My parents infidelity is affecting me

[Tuutuu22]

When I was younger my parents went through a lot and I was too young to understand and I'm 16 going to be 17 in two weeks and it's starting to affect me. My dad was abusive towards my mom Physicly and emotionally. I hate him for that. My mom talked to someone online and had an affair with the guy in hopes that he would free her of my dad and give us a better life. However he was just some sleezball looking for sex. I don't understand why my mom did what she did. I don't ever believe cheating is the right answer and what she did hurts me till this day. When I try to talk to her calmly about how it hurts me she yells and says I'm an abuser like my father and she only did it to try and give us a better life. I'm not an abuser I don't want to be like my parents I'm ashamed of them. I have trust issues and im in love with th I'd I am dating now but I'm realizing how much my parents problems are affecting me and my relationships. My boyfriend is nothing like my dad but I just don't trust any one. I fear I will marry someone like my dad and make the same mistakes. I fear I am an abuser like my mom says. I don't talk about it with any one because im embarresed and ashamed I don't want to tell my boyfriend I fear he will view me differently he comes from a healthy and happy home. I'm ashamed, scared and upset I don't know what is going on in my head or How I get over this?

[anika99]

First of all you are not an abuser just because you tried to express your feelings to your mother. Your mother's reaction indicates that she has no remorse or empathy for the people she has hurt, not even her own child. And she did not have an affair for your sake. Don't buy that nonsense. The only person she was thinking off while she was messing around with another man was herself! How did she think bringing infidelity into a home that was already dysfunctional and abusive was going to help her children? She sounds delusional.

 

 

I totally get why you have issues. One parent is abusive, the other is disloyal and dishonest. Of course this is going to have an effect on you and your future relationships. Recognizing that your parents coping skills are dysfunctional and wrong is the first step to ensuring you break the cycle and don't repeat their mistakes. Many children from dysfunctional homes see their lives as normal and don't realize that there is a better way, but it sounds like you are fully aware of the dysfunctional behaviour so you are already ahead. At some point you may want to do some counselling and look into reading some self help books to give you some deeper understanding of how your family ticks and to give yourself some tools to help you break free.

 

 

As much as we don't want to turn out like our parents, we often find ourselves doing so anyways. Our parents have a powerful role in our behaviors and our futures. Obviously your mother isn't open to discussing your feelings but would she help you get therapy? You need someone to talk to.

[Tuutuu22]

First of all you are not an abuser just because you tried to express your feelings to your mother. Your mother's reaction indicates that she has no remorse or empathy for the people she has hurt, not even her own child. And she did not have an affair for your sake. Don't buy that nonsense. The only person she was thinking off while she was messing around with another man was herself! How did she think bringing infidelity into a home that was already dysfunctional and abusive was going to help her children? She sounds delusional.

 

 

I totally get why you have issues. One parent is abusive, the other is disloyal and dishonest. Of course this is going to have an effect on you and your future relationships. Recognizing that your parents coping skills are dysfunctional and wrong is the first step to ensuring you break the cycle and don't repeat their mistakes. Many children from dysfunctional homes see their lives as normal and don't realize that there is a better way, but it sounds like you are fully aware of the dysfunctional behaviour so you are already ahead. At some point you may want to do some counselling and look into reading some self help books to give you some deeper understanding of how your family ticks and to give yourself some tools to help you break free.

 

 

As much as we don't want to turn out like our parents, we often find ourselves doing so anyways. Our parents have a powerful role in our behaviors and our futures. Obviously your mother isn't open to discussing your feelings but would she help you get therapy? You need someone to talk to.

 

I asked to talk to someone my mom says we can't afford it because my dad spent money on a stripper. Which I was also already aware of. I'm ordering s book called children of infidelity maybe that will help. I don't know who to talk to about it I have no friends I trust they all put me down in some wayor another and I don't want my boyfriend knowing. I guess self help books is my only option

[Radu]

I think you are already way above your parents ... which is both inspiring and ... depressing.

 

You have more options than those.

