Did you feel fear at moving on

[ArtIsMyThing]

Did you feel fear at the thought of dating?

 

Did you feel terrified at the thought of having sex with someone.

 

Even though my husband divorced me - i feel that he would be the only man i will ever be with. I am terrified of the thought of dating and being with another man.

 

Its been one year and i dont believe i would ever take my husband back but i also dont want to be with anyone else but im also scared of being alone for the rest of my life.

 

I turned 50 the other day - is all of this worse as we get older?

[Akeru]

I am 40, and I have the same fears you do... Dating, Being Alone, Etc. - It has been 6.5 months for me. Have you tried dating? I haven't yet.

 

I'm told this is normal, and it just takes time to get there... at 6-12 months... it's still early... but, I keep telling myself, or my therapist -- yeah, but this is different, I truly think I honestly am the only one who feels this way b/c we had something different... and he laughs and says, yes - they all say it. It does get easier. So, I just have to go off that. He's been doing this for 30 some years, he's seen it.

[justaplottwist]

I think it is perfectly normal after you have experiences something traumatic...like divorce...that you have some reservations about experiencing romantic feelings with someone else...physically and emotionally.

 

I think when your brain heals...it does a VERY good job at protecting you from inflicting further damage...or repeating damage. Much like the old "touch a hot stove" metaphor that is often used.

 

It's just a security measure your brain is doing to protect you....so use it to your advantage.

 

Take things slow....try making friends with the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with being cautious....and anyone who would care for you as a friend would understand why you are cautious...and respect that.

 

I'm 47....and I don't think it's an age thing...but more of a really good healing thing your brain did.

 

I think coming out of a divorce with no trepidation towards dating would probably be more of a red flag.

[ArtIsMyThing]

Akeru - I have a deep belief in life after death and I have this idea in my head that it's ok to be apart now - i will see him in the afterlife - then i tell myself ffs stop that - i tell myself that life has me on a new journey now - and that will not include another man and then i get swept up in fear of spending my life alone and i start to shake - then the thought of dating makes me shake and i just hide behind my walls painting. I am moving back up to where my family is in a weeks time and at least i will start to have company - I am glad your therapist says everyone says that - maybe that is true.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I think it is perfectly normal after you have experiences something traumatic...like divorce...that you have some reservations about experiencing romantic feelings with someone else...physically and emotionally.

 

I think when your brain heals...it does a VERY good job at protecting you from inflicting further damage...or repeating damage. Much like the old "touch a hot stove" metaphor that is often used.

 

It's just a security measure your brain is doing to protect you....so use it to your advantage.

 

Take things slow....try making friends with the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with being cautious....and anyone who would care for you as a friend would understand why you are cautious...and respect that.

 

I'm 47....and I don't think it's an age thing...but more of a really good healing thing your brain did.

 

I think coming out of a divorce with no trepidation towards dating would probably be more of a red flag.

 

I am honest i saying i am traumatised - it took all my kids and my home and my business all at once - everything i thought was secure and all while i was in a medical crisis - a couple of crisis's actually - i should have died and i lived but yes i am traumatised mentally by all of the loss - his kids want to come see me and i keep saying i am going to see them because i am mum - i make bold statements of being ok and then i cant see them - its too traumatic and so where the girls are concerned i am now sticking with text messaging my love to them.

 

I like that you say its a security measure - that makes me feel heaps better about all of this - i cant make friends with a male and all of my friends are facebook only - i dont see real friends at all - as i said - i am moving back to be near my family in a week and hopefully this will start to give me some sense of security that was taken from me.

 

Thankyou for your input - i value it

[LoveMyCat]

Did you feel fear at the thought of dating?

 

Did you feel terrified at the thought of having sex with someone.

 

Even though my husband divorced me - i feel that he would be the only man i will ever be with. I am terrified of the thought of dating and being with another man.

 

Its been one year and i dont believe i would ever take my husband back but i also dont want to be with anyone else but im also scared of being alone for the rest of my life.

