long story and whatnot, but a good one, im stuck

[RyanX]

so yeah this is my first post on here, but i just want some real help figuring out some things, this may seem like an off the wall story, ill condense it as much as possible, but still keep the vibes and whatnot. let me know what you think.

 

 

 

okay, so about 5 years ago i got a crush on this girl. i asked her out in school and she turned me down time after time, not to be mean or anything, she said she didnt know anything about me, didnt really know me all that well. so i mean, alright that sucks that she doesnt want to get to know me but whatever, it's fine, ill try to be her friend. so i talk to her mostly online for the next 4 years. the only real times that i would have solid contact face to face with her was on her birthday, every year, i didn't care if it was the only time that we talked all year, i got her a card and i got her a small gift and she'd hug me and be all happy, but that would be the last of it. so through the years we both went through our relationships and whatnot, lived and learned and towards the end of the 4 years i saw her at a flea market across the street from my house, i was by myself and she was with her at the time boyfriend i guess, i don't really remember. i stopped and said hi, showed her my new tattoos and went on with my buisness. it's funny now because she says that that was the first time that she ever really noticed that i was attractive. but back to the story. we kept in touch regulary throughout my moving and everything, it's all really a blur, times were moving so fast, but when i came back from my move, we still kept in touch. things went on as normal for a while, i played a show and invited her to come see us and she promised me she'd come. she did too, she was sick but kept to her word. i took that as being awesome, i hung out with her and after the show we kept in closer touch, made plans to hang out and whatnot. from there i got my interest from years ago back, i've never been one to hide how i feel, i feel as if i wear my heart on my sleeve a lot. so there were the long awesome nights of us going to wal-mart and me not wanting to go inside and sitting in the back of the parking lot telling her how i felt and going on for literally hours. i was so hopped up on this girl. and i had been, for literally years, i had a lot to say and i always did. we started going on a few dates and maybe 2 weeks later we decided that things could turn serious. so they did and that lasted about a year. the first couple months were great, we'd see each other every day, we were each other's best friend, support, everything, it was pure bliss. i got real wierd at a time and decided to take a break for a little bit, nothing malicous, i just wanted to find out what i wanted to do with myself, if i was ready to take this relationship for years to come, unfortunately i made the mistake of getting my judgement swayed by a girl that was a friend of mine, i guess she was interested in me, well worse comes to worse and stuff happened. after i saw her i was like "wow this was a stupid, stupid, stupid mistake" i told the girl that i thought what happened was really wrong and i shouldnt have even seen her, and i went back and repaired things with the girl of my dreams. it had only been about a week or a little more. we got back together and i never told her about what happened. she had her questions, like she knew something somehow but i never said a word about it. i had made a mistake, disgusted myself and everything and i felt absolutely terrible among other things, i made a mistake scarring myself. that sent me into a funk that lasted months, where i was just miserable. literally about 5 months. me and the girl i was with would still see each other every day and we would do everything on the planet, she'd do her best to make me happy and there were just days that i couldnt be upbeat, unfortunately those days were many, but i loved her, and i never stopped loving her whole heartedly. there was a lot of things that i shouldve done different, a lot of things i should have seen and appreciated more, i shouldnt have let my mind wander. and i regret every day that that girl may have felt bad. she truly is the nicest, most caring, and amazing girl that i've ever met, her heart is made out of pure gold, she's truly one of a kind, i've never met anyone even remotely close to her. she's like something out of a movie that i've never seen, beyond words. and through all of my down days, my down times, my mistakes, i never, ever did a thing that i would want to hurt her, cause her pain. everything i ever did was weight on my shoulders, unfortunately she was an innocent bystander to my swirling calamity. i'm in what i guess you would call a paradox. i love this girl so much that it's out of control and yet im sitting and beating myself down and allowing myself to be tempted and just negative, i never acted out after that, not for a long time. i just was down and out a lot. things went normal, well normal as the relationship being back on track. she did what she could to help me out and take care of me, under no obligation, out of the goodness of her heart, she would do things that i told her not to do, even though somewhere inside of me i wanted her to do them. she's truly amazing. even with me down and out for months, she stood by me and took care of her man. well i really started getting stupid, my old friends started coming around again and i started getting into trouble, being an a**h***, things of the sort, just in general. and i guess i kind of got swayed away from her a bit, to the point where it was like i was being convinced not to follow my heart. that's so sad, so upsetting for me to look back on now. well, one night me and 2 of my "friends" hung out with these 2 girls. they were stupid drunken girls and i didnt want to be around them. i got really angry through out the night but the other 2 kept getting it in thier heads that they wanted to do stuff with these girls. so we were driving around and whatnot, and my one friend was kissing both girls and whatnot, it's not really something to go into, but the one girl wanted me to come back with them, i didnt do it, but eventually by the end of the night i let the girl kiss me. turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life, my entire life. at this point with the girl of my dreams and everything, we were going through a stupid time, a rocky time where i was being really really out of it and just not myself. i blame my "friends" for that, but i blame myself as well. i love the girl more than life itself and i guess i was comfortable with a situation where i had