Yes ... there are help books but there are also forums ... like this one.

Basically coming from a family like yours what is messed up is the lack of good honest normal boundaries.

You don't have them ... or you fear that you don't have them.

 

The fact that you are questioning this at your age makes you ... unbelievably mature and ensures that long term you will end up a very normal and healthy adult.

You need to realize that you will be normal and healthy ... because if you can imagine it ... if you can visualize it ... it will happen ... you will find a way to make it happen.

 

Read these forums ... read them and see how other ppl dealt with boundaries.

Read the books ... and search google for support forums for kids of parents who go through divorce.

Finally ... even if you don't tell [and once you are better you should tell your bf] ... you need to understand that it is not shamefull to have gone through it.

 

Many on these boards have gone through other things they have found shamefull at the time but they moved beyond that.

 

PS: I still find it hard to admit to others in RL that i went through physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my grandfather and my elementary school teacher ... about 7yrs in all and then it tapered off over the next 4yrs.

[stellamaria]

You really sound so mature and enlightened, and like previous posters have said, this proves you're better than both of your parents already.

 

You would benefit from counselling, so you know and believe you can have successful relationships. Sounds like your mum could also benefit from counselling.

[Radu]

OP ... i thought about it and i don't think you should tell your bf for now.

 

Part of being an adult ... a real adult ... is to fix your problems ... of not wanting others to fix them for you.

In this manner i think you are very mature.

 

Ppl who end up in your situation might want to look at their SO as someone who can 'fix them' ... who can center them.

If you tell your bf he will want to help you and protect you [i'm a guy ... i know this ... it's our instinct].

This could lead to a slippery slope where you end up with wanting other ppl to fix you.

This off-course does not apply to therapy ... though in that case there are also ppl who look at therapy as something that should fix them and are not proactive enough about it.

 

So ... in summation.

Keep reading books ... read forums ... ask questions and challenge perceptions.

And once you are ready ... tell your bf; but also make sure he understands this is your problem that you want to fix it and that while you thank him for his desire to help ... it is for you to conquer.

 

I wish i had your maturity back when i was your age.

Unfortunately ... i only started to challenge and question things when i was 28.

[bathtub-row]

I understand what you're going through but I would like to see you have more compassion toward your mom. What she probably really needs to hear from you is that you are sorry that she was with such a horrible person who treated her so badly that she went outside the marriage to find comfort. What I would feel the strongest about is the fact that your mother was abused and that your father is such a horrible person. Your mother's cheating is nothing compared to that. Why all the focus on her cheating? Your dad was kind of begging for that, wasn't he?

 

Your mother is probably defensive about you asking because she wants your sympathy, not your judgement. Deep inside, she knows that she should've just left her crappy husband and probably hates that she put you through such a thing. I don't know the circumstances but it's very possible that your mother felt trapped and that the only way to escape was to find a savior. Can you imagine her severe pain and depression when that fell through? She was betrayed by yet another man.

 

Her best choice would've been to leave your dad, of course. Still, I'm thinking she tried to do what she thought was best, to the best of her ability. I know it affected you and that's why people in abusive relationships should get out as soon as possible. But I think your mom needs your compassion more than anything else. She has probably had a very hard and sad life.

[loveboid]

There is something called trauma bonding and your mom is probably stuck in that with your dad. Sometimes the only way out is to bond with someone else. If your mom had a good girlfriend or family member to get help from she probably would but often in the case of abuse outside support is driven away by the abuser's behavior.

 

Your mom is probably desperate as is your dad. If they could figure out a better way to get their needs met they would.

 

What I would do is keep researching your situation. Learn compassion for yourself and then you'll be able to have compassion for your parents. Keep working on yourself. There is nothing wrong with you so there is nothing to be ashamed of.

