Recently Separated its hard

[Sladdly]

First off just want to say hello. I kept ending up at this forum reading through everyones posts and it meant a lot to see I am not alone through this. So here is my story I would like others insight on.

 

So my wife and I did a long distance relationship and were madly in love (USA to Europe) after 3 years we decided to get married. We married in USA and lived there for a year. Before she moved there I fell very heavy into drug addiction. I was a touring musician for years (she too in the music biz, thats how we met) but she had no idea how heavy I began using. So I tried very hard to clean up once she arrived and we got married. About a year after being married I was living off of guilt with relapse and tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. She still stuck by my side emotionally and knew the pain I was in. I landed on my death bed and she was there to see it. I since have been sober (over 2 years)... and after she moved back to europe while I started recovery we remained married but tried to work on ourselves a bit. 6 months later I moved to europe so we can try and do the marriage. I have been here for over a year now and day after xmas 2014 I could tell something wasnt right and I asked her 'do you still love me?'.. she said "I just dont know anymore.... i think you can tell something isnt right"... after everything we been through I couldnt believe what I heard. Things were actually seemingly OK now. I grew up... I was sober. She told me I was the man and husband she knew I could become and that she does love me but doesnt feel in love with me anymore. I didnt realize at the time but I think I feel the same way.

 

long story short, we have been VERY supportive through this and are separated. She wants to be separated because she feels she never healed from everything (or her very troubled childhood) and said she doesnt know how to be happy and no energy to fix the marriage or even begin to. She barely has energy to get to work. She is a serious depression. She just wants to be young again and work on herself, and I think I do too. At least I want to work on myself. I havent been able to full since cleaning up because we focused on the marriage so much again! She feels she lost herself to the marriage and needs to figure out how to love herself. I have found an apartment and am moving out in 3 weeks. We are still on VERY good terms. She said she doesnt even want to think about the future but looks at the separation right now as permanent because it is the only way she can possible begin to work on herself.

 

I am supportive in the decision. we couldnt have gone on like that without figuring our own personal stuff out. No divorce right now for legal reasons so I can stay and work here. We are both OK with that but as far as we are concerned we are "broken up". So realistically it seems like we are sort of in a self-discovery trial separation. She is very down and depressed and I hate that I cant help her. our marriage was a very small part of this feeling she has now. She said she just wants to be alone and not talk about anything so I am respecting her space. Its bitter sweet because I know its good to work on myself now, but we are both best BEST friends under all of this. We just lost the romance due to so much stuff that happened with us in our past.

 

So my questions are this; Do I just move on and try to continue to focus on myself? I still feel like our bond is so strong and we have been through so much.. once we both grow from this we can possibly be much stronger in the long run. She said if she DID want a family and a marriage right now, I would definitely be the perfect person for this.. but she realized she isnt happy with herself and cant maintain a relationship with someone else, let alone, herself right now.

 

I also cant stop thinking she will just move on too out of loneliness. She is a very needy person for attention and I know she says she just wants to be alone... but the thought of her having sex with someone else is whats killing me lately. We talked about it... she said she isnt looking for relationship or anything and living day by day... if some fling happened it would happen.. and I should do the same if it came along. She has no energy to have feelings for me anymore until she can learn to love herself.

 

Its just all very very hard. I also dont know many people here besides who I work with... so she has friends and all i have is skype with my family back in USA. How do I get these destructive 'her moving on' thoughts out of my head? How do I look past she knows we would be a perfect marriage if we both get our heads on our own shoulders? Im scared to leave it be but know its for the best. As I said... we are on very good terms. Very supportive through this. We need space and time and healing on our own... but I hate to think we would lose something so strong. She even said "I know I dont want to do this, but it has to be done in order to become whole again".. any advice or ideas on this?

[Lion Heart]

I'm sorry you're going through this so far away from your support network, though you're still skyping to USA people and you've got loveshack.org 24/7. They're really good things in your life. Search threads, post and read everything you can to help your decision making process.

 

From what I've read (and "rant" till your heart's content!) She made the decision to separate. She also answered your question of fidelity to each other during the separation. That even though you're still married, not filing for divorce yet, you are both free to sleep with other people.

 

Looking at this tender situation, whoever has a sexual partner first (even with the green light) will be damaging a very fragile relationship. The mere thought of her doing that is driving you crazy.

 

I'd predict that if you don't share that with her and your predicted reaction to her being with another man, then she wouldn't be prepared for the outcome. Yes she's in a fragile state but she's better off informed beforehand, so that she knows the consequences of her actions. I'd also ask for her to respect you by telling you if and when it happens so you can also make an informed choice.

 

For your own sake, which is the only person you can look after RIGHT NOW, get your thoughts down about how you'd feel. Write your exit plan out in specific detail. Make it clear to her that these thoughts and plans are not to hurt her but to protect yourself. That if you couldn't get past her "having" another man, the only thing left is to go home and get a D. It's not what you want but it would be all you could do.

