The fling while she was away...

[LePoid]

A long one here for you all but very descriptive and I hope well written. Lots is left out of course. But right now...

 

I have to share..

 

Sooo.. 3 months ago I met this amazing girl from Europe and we really hit it off. She's 26, I'm 30. She came to stay with me for a while and after a week or two she was in my bed every night after that. We went on an amazing road trip together for almost a month and grew really close.

 

She's never experienced orgasm with another person before. We both got ourselves tested for STD's, all clear. So we had lots of amazing sex and she says, and I can see it, that I've got her close to orgasm. With a bit more practice, I know I can take her there. I have read enough about it and I withhold my own at every chance I get.

 

So for about 2 weeks before she left to go on her big coastal trip with her friend from home, she had a UTI and we couldn't have sex. I was OK with that. However at this time, a lot of friends were staying in the house for Christmas, ego and jealousy was everywhere and it became too much for the both of us. I could feel her pulling herself away and pushing me away. We were distant and I naturally tried to rescue the situation, reconnect and in turn, made her feel more uncomfortable.

 

So she went for 3 weeks away with this friend of hers, as she had always planned, to go and have an epic time away with her. And she did. I call these 3 weeks of hell. I had a lot of personal stuff come up, I got a lot done and cleared a lot of stuff out my house and life. But and the way she left, almost shooing me away like a lost dog, left me hurting. Wrongfully, I took it personally.

 

Through her trip, she messaged me on and off and sent me kisses, said she missed me and so on, which helped. But towards the end she would tell me it's too much, she doesn't want a relationship and so on but she still really likes me and wants to be 100% honest with me...

 

So after she came back, we both set everything aside and after her friend had gone the next day, naturally we were back in each others arms again. We had both matured to a level where she had gone and felt free and I wasn't needy or emotional or all over her and she felt comfortable with me again.

 

She'd gotten on the phone to hear her results back from her UTI tests that she'd done before she left. The doctor mentioned that a different partner might change something but it looked clear. Curious, I had to ask and she said she hadn't had any other partners while she was away.

 

But still, something wasn't right with her. I could see it. Also, something wasn't right with her vagina. It didn't, (and still doesn't) smell right. Was it the UTI? We still don't know. I'm guessing thrush. We tried having sex once but she pulled herself off me, saying she had some pain.

 

So she planned to see a doctor again once she had done some work and earned money. I thought it was silly to wait and had just been paid so I offered to take her to to a doctor and pay for it. $130. After the appointment I took her to the pathology lab to get the tests done. The sheets the doctor had given her were put on the counter and I saw "STD" written down.

 

Knowing we had already been tested, my mind clicked and realized what she had been holding onto since she had been back. The pathology quoted $260 for all the tests that were to be done and I handed over (but wanted to throw) the money to her without being able to look at her. I asked her, with blood boiling in my veins, if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She said we'd talk about it over dinner that night.

 

They took her blood while I gently paced around the room, we got in the car and I got her to admit it to me. Yes, she had slept with someone while she was away. Of course my reaction was shock, anger and hurt among other things. I was emotional and I was direct. But I didn't yell at her. I had to know. We had time with other company in the car to cool off. Then we went and had lunch, as I had to talk about it with her.

 

Initially I felt completely lied to, abused, hurt and cheated on. For all I knew, she could have passed on an STD to me. However, I kept my head and my heart screwed in place.

 

I didn't want to loose this girl over my own selfish emotional reaction.

I had seen that she had feelings for me and I didn't want to hurt her.

I didn't want her to live with guilt or regret. She cares about me.

I told her that I forgave her. I couldn't let myself suffer over it.

 

So we talked it out. She'd said she decided not to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. It only saddened me more to know how she must have felt that she had to hold herself back from telling me for my sake. Because she was afraid that it would hurt me. That all the closeness and distance that she said she needed was because of the guilt she'd felt.

 

After all this was over, we had mutually agreed to let it go for the sake of ourselves and each other. I didn't want to know details as I felt it would hurt me. Now, Things have been really good between us. We still maintain a mature distance day to day and when we meet and touch each, it feels better and closer than before.

 

She told herself before coming here, that she said she'd not get into a relationship while she's here. Yet we've grown really close together and we still really have a deep affection for each other. She admitted to me the other day, with a tear rolling down her cheek, that yes, we are in a relationship. That if I slept with anyone else that she would feel hurt.