[Tuutuu22]

Thank you to every one for their support. I started to cry reading some responses because I don't feel so alone. My mom did kick my dad out about four years ago and CPS came in and I was forced to go to therapy. I was younger and I didn't really understand it all. I wish I did because therapy would've helped. Things are better my dad was forced to get help and he is no longer abusive. However ocasionally my mom flips out about the past and it drives me insane I guess because a part of me just tries to forget. I wrote this thread with her last flip out because I realized how much it was affecting me. I struggle finding compassion for my mom because I would've left I don't believe it sets a good example. Its like telling me when I'm married if he is a terrible abusive husband just cheat. I would NEVER. I spoke to my mom calmly about it yesterday and she said that she is proud of me and that I should learn from her mistakes. My fear is I become what my parents are, afterall I did come from them. I'm very angry at the both of them I also understand people make mistakes. I'm just a confused hurt 16 year old trying to figure things out. Radu, thank you so much for sharing that with me. I'm sorry you endured abuse you're a stronger person because of it. I agree, I don't plan on telling my boyfriend. It is something I myself want to work on and I know men are fixers. But I need to be my own hero in order for a successfull life and for successfull relationships. Thank you all it really meens a lot<3

[anika99]

I understand what you're going through but I would like to see you have more compassion toward your mom. What she probably really needs to hear from you is that you are sorry that she was with such a horrible person who treated her so badly that she went outside the marriage to find comfort. What I would feel the strongest about is the fact that your mother was abused and that your father is such a horrible person. Your mother's cheating is nothing compared to that. Why all the focus on her cheating? Your dad was kind of begging for that, wasn't he?

 

Your mother is probably defensive about you asking because she wants your sympathy, not your judgement. Deep inside, she knows that she should've just left her crappy husband and probably hates that she put you through such a thing. I don't know the circumstances but it's very possible that your mother felt trapped and that the only way to escape was to find a savior. Can you imagine her severe pain and depression when that fell through? She was betrayed by yet another man.

 

Her best choice would've been to leave your dad, of course. Still, I'm thinking she tried to do what she thought was best, to the best of her ability. I know it affected you and that's why people in abusive relationships should get out as soon as possible. But I think your mom needs your compassion more than anything else. She has probably had a very hard and sad life.

 

 

 

Both parents owe the OP a sincere heartfelt apology for screwing up their kids childhood. I made mistakes when my kids were little and I felt very guilty about some of my bad decisions. When my kids grew a little older and told me to my face about how they some of my decisions hurt them I took full responsibility for messing up and doing things that negatively affected them. I never attached a sad story to my apology even though I could have and I never once expected sympathy from them. I hurt them and I needed to own that and apologize for it. Period! I'd like my children to forgive me but I don't want them to make excuses for me or to think that my past behavior was okay.

 

 

It's the parents in this story who need to show understanding to their child and who need to make amends to the OP, not the other way around. Don't get it twisted. I don't know if the father has taken responsibility for his actions as the OP hasn't said but if he got help then he probably has. The mother on the other hand needs to get off her self righteous high horse and take care of her child's feelings.

[anika99]

Thank you to every one for their support. I started to cry reading some responses because I don't feel so alone. My mom did kick my dad out about four years ago and CPS came in and I was forced to go to therapy. I was younger and I didn't really understand it all. I wish I did because therapy would've helped. Things are better my dad was forced to get help and he is no longer abusive. However ocasionally my mom flips out about the past and it drives me insane I guess because a part of me just tries to forget. I wrote this thread with her last flip out because I realized how much it was affecting me. I struggle finding compassion for my mom because I would've left I don't believe it sets a good example. Its like telling me when I'm married if he is a terrible abusive husband just cheat. I would NEVER. I spoke to my mom calmly about it yesterday and she said that she is proud of me and that I should learn from her mistakes. My fear is I become what my parents are, afterall I did come from them. I'm very angry at the both of them I also understand people make mistakes. I'm just a confused hurt 16 year old trying to figure things out. Radu, thank you so much for sharing that with me. I'm sorry you endured abuse you're a stronger person because of it. I agree, I don't plan on telling my boyfriend. It is something I myself want to work on and I know men are fixers. But I need to be my own hero in order for a successfull life and for successfull relationships. Thank you all it really meens a lot<3

 

 

You are 100% correct. Had your mother left your father and made a life for you and she without him then that would have left a strong impression on you that it's not okay to abusive and that your mother was a strong woman who was not going to put up with that. If my child was in abusive relationship I would do all I could to convince them to leave, I wouldn't say Oh well just cheat, your abusive husband deserves it! Because that does nothing to improve the situation and actually makes the home a lot more volatile. A terrible situation for children. One would hope that the abused parent would be focused on escaping and making a better life for the kids, not turning their attention towards an affair partner and leaving the kids even more alone in their misery.

