He doesn't feel the same anymore

[Mrslost]

Hi everyone.

 

This is so strange for me and I've never written on a forum before but I guess sometimes you just need to get stuff out loud.

 

I'm almost 27 and my husband is 28, we've been together for 8 years & married for 5 - we have no children. We have our own home and for the most part are happily married.

 

Last night my husband calmly told me he doesn't feel the same about more and he wants to seperate and move out. Initially everyone's reaction would be 'there's someone else' but I genuinely think there isn't in this case. He's not secretive, doesn't go out or disappear. At christmas he spoilt me rotten, saying he wanted to show me how much he loved me and we had such a lovely time. Over this last weekend we had been rowing all weekend because he wanted to go back to a job he left 3 months ago and I didnt react well because that job caused a lot of problems in our marriage, he worked 70 hours a week late nights and weekends because of the industry and the job he left for has finally given him a work life balance and a life with me. I got very upset and he agreed not to go back but was off since then. Monday night we had a nice relaxing night in, snuggled up watching TV. Tuesday night I came home from work and he was cooking dinner naked in an apron messing about, we had a laugh, went to the cinema and had great sex. Our sex life is great and even after all these years that side hasn't disappeared. He's caring and loving and we're a loving couple. A few weeks ago I made a decision to move away from an internal promotion I had because it was making me unhappy and he supported my decision - i regret not supporting his.

 

I'm very confused, I feel as though not supporting him in his job decison has lead to anger simmering and lead to him walking away. If he hadn't been so loving recently or had sex just the night before, I may have felt it's easier to accept that he had drifted away or really has fell out of love but getting my head around it all when we had felt so good is very odd.

 

I asked if he wanted a couple of weeks space to think and reevaluate and he said he doesn't have anything to reevaluate as he knows this is how he feels. He then spoke about next steps (he will leave me in the home and will rent elsewhere) and asked me to tell family etc last night, I wanted to wait til the weekend but he was so set on his decision I had to go and tell my parents last night who were equally concerned.

 

I think he is confused about my reaction as I have had no tears and been oddly calm (I think I am in denial!!) I know the horrendous emotions will hit as he starts to move forward with the seperation.

 

He moved himself onto the sofa to sleep last night and was cival towards me, in a way it felt like nothing had happened and we talked like normal.

 

I asked him if he could explain why he didn't feel that way, was it the argument at the weekend that triggered it and at first he said 'I dont know' but then said he had been feeling this way for a couple of weeks. I asked if he knew what way he felt he said he didn't know he just knew he didn't have those 'feelings' towards me anymore. I can't get my head round how the night before he was laughing and joking with me, initiated sex and took me to the movies.

 

I don't want to hold onto any hope as I know him inside out and him being adamant I told people means he is serious. I'd love to hear from people who hve been through this or experienced something similar.

[whichwayisup]

at first he said 'I dont know' but then said he had been feeling this way for a couple of weeks. I asked if he knew what way he felt he said he didn't know he just knew he didn't have those 'feelings' towards me anymore. I can't get my head round how the night before he was laughing and joking with me, initiated sex and took me to the movies.

 

So he wants to bail as soon as things aren't so cozy and rosy? Move out and separate without talking this out, without going to marriage counseling, without trying to figure out what it is that he may or may not be feeling?

 

There are times I really don't like my husband but that love is still there. He just can annoy the heck out of me and for a day or two he puts me off but all goes back to normal soon enough. Maybe your husband is holding in anger (about the job and now not taking it because you don't want him to) and that's why he said what he did. He let resentments build up.

 

Don't give up. Most don't just walk away without trying. Talk to him, suggest marriage counseling and for you both to give it your best before throwing in the towel.

