Disclosure to adult chidren if trying to reconcile?

[Thicke2013]

I am the son of a serial WS. (My Father). I grew up in what I recall to be a happy family. Maybe I blocked bad memories out. There were some fights, but my recollection of my childhood is filled with mostly good memories.

 

I don't blame either parent for not telling me the truth early on. I was too young to deduce what was going on, so I focused on my childhood.

 

I can say there were benefits and drawbacks from not knowing the truth.

 

In hindsight I feel pity for my mother for putting up with my dad's infidelities. And I thank her for putting up a front so that I could enjoy a happy childhood. I thank my dad for working his ass off so I could attend college and prepare myself for the challenges that lied ahead. I thank my mom for forging the man I became, instilling values in me.

 

However I was aware that as a couple, they fought frequently. Nothing more than raising their voice to each other, but there was a lot of tension between them. I would ignore that thinking "that's what adults do". Because they would treat me kindly together.

 

The main drawback to this is that I was programmed to take whatever punishment my spouse threw at me and deal with it because marriage was supposed to endure everything no matter the cost. And I paid a very high price for living by that guideline, which was wrong.

 

Had I known at a younger age about my dad's infidelities and the suffering my mom was going through, I would have supported her more. I would have maybe given her the courage to do the right thing and leave him. I might have learned a lesson about dignity in relationships I never learned until my divorce.

 

However, had I known and been explained about my dad's infidelities at too young of an age, I might have grown up never respecting the man, thus lacking that second authority figure to set me right whenever my mom couldn't keep me under control.

 

I think there's a time Children need to know the Tooth Fairy doesn't exists.

 

I think there's a time Children need to know Santa Clause is not real.

 

And I think there comes a time when Children need to know the truth about their parents.

 

But it's subjective and unique to each family. You'll know when the time is right. There is a lessons to be learned from our mistakes that we should pass unto our children at some point when they are ready for the truth.

 

Anyways, it's just my opinion based on what I lived through.

 

 

This situation was almost identical to mine. My childhood was great by my account. My parents were both very loving to me and I had a lot of friends. It really was great. I think age most definitely plays a role and obviously every parent here knows there children better than any other so the decision should and will be there's whether or not to tell.

 

As for the infidelity when my dad was 4. I remember a lot of fighting so I wasn't too young to realize something was wrong. I was however too young to be told exactly what happened. That didn't stop my mom from making snippet comments about my dad and that whore. Still, my childhood was pretty amazing. Now, the second affair when I was 15, I was definitely old enough to know what was going on and should have been told at least to some degree I think. I was sort of led to believe mostly by what I overheard that my mom was still over reacting to what happened 11 years prior. I had no idea until I was in my 20's that it was a different affair.

 

It made me look at my dad different for a bit. My mom too. Had I known I could have been more compassionate towards her mood swings knowing the cause and not thinking she was somewhat of a nutcase who couldn't let something go. I would understand how even watching an adulteress scene on a tv show made her cry. Now I choose to look at both of them as what they are, human. I now know more about how my dad was raised and that most likely played a huge factor in his decisions. As an adult it helps to know what you come from and it does play a role in who you are today which is why I am an advocate for telling, at least some, at some point. That knowledge helped me a great deal when my own marriage was falling apart. See, by hiding everything from everyone and putting a smile on acting as if nothing was wrong taught me that as long as it looked good on the outside it didn't matter what the marriage was really like. Had I known sooner I wouldn't have stayed in an unhappy marriage as long as I did. I thought all relationships were that way.

 

On a side note, my parents will be married 40 years this coming August and I couldn't be more proud of them. They are truly happier now than they have ever been. I think they both finally learned from their mistakes and that along with the knowledge of the struggles they went through allow me to appreciate this anniversary even more. It shows me that hard work and dedication along with the necessary changes can overcome a lot of mistakes. Good luck to everyone on here. Life is difficult and our mistakes make it even harder.

Edited February 12, 2015 by Thicke2013

[Ralph79]

But i digress...I think the op is really discussing an affair that happens later in a marriage where adult children are present....not affairs that happened when the kids were small.

 

You're right about that part.