[bathtub-row]

It's very possible that your mother felt trapped and, after years of abuse, did not know which way to turn. This is how a lot of women feel in these situations. I'm not saying that she made great choices but, the truth is, your father is the one who destroyed your family.

[jbrent890]

It's very possible that your mother felt trapped and, after years of abuse, did not know which way to turn. This is how a lot of women feel in these situations. I'm not saying that she made great choices but, the truth is, your father is the one who destroyed your family.

 

As always Bath Tub you blame the husband for the wife's cheating. Yeah he sounds like a$$, but she had other options that she could have taken. IDK even know why you turned into this argument in the first place. Both of them sound like horrible parents. He is an abuser and she is a cheat, both horrible examples for the OP.

[bathtub-row]

As always Bath Tub you blame the husband for the wife's cheating. Yeah he sounds like a$$, but she had other options that she could have taken. IDK even know why you turned into this argument in the first place. Both of them sound like horrible parents. He is an abuser and she is a cheat, both horrible examples for the OP.

 

Abusers add a level of insanity to a relationship that is very difficult to measure. And, unless I missed it, I don't think I blamed the abusive guy for her cheating. What I blame him for his destroying his family. He set that dynamic in motion and sent his whole family into a downward spiral for years and years. What you would be right about is that I have zero mercy for abusers and whatever happens to them doesn't stir a drop of sympathy from me at all.

 

As far as the OP is concerned, she was caught in the crossfire of this madness and that is very sad. But I'm not sure why you think her mother had options when you don't know anything about that situation. Maybe her husband threatened to kill her or her daughter if she left. Most women in those situations feel very, very trapped. If her mother didn't have a job, then she would've felt even more helpless and lost.

 

A lot of people in these circumstances do what OP's mother did because they reach a point where they can no longer tolerate the abuse. And when just walking out the door doesn't seem possible, they become like a caged animal and can only think of how to end their misery. Maybe you would've preferred that her mother escape and risk him coming after them and killing them. Or maybe if her mother had killed herself everyone would be able to feel sad for her. My guess is, she considered that option numerous times.

 

From a normal person's standpoint, the choices seem obvious. To people who feel trapped, it's another story. It all comes down to this: had the husband not been abusive, these severe dynamics would not have existed in the first place.

Edited February 12, 2015 by bathtub-row

[anika99]

This thread isn't even about which spouse is more in the wrong, the abuser or the cheater, it's about how the cheater is treating her kid right now and in my opinion the cheater's parenting skills are deplorable. Her child has reached out to her in an effort to cope with her hurt and confusion and the mother responds by yelling at her and calling her names. How is that the least bit defensible? The mother is so caught up her own self pity and self righteousness that she can't even see how she is failing her daughter. It's not about the cheating, it's about taking responsibility for your actions and taking care of a child who has been hurt. Stop defending this mother for being a lousy parent and try to offer some support to the OP.

[anika99]

I just did!

 

I know you did. My post wasn't directed at you.

[jbrent890]

This thread isn't even about which spouse is more in the wrong, the abuser or the cheater, it's about how the cheater is treating her kid right now and in my opinion the cheater's parenting skills are deplorable. Her child has reached out to her in an effort to cope with her hurt and confusion and the mother responds by yelling at her and calling her names. How is that the least bit defensible? The mother is so caught up her own self pity and self righteousness that she can't even see how she is failing her daughter. It's not about the cheating, it's about taking responsibility for your actions and taking care of a child who has been hurt. Stop defending this mother for being a lousy parent and try to offer some support to the OP.

