Would you tell the betrayed spouse about an affair?

[Sofie2013]

With friends like this who needs enemies.

 

Clay

 

 

She isn’t a bad person. For the most part she is very loving, caring and dependable. She just put herself in a really mess situation and is scared of what could happen. Honestly I feel sorry for her because I know the way she feeling and it isn’t a good. We all do thing we regret I just hope she’s able to do the right thing.

[aliveagain]

Let's hope she told you her secret because she is thinking of doing the right thing and not because she was prepping you as a future alibi. I think it is important that you let her know that you will not lie for her but you will be there for her if she does the right thing.

[No Limit]

Yes, I would tell the BS. Had to learn the hard way that people have more facettes than just the nice, kind one they express most of the time. Other people have 'poisened' themselves to the point of expressing it unconsciously, although that's something I've experienced only 2 times yet.

[whichwayisup]

Lol I already thought about that. I was really thinking about having my Ex do it telling my friends husband. He does know him but they’re not really friends. Knowing my ex he wouldn’t do it. My ex prefers his life to be drama free so he won’t do anything to cause himself any unneeded problems.

 

No, if you're going to tell, be the one to tell. To get someone else so you can wash your hands of the being the messenger and have to deal with her and her husband afterwards isn't right. Otherwise, stay out of it completely and tell her never to discuss it again with you, distance yourself from both of them as time goes on. Get busy and make plans so your kids are with other kids, not theirs so much.

[RightThere]

Long time ago, I was in a similar situation.

 

Friend of mine (who was a girl) confessed to me she had cheated on her husband. We had been friends for a while and although I never thought it was odd to have a good female friend, other people assumed we might be having an affair.

 

I straight up told her when she confessed to the affair (which was more than a ONS with one of her coworkers) that I lost respect for her and couldn't be her friend if she wasn't going to tell her husband.

 

I know from a distance they are still together and with kids now. I never had any friendship with her husband, so I didn't feel obligated to tell him at the time. Having being on the crappy end of the affair stick, I know I wish someone would have told me when it was going on.

 

However from a distance, they seem to be doing well and I doubt she ever told him. But I know regardless of the current situation, I would have wanted to know.

 

Kind of a wishy-washy post, but I don't regret dumping her as a friend for putting me in the situation of knowing she cheated on her husband. As for not telling him myself, I'm torn on that only because I had no friendship with him at all.

[SoleMate]

I have an idea for you Sofie. If/when you tell the H, you DON'T say that the wife is having an affair. (After all, it's hearsay and you do not have firsthand knowledge of the truth of your friend's story.) You don't say, "Sit down, I have something shocking to tell you." You don't get involved as an investigator, prosecutor, or social worker.

 

Instead, you testify to the husband as a competent witness in a courtroom: "Jemima told me the oddest story - she said she had a ONS with a coworker. I have no idea why she told me that or whether it's true. I figured that was more for you to address than me. I'm going to just pretend I didn't hear it. You folks are both my friends."

 

Yes, this leaves it open for Jemima to deny the affair, and also deny that she ever told you. However, you going in without an agenda or goals, just bringing facts (of Jemima's claim) to the party most interested, does give you some cover against blowback.

 

I would find it very hard to impossible to be friends with someone who was lying to their spouse like that. Cordial, maybe, but heart-to-heart friends.....no.

[Spectre]

But I still fell that in some situations, mind your own business!

 

Okay, but in this situation this woman voluntarily told the OP this information, so anyone saying "mind your own business" in this case makes zero sense.

 

Again, I repeat: this person TOLD the OP, she made it her business. That is case closed there, it's her business now whether she likes it or not. If she didn't want to make it her business she should of kept her affair to herself. There is absolutely no minding your own business here, period.

[No Limit]

Okay, but in this situation this woman voluntarily told the OP this information, so anyone saying "mind your own business" in this case makes zero sense.

 

Again, I repeat: this person TOLD the OP, she made it her business. That is case closed there, it's her business now whether she likes it or not. If she didn't want to make it her business she should of kept her affair to herself. There is absolutely no minding your own business here, period.

 

Well, if this friend knows Sofie has had an affair herself once, maybe she had hoped it would go to a direction like girly-fancy-admiring-talk and sharing experiences about their OMs, exchanging stories about awesome affair trips etc.