 

Speaking strictly of couples divulging information to their 20-something year old offspring, that find themselves in reconciliation recovering from a recent affair from either spouse (or both) I would have to chime in with the following:

 

Do I feel my parents were obligated to share their crisis when trying to reconcile while I was in my early 20's?

No. I don't believe they were, nor do I believe I was entitled to such information.

 

Do I feel my parents or I would have benefited from telling me about their problem when it was happening in my early 20's?

Yes, in both cases. My mother would have had a shoulder to cry on and a pillar of support instead of hiding the agony she was going through for our sake. I would've had a better understanding of their relationship struggles instead of merely thinking "this is how it's supposed to be".

 

Do I resent my parents for not telling me when this was going on years ago?

No. Specially when my mother had our best interest at heart. It was their choice to share or refrain from telling us.

 

Would I have pressured either parent to take action had I known?

No. I would've supported any decision the BS (in this case my mom), would taken.

 

Would I have thought less of the WS (my dad) as a person?

Yes.

 

Would I have thought less of the WS as a parent?

No.

 

Would I have demanded the WS do what I believed to be the right thing?

I would've proceeded in any manner the BS would've asked me to, for support. I would have given both my opinion, but not try to take control.

 

I think most reconciliations are not handled properly and I think affairs are merely swept under the rug, for any number of reasons, preserving family reputation, cohesion, comfort, etc...

 

But when this happens, I think parents send the wrong message to their children (even in their 20's), and set them on course to meet the same fate. Either as victims or perpetrators. Because when a Spouse's integrity is broken with no accountability for their actions, we as children start expanding our threshold for what is inexcusable behavior, because we are never told what is at the root of the problem.

 

EDIT: BTW, Of course I say this now in my mid 30's and after going through a "problematic" marriage of my own to say the least. I probably wouldn't have had the maturity to act the way I responded to this post, back then. But that is what I believe today.

Edited February 12, 2015 by Ralph79

[fellini]

Well as you noted, you are talking about in your case, not talking about an affair 30 years down the road.

 

My point was that although my child is now 10, Im not going to wait until she is 40 to discuss it with her. I will when I think she is ready to hear it, or if we end the reconciliation process, she will be told something about why - even if she is 12.

 

So I guess Im thinking if Im prepared to talk about it with a 10, 12 year old, Im going to have less problems talking about it if, and when, she is an adult woman, which in my book is more like 8 years from now than 30.

 

 

 

 

But i digress...I think the op is really discussing an affair that happens later in a marriage where adult children are present....not affairs that happened when the kids were small.

[sidney2718]

selfish...glad to know i am in good company:D

 

As many have said, it is complicated. I have been told by some older family members (who are all gone now) that my folks were separated for a number of months before I was born (I'm the oldest). They hinted at infidelity.

 

I have never been able to find out the truth of it. And that is sad because my parents had a long-lived but very stormy relationship in which my brother and I were small boats tossed in the waves of a tempest. We never understood where the storm came from.

 

Today, of course, I can speculate and even found out some circumstantial evidence (Google can be your friend, so can public records.) But I can't know.

 

But I'm hardly a child now. And the truth was successfully repressed in this case.

 

However, I still think that in today's atmosphere where the number of broken marriages is very high, any affair of any real length will cast shadows on kid's lives. And when the fecal matter hits the rotating device, the kids need to know what is going on.

 

They do not need details, but they will have questions. Any decent parents will answer those questions without blaming the other parent for anything, no matter how hard it is to do that.

 

Just my opinion, worth what you paid for it!

[sidney2718]

Our daughter enrolled in the same college i had attended and where i met the om....(she went to the day care there during the time of my affair). The daycare director was still there 14 years later and i was afraid she might say something to our daughter (she was one of the very few people that knew about my affair) so i told our daughter. As it turned out...i did not need to tell her, but i did not want to take that chance. My husband regrets that our daughter knows. I will say...we (my daughter and i) don't discuss the affair.

So i truly wish i had just kept my mouth shut.

 

We have two different issues here. I am in favor of telling the kids when there is a divorce on the horizon. The storm is going to hit them and they need to know what it is. They don't need details, but they do need truth.

