drama with my father continues

[MissTrudy]

I wrote a lengthy post about my father here so you can get a sense of who he is.

 

But here is a short summary: he didn't raise me (my parents never married), didn't even have a relationship with me, i'd see him maybe once a year growing up if i was "lucky," he never kept his promises, he lived in luxury while my mom worked her butt off to support me, and just generally was not a father.

 

Until I went to college and he realized the earning potential I had and then he decided he needed to be in my life. And he just stepped in as if nothing happened, and acts as if he is responsible for my success. And by "step in" he demanded to see me when I came home over breaks, drive me to college 7 hours away, come to my graduation. He didn't provide any financial support to me or my mom and my mom paid for his room when they picked me up from college and went to my graduation. He is chauvinistic, arrogant, bigoted, cheap, fake.

 

When I started grad school in 2011 I ended my relationship with him. My mom started to develop a backbone and she didn't try pushing a relationship with him on me like she used to when I was young. Now that I am about to graduate he is trying to work his way back into my life. He started sending me text messages over the summer in 2014 (but stopped after about a month or two) and gave me a card on Christmas with $50 thinking he did something, promising my mom a new used car because her's is old, etc. He said that he was going to my graduation a while back...didn't ask, just said he was coming, and I immediately told my mom that HE CANNOT come under any circumstances. He ruined my undergraduate graduation with his presence, and also made my high school graduation unpleasant. He came there dressed super casually and he tried to make it all about him. He is too much drama for me and he's basically a stranger to me anyway.

 

Well I'm starting to make plans for graduation and that involves getting my mom to come out. My aunt and uncle want to come out too. Tonight while talking to my mom, she tells me that she has invited my dad. I am speechless and just pissed. I asked her why and she says, "because I wanted too." I tell her I don't want him there and I hang up the phone. I don't even know what to say to her about this. I don't know why she wants him there, and I don't understand why she can't see how much his presence will hurt me. I am now considering not even going to the graduation ceremony just because I don't want him there. The ceremony is meaningful to me on one hand because i'm the first person in my family to get a PhD and I am getting it from one of the top institutions in the world, but at the same time the only reason I was going to go to the ceremony is because my mom, uncle, and aunt want to see me walk across the stage. Under no circumstances do I want him there though, or him in my life even. My mom has always had low self-esteem and he can be a charismatic jerk and I think he has ingratiated himself with her again. I don't want to estrange myself from my mom or the rest of my family (who will side with her just because she's the adult and one needs to honor thy mother...even if they don't agree with her or like him) but I DONT want him in my life and I am sick and tired of him using her to get into my life.

 

I am just really upset about all of this and don't know what to do. I feel like they've all put me in an awkward position and I blame it on him, because he does things (like offers her a car that he knows she needs, and everyone in my family wants her to take) and then I have to act a certain way to please him so that they can get what they want. Help?

 

I was going to write him a letter before and I never did it, but maybe now is the time to just tell him flat-out that I don't want him in my life and to stop using my mother to try and get at me? because i feel like now he's hurting my relationship with her.

[whichwayisup]

So he manipulated and guilted your mom and she caved and invited him. It sucks and I'm sorry. But, do NOT let him ruin this day for you, don't give him that control over you. This is your special day and as shi.tty as it is that he probably will be there, rise above it. For your mom's sake. Deal with her another time, no point in fighting about it now, what's done is done.

 

A suggestion, maybe call him and tell him that he is NOT welcome and that he is only there because mom invited him without discussing it with you. Tell him to keep quiet throughout the ceremony and not to speak to you. Maybe, just maybe he'll respect you and how angry you are and stay away.

[CC12]

Of course you can't skip your own graduation because he might be there. Don't deprive yourself or your family of celebrating your accomplishments.

 

It's sad that he tries to make these things about himself, but you can't let him do that. It seems like you let that happen at your previous graduations - you said he ruined one and made the other unpleasant. You let it be about him. This time, you have to try try try to not give a **** that he's there. Let this be about you. You worked hard for it and you earned it. And no one can force you to have any sort of meaningful interaction with him. You should be pleasant to him and nothing more, because any other reaction would take away from your moment. You can worry about him another day.

 

You can't control whether or not he attends. You can't control who your family invites to things. You only control your own behavior. I suggest that you have lots of other social plans for that day (or however long your father will be there.) When you see him, quickly say hello and "Thanks for coming, but I have to go say hi to some friends. See you later." Whenever he's around, just say that you have plans to be somewhere else.

 

I don't know why she wants him there, and I don't understand why she can't see how much his presence will hurt me.

 

Have you said this to her? "His presence there will hurt me." She might not know this. She might just think it's really nice that he's trying to spend time with his daughter. She might not be considering that it would be a bad thing for you. So tell her. And tell her that if he's around, you're going to make yourself scarce. This isn't an ultimatum, it's not a threat, it's not to manipulate her. It's just you choosing who you do and do not want to be around, and you're completely allowed to do that. You're an adult and you can make these decisions for yourself.