[Mrslost]

Thank you for your reply. I definetly think he is angry, although that didn't come across at all yesterday he was calm, however he has only been different since our row at the weekend over the job. I understand why he must be angry but at the time my reaction was out of shock that he wanted to go back to the job that made him so unhappy at the time and left us so little life together he used to get so depressed about it I freaked out at the idea of him going back to that life as it was so tough- he said he misses the buzz and I know he's not seeing things clearly from how he felt when he worked there. His first probabtion review in his new job is saturday and feel this may also impact him. I tried to reason and said does he need space I could go to my parents so he can clear his head for a couple of weeks but he categorically said no and that his mind is made up and won't be changing it. I feel that making me tell my parents the same night was his way of punishing me for his anger (which he's never expressed out loud) I know him inside out and know he is running away. Even if it's true and he really doesn't have feelings for me anymore it's 1. He's a bloody good actor!!!! 2. As he said it's been 'for a few weeks' I genuielly feel offended that he thinks that's long enough to throw away 8 years of our life. I don't know what next steps to make now, I feel like he's just going to rent a house and move out but asking him to stay will definetley just anger him. We had a temporary seperation in June last year - he was extremely low in his job and all we did was row, in the heat of the moment in an argument he said he couldn't do this anymore and I moved to my mums for 2 weeks. We argued and cried and eventually I just left him be and didn't contact him, in that spce of time he went out and bought an expensive fast car to spite me! after 3 weeks and a week of not communicating he asked me to meet and we had days of hearts to hearts on what wasn't workinh and how we needed to change things as I guess we never had as we got older our lives changed but we didn't. After that we moved forward and since then have never been better. Always romance, weekends away healthy sex life etc so this has come totally out of blue. I feel like if I react any way other then the calm and cooperating way I have, it will just push him to make another rash decision. I actually can't believe I am going through this. Sat at work unable to concentrate !

[Sladdly]

I cant give any advice because I am going through such a similar thing. Seemed everything was OK then blam... my wife decided she wants to be alone and separate because she wasnt happy. After the past month talking heart to heart we have realized it has to do with her issues of anger, problematic childhood and depression and she doesnt know how to be fully happy with herself or anyone else. She will be seeking counseling. Its extremely hard on me because I feel very strong and I have my stuff together and I know I would be able to work on the marriage to make it better. She said she just doesnt have the energy to fix anything but herself.

 

 

I hope you can heal OK from this, too. Mine is still fresh.. a little over a month... and some days I am OK and some days I am horrible not able to sleep or eat much. Worst part is we still get along amazingly. so its just kind of like.. what the heck? I maybe think he is going through the same thing... some personal resentment or issues? Just stay strong and keep talking to everyone. I posted my first time today too and its new for me to do this forum thing but it has already helped!!!!!! Take this time to figure out what you are made of and what you truly want in life. Time reveals all... I am just now waking up to myself and figuring this out.

[Mrslost]

I cant give any advice because I am going through such a similar thing. Seemed everything was OK then blam... my wife decided she wants to be alone and separate because she wasnt happy. After the past month talking heart to heart we have realized it has to do with her issues of anger, problematic childhood and depression and she doesnt know how to be fully happy with herself or anyone else. She will be seeking counseling. Its extremely hard on me because I feel very strong and I have my stuff together and I know I would be able to work on the marriage to make it better. She said she just doesnt have the energy to fix anything but herself.

 

 

I hope you can heal OK from this, too. Mine is still fresh.. a little over a month... and some days I am OK and some days I am horrible not able to sleep or eat much. Worst part is we still get along amazingly. so its just kind of like.. what the heck? I maybe think he is going through the same thing... some personal resentment or issues? Just stay strong and keep talking to everyone. I posted my first time today too and its new for me to do this forum thing but it has already helped!!!!!! Take this time to figure out what you are made of and what you truly want in life. Time reveals all... I am just now waking up to myself and figuring this out.

 

Hi Sladdy,

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're also going through something similar and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It sounds like your wife has acknowledged her issues which is step 1 and perhaps with time and support, she will start to heal and you can either work together on it or be content that you've both got answers to move on.

 

I definetley feel there is resentment although he has not expressed that yet. I'm on the fence whether to go home and pack my bags and go to stay at my parents for space, I figured that will give me time to heal and give him time to look for somewhere to live if that's what he is so set on. As his decision was so out of the blue and doesn't really make sense, I would think he's probably feeling quite confused himself. I have no doubt that he is done and will walk away which is so sad after 8 years, a brilliant marriage and like you, an amazing friendship. We spend all our time laughing and friends often express envy at our sheer closeness to each other. I actually think that's what I'll miss the most. If I've had a bad day at work id come home and he'd have run a bath with a glass of wine for me, or laugh with me when I've done something stupid or support me through the hard times. Perhaps I only have myself to blame not supporting him when he said he wanted to go back to his old job. Although to be honest I feel like giving up after 8 years with no conversation, no closure is pretty cowardly. I'd like to keep talking if you want to as all my friends are married with children although my family have been supportive, if you haven't been through it it's hard to relate.