 

She came to this country to stand on her own feet, explore and make the most of her time. I hope she does that. I have been taking really good care of her and made her feel safe. But too comfortable and safe compared to what she came here to do. She wants to continue on her journey after staying with me a while longer and I want to let her go, because I love her. She says she'll miss me and she will feel alone. I only hope she does her best out there and comes back to me when she's ready.

 

I told her that when she goes, I won't be looking for love. She said neither will she. But she can't promise she won't sleep with anyone. So I did the same. But we can't tell each other about it. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

 

The reason I am writing this all out now is because I did something stupid. No I didn't cheat on her but I invaded her privacy and refueled all my hurt, jealous emotions.

 

I woke from a dream at maybe 4am this morning. In the dream she was on the phone to someone and said she "had a great time last night" in a sexy kind of way to whoever was on the other end. I woke up, I had been sweating, everything had come up again. I couldn't get back to sleep thinking about everything that had happened around her fling. Her alarm eventually went off, hit snooze and we ever so sweetly cuddled and I felt healed. She got up to get ready for work.

 

So many times have I seen her unlock her phone so I knew her code. So while she was in the bathroom, my curiosity got the better of me. I looked into her messages, almost instantly found the guy she slept with and read almost everything. I know, I'm a ****ing idiot.

 

Early on in the text there was some very dirty exchanges that I could barely read. They talked about not using a condom and that he had been tested and been ok. Later, I read that he is interested in some other girl and the latest messages talked about me and how she liked me a lot.

 

I looked him up on Facebook. He's a lot younger than her so I really can see that they were just playing. I felt ****ing ashamed to be doing all this and hurt and angry at the same time. I blocked him and his friends that she has on her friends list so that I never have to look at his face again.

 

I don't know how to continue. I only want things to be good between us but I feel sooo bad that I not only invaded her privacy but fueled my curiosity to the point feeling hurt and jealous.

 

I told her about my dream over breakfast and that I had been awake all morning thinking about what happened. She replied by saying 'You know I am a free woman'. She also expressed that she felt 'too close' again, talking about it. But I only feel that this 'free woman' and 'too close' business means I am fueling her guilt. We talked it out, talked about everything about our uncertain future on the ride to work. We both felt better after.

 

But I don't know if I will be able to let it go. I will carry around the guilt for looking at her messages if I don't tell her. If I tell her, I feel like everything will explode, it will be too much for both of us and she will leave me. I feel like I should tell her to leave me and move on because I feel hurt. But at the same time, I just want to be with her and forget all of it ever happened.

 

We have grown and learned so much together and we have an opportunity, I feel, to develop true love, no matter where we both are in the country or on the planet. She has about 7 months left here.

 

There have been moments when even just talking about how good she feels with me that if I make her orgasm, she'll have to marry me. She says I would make a great Dad and that she could always find it easy to live with me.

 

She's my dream girl and I don't want to loose her, be dishonest or hold onto any regret, shame or hurt. I don't want us to hurt each other.

 

So we find out the results of her pathology tests tomorrow morning. I only prey nothing bad comes up and that she just has thrush or something. I know this is almost instantly curable. I still feel angry that she would go and have unprotected sex someone else and allow me to pay for her tests AFTER having unprotected sex with me.

 

It's been over two weeks since she's been back and we've only had sex for less than a minute. Although the kissing, touching, massages and erotic and sensual stuff without intercourse has been AMAZING lately, I feel like sex is the missing ingredient that is preventing us from completely healing our relationship and our selves from the past, no matter what happens in the future.

 

She has a work social thing on tonight, is meeting her other friend from home tomorrow after the test results and probably going away for work the day after that. Although I'm happy she's keeping busy as it is good for our relationship, I feel time is running out for us to truly reconnect the way we both want to. I want to spend good time with her before she goes away. I want her to open herself completely to me so I can touch her without touching wounds that hurt her, instead, make her feel so incredible to a point where she lets go of everything that holds her back.

 

If you got this far, I hope you enjoyed the read.

 

I only feel I can open up here about everything as I do not want to discuss this with friends. This is between me and her. I do not want my close friends influencing my own feelings and decisions because I know what they're like. They'll only want to protect me.

