Involved with a married woman and can't stop

[cinque423]

You are having sex with the fantasy of your wife. Who better to fulfill that then the only other person who knows your wife as much or better than you.

 

To you it doesn't matter that you are sleeping with another man's wife because you lost yours completely.

 

You need counciling to sort this out. Your lover/wife's best friend might feel obligated to you and that is not a fair position for her either.

 

Actually your first sentence hit the nail on the head. I was using Betty as a replacement for my wife but Betty didn't seem to mind. I discussed this with Betty and she told me she had been in a sexless marriage since her last child was born 8 years ago. Her husband seems to have no interest in her sexually.

 

She has no intention of leaving her husband but she wants sex in her life. She stated she is grown and knows exactly what she is doing. I can have her anyway I wanted sexually, just use her up and make her feel good. I don't have to spend money on her, take her out or anything. Just give her the kind of sex she likes.

 

She made that proposition to me.

[candie13]

well... there are a few points there. what do you want? is having sex with her enough? too little? too much? getting bored?

 

do you want to replace the hubby or are fine to just use Betty sexually?

 

and most importantly... what do you feel like? Plenty of other women out there. without kids. not married. Available. Who can not only give you their body, but their time too. With whom you can do fun stuff, like go on weekends...

 

it all depends on what you want.

[jbrent890]

Actually your first sentence hit the nail on the head. I was using Betty as a replacement for my wife but Betty didn't seem to mind. I discussed this with Betty and she told me she had been in a sexless marriage since her last child was born 8 years ago. Her husband seems to have no interest in her sexually.

 

She has no intention of leaving her husband but she wants sex in her life. She stated she is grown and knows exactly what she is doing. I can have her anyway I wanted sexually, just use her up and make her feel good. I don't have to spend money on her, take her out or anything. Just give her the kind of sex she likes.

 

She made that proposition to me.

 

But does that sound right to you dude? She has you for sex and her spends resources on her. Don't get me wrong, I feel you bro, but I sympathize for her husband as well and you are starting to as well. The good news is that you see that isn't sustainable and not right. If you want my advice, if you do end it, tell her to go fix the issues in her marriage or leave.

[Darren Steez]

This should be in print..good story

[Mal78]

Actually your first sentence hit the nail on the head. I was using Betty as a replacement for my wife but Betty didn't seem to mind. I discussed this with Betty and she told me she had been in a sexless marriage since her last child was born 8 years ago. Her husband seems to have no interest in her sexually.

 

She has no intention of leaving her husband but she wants sex in her life. She stated she is grown and knows exactly what she is doing. I can have her anyway I wanted sexually, just use her up and make her feel good. I don't have to spend money on her, take her out or anything. Just give her the kind of sex she likes.

 

She made that proposition to me.

 

Yes, but Betty is sleeping with her deceased best friend's husband.

 

You are sleeping with your deceased wife's best friend who also is married.

 

I'm sure you've talked about who better to have a A with. This is what your wife would have wanted for both of you as she knew her best friend was in a sexless marriage and she knew the level of sex you desire. Win/Win for all!

 

Again, bring this to a therapist who perhaps specialize in grief/loss. You need some professional outside prospective on this crazy situation.

[bubbaganoosh]

To be honest, no. Even though I'm having a good time, she doesn't seem to respect her marriage at all. Whose to say she won't do that to me.

 

Maybe she doesn't respect her marriage and her actions have proven that point but you better remember that there are two in a marriage so it would be in both your interest and hers to find out if he respects his marriage.

 

You never know what goes through a persons mind when they find out that someone else is enjoying his wife. Sometimes they do nothing and sometimes that go off the deep end and I gotta tel you partner your playing a dangerous game and if you keep it up, there's a chance that you will meet up with your dearly departed wife in the sweet by and by and you just might be sporting a few bullet holes when you do.

 

Your problem is that your small head is doing all the thinking and your big head is empty. Wouldn't want to be you when the $h!t hits the fan. Hope you stay in good shape and could at least out run him or out run a car or a bullet. Stranger things have happened.

[cinque423]

well... there are a few points there. what do you want? is having sex with her enough? too little? too much? getting bored?

 

do you want to replace the hubby or are fine to just use Betty sexually?

 

and most importantly... what do you feel like? Plenty of other women out there. without kids. not married. Available. Who can not only give you their body, but their time too. With whom you can do fun stuff, like go on weekends...

it all depends on what you want.

 

YES, what you stated above. I had no problem with it for 3 years because I guess it was helping me to grieve. But you are right, there are other women out there that I could do other things with besides having good sex. This woman is taken and in the end, she goes home to her family and I go home to an empty house.