[Sladdly]

Hi Sladdy,

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're also going through something similar and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. It sounds like your wife has acknowledged her issues which is step 1 and perhaps with time and support, she will start to heal and you can either work together on it or be content that you've both got answers to move on.

 

I definetley feel there is resentment although he has not expressed that yet. I'm on the fence whether to go home and pack my bags and go to stay at my parents for space, I figured that will give me time to heal and give him time to look for somewhere to live if that's what he is so set on. As his decision was so out of the blue and doesn't really make sense, I would think he's probably feeling quite confused himself. I have no doubt that he is done and will walk away which is so sad after 8 years, a brilliant marriage and like you, an amazing friendship. We spend all our time laughing and friends often express envy at our sheer closeness to each other. I actually think that's what I'll miss the most. If I've had a bad day at work id come home and he'd have run a bath with a glass of wine for me, or laugh with me when I've done something stupid or support me through the hard times. Perhaps I only have myself to blame not supporting him when he said he wanted to go back to his old job. Although to be honest I feel like giving up after 8 years with no conversation, no closure is pretty cowardly. I'd like to keep talking if you want to as all my friends are married with children although my family have been supportive, if you haven't been through it it's hard to relate.

 

 

Wow, once again our situation is so so similar! All our friends were envious too. In fact, one of her friends that is European also married an American like her and I did and she is MISERABLE in her marriage and yet she has stayed with him and they are trying to work on it. She was completely dumbfounded when she heard about this because she was like "if you guys are getting separated and it wasnt anything bad... what am I still doing here in my marriage?"... which is sad in itself. My wife packed up and went to her friends and has been there for the month. We have remained in contact for the past month but starting today decided to start giving the space even with text and stuff. I think maybe you should try it. I am stuck here in our apartment looking at all her stuff daily until I move to my own place in 3 weeks. Its like a little torture chamber of memories!! Its hard to move on and forward being surrounded by all of this. I think you giving space to it can also be good just like my situation. You cant beat a dead horse.. and since you get along so well and have that bond.. the romantic side and marriage side can come back someday IF you dont keep kicking it while its down. At least, this is what I am feeling like with my marriage. She says we need to "treat this separation as a final thing so that way I can fully be able to focus on myself and heal and become happy with myself first and foremost"... so thats really what it boils down to. I think maybe you both also have some self-exploration time needed. Take a deep breath and step back and let him figure it out too. Its so hard to deal with all of this but just like you, I miss our friendship and bond more than anything! She came over a few days ago to just hang and chat when grabbing some things she needed (first time seeing her in 3 weeks) and we got along so good. No relationship talk... just hang and all. But, she still doesnt want anything to do with our marriage and is totally destroyed. She cant work.. she is crying all the time... which is weird because I am not doing that (anymore) and she made this decision. Which further proves it isnt the marriage but something with herself. That could be what your situation is too.. something with himself. Dont blame yourself for anything unless it truly is something that made huge fault in the marriage. From what I read it sounds just like my thing going on. Space and time is all we can rely on at this point besides ourselves.

[oldshirt]

Some points in no particular order -

 

 

- take this seriously and protect yourself legally and financially. This is a legal issue and financial issue as well as a relationship issue. Get a lawyer (I think you call them solicitors on your side of the pond) ASAP and protect your assets so he doesn't cleat out all the bank accounts and sell the house out from under you.

 

 

- men can have great sex with women they have no connection to or even like, so don't use sex a barometer to measure your relationship's health.

 

 

- don't write off the possibility of there being someone else without doing a sincere effort of looking for evidence (ie going through computer, emails, phone records, facebook etc. )

 

 

- If these fights you are talking about were really nasty, especially if you were very disrespectful and were lashing out at him personally (name calling, saying he is weak or dumb or incompetent or lazy etc) that may have damaged his feelings for you.

