stellamaria Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Please just leave him. Please. It will get worse. You might be thinking now that once is not worth throwing away your relationship for, that maybe you provoked him, he'd had a bad day, he can go to anger management, whatever. It will happen over and over. The sorries will be less until he's not even the tiniest bit remorseful, he'll beat you and then he'll hate you for it. It will break you. He's not a one off, he's the same as any other abuser. Please leave him. You deserve so much better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 the post was february 4th, it's february 6th. you should be long gone by now and never look back. you don't forgive it. you go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Missymay Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I picked up an unsaved number and it was him. He apologised again and shared his feelings. I took the opportunity to ask some questions of my own. At first he felt the situation was my fault for ignoring him and thus that was provoking him and he saw red. In the end he admitted that regardless of the situation violence shouldn't have been his answer he TOOK BLAME!! It's crazy but this gave me so much closure; well I felt better hearing that wasn't going to try to justify his actions. The end decision he agrees that he has done wrong and doesn't deserve to have this relationship back, I'm convinced he is not an abuser but we will not trail that, he understands he has a problem and agrees to talk to a pastor but refuses counselling. We won't be friends or communicate from now but he will give me my money plus my other stuff back and will continue to make payments. I guess all that's left is to ask... How you nurse a badly broken heart and to stay true to your convictions? Cos I'm so worried I'm not strong enough to stay away, this is my first relationship and it baffles me how I still love him after all this? How can I ever let someone else in? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I picked up an unsaved number and it was him. He apologised again and shared his feelings. I took the opportunity to ask some questions of my own. At first he felt the situation was my fault for ignoring him and thus that was provoking him and he saw red. In the end he admitted that regardless of the situation violence shouldn't have been his answer he TOOK BLAME!! It's crazy but this gave me so much closure; well I felt better hearing that wasn't going to try to justify his actions. The end decision he agrees that he has done wrong and doesn't deserve to have this relationship back, I'm convinced he is not an abuser but we will not trail that, he understands he has a problem and agrees to talk to a pastor but refuses counselling. We won't be friends or communicate from now but he will give me my money plus my other stuff back and will continue to make payments. I guess all that's left is to ask... How you nurse a badly broken heart and to stay true to your convictions? Cos I'm so worried I'm not strong enough to stay away, this is my first relationship and it baffles me how I still love him after all this? How can I ever let someone else in? So this means you did leave him? Good on you! You certainly made the right choice. Stay NC. It will be hard but eventually you will heal. Then you can seek a relationship with someone who ISN'T violent and abusive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) I picked up an unsaved number and it was him. He apologised again and shared his feelings. I took the opportunity to ask some questions of my own. At first he felt the situation was my fault for ignoring him and thus that was provoking him and he saw red. In the end he admitted that regardless of the situation violence shouldn't have been his answer he TOOK BLAME!! It's crazy but this gave me so much closure; well I felt better hearing that wasn't going to try to justify his actions. The end decision he agrees that he has done wrong and doesn't deserve to have this relationship back, I'm convinced he is not an abuser but we will not trail that, he understands he has a problem and agrees to talk to a pastor but refuses counselling. We won't be friends or communicate from now but he will give me my money plus my other stuff back and will continue to make payments. I guess all that's left is to ask... How you nurse a badly broken heart and to stay true to your convictions? Cos I'm so worried I'm not strong enough to stay away, this is my first relationship and it baffles me how I still love him after all this? How can I ever let someone else in? Do not go down the road of "he is not really an abuser"," I provoked him" and because he accepted responsibility for his actions, "he is a nice guy really...", and "I love him and love conquers all doesn't it? Er... no. What you have to understand that he did what he did to try and control you. Next time you feel a bit annoyed, you will hold back, next time he does something you hate, you will hold back, next time you have an argument, you will tend to agree with him, next time he asks you to do something for him you do it, whatever it is. All because when YOU provoked him, he hit you, so unconsciously or consciously you will choose the path of least resistance. You will always think, if I do that I will provoke him, so I better not do or say that. By taking him back, you are telling him "It is fine to hit me, I will forgive you and I will not "provoke" you again, I have learned my lesson." Unfortunately, men like this will keep on testing your boundaries and the things that you do to "provoke", will become the things fundamental to your being. i.e going out with your friends, seeing your family, wearing certain clothes, having views on just about anything, going to work, speaking to other people.... etc. etc. Your world will shrink, as he will isolate you. He will probably hit you again, but even if he doesn't, the pattern of control is laid down, the threat is always there. It is a well worn path, many of us here have been on this path, it doesn't end well. Edited February 9, 2015 by elaine567 paragraphs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MelodyRye Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) Stay true to leaving him and don't take him back, no matter how much convincing he seems to be. The truth is he is an abuser. No real men punches a woman in the face like she were a man, esp not someone that cares about you. Plus wow he still had the nerve to explain that he feels it was your fault for ignoring and provoking him??? If you take him back either he'll punch you again and even if he doesn't...you'll forever be walking on eggshells