something at home to come home to, my friend would poke fun or try to get me to pull stuff that i didnt really want to do, so i never did. just try to put me under him saying that i was done for life and all this stuff, make it seem like a terrible thing. though joking, i guess he was being serious or whatever. but still, as likely as an excuse that is, it's still an excuse. i guess my mind was half taken by that. but anyway, i guess the friend who was always saying this stuff got mad at me because the girl wasn't about him or whatever, i didnt want the girl, nothing to do with her, it was a stupid mistake letting her kiss me and whatnot. well the next day we go to a show that my girl wanted to go to but wouldnt drive to, i wasnt sure if my friend would be able to let her tag along, he was supposed to have a girl go with him and his car seats 4, if my girl wouldve went that wouldve been five. i asked her if she would drive and she said she didnt really want to, so instead of saying "well then sorry you cant go" i made a decision to tell her that i wasn't going, i was just going to hang out. i mean i don't want to come off as a terrible person and tell her she can't go and whatnot, that's just not me. i guess i shouldve been honest though. in the end i look back on it and say "by trying not to hurt her feelings, i lied and i guess i hurt myself" well we get back from the show and whatnot and uncharacteristically my one friend (the one who was obviously mad at me) went in for the night. so i went home and called my girl. asked her to stop by so we could go to the grocery store. she never showed up, didnt answer her phone, nothing. i knew something was wrong, really really wrong. so the next day came and i called her. to make a longer story short, my friend of 8 years went behind my back and for whatever reason, i think it was partial interest in my girl picked her up and went on a big long spree of telling her everything that i ever couldve done wrong, anything i couldve ever thought or said negative, anything at all, totally dimed me out on everything, things that were completely unnecessary to say. took her out to a diner and broke her heart. i found out about this and called the kid out to talk of it with the both of them. i came clean to the girl about everything, and told the "friend" of mine that you know, i messed up i guess it's my fault, whatever but what you did you shouldnt have done, and the usual scolding that ensues that. that was a month and a half ago. since that day i've talked things through and through with this girl. she still says she loves me, says she still cares, she knows how i feel and what i want. well this kid stayed in the picture for about a week and he kept pushing it and pushing it saying things like "when are you going to realize you can get someone better" and trying to put things in her face to remind her of everything he spilled to her. well it worked, she left me, said she didnt want a boyfriend, that we would be good friends, but that doesnt meant that things couldnt happen again. give it time. well i never knew what was going on, i was ditched out night after night after night for her friends and whatnot, that's all fine and whatnot, this girl is a saint, she's not going to be doing something stupid or anything of the sort, just spending time with her friends that weren't there for the past year. upon me asking her what's up, she'd get frustrated and everything, i don't think that there has been a day that has gone by that i havent spilled my heart to her, told her and or showed her how much i've loved her, done the most ridiculous things for her, including walking to her work in the rain to bring her breakfast and walking the half an hour back without a thank you or anything, just to be nice, just to be what i wanted to be to her. she tells me nothing goes unnoticed, nothing goes unappreciated and when i tell her i love her, i get nothing in return, maybe every once in a while, but it's usually just a nod or if i say it 30 times ill get "you know i love you". things of the sort, i tried to celebrate our one year anniversary and i gave her some things that i bought and everything, just the normal, i took her out on a date and everything. i just don't know how much if at all she's into me. i ask her and she doesnt want to talk to me about it. so i just try to continue to have my good times with her. well there will be days where she wont seem interested at all, for a few days we were on the don't message me, don't call me, give me a little space and this and that phase, and it tore me apart, tore me down to shreds, i lost my girl, my friends, upon 10,000 things that i couldnt afford to lose, left totally stranded and lost, with literally nothing at all to help me up. through this all, it's been a near impossible time for me to get through, i was so scared, so scared of myself, of her, of everything. it was to the point where i thought i was going to have to get some help, i was facing it all alone and i mean, the one thing in life that you have that deep of a care for ending things for reasons that it shouldn't have ended on and having things be on somewhat good terms, it was just too much to handle. was i supposed to believe that everything i've heard was a lie? the things she said about her never going away, that i was all this and all that and if we ever had a problem it would be worth it to work it out, living with that security but never minding it nor abusing it. to have it all go? i have the most faith in the world in that girl, i put a lot into her, emotionally and future plans as well, i mean, this wasn't a fling or anything of the sort, this was something that i was confident was going to be a life decision. i put my faith in her, in life, in love, i learned, and i lost. the lessons i learned all had wrong endings. it didnt seem to work right, going from a bad spot to an awesome spot for a year plus of my life and having everything end up worse than it started... that does a lot to put a black eye on the face of life. and unfortunately especially with my age and situation, im looking it right where it needs to be seen for beauty. but anyway.. through this all, this time since she's left, i've turned my life around, she said it was what she wanted to see, i did everything she wanted to see, normally that would take a few months, i did in a matter of weeks. she knows exactly how i feel, probably too well. i've given it my all and more, been there as much as i'm allowed, and even times when she'd rather me not do something or be there, i was. i've showed her what she needs to see, and done everything and more. ive matured, focused and corrected my mistakes.