 

I thought my marriage would last a long time but it wasn't meant to be. Like everyone else, you want the American dream, house with a white picket fence, wife that you can grow old with, etc. When life throws you a curve ball it catches you off guard, you don't see it coming so you're not prepared.

 

I guess I am starting to let go and begin living my life again. Everything in my house reminds me of my wife but she is gone. No since in holding on to things. I am thinking of just selling everything and starting all over somewhere else. Just sell everything and up and move. Make a clean, fresh start.

 

When something like this happens, your foundation is uprooted. One of the most important thing in your life is gone. You try to fight and hold on to what use to be but you begin to realize it never will be the same. I had a great sex life with my wife so I tried to keep that going with her best friend. But no matter how good it gets, its not the same.

 

I think I am waking up and looking at things for what it really is. There are other women out there who are single with no kids who could make a great companion for me everyday, all day.

 

Why am I sharing another man's woman part-time is starting to not make sense to me.

[cinque423]

Yes, but Betty is sleeping with her deceased best friend's husband.

 

You are sleeping with your deceased wife's best friend who also is married.

 

I'm sure you've talked about who better to have a A with. This is what your wife would have wanted for both of you as she knew her best friend was in a sexless marriage and she knew the level of sex you desire. Win/Win for all!

 

Again, bring this to a therapist who perhaps specialize in grief/loss. You need some professional outside prospective on this crazy situation.

 

You are correct with this.

 

It took my wife a year from when she was diagnosed to when she passed away. I remember her saying something about how when she is gone, she would hope the two people she loved the most would be happy.

 

It was during one of those pillow talk moments with Betty did she come out and confirm this. I guess this is why my judgement was clouded about the whole thing.

[A.Moscote]

“Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you.”

 

It's never to late to change cinque, you definitely can get out of this wrong situation. The relationship is unjust towards other people even though it has gave you many favors.

 

Sorry to give you a distasteful example, but imagine how shattering it is if somehow you discovered a same secret, of your late wife doing a Betty.

 

End it, and just back off. It's not easy, but I hope that's what you'll choose.

[candie13]

waking up to the reality is always good. Better sooner than later. And it's painful. Always. But whether we fight it or not, that process takes place and after it took place, it's irreversible. useless to hide your head in the sand.

 

looks like you are waking up. What's done is done, cinque, it's pointless to beat yourself up about the past. You were vulnerable, you were in shock, you were grieving... people do stupid things to themselves and to those around them, when they are in that state. Willingly or unwillingly. At least, you did not take your grief and make other people/ women pay for it. Betty knew what she was getting herself into. Her role in your life was to soften the blow of your wife's death, until the reality of it settles is.

 

It appears that you are ready to start doing that work by yourself now. It's hard. It's very hard to be on your own, after being in a loving relationship. It's not even the person, it's the sharing, the warmth, the intimacy that are created that I used to miss most, after I have left my bf of 7 years. Changing my mindset from "couple" to "single". I found that... crippling, at the beginning. On top of grieving the loss of my ex from life.

 

So I'm not saying that now that you've understood that Betty's role in your life comes to an end, everything else will come into place. But as long as you are not running away from yourself - like throwing yourself in another relationship or start sleeping around, you'll be fine. The only way of dealing with pain is to go through it. It'll always catch up on you, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. But if you are brave and embrace it, if you go through it, when you're at the other end of it, you'll know yourself much better and you'll be healed. And ready to be happy again.

 

just be true to yourself as much as you can.

 

cheers

[reconcile]

Regarding right or wrongness of having an affair with someone's spouse:

 

My cousin was killed in bed with a married woman, and as much as i miss my cousin, I have no pity for the wrath that fell on him for his decisions. Husband walked-in on them in throws of sex and there were guns in the house. He bludgeoned my cousin, not with a gun, killed him. He shot his wife to death right after. Not sure why the husband used two modes of killing.

 

I would urge you to tread lightly. You can get HER harmed if you care nothing or your safety. Plus, if you think losing your wife was a cruel gift from God as far as karma, I would use that as a baseline for the wrath he might bestow upon you for selfishly indulging yourself at the expense of her husband and kids. When it arrives, recognize it as "the bill" for you party. You're what's wrong with the world. If your original post spoke of more than "hitting the right spot" and "her moans"... maybe I would have some pity on you.

[Noproblem]

The truth is

 

 

This woman will leave you 1 or 2 years from now

 

 

What you will be at that time

 

a 40 year old widow who can't date other women easily!

 

and I'll give it 2 more years you will be grieving over Betty because like it or not

 

You love Betty, you just don't want to admit you love a cheater!

 

 

You will miss Betty, you try to get another girl but it's hard for a 25 guy to get a girl, let alone a 42 old man!

