Wife has changed yet again

[Joe1980]

My wife and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and have 2 younger children. Our relationship has its ups and downs. I know I'm not perfect and have made mistakes of my own but I've NEVER been unfaithful to my wife and have broken my back to provide a comfortable life for her and our children. I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible.

 

In 2010 our marriage got a little bumpy and she started having an affair. She eventually moved out for about a week after her family wasn't there for her she asked if she could come home and I said yes. That night she called cops and said I hit her...I went to jail. Of course I didn't lay a hand on her and refused to take courts deal and I took a polygraph to prove my innocence and charges were dropped. She then filed for divorce and after months of her being mean and vicious towards me some how we ended up stopping divorce and working things out.

 

Well it's started all over again 5 years later. My wife has been lying to me about everything and admitted to having an affair with a different man in 2010 that for 5 years she denied and said everyone that told me was lying. That truth changed me and crushed me. It lead to a few months of depression and I quit my job and lost contact with everyone. The last 2 months have been hell my wife has been distant and been telling her family how she is leaving me cause I'm a changed person while the whole time she is telling me the complete opposite. She has been lying about where she is going, who she is with, and living on phone and cpu which I found she was searching for person she had affair with. To me her going to his page on Facebook is only way she could of message him without leaving record of contact. When I asked her she lied and said she never looked him up and when I showed her I found it then she said it's no big deal she just went to his page and nothing is going on. I don't believe her!!! I love my wife and didn't want a divorce but with how mean she's been and all the dishonesty I'm not sure I can deal with the hurt in my heart anymore. I guess I'm venting right now and looking for some advice.

[aliveagain]

Joe, you shouldn't have to police your wife and you can't force her to be faithful. The simple answer is to tell her she is free to date other men, just not as your wife. You might as well know the truth now instead of wasting additional years on a lost cause. Knowing her history of false allegations against you I suggest you pick up a voice activated recorder(VAR) and carry it on you at all times. Joe, it looks like your the only one committed to this marriage and unless she commits it's doomed to fail so it really is in your best interest to find out where she stands. If she isn't willing to do the work necessary to fix what's broken, end it. You can't make someone love you and you can't make someone stay married to you, they need to want to do that on their own. The other option is you get comfortable sharing her with other men. You have been married for 8 1/2 years and look at how many men she has gone through already.

 

I hate to bring this up Joe but is there any chance you may need to question the paternity of your children? It happened to me and it appears to be a lot more common than people ever thought. Joe if she isn't 100% committed to you and the marriage cut her loose and give yourself a chance at happiness.

[PegNosePete]

In 2010 our marriage got a little bumpy and she started having an affair. She eventually moved out for about a week after her family wasn't there for her she asked if she could come home and I said yes. That night she called cops and said I hit her...I went to jail. Of course I didn't lay a hand on her and refused to take courts deal and I took a polygraph to prove my innocence and charges were dropped. She then filed for divorce and after months of her being mean and vicious towards me some how we ended up stopping divorce and working things out.

You have got to be kidding my friend. How could you have been so naive and short sighted? To let someone who would do those things, back into your life?

 

I am afraid this is a case of "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". You knew exactly what she was like and now once again that side of her has come out from under the rock. Are you going to let her fool you a 3rd time?

 

So what are you going to do, you're going to do what you should have done in 2010. File for divorce and never look back. Otherwise, you'll be back on here in 2020 with exactly the same story.

[KBarletta]

This relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy based on what you have shared. Your wife has lied to you, your family and the police, she has been mean and vindictive toward you, had you wrongly arrested, and cheated on you multiple times. That would be enough for most people to walk away and not look back, which is what I would advise you to do actually.

 

If you can't or won't do that, then you need to get to a place where you can be completely honest with each other about your past and your future, and I don't see that happening without individual and joint counseling where you are both committed to your relationship. She would have to give up the affairs, emotional and physical, and go NC on the other man/men of course. You might benefit from some time apart as well.

 

I'd advise you, either way you choose to go, to protect your kids and be there for them as much as you can.