 

I turned 50 the other day - is all of this worse as we get older?

 

I am close to your age (few yrs older) and just left a 20-year marriage a few months ago. As of now, I can't imagine another man in my life, much less my bed, lol. I can more easily see going on without ever dating again, though maybe that will change. My husband and I did not have much of an intimate life in the past several years, making it that much more difficult to imagine starting over with someone entirely new. After not being "on the market" for 22+ years...I would not have any clue what type of man would even appeal to me, if any.

 

But...from what I gather from other women who have been through divorces later in life...it does happen. Apparently, there are plenty of men out there looking for another chance at love, or at least companionship. I guess one would have to make an effort, by taking part in social events, going out with friends,,etc...I am not there yet. Maybe you are not either. We all have our own timetables.

[ArtIsMyThing]

LoveMyCat - i am so glad (you get what i mean) that others feel as i do - i cant imagine having a man in my bed - a man saying to me 'no you cant do that' or 'what did you say that for' - not just sex but even thinking they could remotely tell me what to do or drive my car or access my bank account - any of those things - maybe it is right to say i am just not ready - obviously i am not lol

 

I think i want to go and help people - go back to my family - get a little job and then do some volunteer work - maybe foster some troubled kids - anything but get into another relationship ewwwww

 

I think i want to combine two things - love of helping others and art

 

live life alone but oh boy that scares me - i was raised to be a servant to my husband - him being the head of the house - me being the brains behind the head hahaha i make his coffee - he empties the rubbish bin - i run the business - he work it ---- all of this is a new world to me

[LoveMyCat]

LoveMyCat - i am so glad (you get what i mean) that others feel as i do - i cant imagine having a man in my bed - a man saying to me 'no you cant do that' or 'what did you say that for' - not just sex but even thinking they could remotely tell me what to do or drive my car or access my bank account - any of those things - maybe it is right to say i am just not ready - obviously i am not lol

 

I think i want to go and help people - go back to my family - get a little job and then do some volunteer work - maybe foster some troubled kids - anything but get into another relationship ewwwww

 

I think i want to combine two things - love of helping others and art

 

live life alone but oh boy that scares me - i was raised to be a servant to my husband - him being the head of the house - me being the brains behind the head hahaha i make his coffee - he empties the rubbish bin - i run the business - he work it ---- all of this is a new world to me

 

I am loving living alone. Had only done so very briefly way back when I was twenty. I should have tried to remember how much I liked it even then, lol.

I am disabled so I don't have a lot going on, but may also sign up for some mild volunteer work, nothing too physical. I read a book a day, practically, take a walk every day, buy groceries based on my cravings each day, try out recipes my husband would never have eaten, play with my cat, do my little chores (so easy to keep a little apartment neat and clean) and a few times a month, meet a friend or two for dinners or drinks. Honestly, a man is the very last thing on my mind. I do have one male friend, but I have known him since he was 19, and that was almost 25 years ago-strictly platonic.

 

My life feels so easy, compared to the 24/7 strain that existed in our house during recent years. I was always on edge due to my husband's moods, lack of sleep, unhappiness, etc.

 

As I said, I can't even picture a man in my life...or how he would come to be there, lol. It would have to be some random thing, i.e meet by chance, if anything. I don't think I could follow through with an actual planned date or fix-up.

[ralfgarnett]

This is so weird, only last night me and a female friend of mine had this very same conversation about ever meeting, dating, and sleeping with someone, I recently turned 50 and my friend is mid 40's and we both said the thought of it is just to werid and pinful to even contemplate either right now or any time in the near or dsiatnt future

[ArtIsMyThing]

I have never lived alone - i confess i isolated myself and really shut down and i find no joy in being alone in a house at all - i am moving to an apartment with full security screens so i am hoping i will feel better and my family will be able to come visit.

