Tamed Wildflower Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 I wasn't sure where to put this post-- under Separation and Divorce, or Marriage, or Parenting, or The Other Man/Woman. Question for women who are stepmothers-- how is your relationship with your stepchildren's mother? Do you have disagreements over parenting? Does she use the children to find reasons to treat you resentfully? Does she resent your presence in their life? How do you handle conflict? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 My experience with my stepdaughter was awful. With her father as well. The little girl's mother died in a car accident so I don't know about what you're asking me. If interested further in my case, I can post more info or PM you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 When I was a stepmom, the kids' mother HATED me. Which was stupid, because I had nothing to do with their breakup; I met him after he was divorced. However, she was a hateful human and would not even speak to me - not so much as a 'hi'! I suspect she was furious because her kids liked me. There are websites and books devoted to step-parenting. I suggest you avail yourself of them. It's a difficult situation, made more so sometimes by the attitudes of the folks involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamed Wildflower Posted April 2, 2005 Author Share Posted April 2, 2005 Thanks for your responses. I am young, and there is a remote possibility that I could end up committing to a relationship with a man who is currently married and has a child. I am just kind of trying to get a picture of all possible eventualities-- so I was wondering if anybody had any insight into step-parenting just in case I ever get to be in that position. (A dear friend of mine is miserably married, sometimes the relationship is borderline abusive although it has its charms.) It just seems to me that so many middle-aged divorced women are really REALLY bitter, not that it's not without good reason sometimes, but with this woman-- ugh! I just can't help shuddering at visions of the two of us in 10 years if things should ever come to pass that way. Truthfully I would LOVE to be the stepmother of this child, but I just wish the child wouldn't have to come with parental ties to a disdainful, manipulative, and domineering woman. There is also the archetypal cultural image of the divorced man with the girlfriend who is younger, thinner, prettier than his ex-wife (think of the movie Stepmom for example). That's an image that is easy to resent, and I HATE the thought of myself being that image, and being treated with the understandable bitterness by the ex-wife. If things should ever come to pass this way, I'd just like there to be amicable relations between us, but I predict major disagreements over parenting styles, and how much say do I really have in the raising of the child?? Afterall, I am not REALLY her mother. Regardless of my actual personal situation, I do think it would be interesting to have a discussion about the dynamics of the relations between mothers and stepmothers. And if anyone has had a particularly good experience-- definitely do please post your insights! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tamed Wildflower Posted April 2, 2005 Author Share Posted April 2, 2005 Moimeme, how did you handle her hatefulness toward you? Did you ever just level with her and say, "Look, we don't have to interact much, but to the extent that we do, let's just grow up and treat each other with civility-- especially where the children are concerned, okay??" Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 I am a step-child with two mums who hated each other equally. It was much fun (said sarcastically); thank god I was in college when my dad finally got married. It was bad for years at any big family functions, but it got better. Still not great, but dealable. I did go to my step-brother's wedding a couple of years ago and my mom was PISSED and my dad at that time had gotten re-married 15 years ago. I dislike both of my mums equally as well. They are both crazy, but I am civil to them both, except when my step-mum starts talking about politics or religion and then we get in arguments. I still maintain niceities (is that a word?) though, even in the arguments. Sorry that I'm not a step-mum, but I don't know that the situation can ever be truly great. It's just sort of a matter of dealing with it, like you said, with civility. That's all I know that I can ever hope for. Maybe someone else has a better story for you... Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 I was raised in an extended family environment! My first step mother was a scream. She doted on me since I was the youngest of 4. My oldest sister made her life a living hell! So out she went. My second step mother even in view she tried to include all of us I never truly felt we were a family. She was a descent enough step mother but as years went by her family came first as my father followed suit. My step mother was the one who did the cards and presents for my father and about 5 years ago she just stopped and my father does nothing for his natural children now. In any relationship I have had where other men's children were involved, I never felt threatened and usually befriended the exW! As I enter my 50th year of existence I am happy I raised my child to be accepting of others children in an extended family type atmosphere. Yes my child was raised in a divorced environment and it helped her in her adult life by being more accepting and including in the children's lives of the guy she is involved with! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 Originally posted by Tamed Wildflower I am young, and there is a remote possibility that I could end up committing to a relationship with a man who is currently married and has a child. I am just kind of trying to get a picture of all possible eventualities-- so I was wondering if anybody had any insight into step-parenting just in case I ever get to be in that position. I seriously doubt that you'll ever be in any kind of "parenting" relationship with this child. She already has a mother, and you would be over-stepping your bounds to even try to fill that role in the child's life. That said, the most successful step-parenting relationships are more on the order of a fond Auntie or Uncle. You would treat this child like a beloved niece/nephew. This approach worked very well for my step-mother, even though she and my mother were not always on the best of terms. It just seems to me that so many middle-aged divorced women are really REALLY bitter, not that it's not without good reason sometimes, but with this woman-- ugh! I'm always amazed at the OW's capacity to buy whatever the MM tells her about his wife, as if it were the gospel truth. And if she weren't really a bitter person before, you can guarantee that after you and her husband perpetrate this theft of her investment in marriage and family....she will be then. I don't know your particular story....but I can assure you that if I were in that woman's shoes, you'd have to step over my cold, lifeless, carcass to have ANY contact with my children. And I'm generally a pretty easy-going person for the most part....non-bitter. But not everyone believes that wrecking another person's home, is not intrinsically immoral. No particular disparagement to you personally...but I wouldn't tolerate that kind of influence over my children. I want them to have the value-system that I, myself, believe in....and I have that right. They are MY children. There is also the archetypal cultural image of the divorced man with the girlfriend who is younger, thinner, prettier than his ex-wife (think of the movie Stepmom for example). That's an image that is easy to resent, and I HATE the thought of myself being that image, and being treated with the understandable bitterness by the ex-wife. If things should ever come to pass this way, I'd just like there to be amicable relations between us, but I predict major disagreements over parenting styles, and how much say do I really have in the raising of the child?? Afterall, I am not REALLY her mother. Every bit of that is avoidable, so don't delude yourself into believing that you are NOT in fact making a choice to interfere with this family. So resentment is what you, yourself, are buying into. It is an unavoidable part of the transaction. To answer your question, you don't have ANY real say in the raising of that child because you are not her mother. Someday, if you have children of your own...you'll understand all that. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 That's an image that is easy to resent, and I HATE the thought of myself being that image, and being treated with the understandable bitterness by the ex-wife. If things should ever come to pass this way, I'd just like there to be amicable relations between us With all due respect, are you delusional? I agree with LadyJane that as the OW and the individual instrumental in breaking up the man's marriage, you have no right to expect to be treated with other than hostility. Do people not have anything resembling consciences these days? Do you realize that you will be the one causing those kids a lot of pain when their family breaks up? I disliked my stepmom for a long time because of that and my mom certainly had nothing to do with her. I couldn't blame her, either. My situation was nothing like yours. As I said: I had nothing to do with their breakup; I met him after he was divorced My advice to you would be to lay off married men. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 hey all, I can say my expierence with being a step mother has been a living hell.. can't say nothing to the "good son" or h will get pissed .. we have a child together she is 5 and she is looked at as the demon child and his is the"good son".. he can do no wrong and mil says he is a good kid yeah she don't live with him!! he so good then why is he in in school suspension for three days ok good child whatever!! anyways know that if i ever split with h i will never get with someone that has a child from a previous .. lesson learned Link to post Share on other sites
Vanessa Gilbert Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 I have 3 step-children who all live with their dad and me - there mother choose her abusive (to the children) husband over her children - we don't really have a relationship but are polite when we have to be - such as on her rare visits to the children, however, I have suffered greatly from this as my middle stepdaughter who is now nearly 15 is an absolute demon child and takes all her frustrations at an inadequate mother out on me - i have no choice but to contine to supply this child with a home although our relationship is one of hatred and mistrust and I have contemplated leaving my husband and the children to just get on with it as it makes my life so miserable - 1 was already with my husband when the children either had to come and live with us or stay in the abusive home or go into care - what a choice there was no choice and on holidays said daughter had been a joy to have for the odd weeks they spent with us - how different reality is. Be very careful being a step-parent is really difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 hey vanessa. AMEN!! step parrenting is Very Difficult!!! Link to post Share on other sites