 

 

So yeah!

 

 

I think this better ends for your sake!

 

You should take 6 months off and then start looking for true relationship

 

 

FYI:

Betty will come clean some day!

 

 

I would move to another city if I were you, start all over again

 

You are only with Betty because she reminds you of your wife!

 

 

and you know what, I don't think your wife would be happy seeing you with a married woman!

[jbrent890]

The truth is

 

 

This woman will leave you 1 or 2 years from now

 

 

What you will be at that time

 

a 40 year old widow who can't date other women easily!

 

and I'll give it 2 more years you will be grieving over Betty because like it or not

 

You love Betty, you just don't want to admit you love a cheater!

 

 

You will miss Betty, you try to get another girl but it's hard for a 25 guy to get a girl, let alone a 42 old man!

 

 

So yeah!

 

 

I think this better ends for your sake!

 

You should take 6 months off and then start looking for true relationship

 

 

FYI:

Betty will come clean some day!

 

 

I would move to another city if I were you, start all over again

 

You are only with Betty because she reminds you of your wife!

 

 

and you know what, I don't think your wife would be happy seeing you with a married woman!

 

Actually that's false. The dating market for men his age is amazing. Women like settling down with somewhat older men. He could pull a woman in her late twenties if he wanted to.

[Noproblem]

Actually that's false. The dating market for men his age is amazing. Women like settling down with somewhat older men. He could pull a woman in her late twenties if he wanted to.

 

He could not pull a great woman in her twenties!

 

just a girl who is desperate for a home and security!

So she won't be interested in him, just what he has to offer!

 

 

 

So yeah, dating is not great unless you are good looking, have money, and decent personality!

[Tayla]

It began within a few weeks after my wife passed. I was told by our pastor to at least grieve for a year, only time can heal some wounds.

 

My wife couldn't have kids, I knew that before I married her. We decided if we wanted to have kids we would adopt a boy and a girl.

 

She was my wife's best friend, I only knew of her husband and kids through her.

 

you"ll grieve the rest of your memory life. there is no clock to grief. Thirty years from now you"ll grieve your first spouse.

Sincerely sorry for this loss and the lust .

Met the leeches who prey upon the grief stricken. they are without a doubt carrying a broken moral compass.

Try having a social life. Hang with your guy friends, learn a hobby, get your life in order. what does your family think of your tryst?

 

just a footnote, she was not a best friend. or did your best friends also bop your wife? not being rude, just trying to understand if you come from the open marriage avenue...

Edited February 8, 2015 by Tayla

[Noproblem]

and most of the girls will know he was with a married woman

and they might lose interest for that

 

 

because Betty will let them know that he is hers

 

she won't let him live happily ever after while her life was ruined!

[whichwayisup]

It began within a few weeks after my wife passed. I was told by our pastor to at least grieve for a year, only time can heal some wounds.

 

My wife couldn't have kids, I knew that before I married her. We decided if we wanted to have kids we would adopt a boy and a girl.

 

She was my wife's best friend, I only knew of her husband and kids through her.

 

So you really haven't grieved the loss of your wife at all.

 

This is a very messed up situation and very unhealthy.

 

I wish you'd seek counseling. And yes your pastor was right.

[Poppy47]

I did exactly what you did after my husband died... for a number of years. Not with his best friend though.

 

I had been married 32 years and suddenly I was adrift. Life as I had known it disappeared and I didn't know what to do. It is really difficult to cope with.

 

You are looking for support and comfort in the wrong place. Don't ask me who can help you but perhaps some therapy would get you out of this limbo you are in.

 

I think your common sense will eventually prevail and you will start to gather the threads back together again. Leave Mrs Betty alone. She will hinder your progress back into the real world..

 

It's not easy to reconstruct your life after such a major event. People do it thought and you will too. I am 67 years old now and I think perhaps you are a little younger than that, so in some ways it could be easier.

 

Warm wishes to you.

 

Poppy.

[cinque423]

I did exactly what you did after my husband died... for a number of years. Not with his best friend though.

 

I had been married 32 years and suddenly I was adrift. Life as I had known it disappeared and I didn't know what to do. It is really difficult to cope with.

 

You are looking for support and comfort in the wrong place. Don't ask me who can help you but perhaps some therapy would get you out of this limbo you are in.

 

I think your common sense will eventually prevail and you will start to gather the threads back together again. Leave Mrs Betty alone. She will hinder your progress back into the real world..

 

It's not easy to reconstruct your life after such a major event. People do it thought and you will too. I am 67 years old now and I think perhaps you are a little younger than that, so in some ways it could be easier.

 

Warm wishes to you.

 

Poppy.

 

So you truly understand, you've been there yourself.

