Would you tell the betrayed spouse about an affair?

[Clay]

I know my thoughts on this can be clouded at times due to the fact I am a BS. I can also tell you this anyone in my life that knew my xW was cheating on me are now no longer in my life. I don't need to be a BS to know the difference between right and wrong. Its really simple for me.

 

I would tell him. He has a right to protect his health and that of his kids too.

 

 

Clay

[Spectre]

People need to stop with this "shoot the messenger" nonsense. It doesn't always happen. Either way, what is more important, maintaining a friendship with a cheater...or being able to help a guy stop living a lie..that could potentially go on for the rest of his life?

 

If it ruins your friendship..meh, she shouldn't of put you in this situation to begin with. You should tell, especially since you cheated on your husband, you know the damage this can do, the longer it waits..the worse it gets. Sorry, I'm not going to say you 100% have to tell or that you are "honor bound" to tell, but this woman sure as hell made it your business by deciding to clue you into what was going on, so no matter what happens, this can never be a case of "you should mind your own business" because the OP was doing exactly that until her friend dropped this bomb on her.

 

If your friend is willing to continue to lie to this guys face..every single day, for the rest of his life? I am sorry, she is not a good person, she might be your friend, but a good person would never do that to someone they cared about. It's a cruel and sick thing to do, especially if she tries to hide it by saying the reason she is doing it is for "the kids". If she was a decent human being you wouldn't have to say anything because she would of already confessed, but she hasn't, and now she dropped the burden on you.

Edited February 9, 2015 by Spectre

[Ralph79]

People need to stop with this "shoot the messenger" nonsense. It doesn't always happen. Either way, what is more important, maintaining a friendship with a cheater...or being able to help a guy stop living a lie..that could potentially go on for the rest of his life?

 

If it ruins your friendship..meh, she shouldn't of put you in this situation to begin with. You should tell, especially since you cheated on your husband, you know the damage this can do, the longer it waits..the worse it gets. Sorry, I'm not going to say you 100% have to tell or that you are "honor bound" to tell, but this woman sure as hell made it your business by deciding to clue you into what was going on, so no matter what happens, this can never be a case of "you should mind your own business" because the OP was doing exactly that until her friend dropped this bomb on her.

 

If your friend is willing to continue to lie to this guys face..every single day, for the rest of his life? I am sorry, she is not a good person, she might be your friend, but a good person would never do that to someone they cared about. It's a cruel and sick thing to do, especially if she tries to hide it by saying the reason she is doing it is for "the kids". If she was a decent human being you wouldn't have to say anything because she would of already confessed, but she hasn't, and now she dropped the burden on you.

 

It is more than just her crummy friendship at stake, which in it's current state isn't worth much. But do you honestly think her friend will just be mad at her for telling the husband and sit tight? She's going to make life impossible for her in retribution. Because she was there to help her when her own affair was discovered. Again people find it so easy to pressure others to do things when they're not the ones paying the price.

 

Those in favor of her telling the husband at least give her advice on how to do this without her getting hurt. Or at least make her aware of all the possible consequences so she can prepare for it.

 

Secondly is it really worth tell the BS about something the Cheater did a long time ago and never amounted to anything other than a ONS?

[carhill]

Like the title says would you tell the BS if you knew about the affair, one of my friends has put me in this position and I have known idea what to do. I was going to post this in the morning but I didn’t because I decided to keep my mouth shut but now I don’t know.

Been in this position with MW's where I knew their spouse. I strongly suggested they tell their spouse and/or engage in MC.

 

I've never had independently verifiable evidence of any disclosures so really didn't have anything to present a spouse with, other than my hearsay. Who's a spouse going to believe, a third party or their spouse? I've seen enough social hacks, in my case by women, to know that telling their spouse could amount to social suicide, at bare minimum, or more deadly results, depending on how convincing the MW was. Never underestimate the guile and creativity of someone on a mission.

 

Perhaps it's different for women telling on other women, IDK. It can be dangerous for a man.

[Revolver]

You would be surprised how many people actually know their partner is cheating but don't care

[RedRobin]

The times I would tell the betrayed party is if they were a relative... and I had irrefutable proof.

 

 

Other people... no, and I'll tell you why. If the person cheating can cheat, then you better believe they will do just about anything to cover their tracks, including impugning you and your reputation.

 

 

I'd end this friendship, is what I would do. And tell her "thank you very much for making me disposable and an accomplice." Because that is how I feel about people who tell me about their affair(s) and they have no intention of telling their spouse, seeking therapy, or any of that. Tell her that if she ever cares to confess, then you will be there to support her, then say adios.

 

 

I finally ditched a good female friend last year who did this. We have overlapping social circles, so it was obvious to one of my other friends that I was avoiding that woman and he asked me about it. I told him point blank that the woman was cheating on her H and I wanted nothing to do with her. That put HIM in a tough spot too, since he is friends with the H.

 

 

I told him, well, as far as you know, everything I've just told you is hearsay... so take it however you want to.... but know that this man is going to need a friend. Make your mind up for yourself...

 

 

Word gets out eventually. And even the H will start to wonder when her friends start dropping away one by one.

[ascendotum]

What offends me is that people will make excuses, justifications, so that they do not have to tell the truth. Really all that is happening is keeping something to themselves for personal convenience. What kind of friend puts another friend, the OP, in this position? Not a friend at all. So whats to lose? Nothing at all. A true friend would not have outed the affair to her and dealt with it herself.

the look on her face would have been all the truth I needed.

