At a loss

[tippydog90]

So it has been 7 months since my ex walked out on my 2 year old daughter and me for "his freedom". It has been two months since the divorce was finalized. I struggle every single day with what he did and feel so much anger it consumes me at times, particularly when I have to hear his voice or see him.

 

 

He works on the road for 6 weeks at a time and sees our daughter for a few days every six weeks, so contact is pretty limited. But he calls to talk to her and having to listen to his voice is revolting to me. I almost have panic attacks when I know he is coming back and since into a deep depression. I cannot wrap my head around what kind of monster walks out on their wife and two year old because he wants "freedom" and cannot put an ounce of effort into his marriage. All he cares about is his bike, bars, and doing what he wants. He is 44 years old and acts like a 12 year old.

 

 

Every day his words "I never loved you" echo in my head and eat away at my heart. And to make the pain even deeper, our daughter is adopted and I feel an even deeper sense of betrayal for the effect this will have on her. Not only will she have to deal with the emotions of being adopted, but will also have to deal with the fact her father walked out on her when she was 2. I hate him for what he has done. And I cannot deal with the anger and rage I feel anymore. When I met him I was kind, loving, sweet and trusting and he has torn me apart inside. Now I just feel angry and bitter. And the thought of EVER trusting another man is repulsive to me. I am 50 years old now, single with a young child, living in a small remote town in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do to help us heal. I am trying to get out of here and relocate, which will be a positive. I just feel as though he stripped everything from us and I hate him intensely for it. I cannot stomach the thought of even seeing him. And he has the nerve to tell me to move forward and don't look back. Every day I see my daughter I look back and am reminded of the devastation he has caused to her life, and mine.

 

 

Any advice would be appreciated because I am just about to lose it some days. I feel so traumatized by his lies, the fact he did nothing but "use" me to suit his own needs and then discarded me when he didn't "need" me anymore. Classic narcissist if there ever was one. And yes, I am in counseling, on anti depressants and I work out to alleviate some of the stress. But nothing helps much. His words just echo in my mind every day.

[MsOptimist]

I'm so sorry, tippy. I know it's probably hard to believe right now, but you will come out of this stronger.

 

He does not define you as a person, and your marriage (and end of it) did not define you as a person. That kind, loving, sweet, trusting woman is still in there. It's just a matter of sweeping away the crud and bringing her back out. You will learn to trust again, but next time you'll be wiser from the lessons learned through the divorce.

 

Don't dwell on his words when he left you. His claims of never loving you are likely untrue. The one who leaves often rewrites marital history and piles blame onto the blindsided spouse. This is often a projection of their own low self esteem and self worth.

 

Do you have a good support system of friends and family? Is there a support group that you can join to connect with others? Are you in therapy? You need to connect with people right now and see that you don't have to handle this all alone.

 

Keep posting and getting your thoughts out, that is a good start to releasing the anger.

[oldshirt]

My advice is to seek some professional counseling to deal with the trauma you have experienced and the hurt and anger that you are dealing with.

 

 

You have been delt a pretty harsh, low blow. Anyone would be upset and angered.

 

 

Nothing can turn him into a caring, decent person. But therapy can help you get away from being an angry, bitter person and help you cope with the cards you have been delt in a more functional and healthy manner.

[chew123]

I am sorry this happened. And I understand the way you feel. But with time and by working on yourself you will get through this. Unfortunately, things like this seem to happen to a lot of us.

 

Your daughter will be fine. She is young enough that she can't understand and in my opinion is way better off with just you. Any man who can walk away like this is not likely to be a great father anyway.

 

It sounds like you are doing the right things, excecise, counseling, etc. Keep it up and eventually the anger will subside and you will begin to move forward. Don't get down on yourself, it takes time.

 

And please don't give up on all men. Realize there are women who behave similarly to your husband. Not all of us are untrustworthy.

 

Posting on this site was good therapy for me when I was in the early stages. I suggest you keep doing the same. there are many wise people here.

[tippydog90]

I am in counseling, but I live in a very, very small town that is 3 hours away from any "city" and so my options are very limited here. While my counselor has been helpful, to be honest, it hasn't done much for me. I just feel like the last several years were some sick joke and feel so traumatized. I am so angry at myself for ever believing a word out of his mouth. And to drag an innocent child into his messed up world is just sick. I have a few friends here, but most of my friends and family are far away. I feel pretty alone.

[Yasuandio]

I know it doesn't help, but I am sorry this has happened to you, Tippydog. I am going to give a couple suggestions while you go though the "anger stages," and when they return, here and there.

 

You must eliminate the events that trigger the anger. For instance, when his number comes up on the phone, have your daughter answer, as we know, he is calling to talk to her. That is the sad reality. He does not wish to interact as a husband or partner with you, and anything less, at this time is pointless and unacceptable - and for now, is hurting your health and self-esteem.

