this information on Sophie unasked is not much of a friend.

[Clay]

I agree. The cheating woman who dumped this information on Sophie unasked is not much of a friend.

 

I am not just including the wife in that post.

[Ralph79]

I am not just including the wife in that post.

 

OMG You do know that the OP was a Cheater who was caught. The wife in question was someone who stood by her when the OP got fired from her job:

"She was however very supportive and was there for me when I was trying to reconcile with my ex."

 

I advice everyone who is bashing the OP to please read up one of her posts in this thread.

 

Also are we naive enough to think she's just going to lose 1 "bad" friend? Don't you think the wife is going to tell EVERYONE in her social circle that the OP butted into things that were none of her business and with the track record the OP has, a lot of people are going to never trust again or be welcomed as a "friend" EVER?.

 

For those who question her decency or her morals understand what's at stake here. She's not the marriage police. She came to these boards seeking our advice, not to be judged.

[autumnnight]

I am not just including the wife in that post.

 

I knew that. I was just expanding to make it rational rather than projection.

[violet1]

I would keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. Walk away....do NOT let them get you involved...do not get in the middle.....

 

This is their problem...not yours.

This is exactly how I feel. Plus, Sofie mentioned that her boys are close to the friend's kid. If she tells the BH, this could possibly ruin the friendship of the kids. That's not fair to Sofie's boys or the other child. Haven't her boys already lost enough? Her friend is not a child. It's not Sofie's job to tell her friend's BH. It's her responsibility as a friend to give good advice and encourage the friend to make healthy choices. Plus, making bad choices doesn't mean you are a horrible person. Sofie mentioned her friend was supportive of her during the divorce. Is everyone seriously going judge the friend's ENTIRE character because of a one night stand? That seems a bit much *to me*.

[Clay]

OMG You do know that the OP was a Cheater who was caught. The wife in question was someone who stood by her when the OP got fired from her job:

"She was however very supportive and was there for me when I was trying to reconcile with my ex."

 

I advice everyone who is bashing the OP to please read up one of her posts in this thread.

 

Also are we naive enough to think she's just going to lose 1 "bad" friend? Don't you think the wife is going to tell EVERYONE in her social circle that the OP butted into things that were none of her business and with the track record the OP has, a lot of people are going to never trust again or be welcomed as a "friend" EVER?.

 

For those who question her decency or her morals understand what's at stake here. She's not the marriage police. She came to these boards seeking our advice, not to be judged.

 

I actually was not focusing this on OP. If you have read her thread you will notice I have commented to it many times over the last couple of years. I actually give her credit for trying to turn her life back around and do the right thing.

 

She is here once again asking for advice about doing the right thing. I am just surprised to see how many people would bail. I can say I personally would not want to have friends like that in my life.

 

I completely see why she is afraid to bring the attention on her because her her past but sadly enough her friend put her in that spot and now its up to her to choose what to do with that information.

[Sofie2013]

This is a very outlandish idea, but Sophie does you exH know this guy?

 

 

Lol I already thought about that. I was really thinking about having my Ex do it telling my friends husband. He does know him but they’re not really friends. Knowing my ex he wouldn’t do it. My ex prefers his life to be drama free so he won’t do anything to cause himself any unneeded problems.

[Ralph79]

I actually was not focusing this on OP. If you have read her thread you will notice I have commented to it many times over the last couple of years. I actually give her credit for trying to turn her life back around and do the right thing.

 

She is here once again asking for advice about doing the right thing. I am just surprised to see how many people would bail. I can say I personally would not want to have friends like that in my life.

 

I completely see why she is afraid to bring the attention on her because her her past but sadly enough her friend put her in that spot and now its up to her to choose what to do with that information.

 

I apologize I thought you were. Wow, I'm slow. I just got what you meant.

 

I just think we really should get more facts.

 

The STD concern is easily taken care of by an escorted trip to the Lab.

 

And if this is more than a ONS that happened many years ago, I myself suggested she ensures that the H finds out. But not at her own expense.

[Sofie2013]

Sofie this is very simple. Tell her either she confesses to her BH or you will no longer be friends with her and her family. Just like she has done with her marriage, she put you and your friendship in a compromising situation, hence things can never be the same as they were before. That is the best and least damaging option IMO, the lesser evil if you will. Good luck!

 

 

I think your right. This is what I’m going to have to do. I do love and care for my friend but I can’t be involved in her lies and I don’t want. I’m going to have to tell I can’t of her life any longer with a secret like this but I will let her know I will be there for her if she does the right thing like she was there for me.