 

 

- he may also feel that you have lost your love and respect and affections for him and he is just preemptively leaving the relationship on his own terms instead of waiting for you to dump him.

 

 

- men assign a lot of their self worth on their job and their woman. If he thinks you don't respect and support his career, then you don't support and respect him. If he doesn't feel that you respect and support him, he may question why to remain married.

 

 

- People change A LOT from their late teens to their late 20s. You two may have just grown apart and are headed in two different directions. People can make a good argument against people getting married at all until they are your age. You two have already been together essentially your entire adult lives.

[oldshirt]

.... and one more thing, people can get almost a form of PTSD if they have some severe conflict and are faced with the possibility of losing something very dear to them.

 

 

If these fights you were having over his job were unusually severe and you were particularly viscious and personal against him, he may be having some kind of response to that.

 

 

If the foundations of the marriage were good, you/he may be able to recover and move on from that, but it may take some professional counseling and some time to heal and recover.

 

 

Either way, I recommend getting into some professional marriage counseling to peel back the layers and see what's going on. This may be something treatable and something that can heal and get past.

[jackslife]

Have you thought about going to Relate with him?

 

It isn't a fix all, but if he is unhappy about something in the marriage it may be solvable rather than a divorce issue. Just talking things through with a third party can help. If he has made his mind up then there isn't much you can do. But if something has upset him you may be able to work through it.

[KBarletta]

I asked him if he could explain why he didn't feel that way, was it the argument at the weekend that triggered it and at first he said 'I don't know' but then said he had been feeling this way for a couple of weeks. I asked if he knew what way he felt he said he didn't know he just knew he didn't have those 'feelings' towards me anymore.

 

A couple of weeks?? And he's decided based on that that it's over?

 

That's very odd to me. If someone told you they were getting married to someone they knew for a "couple weeks" you'd be very suspicious, no? As you should be of someone telling you that - based on how they felt for a couple weeks - they want to end things.

 

You've been together approximately as long as my wife and I were when I got a similar speech. The only difference is she said she'd been feeling this way for at least six months (without telling me of course).

 

If the relationship to you is worth saving (and it sounds as if it is), I would suggest counseling for both of you individually and as a couple. Is that something you've ever tried?

[Mrslost]

Update: I got home from work tonight and he was at home and still very calm and cival. He said he has been and told his parents today who were sad but understand why he is leaving (so he said). I asked for more of a conversation about why we were separating as I felt I would need it for closure. He sat down and had a heart to heart with me, said he had felt this way for more than a couple of weeks and the reason he had been so loving is he was trying to make it work. He said my anxiety has pushed him too far and there is no point of return. I acknowledged the truth that when my anxiety is really bad, I'm difficult to be around as I get irritable and ruin evenings/weekends with my excessive worrying. I actually finally plucked up the courage to see a doctor about my anxiety around a month ago (I was sick of it impacting my life) and was diagnosed with General anxiety disorder at a severe level and referred for therapy. I felt relieved as I've always felt anxiety is silly and ridiculous but my doctor made me realise that it's not and its a real issue. Ironically I got a call this evening advising me I was top of the waiting list and would be starting my therapy to learn coping mechanisms in a couple of weeks. My husband has made it clear its too late for us and he has nothing to work on but I'm glad im getting the therapy to learn to cope for myself in the future. After we had that chat he said he was hungry and I went out and got chinese takeout and came back. He made some jokes like he normally would and put on breaking bad and we just sat and watched it like any normal evening. He said earlier on he has a friend who will rent him the spare room, he didn't say when he was moving out but mentioned next week. I fell to sleep on the sofa watching breaking bad so he woke me and said to go to bed and that was it. I know it's ridiculous and I should get a bag and go stay at my parents so I am not hanging on to this false life, and not watch him move out but some crazy part of me can't do that, it's like I am hanging on to the last bit of normality before my life changes forever, I'm hanging on to my final moments with him. I don't know what to do for the best because it feels like we had a really honest talk and I can't work out whether moving out for a few weeks would give him some space, although he hasn't said anything anout it. I guess ridiculously I'm scared that if I go he will just move out right away, but if I stay he won't even miss me and will just go. I'm so confused. To his face I am calm, rationale and friendly but inside I am broken.