 

I applauded after reading this post. Thank you

[bathtub-row]

This thread isn't even about which spouse is more in the wrong, the abuser or the cheater, it's about how the cheater is treating her kid right now and in my opinion the cheater's parenting skills are deplorable. Her child has reached out to her in an effort to cope with her hurt and confusion and the mother responds by yelling at her and calling her names. How is that the least bit defensible? The mother is so caught up her own self pity and self righteousness that she can't even see how she is failing her daughter. It's not about the cheating, it's about taking responsibility for your actions and taking care of a child who has been hurt. Stop defending this mother for being a lousy parent and try to offer some support to the OP.

 

You make a good point. Despite everything, her mom should see the mistakes she made and admit to them.

[Tuutuu22]

This thread isn't even about which spouse is more in the wrong, the abuser or the cheater, it's about how the cheater is treating her kid right now and in my opinion the cheater's parenting skills are deplorable. Her child has reached out to her in an effort to cope with her hurt and confusion and the mother responds by yelling at her and calling her names. How is that the least bit defensible? The mother is so caught up her own self pity and self righteousness that she can't even see how she is failing her daughter. It's not about the cheating, it's about taking responsibility for your actions and taking care of a child who has been hurt. Stop defending this mother for being a lousy parent and try to offer some support to the OP.

 

Thank you to every one again. i appreciate every one's responses. I wrote this thread because I have little trust in people, I want to trust my boyfriend but its hard when the one example I had wasn't a healthy relationship. I don't have much confidence I don't really see how any one could love me I'm a girl from a messed up home. I know my home is better now but is it really when random fights like that break out and my mom keeps yelling about the past? Like today we had dinner every one was smiling and everything was fine. My dad always says he messed up and he is sorry I see the pain in his eyes. Recently I brought up how I felt to my mom when she was in a good mood. She did say she was wrong and she was sorry but her intentions were to never hurt her kids and she loves us. I cried the other night thinking of the good times my mom and I had. My mother is a teacher and a loving person. She always loved me I just hate that she never truely loved herself because if she did she would've walked away. Eventually like I said my mom did technicly break the cycle of abuse it no longer goes on any more and my dad did have to go to help. I do have sympathy for my parents I know my dad was brought up in abuse and learnt that behavior. I also know my mom tolerated it when she shouldn't have. But some where a long the line my mom must've been taught not to love herself. I have good days and bad days. Good days I think well I learned from them and I will never be like them (every time i look up children from homes like me it says i will marry someone like my father which causes immense sadness to me) Some bad days Im very meen to my parents or throw low blows at them which is also never beneficial. I worry about my older sister and brother.My sister is away at college and my brother stays home for college. They don't talk about their feelings as much which is why I think I'm my moms least favorite because I challenge her and I always speak my mind. I worry that my borther and sister do not realize how it may affect them. Basically I wrote this thread because I want to hear someone say it will be ok. Because as a 16 year old girl who feels like I'm alone and confused all the time I need re assurance. I want to be successfull, happy and have healthy relationships. I struggle with hearing the way in which we grow up says a lot about our future. Even in class today it says our parents strongly affect the people we become. I'm scared to become them. I know I'm only 16 but the kid I'm dating now is great we have a healthy relationship we make time for our friends and still have our priorities but whenever im upset about something he calms me down. He comes from a great family and I love them. They are very nice to me. Even after dinner I ask if they need help. The usual respectful things. I believe I learned that from my parents along the way. In a way I'm jealous of my boyfriend in a healthy way because he has such great loving parents. I know my parents love me but I also know how selfish both of their actions were. But there's always something inside of me where I feel I'm not good enough.