 

Essentially, I am proposing NC, not LC, at least until you are strong and "secure" again in your dealings with him. [i suspect you are a very strong woman, from reading your posts. I am too, or was, for the majority of my lifetime. Herein, I want to being your attention to a book I just read called "Attached." written by Levine and Heller. It discusses the most recent research on human attachment styles. You will find your answer to this puzzle, I believe, on page 114. (And, thank you, Jkrbbit, for recommending this book - it gave me tremendous clairity).

 

It is the less-secure people that run from relationships, Tippydog. And it is the secure people that insecure people want to be with. This is what I learned from this book. I scure people can often become much more secure by being with a secure person. However, the partner that possesses the secure attachment style have the most to lose in the relationships. The moment a secure person shows vulnerability - their insecure partner (whom might have grown to become more secure), can waver - and find fault with their former secure partner.

 

That fault finding led to abusiveness in my relationship - which I allowed to tear down my secure style. Instead of my life being all about me, before I knew it, my life was all about him. He developed contempt for this kindness and abandoned me.

 

I have gone through a long period of feeling lost in the world without my partner that I was with since 1980, and married to for 26 years. I'm coming back, and gaining acceptance of the situation as it stands, in our divorced state.

 

This new research, which I discussed with my therapist this week when I received the book in the mail from Amazon, makes complete sense to me. I don't really need all the little simplified examples to comprehend the basic theory. I get it. I finally get it. Now, my quest is to CONTINUE getting my SECURE SELF back.

 

I do, indeed have new traditions, a new lifestyle, a new look. I am a different person. I would not be inclined, ever again, to be in the role of homemaker, expert laundress, slapping gormet chow on the table day in and day out. (Besides contributing, as I did, with a professional career). That won't happen again in my lifetime.

 

I am re-learning who I am. And re-defining who I will be in the future as a secure woman (as I was before the day I met him, and for the majority of the relationship).

 

How can you put your focus on yourself (and daughter), instead of HIM?

----------

Now that was the nice approach. This is a much more harsh approach.

 

I would propose, something very dramatic. Hard to swallow, but take it under consideration. He is a young man, still sowing oats, obviously MIL, and does not want to be tied down. I would suggest you completely take advantage of this current development and ask him to sign over the right of the child to you. (I warned you). Then divorce this young man, and leave the area, if possible. Cut ties totally.

 

This 44 year old guy only represents a symbol of abandonment. That is the last thing your little girl needs. If he wants to see her after signing over his rights, well, you can discuss that with you daughter. But as long as he has rights, he will be in your life forever. You will watch him date, romance, and eventually marry another woman, have another family - where your daughter will play second fiddle, etc., etc., etc. It will be at least a decade of pain. Really, even a half decade of pain doesn't sound so great witnesses what is obviously going to come next.

 

It is a good deal for him to trade rights to the daughter, and walk away without having to pay child support (which will be like pulling teeth anyway - and not much money to speak of). You will never have to look at him again. You will never have to know what he is doing. He can be erased. He is not blood.

 

Well, that is just an idea to eliminate this paragon of abandonment for your system and life for good. Forgive me. Yas

[tippydog90]

Thanks for the book advice Yas. I will check that out. And yes you are right, I am strong - have always been strong and have made it through the actual death of a spouse at a very young age. But this is truly more traumatic than that was....

 

 

He was emotionally abusive to me the last two years in particular. I won't go into all he did here again, it is posted in another of my threads, but let's just say his propensity for cruelty and his lack of empathy and compassion are frightening.

 

 

I truly do not think he will ever marry again, he said he "didn't believe in marriage" and plus he is too obsessed with his inheritance and too untrusting of any other human to ever marry someone else. That is part of the reason he left us, he got a very large inheritance and didn't need me anymore. He let me support him, encourage him, and love him through his last three years in the Army, then bam - when he didn't get "money" from the Army for being married anymore and got his inheritance - well hell who needs a wife then? That is when he began his "discarding" process. He told me the only reason he married me in the first place was to get out of living in the barracks.

 

 

And Yas, I actually did ask him to just leave us alone, permanently. No child support - just walk. He refused. In his own warped way, he loves our daughter, but only when it is "convenient" for him to be her father. I think he is truly too self absorbed and selfish (and narcissistic) to ever really love anyone. He puts himself first, always. Most of my friends and family seem to think he will slowly fade out of our lives, and I just have a hard time believing he will do that. Maybe I am wrong. It upsets me to even think this, but I really don't think our daughter would miss out on much if he did fade away in time. He is hardly ever there for her now, I pretty much have almost sole physical custody and he didn't even fight for more visitation. The only thing he cared about in the divorce process was anything that affected him financially. He could have cared less about the rest of the terms of the divorce.