[Spectre]

Well, if this friend knows Sofie has had an affair herself once, maybe she had hoped it would go to a direction like girly-fancy-admiring-talk and sharing experiences about their OMs, exchanging stories about awesome affair trips etc.

 

That is a whole lot of assumptions for this woman to be making though. I still can't help feel if this woman wanted her to mind her business she wouldn't of mentioned it at all.

[autumnnight]

This whole idea that the OP has somehow fallen back into the pit of evil if SHE doesn't become responsible or the woman's marriage is ridiculous. Again, I think telling the H is a good idea, but good grief, Sophie is not the one who cheated. It isn't her job to heal this couple's marriage or the latent pain of people on the internet.

[sidney2718]

This is exactly how I feel. Plus, Sofie mentioned that her boys are close to the friend's kid. If she tells the BH, this could possibly ruin the friendship of the kids. That's not fair to Sofie's boys or the other child. Haven't her boys already lost enough? Her friend is not a child. It's not Sofie's job to tell her friend's BH. It's her responsibility as a friend to give good advice and encourage the friend to make healthy choices. Plus, making bad choices doesn't mean you are a horrible person. Sofie mentioned her friend was supportive of her during the divorce. Is everyone seriously going judge the friend's ENTIRE character because of a one night stand? That seems a bit much *to me*.

 

I totally agree.

 

This situation is interesting as it exposes the complexity of human interactions. "Doing the right thing" is so easy to say and sometimes so difficult to do. Right for whom? All three of them, Sophie, the OW, and the BS will have differing viewpoints. We don't know much about the marriage of the OW and the BS. If we did, the choice might be easier.

 

The OW cheated for a reason. It might not be a reason acceptable to many here, or again it might be one. Perhaps her husband gave her an STD and she feels justified in having an affair. Perhaps he beats her. She wouldn't be the first woman afraid even to tell a close friend about that. Or it could just have been the excitement of a new relationship.

 

But if we knew the reason we possibly could give better advice. But right now I think that the moral and ethical thing to do is for Sophie to protect both herself and her children. Others will have other opinions.

[sidney2718]

I think your right. This is what I’m going to have to do. I do love and care for my friend but I can’t be involved in her lies and I don’t want. I’m going to have to tell I can’t of her life any longer with a secret like this but I will let her know I will be there for her if she does the right thing like she was there for me.

 

Excellent. If you feel comfortable with this solution, do it. We will be here for you.

[sidney2718]

Okay, but in this situation this woman voluntarily told the OP this information, so anyone saying "mind your own business" in this case makes zero sense.

 

Again, I repeat: this person TOLD the OP, she made it her business. That is case closed there, it's her business now whether she likes it or not. If she didn't want to make it her business she should of kept her affair to herself. There is absolutely no minding your own business here, period.

 

I think you've got it a bit confused. The OP is NOT having an affair. Her friend is and told the OP about it. Many, including myself, feel that it is NOT the OP's business and being told about it doesn't make it her business.

[Spectre]

I think you've got it a bit confused. The OP is NOT having an affair. Her friend is and told the OP about it. Many, including myself, feel that it is NOT the OP's business and being told about it doesn't make it her business.

 

I understand perfectly, the "she" I am referring to when I said "if she wanted to make it her business" was referring to the OP's friend. In the thing you are quoting you can see me in the very first line saying that the OP was told of this information, so I knew this wasn't the OP's affair.

 

It's not the OP's business..until she made it her business by telling the OP.

 

As for this having the potential to ruin some of the kids friendships? Okay. But not telling has the potential to ruin the guys life. Is these kids having these specific friends THAT important that it is worth letting someone else continue to live a lie? Come on now.

Edited February 7, 2015 by Spectre

[autumnnight]

I understand perfectly, the "she" I am referring to when I said "if she wanted to make it her business" was referring to the OP's friend. In the thing you are quoting you can see me in the very first line saying that the OP was told of this information, so I knew this wasn't the OP's affair.

 

It's not the OP's business..until she made it her business by telling the OP.

 

As for this having the potential to ruin some of the kids friendships? Okay. But not telling has the potential to ruin the guys life. Is these kids having these specific friends THAT important that it is worth letting someone else continue to live a lie? Come on now.

 

I'm sorry your wife hurt you. Sophie isn't your wife.

[BrokenPrincess]

Don't you think she told you because you could relate given that you're a WW also?

 

This seems very holier than thou to feel obligated to tell her husband. You didn't even tell your own husband about your A...he caught you red-handed when you let your AP answer your hotel room phone in the middle of the night, right?