[Tuutuu22]

Additionaly I dont compare who is right or wrong between my parents. Was my dad the cause? Yes, I'm aware of that. Am I very hurt by that (which is the bigger point here) Yes I am very hurt by it all. My mom could've left and not cheated. Yes, but my dad could've also not done what he did. I guess in life we all know right from wrong. I'm not perfect either I'm a very understanding, loving and forigivng person. I feel TERRIBLE my mom went through what she went through. I can't imagine and maybe thats why I struggle with understanding why she cheated. Do I believe it was accpetable because my mother was being abused. No, I can't say I would've done the same. But what I do know is my mother just didn't cheat on my father. There had to be a feeling of hopelessness and loneliness and scarcity. My mom stated she was afraid my dad was going to kill her if she left. I personally call bull**** on that on AGAIN I don't know but I believe my mom cheated and got even more hurt by another person which is why it's hard for her to talk about or admit to. To elaborate on the talk I had with her she just hugged me afterwards and said please learn from my mistakes and don't make them yourself. I believe in god. my faith I feel is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going. I believe in his plan SO I'm hoping this was to teach me a lesson. I just wish I saw a healthy happy relationship like most kids do. I feel almost different from everyone else and alone. A few of my friends parents are divorced I understand thats hard to but I feel as though what I went through and what I'm continuously struggling to understand is harder. I don't talk to any one else about this except writing on this forum and everyone's responses help a lot. Thank you I really meen it! I'm sorry for writing so much

[bathtub-row]

I can truly understand how you feel but being aware of your situation puts you way ahead of the game. Please do not ever forget that YOU decide who you are, and how your life will be. You're the driver of your bus and you control where it goes. Even if you unwittingly get involved in a bad marriage, just tell yourself that you'll never tolerate such a thing.

 

I know several people who came from abusive homes who made wonderful lives for themselves. Your past does not dictate who you are. Remember that. If you let your past be your teacher, you can completely avoid making those mistakes. Decide on the life you want for yourself and don't ever let any cunning, charming, deceitful man take you from that path. Don't stay with someone "because I love him" when you see red flags. There are good people out there and you deserve that life. If you insist on only the best for yourself, your family life will become a distant memory.

 

How do you do that? First of all, get an education and do sonething you love, and, preferably, something you can make good money at. Anyone who tells you that money isn't important is telling you stories. Money gives you options. It makes a huge difference in the quality of your life. Make sure that you're never in a position to depend on anyone, and don't let anyone steer you from your goals.

 

Use your late teens and early to late 20's to discover yourself, to decide what you want, and enjoy life. I cringe whenever I see young people have children so early in life. Get established first. Kids are a HUGE responsibility and you are better off if you have them after you've been educated, gotten a job and a chance to see the world a little. And to put some money aside.

 

While you're in college, life will change. You'll make friendships that will last a lifetime. You may even meet the guy you end up marrying. By bringing your life to a higher level, you'll bring your self-esteem to a higher level. Surely you know that there are highly successful and happy people who came from your type of background who re-invented themselves and their lives. Abuse is highly prevalent so you're not alone.

 

As hard as it may be to see now, you have a gift. I can tell you first hand that even though I'm grateful for the happy home I was raised in, I was too sheltered and too naive for a long time. And it didn't guarantee me success with relationships. What it did, though, is make me intolerant of bad relationships. And that's a good thing because I will at least leave. But I have known others from a background like yours who are much more aware and much better at spotting BS than I'll ever be. I have one friend who I will now introduce any guy I date seriously to because she is a great judge of character. She sees through people so easily. I'll bet you have developed a very keen sense of people. So instead of being in fear, hold your head high knowing that you have risen above your family life and that you decide how things will work. You are not a statistic unless you let yourself become one.

[Lion Heart]

Hi tuutuu,

 

I've read all your posts and some replies.

There are some points I'd like to point out to you about yourself and then move on to directly responding to your concerns and fears. I wonder if your school has a free, confidential counselling service?

 

Firstly, you are awesome. Your maturity betrays your age. You're wiser than your age because of the perspectives you've formed over the period of "raising yourself by yourself". I'm not saying your parents don't love you or they haven't raised you BUT the awesomeness of you comes from you working this sh** out.

