Cheating with her Boss...

[persevere]

I recently broke up with my ex gf and have been trying to come to terms with it. I had strong suspicions she was affair with her boss. I wanted to get some opinions on this and also, perhaps to help others see the light.

From the beginning, she had an unusual affinity for her boss.

Frank was the person who hired her as a travelling secretary/company rep. She would name drop him a lot. He is married with kids.

I met her online and she told me she was looking for someone confident, not arrogant. She even went on to say her boss was like this and she admired those traits. Even going so far as to say, once, that she and Frank joked about that if he were not married and younger, then they could would be perfect for each other. O-K..well, that's an odd thing to say but this was early and I blew it off.

They went on business trips together and even stayed in the same hotel. One time, I tried calling her later afternoon. When she called me back around 830, and after I had sent a followup text I asked her what was going on. She said "Frank was over and we were discussing what we are going to be doing for work this week". That was my first big clue..and I should've checked her on it. Being an honest peson, I didn't really think too much about it until later.

She would say things like "he's never been over here" (her place) WTH?

She told me she went to his house for a bday party. I travel for work and was not around when this went on.

I was invited to the company christmas party, but it was asked to me, by my ex "I talked with frank and we think it would be good idea and it's ok if you go". She warned me ahead of time that there was a woman who didn't like her at all who was going to be there. This other woman was the head of the finance division. Also, franks wife was not at the party (?) and my ex told me she had never met her.

Again, name dropping along the months we were going out.

Once there was a friday night "sleep study" she told me about the prior wednesday (she did have sleep issues). That just never jived..as yes, there could have been a sleep study, but it was sprung on me mid week and my bs flag went way up. She texted me a that night around 930 saying that she was laying down and trying to sleep. She told me all about it the next day saying that she and the tech talked about me and how much she liked me, etc. etc.

She always seems to know about what Frank was doing. He's on vacation with his family in florida, etc. etc.

The last week we went out she named dropped frank, again, and I said "frank, frank, frank!" She explained that he was the on who hired her and they have a close working relationship. "He likes that I've found someone and I talk about you all the time around him" Who cares what their boss thinks about their boyfriend?...unless there is something going on.

So yeah, I figured it out later, but should've been able to see it clearly at the time. I am pretty frustrated I could have been so naive.

I don't know where Frank's wife is on this, but she has to know...

Thoughts? Thanks.

Edited February 5, 2015 by persevere

[Davey L]

Yo had a lot of what you describe from my wife. Naive me accepted too much of it at face value. Later it turned out she was having an affair.

 

At least she is your ex, find another that doesn't behave like this.

[kendahke]

So you've caught them having sex?

 

You say she always seems to know what Frank is doing, but isn't she his assistant? She would know that kind of information because it's her job to know it.

 

Chances are, his wife knows the kind of man she's married to and chooses to look the other way because she doesn't want the marriage wrecked and the kids uprooted over some split tail. Not a lot of women are like that, but when money and lifestyle are concerned, some are. Could be she doesn't know, either, but you only suspect: you're not sure and until you are sure and have proof, keep it to yourself.

 

You did waht you needed to do is to dump your girlfriend. There is no trust with her and if that is the case, so sense in wasting your time and youth behind her.

Edited February 5, 2015 by kendahke

[SycamoreCircle]

She sounds like a sociopath. She seemed to get some kind of enjoyment out of rubbing you and her boss together like sticks. Will it start smoking? Can I build a fire? What emotional, psychological limits can I push?

 

Good riddance, man. Acquaint yourself with the NC Guide. This shouldn't be too hard an experience to bounce back from. There's just some really messed up people out there. She exhibited strong personal boundary issues, which is a trusted watermark of a cheater. Get yourself to a clinic and have yourself checked for STD's.

 

I'm sorry you had to suffer this. Talk to people. Get the anger out. Grieve. Heal. Move on.

[Chi townD]

Dude, that's all just speculation. If anything, it indicates that she has a crush on him. Do you have any evidence?

 

 

What other red flags do you have? Does she guard her phone like Fort Knox? If she went into the shower and left her phone out, could you get in it and read some of her text conversations? What you she do if you said your phone was about to die or is dead and if you asked to borrow hers, would she freak or look uneasy?

 

 

But, more importantly, you've broken up with her! So, what should you care?

[Chi townD]

You also might want to consider dropping a line to this douche rockets wife. Write her a letter or message her on facebook from an anonymous source telling her to watch her husband and his secretary. Telling her something is rotten in Denmark.

 

 

If your Ex blows up your phone, tell her you don't know what the hell she's talking about and ignore the rest.

[ascendotum]

Yes there are a lot of sex with the boss affairs that go down, but I'm not seeing any smoking gun here with fingerprints on it, just circumstantial evidence. As someone else said she is this guy's PA. They typically have a very close working relationship with the boss. Personally I would not want my gf to have a very chummy relationship her boss if she was also going away on business trips with him 1 on 1. I would hate that.