 

As for another woman in the foreign country town your wife lives in, I'd stay away from that possibility. It's far too risky unless you would be happy to live there forever. A new wife with an ex wife you may not get over for a long time, just not good!

 

Keep posting and tell us how you're getting on.

Stay clean & sober, work really hard at looking after yourself.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

PS: You've gotten yourself sober and stayed that way. That's no mean feat so VERY WELL DONE!

 

Protect your sobriety. It's far too precious to lose ever again. Are there online NA groups you could join?

 

Is she getting counselling? If there are childhood issues plaguing her into adulthood, then she hasn't managed to shake these off by herself. She needs help. Can you gently approach the subject with her?

 

LH

[Sladdly]

PS: You've gotten yourself sober and stayed that way. That's no mean feat so VERY WELL DONE!

 

Protect your sobriety. It's far too precious to lose ever again. Are there online NA groups you could join?

 

Is she getting counselling? If there are childhood issues plaguing her into adulthood, then she hasn't managed to shake these off by herself. She needs help. Can you gently approach the subject with her?

 

LH

 

 

Thank you so much for the response! Thanks also for the support in sobriety. I talk to my fellow sober peers a lot if needed. But I am very strong even through this trivial time. I am actually very proud of myself! As far as her getting counseling, she told me last night she will be starting next month. I am very very proud of her. What happened to her as a child is the worst thing to happen to someone and definitely plays a role in all of this including her idea of men. I told her I dont think its right too about the 'fling' thing but she said its not like she is looking for love or even that, she just means if it was to happen I shouldnt just wait around. She wants me to move on as if this is final so that way we can both heal and grow. It does make sense in a certain way... but I hate to think its the final nail in the coffin. She said "I am not a fortune teller so I dont know if we would ever end up back together.. all I know is I dont want this but it is the right decision, so I have to do this"... just very sad because I did so much in changing myself and was a great husband for her finally then she realizes she cant do a marriage due to her own personal issues . I almost at times wish we had a reason to hate each other or be on bad terms so it wasnt so... possible for this to work one day. Hope is hurting me mostly along with the idea of her becoming sexual with another partner. Since we talked last night and she was crying and very hurt she said she even is having serious problems at work because she goes and cries in the bathroom and isnt doing good and her boss is noticing. I feel horrible she is in this space!

[Sladdly]

PS: You've gotten yourself sober and stayed that way. That's no mean feat so VERY WELL DONE!

 

Protect your sobriety. It's far too precious to lose ever again. Are there online NA groups you could join?

 

Is she getting counselling? If there are childhood issues plaguing her into adulthood, then she hasn't managed to shake these off by herself. She needs help. Can you gently approach the subject with her?

 

LH

 

I also forgot to add in the original post. She has married best friends and when she decided on this... she didnt even tell them. They found out through me. instead, she moved into her single friends house which she has very troubled relationships and knows nothing about marriage and only confided in her. She chose not to talk to anyone else that would know how to help this situation and went to a friend who is making her think even more how single life is better for her.

[LoveMyCat]

I also forgot to add in the original post. She has married best friends and when she decided on this... she didnt even tell them. They found out through me. instead, she moved into her single friends house which she has very troubled relationships and knows nothing about marriage and only confided in her. She chose not to talk to anyone else that would know how to help this situation and went to a friend who is making her think even more how single life is better for her.

 

I hate to say this, but she may have a particular man in mind. At least, it is a possibility. She did not confide in her married friends but went to a single one. To me that shows some (possible) level of guilt about the real reasons she wants to be apart. But I could be way off base.

 

Also, while wait a month to start counseling? That doesn't make sense to me, unless she can't get benefit coverage until then or something.

[Sladdly]

I hate to say this, but she may have a particular man in mind. At least, it is a possibility. She did not confide in her married friends but went to a single one. To me that shows some (possible) level of guilt about the real reasons she wants to be apart. But I could be way off base.

 

Also, while wait a month to start counseling? That doesn't make sense to me, unless she can't get benefit coverage until then or something.

 

Yea I thought the same thing when she first told me. I asked her to tell me the truth and swear on her mothers life if it really isnt another man. She said absolutely isnt. She also told my mom that and her mom told me that. Our families are all very very close. She hasnt cut communication with me. I am even still living in our apartment until I move in a few weeks. She said she felt this way off and on since the big event happened during my addiction. So I think she was just trying and trying and got exhausted but she never communicated with me there was any problems going on with her emotions. She also reconfirmed she is not looking for anyone or wants any type of relationship. She just wants to be alone... but yea, the confiding in single friend was probably just because she wants to be single and alone and the married friends would tell her to keep trying when she just cant anymore. I also still have her on all my network stuff like facebook etc... and I have talked to her daily for the past month (but now starting today we are planning to not talk and start fully giving space) and I would have seen at least a hint at something like her wanting to be with someone else or talking to someone else I think. Someone would have by now at least I feel.

 

She said once she has money, so her next pay check. Thats why she is waiting a month. I just hope she really does go. She says she needs to so I hope she will.