 

I don't advise you to "care more" about either of your parents. Your natural attachments to them have and continue to harm you. It's not your job to parent them. It's been theirs to parent you. They've fallen short of their responsibilities to meet YOUR needs on certain levels but now you've matured beyond them AT 16!!! Think about that. I advise a healthy detachment.

 

Detachment is a virtue. Read up about how to do that. It means that you set your path and not allow other's Wills to impinge and redirect your path, you keep detached and keep focussed on YOUR path. You detach with love so you can grow into the PERSON YOU DECIDE TO BE.

 

Please don't exercise any more "sympathy" for your parents. It's not sympathy that will help any of you. It's EMPATHY. I think you've shown empathy by so many things you've said.

It's very healthy to examine the dynamics of your parents marraige from a detached perspective. YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS AND NEVER EVER WILL BE. You have plainly examined their dynamics and analyzed it to the nth degree. You've done so well to have achieved this by 16! Well done! But NOW as a youth forming your adulthood, change your focus to you. I can even think your parents will notice and resist your detachment. They may not like you breaking away from the patterns you've all formed BUT YOU MUST. If arguments ensue you could say to the effect, in a gentle and affirming way, "I appreciate the concern you feel for me (cause they're more concerned about themselves, you are affirming the behaviour you would prefer them to show you) but I've been working through the hurt and damage I've felt (note PAST tense) from growing up with you both at each other's throats. Know that I love you both but I'm almost grown now and I have to set goals for my own life. I would love support from both of you, but I understand if you cannot provide that, I will need to pursue my goals to the best of my ability."

 

As a child you don't owe your parents a thing. You are a wonderful daughter and you are a gift in itself to them. BTW I am a mother of 4, ages DD 22yo, DSs 12yo & DD 10yo. I grew up in an extremely abusive home. I NCd my mother under Police advice and maintained NC for 12y.

You are also not responsible for your older siblings. Aim for honest and caring relationships with them. You don't need to imagine what or how they feel about your parents M. This is your path.

 

I want to say to you that I have 3 degrees (even tho I had to fight my M at every turn to get them. She didn't pay a cent towards anything much at all for me from age 14, when I was FINALLY able to get a paying job. I paid for all of my educational expenses from 14 from school uniforms to text books and school fees. I missed excursions to save for College and later Uni. I secured 2 scholarships after my initial degree not because of my family background but because I competed for them on a level playing ground and won them both for academic standards and willingness to be posted anywhere in the country afterwards. Oh I almost forgot. I had to pay "board" from 14y too.

I knew the deal; my life, my problem. I paid.

 

The predictors for how my life should turn out were VERY damning. I ignored these things completely and without spite, or motivation to "prove them wrong", I simply didn't have time for negativity. I had LOTS to achieve and achieved far more than my wildest dreams TBH. You can too. Without A DOUBT.

 

One thing I'd like you to work on if ^^^^ isn't enough! Lol. Is this: look at every happy relationship you see and ask questions that come to mind. You can say "I've noticed you've got a happy M, have you had any difficulties and if so, how did you deal with them". Let them know you want to learn as much as you can about SUCCESSFUL Ms so you have one too one day.

Please don't be jealous of anyone or any thing that ANY ONE HAS. Jealousy is not only a waste of your time but a distraction from your path, an excuse to feel sorry for yourself (which I don't think you really do atm) plus a very negative monster that given power, destroys and incapacitates people. You simply don't have time for negativity. The negative sh** is done for you. Keep bringing yourself back to your path if you stray and recondition your thinking.

 

Most importantly DON'T allow yourself to be a person who constantly blames their parents well into adulthood. I decided as I was approaching 18yo that as soon as I reached legal age, I was it. I was responsible for the rest of my life. Sure not all things went smoothly, life's like that. It's getting back in course after swaying off it - THAT'S the most important thing.

 

You are seeking knowledge and you WILL benefit from it.

You get what you focus on. Focus on an awesome life!

 

Have lots of fun while you're at it!

Lion Heart.