 

I feel so very sure that she talks about everything openly with at least one of her friends from home in her own language that I can't understand and that this effects her actions in some way. Makes her feel better about it at least.

 

But I am stuck, alone with this knowledge. I look at my friends like a spell is stopping me from talking about it. I'm barely even able to talk with her about it without giving her this guilty 'too close' feeling that she is so repulsed over. This emotional hurt version of me that she is so afraid of that I refuse to be.

 

So I had to let it out. Somewhere. Take from it what you will & share your thoughts if you care to, I will appreciate them. Know that I know where I stand in all this and thank you for allowing me to share.

Edited February 6, 2015 by LePoid
English fail. Added a thought.

[mickleb]

This is so unbalanced it's just horrible.

 

You care way more about her than she does for you and giving her multiple orgasms isn't going to change that.

 

She's lied to and cheated on you. She's let you pay for the cost of her tests after putting your health at risk and only 'fessed up when she couldn't deny it.

 

You forgave her so now she's upped the ante and just admitted she's going to sleep with whomever she wishes. At least, at this point, she was being honest. You, again, went along with it.

 

You've, basically, agreed to terms you are extremely unhappy with. If you wake up sweating and start checking her phone, that's all on you, now, I'm afraid. You are so fearful you will lose her you'll agree to anything. Even though it sounds like she'll be on her merry way in a matter of months, anyway.

 

Let it go. She is not the woman you want her to be and never will be. She's not that into you but recognises how much you've bent over backwards to be nice to her, so keeps you around. Please wake up to the shallow reality of this.

[hoping2heal]

I think Def Leppard wrote a song about this.

 

How did it go again..oh yeah, f-f-foolin'..f-f-foolin'

 

That is what you are doing. Fooling yourself. This woman does not want to be with you and if she did, she sure as hell wouldn't feel "gross" over the prospect of you being emotional. She doesn't see you the way that you see her. She might like you as a person, and enjoy having sex with you, but she does not see you as relationship material and it is quite sad that you would accept that and try to accommodate it even, deluding yourself into believing that will somehow lead to her changing her mind.

 

She's already had sex with you, she's already spent time with you. It isn't there. You're not going to grow roses from your cabbage patch...wow, that sounded weird but you get the point I think.

[Satu]

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I have to say this straight out:

 

You're deluded.

 

You're just some nice guy she met.

 

Thats all you'll ever be to her.

 

Just some guy.

[ascendotum]

She'd said she decided not to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. It only saddened me more to know how she must have felt that she had to hold herself back from telling me for my sake. Because she was afraid that it would hurt me. That all the closeness and distance that she said she needed was because of the guilt she'd felt.

You're sad for her shagging another guy on her trip and having to bear the guilt, and you paid for the STD test to find out. You're love sick for her. Slap yourself far saying this shyte. Every cheater can claim that.

 

She came to stay with you in your country, because she was crazy for you and wanted to take the next step towards something long term OR was it a case of enjoying a holiday in your country and your place as a rent free base from which to do her road trips away? I get why you feel hurt because you really love but she never really had the title of girl friend from what I could see.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to get away from her. She is deceptive and self-serving: you paid for the STD test she needed because she slept with a guy who is not you. Read that again.

 

She's just not that into you, OP. This malarkey about giving her an orgasm isn't going to change a darn thing, and you're attaching far too much importance to that.

 

By the way, get yourself tested too.

[Radu]

What country in Europe is she from ?

 

I agree with the rest ... she is fooling you and preparing you for being a constant cuckold.

Edited February 6, 2015 by Radu

[Lion Heart]

LePoid, we all must have read all of your thread to respond. I didn't want to but you're asking for help because you need it.

 

I admire you for seeking answers. Though You may not like them.

 

Firstly the actual "girl of your dreams" is gonna KNOW that you're the guy of HER dreams. If those people exist. Now this OTHER girl is not only going to want to see your emotional side (unless you're unstable), she will crave to see it so that she can fall in love with ALL of you. That level of maturity in love comes with knowing she'd be willing to grow old with you, your looks will melt away but your inner self and emotional side is a lasting thing.

 

This traveller is just not that into you. She is shoving part of you back in the box and making ridiculous excuses to you about why. She's still "with" you BECAUSE. ... SHE HASNT FINISHED USING YOU.