 

You said your friend is scared. It doesn't sound like she was telling you nochalantly or bragging, can you just offer her the support that you would've wanted if you hadn't gotten caught by your H? I confided in a friend about my A, and while she was extremely disappointed, she still helped me get through it, offered tough love, helped me figure out how to find a therapist, etc. I can never thank her enough for being such a strong friend to me when I needed it most, even when she was very personally against my actions.

[jbrent890]

Don't you think she told you because you could relate given that you're a WW also?

 

This seems very holier than thou to feel obligated to tell her husband. You didn't even tell your own husband about your A...he caught you red-handed when you let your AP answer your hotel room phone in the middle of the night, right?

 

You said your friend is scared. It doesn't sound like she was telling you nochalantly or bragging, can you just offer her the support that you would've wanted if you hadn't gotten caught by your H? I confided in a friend about my A, and while she was extremely disappointed, she still helped me get through it, offered tough love, helped me figure out how to find a therapist, etc. I can never thank her enough for being such a strong friend to me when I needed it most, even when she was very personally against my actions.

 

Her friend put her in an impossible situation and she is here asking for advice. Sofie is now trying to live an honest life and I don't see anything wrong with that. I find your assertion very hilarious because you still continue to lie to your spouse everyday about your A. Before you start throwing stones at other peoples glass houses, maybe you should throw a few at yours first.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry your wife hurt you. Sophie isn't your wife.

 

Umm..what? I know this, I don't even get the point of this. The bottom line is this person willingly told the OP this information. She made it her business. There is no debating this, it happened. Thus, none can say it is "not her business" because this woman decided to make it her business.

 

She isn’t a bad person. For the most part she is very loving, caring and dependable. She just put herself in a really mess situation and is scared of what could happen..

 

Loving, caring, dependable people do not engage in extramarital affairs. I know she is your friend, but let us not beat around the bush here. "Scared of what can happen" to me, translates out to "scared she will be rightfully divorced once her cheating ways are exposed" and of course she should be scared, but it is what it is. If she was so loving and caring, why is she cheating on her husband? Why is she tossing this burden onto you as well? She sure doesn't seem to act all loving and caring and dependable. She acts like a cheater.

 

Someone said you should just be there for her and "support" her. Sorry, she doesn't need anymore support, she got enough of that from this other dude. What she needs is a reality check. Or in other words, the woman having the affair needs to stop worrying about what SHE needs and start worrying about what her Husband needs. Now the OP has no control of this of course, but that is the only advice I can give. If you are not going to do the right thing and tell the husband, tell the friend that she should be doing the right thing and confessing.

Edited February 8, 2015 by Spectre

[autumnnight]

Umm..what? I know this, I don't even get the point of this. The bottom line is this person willingly told the OP this information. She made it her business. There is no debating this, it happened. Thus, none can say it is "not her business" because this woman decided to make it her business.

 

 

 

Loving, caring, dependable people do not engage in extramarital affairs. I know she is your friend, but let us not beat around the bush here. "Scared of what can happen" to me, translates out to "scared she will be rightfully divorced once her cheating ways are exposed" and of course she should be scared, but it is what it is. If she was so loving and caring, why is she cheating on her husband? Why is she tossing this burden onto you as well? She sure doesn't seem to act all loving and caring and dependable. She acts like a cheater.

 

Someone said you should just be there for her and "support" her. Sorry, she doesn't need anymore support, she got enough of that from this other dude. What she needs is a reality check. Or in other words, the woman having the affair needs to stop worrying about what SHE needs and start worrying about what her Husband needs. Now the OP has no control of this of course, but that is the only advice I can give. If you are not going to do the right thing and tell the husband, tell the friend that she should be doing the right thing and confessing.

 

I guess I'm just wondering why a stranger would get so invested in what someone ELSE does or does not do unless there is something else going on.

[Spectre]

I guess I'm just wondering why a stranger would get so invested in what someone ELSE does or does not do unless there is something else going on.

 

She got invested because..her friend GOT her invested into it. She can't unhear what she heard, can she? Did she beg for this information? No. I don't know why this person told the OP. Maybe she wanted support, maybe she knew the OP had also cheated so she thought maybe she would get sympathy from her, I don't pretend to know what goes through the minds of cheaters. The one thing I do know is, whatever her reason, when she decided to sit her down and tell her about this..she made her a part of it.