because he already showed that he's capable of hurting women. If you ever consider taking him back, you can explain within yourself how would you feel protected and secured around him when he hurt you, which means he doesn't give a crap about your health and safety = he doesn't care about you at all. Edited February 9, 2015 by MelodyRye Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Cos I'm so worried I'm not strong enough to stay away, this is my first relationship and it baffles me how I still love him after all this? How can I ever let someone else in? Of course you still love him. You have history - and much of it is good, beautiful history. The ugliness doesn't just erase that. So it is ok to love him. It's also ok to say that you deserve someone who can love YOU in the way you need to be loved. Hitting and controlling and rage is not that way. He refused counseling. That tells you everything he needs to know about how truly upset he is about his actions. If I hit someone I loved, I would be getting help so that I could learn to never never do that again. He either doesn't believe he needs help, or he is just telling you what you want to hear and inside he still blames you for his behavior. Either way - you don't need that in your life. If he begs - you say no and insist on counseling. If he says no to counseling, then he has chosen to say no to reconciliation. Period. If he wants you, he will do the work to get you back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 OP the moment he hit you, yes he became an abuser it means there is a level to where he can no longer resolves issues with words. That level can peak again somewhere, sometime, somehow. People who are non abusive never reach that level no matter the situation its just not in their skill set. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I picked up an unsaved number and it was him. He apologised again and shared his feelings. I took the opportunity to ask some questions of my own. At first he felt the situation was my fault for ignoring him and thus that was provoking him and he saw red. In the end he admitted that regardless of the situation violence shouldn't have been his answer he TOOK BLAME!! It's crazy but this gave me so much closure; well I felt better hearing that wasn't going to try to justify his actions. The end decision he agrees that he has done wrong and doesn't deserve to have this relationship back, I'm convinced he is not an abuser but we will not trail that, he understands he has a problem and agrees to talk to a pastor but refuses counselling. We won't be friends or communicate from now but he will give me my money plus my other stuff back and will continue to make payments. I guess all that's left is to ask... How you nurse a badly broken heart and to stay true to your convictions? Cos I'm so worried I'm not strong enough to stay away, this is my first relationship and it baffles me how I still love him after all this? How can I ever let someone else in? Good for you! I'm so glad that you are not going to be seeing him or speaking with him again. I wish more women had the esteem to walk away the first time. He is totally an abuser. Only an abusive person would be capable of punching a woman in the face over finding a stupid set of keys. He has likely abused women before you but even if this was the first time he ever hit a woman, since he has refused counselling he is definitely well on the abuser path. I feel bad for whomever he gets with next. Now that he's broken that boundary and hit a female he will probably be a lot quicker to resort to that behavior again. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 At first he felt the situation was my fault for ignoring him and thus that was provoking him and he saw red. In the end he admitted that regardless of the situation violence shouldn't have been his answer he TOOK BLAME!! He only did that when he saw that you weren't going to let him blame it on you. He said what you wanted to hear. How is he planning to get the money back to you? I hope he's not using it as an excuse to meet up with you. You should stay NC. Have him mail it to you or give it to one of your friends. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 ALL abusers apologize profusely when they know they're losing the battle. And, yes, he is an abuser. He's just a really convincing actor and you're falling for it just like most women do in these situations. Please don't be another statistic. He does not mean anything he says. He's only saying those things in order to get you back. If you go back, his behavior will worsen. If you don't believe this, read up on the dynamics of abusers. They all act the same way, they all try to charm their victims back when they leave. Don't be fooled by his self-effacing words, or by anything else he says or does. He's an angry, violent person deep inside and no matter how sweet you think he really is, that mean, nasty side will always take over. He is completely broken and he will not ever change. Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 I know it seems impossible, but RUN. And don't look back, ever. Block everything that connects you to him. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Once he hits you he's made it clear to you what he is capable of. That action alone instills a fear inside of you that will never ever go away. It will always be there in the back of your head and you will act accordingly without even thinking about it. Be with someone who makes you feel safe. Not afraid. This guy will never make you feel safe again. Trust me. I know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 This guy has laid the groundwork for making you feel afraid. Abusers give gifts and apologies instead of love because they don't know how to love. They know how to hate and they're very, very good at it. This guy hates you. Believe it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissLilly Posted February 23, 2015 Share Posted February 23, 2015 I'm here to say that it never ends in the first punch. NEVER! I fell for this, apologies, sorry babe, crap, whatever... the second wave was much worse. Don't fall in the same trap I fell! Don't believe him! He's sorry yes, he will be sorry the second time, the third, the forth... do you want to live like this? With these memories? Wondering if the next fight you will say something he will get out of his mind again and punch your other eye? Choke you? Throw you against the wall? Don't do this to yourself! believe me, it's easier to get out NOW than after the second punch. I know it. I have been there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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