[LoveMyCat]

Update: I got home from work tonight and he was at home and still very calm and cival. He said he has been and told his parents today who were sad but understand why he is leaving (so he said). I asked for more of a conversation about why we were separating as I felt I would need it for closure. He sat down and had a heart to heart with me, said he had felt this way for more than a couple of weeks and the reason he had been so loving is he was trying to make it work. He said my anxiety has pushed him too far and there is no point of return. I acknowledged the truth that when my anxiety is really bad, I'm difficult to be around as I get irritable and ruin evenings/weekends with my excessive worrying. I actually finally plucked up the courage to see a doctor about my anxiety around a month ago (I was sick of it impacting my life) and was diagnosed with General anxiety disorder at a severe level and referred for therapy. I felt relieved as I've always felt anxiety is silly and ridiculous but my doctor made me realise that it's not and its a real issue. Ironically I got a call this evening advising me I was top of the waiting list and would be starting my therapy to learn coping mechanisms in a couple of weeks. My husband has made it clear its too late for us and he has nothing to work on but I'm glad im getting the therapy to learn to cope for myself in the future. After we had that chat he said he was hungry and I went out and got chinese takeout and came back. He made some jokes like he normally would and put on breaking bad and we just sat and watched it like any normal evening. He said earlier on he has a friend who will rent him the spare room, he didn't say when he was moving out but mentioned next week. I fell to sleep on the sofa watching breaking bad so he woke me and said to go to bed and that was it. I know it's ridiculous and I should get a bag and go stay at my parents so I am not hanging on to this false life, and not watch him move out but some crazy part of me can't do that, it's like I am hanging on to the last bit of normality before my life changes forever, I'm hanging on to my final moments with him. I don't know what to do for the best because it feels like we had a really honest talk and I can't work out whether moving out for a few weeks would give him some space, although he hasn't said anything anout it. I guess ridiculously I'm scared that if I go he will just move out right away, but if I stay he won't even miss me and will just go. I'm so confused. To his face I am calm, rationale and friendly but inside I am broken.

 

It won't help you to be together several more weeks until he leaves. You probably know that already. He may continue to be pleasant, even want sex, etc. but he probably won't change his mind. It really depends if you want to "play house" for a bit longer. But you will only be hurting yourself, when you could begin healing a bit sooner. It is going to be a long process, either way.

[KBarletta]

I guess ridiculously I'm scared that if I go he will just move out right away, but if I stay he won't even miss me and will just go. I'm so confused. To his face I am calm, rationale and friendly but inside I am broken.

 

I'm so sorry, Mrs. L. I can completely relate, though I know that doesn't ease your pain. But know that many of us on here have been there are are here to help you. Please take care of yourself, your health, get out of the house, eat well, drink lots of water, exercise, try to get enough sleep. I know these are hard things to think about right now, but if you don't do them, you will only make yourself feel even worse.

 

Also, I would advise you, as hard as it is, to stay in the house for now. Voluntarily leaving the family home can put you in a vulnerable position legally. That said, I would consult an attorney at your earliest convenience to determine your next step. You have no children, which will make things less contentious and stressful.

 

Your husband is determined to go right now, so your best move is to let him go and initiate no contact with him for a good long time so you can heal and he can come to terms with his choice.

 

It's good that you are getting therapy for your anxiety. That is a step toward making yourself a stronger person. Try to look at this time as a gift to turn your life around.

 

I wish you luck. Please keep posting.

[Be_Strong]

Wow, I know how hard it can be when you think everything is going good in your marriage and then, bam, it's instantly unraveled. I think your husband is very bad at communicating with you and appears to have a passive-aggressive nature where he sets up secret tests for you and when you don't pass his tests he builds up resentment for you. Trust me, I'm talking from experience because that was me for most of my marriage.

 

He lied when he told you that his recent efforts to be loving to you were him trying to make it work. What he was really doing was trying to get you to change. For example, maybe for years he has felt that you're not affectionate enough to him, or you don't show enough respect or support for him, or that you don't initiate sex enough, or any number of other things. So, instead of just having a straight up conversation with you where he expresses his feelings, he instead decides to spoil you and give you an awesome Christmas and be super loving towards you. But he has an ulterior motive for doing it. And when the payoff doesn't arrive after he puts out all that effort, he harbors extreme resentment and anger and bitterness towards you. So he sets up another scenario where he does something really nice and loving for you--and again you fail to respond in the way he wanted. So the resentment builds even more.