 

 

And Chew - I truly know there are woman that do the same thing and that there are plenty of good men out there that would never do this. I just think I will have an almost impossible time of ever putting my heart on the line again. This was just too devastating to ever think about going through again.

[justaplottwist]

First, I am truly sorry for your circumstances. That must have been and still is incredibly painful.

 

I can relate. I'm in my later 40's and had our son late in life. My stbx did the same.....wanted his freedom. His decision to leave was for his own benefit....and everything he has done in the last year....has been for his own benefit.

 

I spent most of last year like you....angry, bitter, and dreading to hear or see him...it revolted me too for the same reasons.

 

Those emotions finally stopped last month when I decided that he was not going to change my personality to a bitter, angry person. Then he would have gotten everything.

 

I did it for me...and for my son. I couldn't change what had happened, nor could I change how he acted...but I could change me.

 

Don't get me wrong. I still can't stand him. But I LOVE me more than to be like the person I was becoming because of him.

 

It's not easy...and yes....there are days I still get angry. But I don't stay in that perpetual "gray cloud" anger/resentment that I had following me for months. He wasn't worth it.

 

I'm very sorry for your pain....and yes...what he did was extremely hurtful. Your child needs a parent that is full of love....like my son does. Try and turn that angry energy into more love energy for your child. It will add more years to your life....and give your child more years with you.

[tippydog90]

Thank you all for your encouraging words and support. It means a lot to me. He will be back here in a few days and I have been so very, very depressed at the thought of seeing him. This is a man I loved and did all I could do to bring happiness to his life and he just bailed on us.

 

 

His cruelty the last few years after he received his inheritance and got out of the Army were so hard to deal with. What kind of man tells his wife he never loved her? And the kicker is he cannot even tell me what it is he really "wants". He is a perpetually unhappy person that thinks there is something "magical" out there that is going to solve all his problems. I spent five years trying to "make" him happy and he looks at this as my failure, I know he does.

 

 

Anyway, more than anything I care about what he has done to our little girl. I feel so much guilt over what this means for her life. She deserved so, so much better. How will she ever deal with the pain associated with her adoption AND her father's abandonment? While he hasn't technically "abandoned" her, he is never here anymore and she adored her daddy. It just makes me sick. How can a human being do something like this without good reason? We had minor problems in our relationship, but nothing major - at least in my opinion. He had a loving, attractive wife with a great education and career and an absolutely precious daughter and we were not worth the effort to him. I just do not understand and I never will. And therein lies my anger, not for me so much, but for a beautiful little girl that deserved to have a whole family.

[KBarletta]

The kicker is he cannot even tell me what it is he really "wants". He is a perpetually unhappy person that thinks there is something "magical" out there that is going to solve all his problems. I spent five years trying to "make" him happy and he looks at this as my failure, I know he does.

 

 

^^ This, unfortunately, seems to be a fairly common issue. The fact is, too many people are "looking" for happiness from relationships, jobs, living arrangements, money, houses, clothes, vacations, etc., when they need to look at themselves. If you aren't happy with yourself you'll never be happy with someone else. It's a cliche, but it's also true, and it dooms a lot of relationships when unhappy people are looking for a scapegoat for their own problems.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but when you finally make a break with him and begin to chart a new course for yourself and your child, you will feel better. Hang in there!

[MsOptimist]

Thank you all for your encouraging words and support. It means a lot to me. He will be back here in a few days and I have been so very, very depressed at the thought of seeing him. This is a man I loved and did all I could do to bring happiness to his life and he just bailed on us.

 

 

His cruelty the last few years after he received his inheritance and got out of the Army were so hard to deal with. What kind of man tells his wife he never loved her? And the kicker is he cannot even tell me what it is he really "wants". He is a perpetually unhappy person that thinks there is something "magical" out there that is going to solve all his problems. I spent five years trying to "make" him happy and he looks at this as my failure, I know he does.

 

 

Anyway, more than anything I care about what he has done to our little girl. I feel so much guilt over what this means for her life. She deserved so, so much better. How will she ever deal with the pain associated with her adoption AND her father's abandonment? While he hasn't technically "abandoned" her, he is never here anymore and she adored her daddy. It just makes me sick. How can a human being do something like this without good reason? We had minor problems in our relationship, but nothing major - at least in my opinion. He had a loving, attractive wife with a great education and career and an absolutely precious daughter and we were not worth the effort to him. I just do not understand and I never will. And therein lies my anger, not for me so much, but for a beautiful little girl that deserved to have a whole family.