 

Do the 180. Pack her stuff. Pi** her off out of your life.

 

I live in a country, also, that lots of foreigners want to travel in and many want to stay here. Similar to yours I'd imagine. I've witnessed this happen over and over again to sweet, unsuspecting people. I've seen so much and the worst parts involved unprotected sex. Pregnancies and many many deluded people marrying these users only to find out years later (after the users bore the number of children they wanted) that the rights to stay in the country, level of child support etc are far better than their home country.

 

No way am I saying that all travellers are users. Nor all foreigners etc.

 

Users can be any nationality.

 

Good luck

 

Lion Heart.

[BeholdtheMan]

It sounds like you're desperately clinging to her. Please stop.

 

This is a woman who had sex with some other dude, contracted an STD, and would've kept you in the dark about the sex except you saw her STD test results. She is not a keeper and you'd be a weak and foolish man to cling to her.

[dental]

LePoid,

 

It seems like you are rapidly losing yourself. Your justifications sound Disneylike. You look at the world now through pink glasses. This is not real. Reality is that this girl is just a girl. Period. A girl who cheated on you, will cheat on you and sees you as an enabler. You serve a purpose. You're handy, for instance for paying medical bills. If you're not useful anymore to her, she will not spend a single second thinking of your very existence. Why should she? Do you think you have been the only suitor? Ouch. How do I know? I was like you a long time ago. See this as it is, a good experience for life, a little callous on your soul. And move on.

[LoveRefreshed]

Stop being her fall back guy man. Tell her what you want, and if she says she can't give that to you, walk away. Don't say much, just tell her it was great to know her and leave. Don't contact her, and she might chase after you. Stand firm by your ground that you want an exclusive relationship if that is what you want. She didn't really cheat because you never agreed to exclusivity.

 

Not sure where in europe you two are from, but here is one of my favorite russian quotes.

 

"Чем меньше женщину мы любим, тем больше нравимся мы ей"

Means something like the less we like a woman, the more she loves us.

 

 

You walk away and she might chase you if you really are special to her.

[road]

Yes she is your dream girl. A nightmare. She does not want to settle down. At least not with you. You are providing housing for her as she needs it. She pays for it with giving you good times.

[Darren Steez]

I read it then gave up when he somehow beautifully twisted and justified her cheating on him... good luck bro!

[WisdomHunter]

Tough situation...and the doctor's visit? Wow! That's one helluva way to find out the woman you care about is sleeping with another guy(s) AND that she's now contracted an STD.

 

As she said...she is indeed a "free woman" to do as she so chooses. Unfortunately, you had to resort to some less than stellar tactics to find out the truth (understandable since she wasn't being completely honest with you about her activities while away.)

 

Know that her infidelity has very little to do with you...more than likely it's an effort on her part to escape who she is at the present moment. In a profound way...it's a form of growth for her and an extremely painful betrayal and setback for you.

 

I've been a private online dating & relationship coach for some time now and I've got to tell you...I hear ALOT of this from my clients. Is she cheating? Will he come back to me? Or...He broke up with me because of my insecurities and the accusations irritated him so much - he pulled away!

 

Is there anything I can do to get him back or should I just face the reality that my behavior and non-stop neediness killed my relationship with him and move on.

 

Advice is just that...someone's opinion of what YOU should do. If, after reading through all the posts/advice in this thread, you still find yourself stuck or unable to move past this event - feel free to contact me privately if you'd like to discuss it further.

 

Whether it's to gain a better understanding of why you feel the way you do or if you just want to explore this a little deeper in an effort to get past this betrayal.

 

I can share some resources/articles from my personal library that I believe would be beneficial for you at this point to gain some clarity and a better understanding - allowing you to take away some positives from this experience, start the healing, and make yourself stronger for the next go 'round.

 

Go forth and be awesome!

 

WisdomHunter

[smackie9]

Good lord stop being such a doormat. Obviously she has no self respect or self control. Unprotected sex with a stranger? there is no excuse for such irresponsible behavior, kick her to the curb!

[Satu]

It seems that the OP has left the building...

[LePoid]

Nope, I've been watching and reading. Thanks, really. Harsher realities aren't so tough, I realize most of it. Sussing it all out. Can't leave her as she stays with me. No STD's confirmed yet. Waiting till monday now :\ Thrush is a girl thing she'll get rid of. I'm not hanging my hopes on her anymore, I only want to screw her brains out before she goes.