If you were suspicious about that sleep study you should have either driven out to the clinic that night and looked for her car parked in the car-park or asked to see her sleep chart results out of curiosity.

 

I see you already broke up with her, but if you are going to write a letter to the boss's wife you need more than this for anything to stick. It signifies a close working relationship which can happen without sex for many PA roles, and the boss will have no trouble defending any of this.

[Chi townD]

Yeah you're right. He's already broken up with her. Therefore, he can't get anymore evidence.

 

 

Just needs to chalk this one up and toss it out. Time to move on.

[ascendotum]

Yeah you're right. He's already broken up with her. Therefore, he can't get anymore evidence.

 

Just needs to chalk this one up and toss it out. Time to move on.

 

Yep, and avoid women who are PAs. lol Most of affairs I knew off at the companies I worked at, the women were single and the guy was usually a boss/senior manager (alpha type guy)

For many though if they are really in love with their partner or are in marriage where its not so easy to just walk, they really need strong evidence of cheating. Circumstantial evidence should propel you to look for solid evidence so you can confront them. Sometimes you just might never get that, but then you cant really justifiably accuse them of cheating. If the suspicions are driving you crazy you can break up with them (and tell all your friends & family she/he was cheating), but you wont come out with the upper hand really

[No Limit]

Luckily, she's not your problem anymore. Although I applaud you for wanting to inform the bastards' wife; shouldn't be that hard with some digging since he is in a higher position.

[persevere]

Thanks, Gentlemen.

This helps me quite a bit.

SycamoreCircle hit the nail on the head. I think she's just nuts.

True. I had no hard evidence, but the circumstantial was like a siren going off.

She did tell me her last bf accused her of **ing her boss, and then that was the last straw and they broke up. He was a sheriff deputy, so I would imagine he had perhaps done some research.

I did think of looking at her texts on occasion, and she did not guard her phone too much. It probably would've have told a lot, but if it's that bad, I should've just ended it.

The sleep study...I offered to drive her there. She declined, but that's acceptable. I later asked if I could see the results. She told me her insurance company had them. The study was done in a neighboring town, where I did look up and see they had such a place. Looking back, I shouldve gone up there and had a look for her car, but at that point I still had some trust.

Yes, I could never outright accuse her of cheating and she was the flirty type. However, when your gal constantly name drops her boss, it really ruins it. It is psychological cheating, in the least and ruins trust. TMI..However. Sometimes there were intimacy issues, especially after we had been drinking a lot. It wasn't too serious. In our last conversation, she very mysteriously repeated "there's a problem" a few times, without telling me what. I thought perhaps a love triangle? but I guessed she was referring to the intimacy issue and said so. She said "I've dated older men, 54 years old, and they don't have this issue". To which I paused and said with great emphasis on present tense "..ARE they USING the 4 hour pill??". She got stone quiet for about 10 seconds to the point I thought she had hung up. (her boss is 54 years old)

She kept saying "I just need my space. I need space"

So yeah, severe personal boundary issues. I was in the way of her space...and in the way of her boss and/or her ability to be a player?

A relationship should not be like that. I travel for work anyway, so we only had a few days a week together..and she was talking about space.

The thing that bothers me the most about all this is I could never solidly nail down what exactly was going on. I feel I was betrayed.

..Oh. A further irony here. She was very religious and liked going to church. Go figure...

Edited February 6, 2015 by persevere

[kendahke]

She did tell me her last bf accused her of **ing her boss, and then that was the last straw and they broke up. He was a sheriff deputy, so I would imagine he had perhaps done some research.

 

 

Unless he had proof, it was speculation, accusations and hurt pride.

 

I'd have dropped her off at the mall and kept going when I heard that, not stick around to have a go with her.

 

..Oh. A further irony here. She was very religious and liked going to church. Go figure...

the devil can sit up in church and quote bible verses, too.

 

For the record, when I did my sleep study, yes, they sent the results to the insurance company, but I also received a print out of the data.

Edited February 6, 2015 by kendahke

[lolablue17]

The way she was very extroverted even imply that it was all innocent. People turn to play down their affairs partners.

 

There is no way to no with what you put here.

[Chi townD]

The big thing that bothered me with his story is her telling him that, " Frank and I talked and we agreed that it would be okay bringing you to the Christmas party." What person has to confer with their boss as to who will be her plus one at an event? That struck me as really odd.

[Chi townD]

The way she was very extroverted even imply that it was all innocent. People turn to play down their affairs partners.

 

There is no way to no with what you put here.

 

 

Nah. Sorry dude, I respectfully don't agree with that. A lot of partners (and more than often, women) will talk about the other person A LOT! And then, it tends to die down once the affair starts up full blown.

[persevere]

The big thing that bothered me with his story is her telling him that, " Frank and I talked and we agreed that it would be okay bringing you to the Christmas party." What person has to confer with their boss as to who will be her plus one at an event? That struck me as really odd.