 

Affairs are a different story. I don't believe that you (Mrs. JA) were ever really separated from Mr. JA. So to a teen aged child all they might notice is tension between wife and husband, and telling them is optional unless they start asking questions. One shouldn't lie. And if the kids are younger than that, I doubt they should be told unless there is a good reason to. Mrs JA had, in my opinion, a good reason to tell her daughter. But again, Divorce seems not to have been a major issue with the JA's. (Of course, I could be wrong again...

[HereNorThere]

Not all cheaters are the same, but ultimately, if you engage in pattern of deception that willfully hurts your family, the other members of the family unit have a right to know so they can protect themselves. When you have children, you aren't just purposely hurting your spouse, you're purposely hurting your children as well. Those children (given they are old enough to understand) have every right to use caution or not get as close/intimate with a parent that doesn't always have their best interest at heart. Also, they need information to chose the best role models. You obviously don't want your children to pick this behavior or think it's acceptable, so it's best they know the truth about the adult figures in their life.

 

I know it's taboo on this forum, but most people don't like to admit that infidelity reflects on parenting skills as well. No one who puts their children first would risks their future by tainting their happy home, setting a poor example, destroying their other parent, creating an unhealthy home environment, etc. Lying about the true nature of reality only adds to the child's issues later in life.

Edited February 16, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sidney....we never ever separated....and our children were 4 and 8...and we both agreed there was need to tell them or other family members...with exception of my parents...who supported John and encouraged reconciliation.

 

Herenorthere...I was and am a wonderful parent...I was the disciplinarian, the care giver...and the decision maker 90% of the time for our children. My affair...was short lived...and I did not sacrifice my children...though had we not reconciled...I certainly could have. I accept that responsibility...that I thought of me over my family....

 

But since we never separated....never stopped having sex..never had separate bedrooms...etc..our young children were never aware anything had happened.

 

All they ever witnessed was two parents who love each other.

[HereNorThere]

 

Herenorthere...I was and am a wonderful parent...I was the disciplinarian, the care giver...and the decision maker 90% of the time for our children. My affair...was short lived...and I did not sacrifice my children...though had we not reconciled...I certainly could have. I accept that responsibility...that I thought of me over my family....

 

 

Your situation may be different because it was a one time event early in their childhood, but it still put them at risk. Children from divorced homes having incidence of drugs, alcohol, depression, mental illness and eventually go on to have higher divorce rates. Also, having a parent that has to deal with the burden of shame, guilt and depression from being married to a cheater, indirectly takes away from their happy environment.

 

Sorry, but hurting your kid's parent also hurts them. It sounds like your damage was minimal, but it doesn't mean that you put them first. In that instance, you put their future at risk for sex with a stranger. There really is no way around that simple truth.

[Mrs. John Adams]

yes you are correct i put them at risk...and i stated that and took responsibility for that decision.

 

Thank God my affair was very short and had no lasting impact on them...Our "kids" are 36 and 39....I think I can safely say they are fine. It Could have been very different...but it isn't.

[HereNorThere]

yes you are correct i put them at risk...and i stated that and took responsibility for that decision.

 

Thank God my affair was very short and had no lasting impact on them...Our "kids" are 36 and 39....I think I can safely say they are fine. It Could have been very different...but it isn't.

 

I admire your honesty. Personally, I think that's what separates the people who make a "mistake" and those who are truly wicked people. Seeing the the lengths that most cheaters will go to preserve their ego while committing heinous acts against their loved ones really shakes me to my core. Those who are willing to be completely honest about how disgusting and vile their actions are/were seem to have a better chance at eventually redeeming themselves. It's the people who are able to convince themselves of non-truths that are truly dangerous.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Even before i understood true remorse...I never blame shifted...I always accepted responsibility....and i told the whole truth.

 

No doubt about it...I did an evil thing and i have no one to blame but me. Things COULD have been so much worse....not that they were not bad enough...but we don't what if and build scenarios that did not happen...it is what it is

 

Our kids are great kids and we have 5 terrific grand kids. None is affected by what I did...they could have been...true enough.