 

 

she says she has interest in me

she's not looking at or for anyone else

she loves and cares about me, she'll tell me if she has to

there will be days where she'll kiss me on the side of the face or hug me at wierd times, it's not often, but happens

there will be times where our converstaion will end with a mutual "i love you"

 

 

but im hesitant to trust the situation

i hope to make her happy and i hope to make her feel secure

i have nothing but the best intents

 

last night she told me to take things slow, she's fine with me making her happy again. i guess that's her telling me that we're back on. i guess that's what i wanted to hear, we're dating again, taking things slow. but i think it's mostly me, i don't see very much coming from her, but i might be wrong, i don't know, i mean i just don't see things and there's a little bit of a trust issue, i mean, should i trust that this will work, she's giving me what i want, what i need with getting back into the relationship. she gave me basically permission to go back into it. so yeah.. thoughts? ill answer any questions to help or whatnot, i just need a source to grow off of with this issue, blind faces and open minds could really help my train of thought.

[moimeme]

Please, I beg you, cut that thing into paragraphs.

[tegteg]

Well it sounds like you beat youself up pretty well bout this.... GOOD..... Ya it sux not bein able to know things ahead of time, but seems like you have done very well and are doin better....

 

All in all tho, its not really your decetion if you want this relation ship to work... If she wants it to go SLLLOOOW then thats what needs to be done... After what has happend and shes still talking to you is a miracle in itself IMO... Just be thankful at this time your still halfway close and are both willin to keep trying

 

If it helps WITHOUT getting in the way of the relationship, get into a hobbie of some sort just to help pass time.. Wether its workin out, playin games, cars etc. try it, it helps

 

HTH

[RyanX]

yeah like i know what you're saying and all with that remark but i don't think you're seeing it right. there was never a time through all of this where there were even bad words spoken about one another, it was a very clean and i guess you'd call it nice break. it was more of a "taking a break until further notice" than a "i don't want to be with you" from day one of this problem, she's said that it's not necessarily over, just for right now she doesnt know what she wants. but she's been somewhat unintentionally stringing me around. it's just hard and i just need some helpful words