 

We could spend all night trying to figure out why. Could be the friend needed to get it off her chest. Could be the friend is hoping Sophie will say something to her H because she knows she will never admit it to him..could be a lot of things.

[autumnnight]

All of that is true. It does not mean Sophie is honor bound to get involved or that she is some kind of wayward backslider if she doesn't.

[lgspot]

Sofie,

Simple answer---NO. I WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE….

There is truth to “shoot the massager.” You could lose two friends. And you gain nothing…

 

 

Sunday before last I was having dinner with a friend in a restaurant in a city approx. 300 miles away when a lady from my town came in. The man she was with was not her husband. They were seated across the room from us. She hadn’t noticed me and was all over the guy. Obviously they were very familiar. This woman is in her late 40’s or 50’s and was dressed very seductively on a cold night. Ah ha…

When she finally saw me it was a classic deer in the headlights look. She looked like she could cry or die of embarrassment. I smiled, acknowledged her and hurried up our dinner and we left for another place for late dessert.

I’ve said nothing to anyone about seeing her.

 

 

The following Tuesday back in our town I was having a leisurely late lunch by myself and catching up on email when her and her husband came into the restaurant. We nodded and they were seated and ordered. The husband came over and sat down with me while they were waiting on their meal. She looked like she could have $h** and was squirming the whole time he and I visited. Of course she had no idea what we were talking about.

Now I’ve known this couple for close to 20 years, but we aren’t what I would call close friends. He and I work in the same industry and we’ve attended some of the same social events, but not buddies.

I’ve said nothing to him, nor am I going to. What goes on in their marriage is between them, and although I think he should know, I’m not about to get in the middle… Too much potential for drama!

Won’t tell anyone else either. Affair gossip always spreads and intensifies. Tell one person and that person, tells one person, etc… etc…

Tell him and guaranteed to stir $h** one way or another.

That evening I got an email for friend request on Facebook. Guess who that was from? I never go on my Facebook so didn’t follow. lol

This is a small town, but I haven’t seen them since that lunch.

 

 

Additional thoughts.

I have no idea about their marriage. He could have been in another restaurant that night with his “date.” They could have an open marriage or arrangement. Also not my business.

 

 

They have kids so I sure don’t want anything to do with them finding out (if they don’t know).

 

 

I’m getting a little perverse pleasure in seeing her squirm. She knows she was caught and has no idea what I’ll do….

I wonder if she’ll tell H (if he doesn’t know)?

 

 

Sofie, your life has settled down. I would say steer clear.

If she continues to bring it up or asks your advice, give her benefit of your experience, and that's all...

[Selfish]

I would encourage her on how to get her life right and do some digging. I would not tell if the affair was over.

[Hobbes' wagon]

Sophie, for what it's worth, I'm disappointed. You had a chance to do the right thing and save the BH from risk of STDs, from living a lie etc., and you took the easy way out. With "friends" like you, he really doesn't need enemies.

 

I hope in the future you'll experience some personal growth and become more determined to do the right thing.

[Sofie2013]

Don't you think she told you because you could relate given that you're a WW also?

 

This seems very holier than thou to feel obligated to tell her husband. You didn't even tell your own husband about your A...he caught you red-handed when you let your AP answer your hotel room phone in the middle of the night, right?

 

You said your friend is scared. It doesn't sound like she was telling you nochalantly or bragging, can you just offer her the support that you would've wanted if you hadn't gotten caught by your H? I confided in a friend about my A, and while she was extremely disappointed, she still helped me get through it, offered tough love, helped me figure out how to find a therapist, etc. I can never thank her enough for being such a strong friend to me when I needed it most, even when she was very personally against my actions.

 

I can relate to her on many levels what she doing right now isn’t that much different from what I did. Is that why she told me I don’t know.

 

Yes you are right I didn’t tell my husband and look how I end up a divorced single mother. A big reason why I feel like owe telling her husband is because I also see him as a friend not the closet of friends. I spend more time with them as a couple then I do just her.

 

I do believe she scared and disappointed in herself. That’s the thing I would never put any of my friends in this kind of situation because I would never want them to have choose. And that’s exactly what my friends making me do and I can’t. I never said I wouldn’t be there for her I will still support her from afar and hope things work out the way still wants. I don’t want to be part of that. I’m glad your friends was there for when you needed her but she did what she felt was right for her that doesn’t make it right for me.