[Joe1980]

Thanks for the thoughts! I've been considering divorce and it kills me because I love my wife and kids so much and I know this will be hard on my children but divorce does seem like my only option giving the way things have been going.

[Ralph79]

Thanks for the thoughts! I've been considering divorce and it kills me because I love my wife and kids so much and I know this will be hard on my children but divorce does seem like my only option giving the way things have been going.

 

After what your wife has put your through, having those feelings for her is not normal.

 

I encourage you to read this article:

 

OBSESSED WITH A BORDERLINE - A Matter of Attraction and Revulsion

 

You wife sounds like she has a BPD

 

There are other articles on the webpage you should look into as well. The poster @Downtown is really someone who could expand on this if you can relate to it.

 

Regardless, I'll state what I've learned and shared on other posts:

 

Dignity and self respect aren't just words. They are important qualities that are not only necessary in every human being, but should be treasured as well.

 

This woman has humiliated you and treated you so poorly it's book-worthy. And you still love her?

 

I felt the same way over my ex-wife until time allowed me to realize that it wasn't love but obsession fueled by fear of abandonment and solitude.

[Joe1980]

I agree with you ralph79.

Edited February 6, 2015 by Joe1980

[sandylee1]

Why on earth would you go back with a woman who lied and called the cops on you?

She's shown you what she is capable of and you are still with her. I'm in shock.

 

She is a cheater, but she's not faced any consequences for her actions so why will she stop.

For your own sake end this marriage. Next time she'll say you raped her.

[Joe1980]

Wow...reading everyone's comments kinda makes me sound crazy!!! I love my wife and I guess it's hard to explain so others would understand. I love my children and really don't want them to live a life where mom&dad aren't there everyday with or for them. I almost wish I didn't start this thread seeing everyone say there shocked I'm still with my wife. I'm catholic and don't believe in divorce and I'm not perfect either I have my own flaws but it is still hard for me to end my marriage. Is that foolish of me?

[Popsicle]

Wow...reading everyone's comments kinda makes me sound crazy!!! I love my wife and I guess it's hard to explain so others would understand. I love my children and really don't want them to live a life where mom&dad aren't there everyday with or for them. I almost wish I didn't start this thread seeing everyone say there shocked I'm still with my wife. I'm catholic and don't believe in divorce and I'm not perfect either I have my own flaws but it is still hard for me to end my marriage. Is that foolish of me?

 

Yes, it is very foolish, imo, but post this same thread over in the " infidelity" section of this forum and you'll get most of the people there telling you that you are doing the right thing to stay with her. They'll tell you how horrible she is but to not divorce. It'll be everything you want to hear.

[Mirages]

I'm catholic and don't believe in divorce

 

Joe, if you wish to logically dissect this statement, send me a PM (if the system allows, I think it requires some membership time to PM). Hanging up on church dogma places an organization over Moses & Christ... Not to get carried away, but looking at the OT or NT, or ecclesiastical history, the conclusion I have arrived at is not to write off divorce as too evil to approach. You are not crazy, love is biological, we are subject to hormonal forces that do not always make sense in that field; let us not seek to add additional forces that do not make sense to those we are already stuck with. I wish you the best.

[Friskyone4u]

Joe

 

She is obviously either back in her affair or looking to get back in it. And it is time for you to stop trying to save this by yourself. It takes two to reconcile and your wife has checked out again .

You need to at least see an attorney to find out your rights and you need to be prepared to divorce her. You loving her makes no difference at this point. She is gone again for the third time .

Since she is more than obviously trying to hide things from you you need to put a VAR in her car. She at some point will get a burner phone and to in the car to someone. She will feel safe there.

As long as you show her no consequences and just plead with her she will continue to cheat and abuse you.

[LoveMyCat]

Wow...reading everyone's comments kinda makes me sound crazy!!! I love my wife and I guess it's hard to explain so others would understand. I love my children and really don't want them to live a life where mom&dad aren't there everyday with or for them. I almost wish I didn't start this thread seeing everyone say there shocked I'm still with my wife. I'm catholic and don't believe in divorce and I'm not perfect either I have my own flaws but it is still hard for me to end my marriage. Is that foolish of me?