[MissTrudy]

Have you said this to her? "His presence there will hurt me." She might not know this. She might just think it's really nice that he's trying to spend time with his daughter. She might not be considering that it would be a bad thing for you. So tell her. And tell her that if he's around, you're going to make yourself scarce. This isn't an ultimatum, it's not a threat, it's not to manipulate her. It's just you choosing who you do and do not want to be around, and you're completely allowed to do that. You're an adult and you can make these decisions for yourself.

 

Yes. I've said this almost every time she ever wanted me to interact with him, from the time I was 12 until today when I am 26. Hell, I even made an art project about it in High School that she saw because it was part of my senior art exhibition (which he wasn't invited to and didn't attend, thank god).

 

When I was in high school and college I think she wanted me to "grow up" and reconcile. The thing is I have nothing to reconcile because I don't know the man and I have no interest in getting to know him, and I don't want to pretend like I am interested in getting to know him or acting like we are chummy. She knows this. She definitely had feelings for him even when I was in college and I think that's part of it. She was sort of blind to my feelings because of her own feelings and self-esteem issues when I was growing up. Then she started dating someone else and while they were together she paid my father no attention, and that's when they stopped talking too (and I was no longer being pestered by him...golden days)! But she broke up with that guy and out of the blue my father contacted us over the summer about some car he had for her, probably because of this nosey coworker. He can be kind of charming and my mom falls for it every. single. time.

 

I just sent her a pretty clear but short text that spells out exactly why I can't have him in my life, and how she needs to respect my wishes, because if she can't I can't have a relationship with her. I was on anti-depressants and in therapy a few years ago partly because I was trying to make sense of my feelings towards him, and I actually don't know if I ever told my mom about it (I think she knew I was in therapy, but not about the meds, and I don't think I ever told her it was partly because of him).

 

I know the message I sent her is going to make her upset, but I feel so good after sending it. Those things needed to be said.

 

I've done so much personal growth these past few years without him in my life and I feel like all of that is being lost very rapidly. I am an adult now and I get to say who I want to interact with and who I don't want to interact with; I've always been an obedient daughter but I have a backbone and I refuse to let them try to control me, especially because I am completely self-reliant. It would be different if I needed either of them financially but I don't. Honestly, and I know this sounds horrible, and I actually feel horrible for saying this because there are people who love him, the best thing that could happen for me is if he were to die because then I wouldn't have to worry about him trying to enter my life. I've felt this way for many years, now. It's that bad.

Edited February 5, 2015 by MissTrudy

[CC12]

I just sent her a pretty clear but short text that spells out exactly why I can't have him in my life, and how she needs to respect my wishes, because if she can't I can't have a relationship with her.

 

I'm glad that you asserted some boundaries. I know you're really upset about all this, and with very good reason, but I think you took it a little too far by telling your mother you can't have a relationship with her if he's around. Your mother's choices are baffling and frankly, pretty stupid (sorry.) But if you otherwise have a good relationship with her, don't end it all over this.

 

Like I mentioned before, you can't control what other people do, even if they're making dumb decisions. What you can control is the amount of time you spend around him. If he's there, then you're not. Simple. You have other places to be, even if that place is sitting in your car at a city park killing time until he leaves. It doesn't have to ruin your relationship with your mom. It can resume as normal once he's gone.

 

We all say things we don't mean when we're upset. I'd like to think that you didn't really mean it when you gave your mom that ultimatum. This is assuming that you have a good relationship outside of this - if she's been horrible all around and you've been considering cutting your mom out of your life for many other reasons, I guess this would be a decent nail in that coffin.

 

This all sucks really badly, and I hope it gets resolved soon. Let us know how it goes, okay?

[MissTrudy]

I think everything is fine now. The message I sent to my mom worked; I guess it finally sunk in that I was serious about not wanting him in my life and she called me to apologize, say that he's not coming, and that she'll never mention him around me ever again. I don't know if she has told him yet but I'm not really thinking about that, and if he gets mad and lashes out at her or me I will write him a letter explaining my feelings. I feel SO much better after talking to my mom and don't really want to devote more energy to him, but I might write the letter now just in case I do hear from him, that way all I have to do is pop it in the mail and not expend anymore emotion.

 

I don't think I could ever cut my mom out of my life. I love her too much and she has made too many sacrifices for me. If I cut her out I'd cut out my entire family, too. But I was caught up in the moment and I also know that if I played hard ball with her it would be a wake up call so she knew how serious I felt about this issue. After she apologized she scolded me about my cutting contact threat, and I apologized for saying it (because I didn't mean it). So we are all good.

 

Thank you all for the support. I'll let you know if anything else happens. Hopefully this is the end of it.

[Radu]

I don't think you will ever be rid of this guy unless ppl start seeing him for the jerk that he is.

He relies on ppl seeing him well.

 

I would try and destroy that.

Because he will return.

 

Unfortunately i've known guys like him ... mostly older men who try to be 'leader of their clan'.

Maybe this will help you ... if you had come out like your mother [with her self-esteem] he would of had the power to even dictate who you could marry and what you could do.

And the reason he is interested in you right now ... is because it brings value to him and because you might end up becoming an asset of his.