[Satu]

Glad that you're still with us.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Spectre]

She is a ho who cheated on you when she went on vacation, there is NOTHING more to say.

[mickleb]

Nope, I've been watching and reading. Thanks, really. Harsher realities aren't so tough, I realize most of it. Sussing it all out. Can't leave her as she stays with me. No STD's confirmed yet. Waiting till monday now :\ Thrush is a girl thing she'll get rid of. I'm not hanging my hopes on her anymore, I only want to screw her brains out before she goes.

 

Yeah, you can leave her: you can kick her out. That'll make you feel a whole lot better than shagging her unsanitary fanny.

[BeatsByDirk]

I don't think you'll be able to get it in before she goes!

It sounds like she lost respect for you before the trip with all the clingyness and closeness on your part.

It seems like she has legitimate reason for holding out and there is some back story to support the idea that she could be purposefully holding out.

 

From what you said it sounds like she thinks you are gross but you are a decent commodity so she can't just throw you away.

 

Your like an unemployment check! She hates that she needs you, down plays you to everyone else but your still good enough she doesn't need anything else, she can just pick some extra up on the side when need be.

 

You shouldn't let yourself get used cuz it's bad for self esteem.

[Lion Heart]

Stop being her fall back guy man. Tell her what you want, and if she says she can't give that to you, walk away. Don't say much, just tell her it was great to know her and leave. Don't contact her, and she might chase after you. Stand firm by your ground that you want an exclusive relationship if that is what you want. She didn't really cheat because you never agreed to exclusivity.

 

Not sure where in europe you two are from, but here is one of my favorite russian quotes.

 

"Чем меньше женщину мы любим, тем больше нравимся мы ей"

Means something like the less we like a woman, the more she loves us.

 

 

You walk away and she might chase you if you really are special to her.

 

 

Love those quotes.

 

Another one my friend has used for decades "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" works for her!

 

My favourite "So many men (women), so little time!"

 

Employ such quotes as necessary.

Spotting a user is difficult for a nice person.

I don't blame you one iota for wanting to screw her brains out but man just use condoms. Protect your sexual health so you're all clean for the next girl. She's worth protecting too.

 

LH

[LePoid]

so no STI just some weird infection thank goodness. should clear up soon.

ive stopped treating her like a princess, im being tough. also got my eye on a few other girls. re activated tinder hahaha well see what happens. shes horny as ever

[Satu]

Glad to hear that there's no health risk for you

[LePoid]

Yea I wasn't too worried about it.

 

I spoke to two of my friends, both female, got the feedback I needed.

 

Younger one I got on the phone to who has her own boy troubles and dependency issues told me to get rid of her and save myself, as her responsibility regarding safe sex is an absolute betrayal of trust and respect. She's in a very confused relationship.

 

The other friend I spoke to, an older lady, real wise one too, especially when it comes to these matters, said I have a choice. That the wisest would be to get her to pack her bags as there are serious trust issues that would get in the way of a genuine experience together. However, I spoke to her about some of the detail regarding the situation. No we are not meant for each other in the long term. But at the moment we are comfortable and have worked it out.

 

So she said, that so long as I'm comfortable, that the best thing for us, if we can handle each others company and be open with each other, is to let the moments last. Enjoy it while it's there. It IS there. She knows I won't let her take advantage of me. She has a bill she has to pay off and she knows it. But if we both can't be open to each other then forget it, I'll pack her bags if i have to.

 

The other day she's actually admitted to me that I am the perfect guy for her but now is not the right time. I'm not going to play into this carrot dangling business but I can tell she means it. And she knows I'm going to give her a kick up the boot soon if she doesn't get on with her travels. I'm not going to sit at home with my penis in my hand waiting for her either. She knows that now and she doesn't like it.

 

She really wants me now that she can see me letting go of her. She's holding on to a lot of **** but I'm allowing her to return all the love I gave her while I hold onto whatever I have left for myself. It's nice. Her vag problems will be over soon and I know she wants to stay for another 2 months. I'll get all my money back, we can do it like rabbits then we can say goodbye on good loving terms. Or I might decide in a week that I want her out.

 

I'll see and listen carefully to how I feel.

Who knows what the future will hold.