 

It takes both partners to keep a marriage together...not just one who is desperate not to divorce, even if it may be the best option for everyone.

 

Trust me (or don't...) but no one wants their kids to grow up with parents not living together...yet it has become the norm. Not just because of the "me" generation, or the lessening of religion as a deterrent, but also because people began to realize that "staying together for the kids" is not always what is best for them. Maybe it is better for kids to have two healthy, happy parents, in healthy relationship with people they respect and treat well.

 

You can cling to your vows...that is your choice. But it won't matter unless your wife does too.

[Popsicle]

And,actually you're better of trotting out the old excuse of the kids as the reason you are sticking with her, because even the bible allows for divorce in the case of infidelity.

[Radu]

Wow...reading everyone's comments kinda makes me sound crazy!!! I love my wife and I guess it's hard to explain so others would understand. I love my children and really don't want them to live a life where mom&dad aren't there everyday with or for them. I almost wish I didn't start this thread seeing everyone say there shocked I'm still with my wife. I'm catholic and don't believe in divorce and I'm not perfect either I have my own flaws but it is still hard for me to end my marriage. Is that foolish of me?

 

She has tried to separate you from your kids.

She has tried to destroy your relationship with them.

 

Why do you think she tried to have you arrested you dunce ?

 

Your relationship with her is not up for discussion ... the only way it can exist is if you continue down the line of being a cuckold who gets a rapsheet for nothing.

And even then she will end up abandoning you.

 

Act for the relationship with your kids.

[Ralph79]

Wow...reading everyone's comments kinda makes me sound crazy!!! I love my wife and I guess it's hard to explain so others would understand. I love my children and really don't want them to live a life where mom&dad aren't there everyday with or for them. I almost wish I didn't start this thread seeing everyone say there shocked I'm still with my wife. I'm catholic and don't believe in divorce and I'm not perfect either I have my own flaws but it is still hard for me to end my marriage. Is that foolish of me?

 

Joe,

 

I'm catholic too. I was raised to believe marriage is the most important contract you will sign in your life. It is a partnership that will reflect on every other commitment you make, personally and professionally.

 

I refused to even think about divorce because I thought I was madly in love with my wife. And because I remembered my vows even to this day. I was going to fight and protect my marriage at all cost.

 

I realized however that my now ex-wife was living by her own set of rules. Marriage to her was just a means to get alimony later on. She merely had to endure a few years. To her, marriage were just words spoken and a piece of paper. Words and paper weren't going to keep her away from her "true love" and they weren't enough to commit to me.

 

I honestly felt we were fighting against the world to keep our marriage in tact. Little did I know, the only true adversary to our marriage was the person pretending to be fighting for it by my side.

 

I'll tell you this. Although I'm not happy that my marriage failed, in spite of ALL the bull she put me through, the biggest triumph I have achieved in my life has been having the courage to go through with my divorce.

 

God wouldn't have forgiven me had I stayed in it after the abuse I was taking. Staying in it would've been cowardly.

 

And in regards to loving your wife ... I know it's difficult to accept, but deep down in you heart, covered in insurmountable amounts of denial is the fact that You cannot love someone who hurts you this way. Being with her has turned into an obsession. She has trained and domesticated you to accept her behavior. You have to love yourself enough to see this. Look in the mirror, deep down inside the pupil of your eyes you might see your real self screaming for mercy. You need to get in touch with your feelings.

 

The fact that you have reached out to these forums is a great start.

[Joe1980]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts! I know what needs to happen!

[aliveagain]

Joe, I too am Catholic in fact I am of Italian heritage, even worse. Adultery is one of the only reasons the Catholic Church will grant you a divorce and allow you to remain a Catholic. I've posted this on another post recently, Adultery is the only commandment that is listed twice, once for doing it and once for thinking about it, they must really want you to take that one seriously.