 

That one struck me as odd as well. Why a consultation with him about me going? Unless it was just to see if it was ok, since it was a company Christmas party. A smokescreen for the coworkers (see...they're not having an affair. She has a boyfriend).

She told me there was a woman who was there who didn't like her and was a B**ch to her. This woman was head of the finance dept. She would see all the expense reports of what they were doing together and knew what was up? Ex told me she didn't know why the woman didn't like her.

When we got there, there was a group of men that included her boss who were just kinda looking me over. I felt some friction. I met the boss very briefly. He did not look me in the eye when I shook his hand, looking at her instead. Not unfriendly but not welcoming either. I went over later to when he was with a group of cohorts to talk to him, and he sort of walked away. That one got me. He never went out of his way to talk to me further than the first, brief introduction.

He barely interacted with my ex the whole time at the party and left without saying goodbye to her, or me.

For the life of me, I could not figure out how she could be no praising of him and then see that and the type of person he was.

I told her her boss seemed distant to me at the party. She just shrugged it off as "he's like that in the beginning".

Also, this mans wife was not at the party. Most everyone else's spouses were there. She also told me she had never met his wife. Very odd.

Or, as previously mentioned..she was trying to rub me and her boss together as some sort of sick enjoyment. Perhaps to make him jealous.

Edited February 6, 2015 by persevere

[persevere]

Nah. Sorry dude, I respectfully don't agree with that. A lot of partners (and more than often, women) will talk about the other person A LOT! And then, it tends to die down once the affair starts up full blown.

 

So, by her name dropping all the time she is getting a rush as if by doing so he is there in her mind, while I am there in person? The last time I was at her place, he was at his other home in another state on his vacation and texted her. She said "Oh, a text from frank". No possible work related reason for that one.

[Moy]

Ahhhh, good old mentionitis...

[Spectre]

Dude, that's all just speculation. If anything, it indicates that she has a crush on him. Do you have any evidence?

 

 

What other red flags do you have? Does she guard her phone like Fort Knox? If she went into the shower and left her phone out, could you get in it and read some of her text conversations? What you she do if you said your phone was about to die or is dead and if you asked to borrow hers, would she freak or look uneasy?

 

 

But, more importantly, you've broken up with her! So, what should you care?

 

Even if she just had a crush on the boss..more then enough reason to dump her.

[Try]

Perhaps to make him jealous.

Well if she brought you to make him jealous, it worked. That is why he made her drop you.

[persevere]

Well if she brought you to make him jealous, it worked. That is why he made her drop you.

 

Exactly. Something a sociopath would do. Odds are she did not consult her boss about me coming to the party or did so against his wishes. The boss was very distant to me. That would explain the "there's a problem" remark she repeated a few times with no explanation during our last converstaion. The problem was him pulling her strings and not being happy with the love triangle/infringement on their affair and his reeling her back in.

Edited February 7, 2015 by persevere

[katlover]

I stopped reading about half way through.

 

Drop this bitch

[Chi townD]

Exactly. Something a sociopath would do. Odds are she did not consult her boss about me coming to the party or did so against his wishes. The boss was very distant to me. That would explain the "there's a problem" remark she repeated a few times with no explanation during our last converstaion. The problem was him pulling her strings and not being happy with the love triangle/infringement on their affair and his reeling her back in.

 

Nah dude. You were planned at that Christmas party. They definitely talked about it. I think that people at work were starting to talk. Therefore, you were invited to throw off the scent. There's probably is a morality clause at their work about managers dating subordinates and they needed you there so those people would question themselves and not think there was something going on.

 

 

Has she even tried to contact you since the break up?

[Chi townD]

So, by her name dropping all the time she is getting a rush as if by doing so he is there in her mind, while I am there in person? The last time I was at her place, he was at his other home in another state on his vacation and texted her. She said "Oh, a text from frank". No possible work related reason for that one.

 

Nah, it wasn't done to make you jealous. A lot of times, girls don't even realize they're doing it. It all stems back from when they were young girls when they didn't have a problem telling everyone who they liked. Even going as far as writing the guys name in their notebooks or schoolbooks. That kind of crap in hopes that the boy of their interest will hear about it and start showing interest himself.

[persevere]

Nah dude. You were planned at that Christmas party. They definitely talked about it. I think that people at work were starting to talk. Therefore, you were invited to throw off the scent. There's probably is a morality clause at their work about managers dating subordinates and they needed you there so those people would question themselves and not think there was something going on.

 

 

Has she even tried to contact you since the break up?

I got the sense I was planned to be there at the time. The way it was presented to me was mysterious. "Frank and I talked and think it would be ok if you went to the party". Not, "I'd like you to go to the party with me". I sort of blew it off that since it was a company xmas party for a small company, but my gut told me I was a smoke screen. What a horrible, immoral and sinister thing to do.

She sent me a text 5 days later " I hope you are okay ". This was the first day of her going back to work after the holidays. Nothing since. I thought that maybe people at work were asking about me and she felt guilty or perhaps she thought I was mad and, again, her boss told her to contact me.