 

They all know mawmaw and pawpaw are very in love and very happy. I have a lot to be thankful for...and i never take it for granted.

[autumnnight]

Mrs. A, I love the way you and Mr A post here.

 

Understand, though, that because your story is happy, it is going to hold up an unflattering mirror to the chosen bitterness of some.

 

I happen to love it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It took us a very long time to achieve what we have...We have never ever claimed to know all the answers...we have never claimed that we did everything right...if we had...I would never have had an affair in the first place. I have done so many things wrong...

 

While i am new to LS...I am not a new kid on the block. I have been attacked...viciously...my story has been changed...my remorse questioned...scenarios written...the whole gamete. I would be lying if i told you it doesn't sometimes hurt...it does. I am extremely sensitive...I am a pleaser...I want to be accepted.

 

I tell my story honestly...I tell the good, the bad and the ugly...I try to answer every question...I accept full responsibility for my actions. I don't trickle truth...I don't blame shift...

 

HOWEVER...

I totally understand that i represent pain and hurt for many....and sometimes they are straightforward and their words accusatory....and there are lines that get crossed...but honestly...for the most part i do not take it personally....because I have deep compassion for those who hurt and suffer because of infidelity. I have felt welcomed here...i like it here. I am a paid member. I am beginning to understand some of those i have interacted with.

 

Our purpose here..it so offer support and encouragement to others who are hurting or searching. We don't attempt to fix others...because every situation is different. But I will be your biggest cheerleader and i will listen to what you have to say. I may not always agree....because we are all allowed to have our own opinions and to voice them. Disagreement and banter is good...because it helps us to broaden our horizons and views. I am very open minded and accepting of others.

 

If my being here causes problems...if it causes me extreme hurt....I will grow silent...

 

 

So far so good...

 

and as for this thread...I say again...each couple has to make the decision to disclose to their children..based on their individual situation. There is not right or wrong answer....we do what is right for US. Life is full of mistakes...we learn from the mistakes and grow as individuals....and do our best to not make the same mistakes twice. Raising children is guess work...we do the best we can. They don't come with instruction manuals.We have made mistakes with our kids....but they have turned out to be good, responsible adults...not because we did everything right...but despite the mistakes we made.

[motoducati]

Mrs. Adams:

 

 

You told your daughter of the affair to avoid her being surprised by the former Day Care Director. What caused the affair to be discussed with the Director in the first place? Didn't anyone else on campus approach you about your interactions with the professor and his reputation/behavior prior to the lunch date?

 

 

What led to John's questioning you about the lunch date with the professor a couple weeks after you revealed it to him? Was his night class at the same college you were attending and he heard a rumor about an English professor involved with a married student and became suspicious?

 

 

Were you still a member of the college choir during this semester?

 

 

I think you and your husband are a breath of fresh air on these forums and I value your commentaries.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs. Adams:

 

 

You told your daughter of the affair to avoid her being surprised by the former Day Care Director. What caused the affair to be discussed with the Director in the first place? Didn't anyone else on campus approach you about your interactions with the professor and his reputation/behavior prior to the lunch date?

 

The only interaction i had with OM was in a classroom setting with 40 other people in the room. No one knew about the lunch date...no one told me anything about him....he was my instructor. There was no reason for anyone to discuss him with me. I did not tell anyone about the note or the lunch date with the exception of the day care director. She and i were "friends" and i confided in her about the om. She is the one who even recommended the MC we went to see afterwards.

 

 

What led to John's questioning you about the lunch date with the professor a couple weeks after you revealed it to him? Was his night class at the same college you were attending and he heard a rumor about an English professor involved with a married student and became suspicious?

 

I confessed to john about the lunch date. I told him there was another man. He then began questioning me about the affair.

 

John went to a different school. He heard no rumors about anything...he would never have known had i not told him

 

 

Were you still a member of the college choir during this semester?

yes...not sure what that has to do with anything since the om was not the choir director...My affair was in october 1983....I graduated in may 1984

 

 

I think you and your husband are a breath of fresh air on these forums and I value your commentaries.

 

thank you...i hope we help