 

Didn't your marriage end in divorce when you found out?

I am sure there are plenty of people don't want to be responsible for breaking up a friend's marriage, and turning the world upside down for the children. They will see that as a pretty good excuse to keep this dirty secret to themselves...a secret they probably preferred to not know plus the original sin was not committed by them. If they know both partners in the marriage really well, they owe allegiance to both, but probably more so the original long term friend. In the OP's case her friend stood by her after her affair and helped her during tough times.

 

I also think there are different circumstances where it is affair (on-going deceit ) and a one off ONS episode. If it is something that is done - in the past and wont be repeated and their partner (BS) is blissfully unaware then there is a very good chance a happy family will stay that way in the absence of any confession...or snitching.

[autumnnight]

The times I would tell the betrayed party is if they were a relative... and I had irrefutable proof.

 

 

Other people... no, and I'll tell you why. If the person cheating can cheat, then you better believe they will do just about anything to cover their tracks, including impugning you and your reputation.

 

Yep, and here's a hard fact. I hear this thrown around a lot:

 

No one can get sued for telling the truth.

 

Not only is that just a stupid misconception, it's actually not even true. The truer statement would be this: It's hard to WIN a lawsuit when the other person is telling the truth.

 

But maybe the cheater doesn't want to win. Maybe the cheater just wants to make the "teller's" life as much hell as the teller made theirs. Sad but true.

 

IF I was related to or in person personally and closely knew these people, I would tell.

 

Other than that, not my circus, not my monkeys. I have a family too.

[Gloria25]

Stay out of it...

 

Married people are funny...They'll be arguing, cheating, whatever, and back together again.

 

Also, don't think the BS is totally ignorant as to what's going on. Lots of times they know, but don't care.

 

And yes, ditch this "friend". I don't have a lot of people I consider "friends" cuz of crap they do like this. I don't wanna be associated with people who do certain things. There was a time I'd say "no body is perfect", but it's hard to be "friends" with slimy people. Better she should have not told you about it.

 

I had a gf and from day one I could tell her husband was a controlling loser. I even suspected he was beating on her. Finally, when she called me up to let me know they separated and that he was beating on her, I leveled with her and let her know that I thought he was a jerk from day one. Well, they're back together again and I have zero respect for her.

 

Again, married people have their little "dance" and it takes two to tango - not "three" and you are "three". Stay out of it.

[ascendotum]

I would tell him. He has a right to protect his health and that of his kids too.

 

Clay

 

I think the health issue is being over stated. How do you or Sophie not know they used condom. This incident is over a one off ONS and her friend has not confessed to sleeping with dozens of men from CL or some sleazy nightclub player who sleeps with a different women every weekend. It was another guy she works with in her office. Maybe another married guy. Sure its possible he might have something unknown but he is not likely to be in high risk demographic and with no greater risk than it was with her husband when they originally met or with past bfs when they first had sex or with her past flings, non of who were likely put on hold till they provided a pathology report. If she doesn't have the pox then her husband (and her kids from kisses on the cheek) health will fine.

[Mazerati]

I realize this is off topic, am new to posting here, bear with me. Having read Sofie's many posts regarding her situation. If anyone is worthy of another chance, you are.

 

You may never get that chance because the choice is not yours to make, but that does not make you any less worthy, IMHO.

 

I can offer no additional advice to help your quest, for that I am truly sorry. Many kind souls have already provided their insight to help you cope, and hopefully heal.

 

But I can offer encouragement, and I do. Perhaps someday your ex-H will make 'Sofie his choice' again.

 

I will close with the immortal words of Commander Peter Quincy Taggart:

 

"Never Give Up - Never Surrender"

 

Good luck!!!!

 

Maz

[SolG]

I see people cheat all the time and frankly see it as none of my business. But then again... I'm talking about work colleagues as opposed to friends.

 

I've only involved myself once. A really good friend of mine was going through a rough patch with her then H and started an EA with a guy. He was wealthy and wined and dined her, and promised the world. She was gone hook, line and sinker. She was leaving her H to run off and have this guy's babies after about only a month. I was really concerned that she was already quite emotionally vulnerable and was going to get massively hurt by this obvious (to me) player.

 

I didn't tell her H, I emailed the MOM. I simply said how lovely they were making plans. And if he didn't follow through soon, and in not doing so hurt my friend... I'd be in touch with his W. He sent me back a barrage of expletives and dumped her like a hot potato. Which I knew he'd do. I nursed her through it, and she has no idea to this day that I did that. I do know at the time she would have hated me!

 

Looking back, I had no thought whatsoever for her BS... although by extension he was my friend too I guess. We did lots of couple stuff - I was married to my xH at the time. If he was cheating on her and I found out conclusively, I probably would have told her. To me, I guess the nature of the friendship has a part to play.

 

That was a really long time ago. But I'm not sure I'd do it any differently today. I hope I never have to find out! Sorry you're in this quandry OP.

 

Edit to include: I've just had more of a think. And from my perspective, I absolutely would not expect an aquaintance or friend by association to give me this kind of news - of my SO cheating. I don't see it as the responsibility of someone this distant to involve themselves in my life in that intimate a way. A close friend, yes. Anyone else, back off.

Edited March 18, 2015 by SolG