 

Even though me and my wife had been together for just 10 years, when its over like that, you do end up adrift. You're like "now what ??? " Betty was there, I was missing my wife, you don't even think about what you are doing.

 

The thing about it, a lot of times it wasn't even about the sex, it was being close to a woman that I was missing. Just feeling Betty's body against mine was satisfactory for me.

[Blu72]

Ok but after 3 years of this are there any emotional feelings you have for this woman? Has she expressed any feelings toward you?

[oldshirt]

He could not pull a great woman in her twenties!

 

just a girl who is desperate for a home and security!

So she won't be interested in him, just what he has to offer!

 

 

 

So yeah, dating is not great unless you are good looking, have money, and decent personality!

 

What makes you think he even wants a woman in her 20s? And why are you assuming he's not attractive, successful and a nice person.

 

Your whole premise is way off here. Many 40 year old men have a lot higher market value in the dating market than they did in their 20s.

 

There's a reason this Betty gal jumped him and is keeping him to herself even though she has a husband and family at home.

 

Which is why I think e OP should let Betty go. He would do well on the dating market and needs to shift away from the fantasy, surrogate wife and gain some true independence and heal from his loss and get out on the actual dating market with viable single women.

[oldshirt]

OP, I also think it would be wise to seek some grief/loss therapy. I fear what you have done with Betty here is used her as an understudy for your wife and you haven't fully grieved and mourned and healed from her passing.

 

While I'm sure you enjoyed banging your wife's friend, you may have stunted your recovery from your wife's death. You had a stand-in for her so you never truly mourned, recovered and healed.

 

Had you taken your clergy's advice, you may have gone through your grief stages and by a year would have healed and been ready to date single, available women and started a new relationship on it's own merits instead of sleeping with the physical ghost of your wife and delaying your recovery and delaying the time to get out and meet an actual single and legitimate dating candidate.

 

Seek some counseling and get through your grief in a healthy and functional manner so you can get out on the legitimate dating market and not be an adulterer in some weird, dysfunctional, grief cycle that is hurting multiple people.

[anika99]

He could not pull a great woman in her twenties!

 

just a girl who is desperate for a home and security!

So she won't be interested in him, just what he has to offer!

 

 

 

So yeah, dating is not great unless you are good looking, have money, and decent personality!

 

 

What are you on about? You seem to be saying that the OP should end the affair but he should also get ready to spend the rest of his life alone and miserable because no other woman will ever want him. What is the point of your posts? Just to beat him down?

 

 

What you say isn't true. He is young enough to remarry and even have children if that is what he chooses. He may not want a woman still in her twenties and he could easily attract a woman in her early to mid thirties.

[cinque423]

Ok but after 3 years of this are there any emotional feelings you have for this woman? Has she expressed any feelings toward you?

 

There is no way you can be in a good relationship with someone over a period of time without feeling something for them. You don't intend for it to happen but it does happen.

[cinque423]

OP, I also think it would be wise to seek some grief/loss therapy. I fear what you have done with Betty here is used her as an understudy for your wife and you haven't fully grieved and mourned and healed from her passing.

 

While I'm sure you enjoyed banging your wife's friend, you may have stunted your recovery from your wife's death. You had a stand-in for her so you never truly mourned, recovered and healed.

 

Had you taken your clergy's advice, you may have gone through your grief stages and by a year would have healed and been ready to date single, available women and started a new relationship on it's own merits instead of sleeping with the physical ghost of your wife and delaying your recovery and delaying the time to get out and meet an actual single and legitimate dating candidate.

 

Seek some counseling and get through your grief in a healthy and functional manner so you can get out on the legitimate dating market and not be an adulterer in some weird, dysfunctional, grief cycle that is hurting multiple people.

 

I have to agree with you here.

 

As soon as my wife was in the ground, I was with Betty. I never truly closed that chapter of my married which was probably why I didn't feel anything wrong with it.

 

It was also the way Betty reacted to me that seemed like she was missing sex also. She would have intense climaxes sometimes and her body would start jerking under me. She would grab me real tight and bite down on my neck ( which in that particular moment felt good to me).

 

She stated how the room would be spinning around in her head after one of her good orgasms. Sometimes I'd make her have multiple ones, one right after the other. She would get up to go and use the restroom and would walk like she was drunk, would bump into furniture on her way there.

 

She kept coming back for more, I never had to chase her, she would come and get me. Would text me to say she wanted some sex NOW!!!! Would be naked when I answered the door and would start taking my clothes off immediately. Many times we never even made it to the bed, end up on the floor half way there.

 

She became like a drug to me that I was addicted to and couldn't say no to. I had to have her and couldn't help myself. Like anything you are ADDICTED to you need counseling to get over it.