 

You are not and were not responsible for his happiness. You now know the real person that he is, and it's not someone that you deserve. A suggestion that was made to me on this board, is to make a list of all the things you hate about him and are angry about. Keep rereading that list before he comes to visit.

 

You will also have to let go of trying to understand his words and his mentality. My exH told me the very same things, that he never loved me and didn't know what he really wants. He was all kinds of confused and would flip flop on everything and admitted that his feelings changed one day to the next. You have to learn to be ok with not getting all of the answers. He likely doesn't know the answers himself.

 

Your daughter will deal with everything she's been dealt because she has a mother who loves her and she'll witness her mother move through an extremely tough situation with grace. Show her how to handle adversities and how to overcome them. Show her that it's ok and good to talk about things that bother us and how to handle situations in a healthy way.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I cannot deal with the anger and rage I feel anymore. When I met him I was kind, loving, sweet and trusting and he has torn me apart inside. Now I just feel angry and bitter. And the thought of EVER trusting another man is repulsive to me. I am 50 years old now, single with a young child, living in a small remote town in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do to help us heal. I am trying to get out of here and relocate, which will be a positive. I just feel as though he stripped everything from us and I hate him intensely for it. I cannot stomach the thought of even seeing him. And he has the nerve to tell me to move forward and don't look back. Every day I see my daughter I look back and am reminded of the devastation he has caused to her life, and mine.

 

Why would you continue to give control of your life to such an unworthy individual ???

 

If your ruling emotions - rage, anger, hate, bitterness - are all in the context of your feelings for him, then you're still effectively with him. And based on your description, that's a lousy place to be.

 

His decisions are about him and the responsibility for his choices are on his head. Let him bear that burden alone - poor husband, weak spouse, absent father, those are labels for him.

 

You've got plenty on your plate. Be in charge of Tippydog90 and her happiness. Right now, that's a full-time job ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

Too bad, this good advice is easier said than done, Mr. Lucky. It takes a time. Sometimes, a lot of time. Sometimes, too much time. Yas

[Mr. Lucky]

Agree Yas, but someone trying to recover from a broken marriage or relationship is like an addict at his first NA meeting. The first step is realizing the only one that can fix you is you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tippydog90]

Mr. Lucky,

Such sound advice and I truly do realize that the only one that can fix me is me. I am renting this man space in my head and I want him out. I just for the life of me cannot manage to rid myself of him, or the deep feelings of betrayal. I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around how someone can walk away from such a young child who adored her daddy so much. And so it is hard for me to let go of that anger, and believe me - I want to. I think if we lived somewhere with more opportunities and activities for us, it would be easier to heal. But we are so isolated here, with nothing to do - so it is hard to break away from your thoughts under those circumstances. No distraction from the pain. Hopefully very soon that will change, but until then, I am truly at a loss as to how to turn things around. I have good days, but the bad days still outnumber them. And the anger just won't subside.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have good days, but the bad days still outnumber them. And the anger just won't subside.

 

Couple of things worked for me in a similar situation:

 

- Do you have a physical outlet? I know can be tough with a little one but run/walk/bike/stroller push until you can't walk any more. That anger takes a physical toll and exercise is a remedy.

 

- Take up something you'd never normally do. For me was piano lessons, had never played in my life. And while I'm still mediocre 20+ years later, the practice was calming because you're in the moment, no thoughts of anything else. I bought a cheap piano at a garage sale but you can get a keyboard on Amazon for $100...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tippydog90]

Mr. Lucky,

I do have a physical outlet, I get up before 5 a.m 6 days a week and do a pretty intense workout. And that definitely helps release some of the anger, anxiety and depression.

 

And I do have a few hobbies I love, quilting is one and gardening is another. And I love hiking also. Not garden (or hiking) season right now! My dilemma there is finding time to quilt at the moment (or much of anything else). I work full time, evenings are shot just trying to keep up with a 3 year old, get her fed, dogs fed, baths, etc. And weekends are just almost completely catching up on chores from the week.... It is hard to quilt (or concentrate on another activity) when you have a 3 year old running around! Not to make excuses but I have about 2 hours of down time in the afternoon while she naps, and by then it is hard to get motivated to do much because I have been up since 5. I really need to find a way to make more time for myself, but I just can't figure out how to fit it in to an already overwhelming schedule. I am honestly just hoping I find another position soon and can relocate, that I believe will help tremendously. Just too many memories here, too small and isolated of a town, and really no support network at all.

 

So my mind just tends to linger on the pain, the betrayal, and the why - and I know I shouldn't let that happen. Maybe I just need to give myself a bit more time, I don't know. All I know is this is the most devastating thing I have ever been through. In two years time I have lost my mom, my marriage and two of my beautiful dogs and I just don't know how to cope with it all.

 

But I have the most beautiful little girl in the world, and she keeps me going.