 

It's a vicious cycle that you have no idea is even taking place. But the whole time his resentment and frustration is building more and more until he finally can't take it anymore and gives up--before you ever knew there was even a problem.

 

A person like your husband has learned to communicate what they want by giving that same thing to their partner. So, for example, if he feels like he wants you to support him more, he'll show a lot of support for you. If he wants more affection from you, he'll show you more affection. If he wants you to give him gifts, he'll give you a lot of gifts. The problem is that you'll confuse all of these actions as your husband being super loving and content with you, when in reality he is falling further and further away from you.

 

This sounds kind of harsh but I think your husband is having a feel-sorry-for-himself parade and is finally lashing out--albeit in a very passive aggressive manner. He is still acting out of a motivation to get something out of you but still can't articulate to you what that is. I can tell you for certain though that your calm, emotionless reaction to him is th last thing he wants. He probably feels that you don't care enough or love him enough and your cold demeanor to his news that he's leaving simply reinforces in his mind that you don't truly love him. When he tells you that he questions his feelings for you, what he really means is he is questioning your feelings toward him.

 

He probably imagined in his mind telling you he was gong to leave, and that you'd cry and beg him not to go and that you love him and will do anything to make him happy. When the conversation didn't go down like that at all, he had nothing left to do but follow through on leaving.

[justaplottwist]

This was my story, too. And bestrong may have it right. He does sound passive aggressive.

 

My stbxh did all the nice things too right before he said he wanted out. Never talked with me. Never said he wasn't happy. He just was putting me through his "secret tests"....and I obviously didn't pass.

 

And the posters are right with saying that if he is now "acting like all is normal" while he still knows he is going to leave, it is in your best interest mentally and emotionally not to partake in that. It's hard to do because it is confusing that someone would want to leave...and yet act all is well.

 

My stbxh did the same thing for about two months. It was horrible. I thought he was not sure about going. But he was. And so I had to demand he leave for my own sanity.

 

And if you feel like he didn't communicate his unhappiness...or was passive aggressive in his actions....then be prepared for doing a majority of the legwork of a divorce. It seems to be a theme with passive aggressive people.

 

I'm sorry for your confusion and pain. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Many people have been in your shoes and you aren't alone.....

[Mrslost]

Thank you for your kind words everyone. Even knowing I'm not going through this alone means a lot. I am sat awake at 2.12 am wishing things could be different. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness that someone I have known and loved since I was a teenager will suddenly no longer be a part of my life. When you had imagined starting a family together and always having them to turn to its just scary thinking about moving on without him. I'm sad for the loss of our lovely routines such as pj and trashy food night on a Thursday as all our funny programmes are on TV, the random spontaneous weekends away where we discover new places and new things together and even little things like knowing no matter how bad my day at work was, I have him to come home to and cuddle. I know that one day this pain will grow less and less but right now I can't picture it. I feel like he will move out, have his clean break and it will be a chapter in his life closed - it's so hard to imagine that he won't miss me or us and is fine moving on with his life. I made it clear tonight that 'it's not what I want, but I respect your decision' because I guess there's nothing else I can say. Crying and begging won't change anything other than frustrate him. A anger inside me keeps saying he should have said it was getting this bad, we could have taken a break and given time to work on the issues to see if there was something worth saving, especially as the foundations are good, but that's all hindsight and I know that. It's weird but I can't cry, I just feel numb, dreading the day I come home and his stuff is gone and key through the letterbox. He has a week off work next week so I'm presuming he will make arrangements for then, and yes I think I will have to go stay at my parents as watching him pack and go feels like the worst thing I could imagine seeing. I'm going to go to relate (relationship counselling) by myself down the line. I think I'll always be waiting for some closure that won't come as its over such short timescAles, not for him clearly but for me I'll have lost my husband and my future in less than a week. I know I must start grieving but how do I get out of this denial stage?