 

Thing is Joe, you took her back and by doing so she must have accepted your requirements for staying in the marriage. If she won't honour your boundaries she won't honour you or your marriage. Sometimes you need to make sure she understands what those boundaries are as well as what the immediate consequences are for breaking them. You should consult with a lawyer so you know your rights because you need to protect your children and your finances. Should you decide divorce is your right course of action it still takes time and the process can be stopped anytime up to the issuance of the final decree. One of your requirements for reconciliation should be professional independent counselling so she can get to the why of choosing infidelity over working on what's wrong in the relationship. Hold your ground.

[Joe1980]

Filed for divorce...I'm gonna try without attorney. Things have been great again for some reason but I just can't handle the bull**** out of the blue. Wish me luck

[Ralph79]

Filed for divorce...I'm gonna try without attorney. Things have been great again for some reason but I just can't handle the bull**** out of the blue. Wish me luck

 

That's what friends and LS boards are here for. Keep in touch and keep it up. Hopefully some posters can weigh in with some sound legal advice if you're gonna try to do this solo.

[Downtown]

Joe, I agree with Ralph that you're describing some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). If your W does have strong BPD traits, you should expect the divorce process to become very nasty very quickly -- i.e., the sort of behavior you saw when she tried to get you arrested on a false charge. My BPDer exW, for example, had me thrown into jail for three days on a bogus charge (if you get arrested early on a Saturday morning, it can take that long before you go before a judge for arraignment).

 

If you are interested, I describe these red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. I suspect you will find most of those signs to sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Ralph in discussing them with you. Take care, Joe.

[PegNosePete]

I wouldn't bother trying to diagnose her mental condition. What a waste of time. It's pretty clear that she's going to give you a hard time with the divorce, simply based on her prior behaviour.

 

No need to be her amateur shrink. Just take her actions as they come and react accordingly. It's a waste of time to read up on BPD or whatever because it's totally irrelevant. You're trying to get out of the marriage, not to understand her personality. Keep your eyes on the goal.

 

Yes doing a divorce solo can be difficult. There's plenty of resources online to help. Read read read.

[Ralph79]

I wouldn't bother trying to diagnose her mental condition. What a waste of time. It's pretty clear that she's going to give you a hard time with the divorce, simply based on her prior behaviour.

 

No need to be her amateur shrink. Just take her actions as they come and react accordingly. It's a waste of time to read up on BPD or whatever because it's totally irrelevant. You're trying to get out of the marriage, not to understand her personality. Keep your eyes on the goal.

 

Yes doing a divorce solo can be difficult. There's plenty of resources online to help. Read read read.

 

The reason we suggest he read material was because he was suffering from a lack of understanding why he loved his wife in spite of what she kept doing to him.

 

Wow...reading everyone's comments kinda makes me sound crazy!!! I love my wife and I guess it's hard to explain so others would understand. I love my children and really don't want them to live a life where mom&dad aren't there everyday with or for them. I almost wish I didn't start this thread seeing everyone say there shocked I'm still with my wife. I'm catholic and don't believe in divorce and I'm not perfect either I have my own flaws but it is still hard for me to end my marriage. Is that foolish of me?

 

The reading material I originally suggested goes into a detail explanation of why people like the OP (who I can entirely relate to), get obsessed with partners suffering from a BPD. The idea was to help him cope and understand he is not alone. It's actually a very common situation and it helped me greatly to overcome the feeling of "guilt" I felt for my marriage failing, even though it was my wife who was being brutal to me.

 

Downtown merely suggested more links so he can reinforce the fact that she is suffering from a BPD. This was all mentioned for the sole purpose of easing any feeling of guilt he may have due to his religious and moral convictions after filing for his divorce. It wasn't meant to fix her, it was meant so he could better anticipate her reactions.

 

I still think it's a great read and would recommend he catch up on it, because it might save him from her totally turning a corner and manipulating him into a dishonest reconciliation as BPD sufferers have done in the past.