innerconflict Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 After reading everyone's posts, I can say that I am lucky. From Day One, my boyfriend's five year old son has accepted me with open arms and heart. We get along sooo well. Whenever he stays with us, he is constantly by my side. As soon as he walks through the door, he is looking and asking for me. There are a couple of things that I don't agree with in regards to parenting style, but it is not up to me to decide how to deal with those situations. Whenever the mother is around, I am civil but don't go out of my way to establish a relationship. To be honest, I am not ready for that. From what I have seen and heard, she does not like the fact that her son calls me his best friend. She has called my bf numerous times to argue over silly things. Many of my bf's family members have made comments about how she is not the greatest mother, and that I pay more to attention to the child. Since the split up of their relationship, my bf's ex has become involved with someone with a criminal background. There are times when things get childish (i.e., if my bf can't go, then your gf can't go) and I get frustrated. But lately, the child has made comments about what goes on in her house that has my bf worried. And many many times, the child fights not to go to her house. My bf is looking to hire a lawyer and seek full custody. If that goes through, then I will really become a stepmom. If it wasn't for the love and support from my bf and his son, I wouldn't have stayed in the situation. Especially when the mother acts up. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 hey innerconlict, things use to be the same for me but as they get older they start to look at you as not being their mom they don't have to do what you say.. just wait been with my ss since 2 and things were great till the age of nine so enjoy it while you can Link to post Share on other sites
Guinevere04 Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 ladyjane hit it right on the head!! I was a step mother for 8 years. I technically still am because the ba$tard won't divorce me, but that's neither here nor there. I would say one of the biggest reasons my marriage ended was because of the constant conflict between his ex-wife and me. I was foolish enough to think that because she was a horrible mother, I could make up the difference every other weekend. Stupid, stupid girl. I had no say and I should have known better. I didn't really understand that until I got out of the situation and realized that one day he will date someone and possibly marry and that person might try to raise my child. The only difference is that I am doing a good job with my son. My stepdaughter's mother was a piece of trash and I truly love my stepdaughter and worried about her endlessly even though her mom and dad both didn't. I wish I could have taken her with me. But in hindsight, I should have loved her, just like ladyjane said, like an niece and kept my nose out of it. Like fool, I am now dating a man with 3 kids. I think I have lost my mind. But I have learned a good lesson. I help take care of them a little while I am around, but I will not get caught up like I did in the past. I will know my boundaries and only focus on me and my son and if my boyfriend doesn't like it he can hit the road because there is no bond in the world like a mother and her child whether they are a good parent or not. I really think it ruined my marriage and it won't happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Jlmic1 Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 I have an almost 5 year old step-daughter and I love her to death BUT... Her mother is a constant headache! She dislikes me for no reason, but is nice to my face. She has told lies to her daughter about me, in an effort to get her not to like me. She stalked me while I was dating my husband, drove by my house, went to my previous employer and got my phone number and address, and the list goes on. She's pissed off that my husband never married her, despite the fact that they had a kid. The woman is in and out of relationships constantly, and when she's "single" she proceeds to call my husband 10 times a day with lame reasons that have nothing to do with their kid. I could go on... but I'll leave it at that. My advice: Unless there is no other man on this planet that you could ever see yourself with.... Find yourself a man with no kids. I do feel that way about my husband. After all is said and done with this horrible situation, I can honestly say that he's worth it all. PLEASE make sure you feel the same way before getting involved with this man any further. Link to post Share on other sites
judy Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 My younger son who is only 2 already has a step mother of 1 year. ANd his father told me she treats my son better than her own son, and I doubted it. and my son always cries whenever saw her or heard her name. What is going on with them? THanks, Link to post Share on other sites
froggiekisses Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 I'm always amazed at the OW's capacity to buy whatever the MM tells her about his wife, as if it were the gospel truth. And if she weren't really a bitter person before, you can guarantee that after you and her husband perpetrate this theft of her investment in marriage and family....she will be then. I don't know your particular story....but I can assure you that if I were in that woman's shoes, you'd have to step over my cold, lifeless, carcass to have ANY contact with my children. And I'm generally a pretty easy-going person for the most part....non-bitter. But not everyone believes that wrecking another person's home, is not intrinsically immoral. No particular disparagement to you personally...but I wouldn't tolerate that kind of influence over my children. I want them to have the value-system that I, myself, believe in....and I have that right. They are MY children. AMEN! my husband ran off with another woman and i'll be dammned if she ever sees my son. i dont want her having ANY contact with my son. my husband has temp supervised visitation <we are just separated no court ordered yet> because he isnt taking my son anywhere near that hussy. so yea being the OW theres a good chance the mother of the children will never let you around them anyways Link to post Share on other sites
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