[LoveMyCat]

Thank you for your kind words everyone. Even knowing I'm not going through this alone means a lot. I am sat awake at 2.12 am wishing things could be different. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness that someone I have known and loved since I was a teenager will suddenly no longer be a part of my life. When you had imagined starting a family together and always having them to turn to its just scary thinking about moving on without him. I'm sad for the loss of our lovely routines such as pj and trashy food night on a Thursday as all our funny programmes are on TV, the random spontaneous weekends away where we discover new places and new things together and even little things like knowing no matter how bad my day at work was, I have him to come home to and cuddle. I know that one day this pain will grow less and less but right now I can't picture it. I feel like he will move out, have his clean break and it will be a chapter in his life closed - it's so hard to imagine that he won't miss me or us and is fine moving on with his life. I made it clear tonight that 'it's not what I want, but I respect your decision' because I guess there's nothing else I can say. Crying and begging won't change anything other than frustrate him. A anger inside me keeps saying he should have said it was getting this bad, we could have taken a break and given time to work on the issues to see if there was something worth saving, especially as the foundations are good, but that's all hindsight and I know that. It's weird but I can't cry, I just feel numb, dreading the day I come home and his stuff is gone and key through the letterbox. He has a week off work next week so I'm presuming he will make arrangements for then, and yes I think I will have to go stay at my parents as watching him pack and go feels like the worst thing I could imagine seeing. I'm going to go to relate (relationship counselling) by myself down the line. I think I'll always be waiting for some closure that won't come as its over such short timescAles, not for him clearly but for me I'll have lost my husband and my future in less than a week. I know I must start grieving but how do I get out of this denial stage?

 

Once a partner has vocalized their intent to leave, there is very little you can do to change their mind. Accepting it is the only option. He may not be telling you the whole truth about the "why"...I doubt many people do. But whatever his reason, he plans to move on. You have to get yourself ready to do the same. While it will be a painful and emotional time, it is really no good being with someone if they want to be elsewhere.

[Mrslost]

Thank you for everyone's kind replies. So tonight I got home from work and had written him a letter explaining what had gone wrong, it was clear that it was not asking for something to change but to merely give us some truth before we go our seperate ways. Before I could hand it to him he told me he had been offered his old job back and had accepted it and was handing his notice in at his new job tomorrow. This old job nearly broke him and us because the hours were so high and unsociable, and it's clear his decision to go back is not only to make it clear were over but also clearly doesn't remember how depressed he was in the years he worked there. It's clear that he had no thought over us by making the decision to go back. He also told me that he was definetley moving out as it was for the best and both of us needed time to move on and heal as people. He cried and said he was hard but he was doing it for he right reasons and that he would move next week. I suprised myself enormously by asking him to move out tonight, saying it wasn't healthy to stay in the house together when this was his decision. He agreed he would take some stuff tonight to the spare room he's borrowing off a friend and then he would come back over the weekend for the rest. We sat for another 5 mins, he hugged me crying and walked out the door. Even though he's gone, I've gone to my parents for the night, simply unable to cope with the pain and grief. One minute I feel oddly calm and the next I am inconrollable with pain and emotions, sobbing one the 8 years of my life that's gone within 48 hours and the thought of my best friend, my husband, not being in my future anymore. He said who knows that the future holds but right now he knows it's for the best, and that although its hard that's why he is leaving. The worst part is I can't hate him for it because right now I can see why he's got to this point, I just guess I had my head in the sand and ignored the deeper issues whilst papering over the cracks and he just couldn't do it anymore. I know people say it gets better, life gets easier, you move on, but right now I can't see anything except the sheer pain of him not being my husband anymore. I'm broken beyond repair right now.

Edited February 6, 2015 by Mrslost
Submitted before finishing

[beach]

Check to see if he is communicating with someone else.

 

And hurry up before he moves and you don't have easy access to his phone and computer!

[oldshirt]

Something is fishy and not adding up here. Theres more to this....

 

 

 

But irregardless, you need a lawyer and you need a plan to protect yourself and your assets and your property rights.

 

Regardless if he's a crackpot or a cheater or a bad guy or you are not telling us a whole lot about what's really going on with you two, you need to protect yourself so he doesn't walk out with everything.