 

Ralf i genuinely dont think i could do it - i think i will just see him on the other side and kick his butt

[Lion Heart]

LoveMyCat - i am so glad (you get what i mean) that others feel as i do - i cant imagine having a man in my bed - a man saying to me 'no you cant do that' or 'what did you say that for' - not just sex but even thinking they could remotely tell me what to do or drive my car or access my bank account - any of those things - maybe it is right to say i am just not ready - obviously i am not lol

 

I think i want to go and help people - go back to my family - get a little job and then do some volunteer work - maybe foster some troubled kids - anything but get into another relationship ewwwww

 

I think i want to combine two things - love of helping others and art

 

live life alone but oh boy that scares me - i was raised to be a servant to my husband - him being the head of the house - me being the brains behind the head hahaha i make his coffee - he empties the rubbish bin - i run the business - he work it ---- all of this is a new world to me

 

Just relax. You've been through trauma of health crises and now complete loss. It could be beneficial to look at grief processes. You're grieving. Allow yourself to grieve. Get grief counselling even if its by phone.

I'm glad you're moving back to your family, ofcourse you'll feel better with the people who love you. Treat yourself as you would your best ever friend who's gone (and going thru) exactly what you're experiencing. Be kind to yourself.

 

And PLEEEEEAAAASE don't even think of sharing your bank accounts with anyone ever again!

Instead, later on, know that many things you may have done in the past left you wide open to be taken to the cleaners. Your money is your money from now on.

 

I'm 49. I am divorcing my cheating husband whether he stays or not! I've had to "protect" my money to raise 4 children with next to no financial security or support from said a**wipe for 15 long years.

 

Right now I'm setting up boundaries within this household (that I thought were already there, yep I'm a chump) and should we divorce and he not live with us, I will always have similar boundaries. This is what learnings all about.

 

You need time to heal on multiple levels.

Time with family.

Good quality counselling.

Lots more safe time with family!

Time with female friends and lots of it. ONLY Female.

Get a vibrator, easy to replace when they break! Lol

 

You have time now to re-write your future. It's coming anyway so you may as well dictate some things for yourself.

 

As hard as it may seem, the more you put into yourself now, in ANY way then the better off you'll be. I got stupid false nails that drive me crazy but gosh they're fun. Plus I'm keeping up a fake tan and other stuff at the beautician. AND I bought HEAPS of brand new matching underwear. I'm donating my pre D Day clothing that I don't like and don't make me feel my best etc. I've never spoilt myself ever. I'm absolutely struggling with doing anything for myself but I need to. I'm copying what other women do who look after number one and I'm determined to continue no matter what.

 

You have to come first. Your daughters who love you and miss you are and will come to you as gifts in your future. BUT you will need to set clear boundaries with them too but only to protect yourself. If I were you, I would ask them to give you time to heal. If you feel you want to continue having them in your life later when you move then I would request that they speak nothing about their father's anything. NC there. You may even crave to know but don't go there. NC. When the time comes, be honest and clear with them, tell them why and like everyone else in his circle, they will respect this because they respect you.

 

Play lots of upbeat, motivating music. Cry when you want to. Love yourself. Do everything it takes to get your power back. Don't scare yourself to sh**ty pieces by putting unfair demands on yourself. Dating is NOT AND I REPEAT NOT!!!!! on your options list at all atm. If you dated now! Errrggghhhh G** knows what type of man you'd attract. And not because you're not worthy (it's bl**dy obvious you are) but because you're not ready.

 

Look at your good qualities!

Look at your skills!

Onwards and upwards.

Clear slate.

Writing your incredible future.

 

Come on girlfriend, you can do it.

 

Blessings are bountiful.

 

Hugs

Lion Heart.

[ArtIsMyThing]

Lion Heart what can i say - awesome awesome reply to me - thankyou.

 

I loved him - you know how it goes - he was my world as were his kids who are all now grown up.

 

I am excited to go make my new world - i am broken in my back but i want to go find a little part time job - one of my family members runs an organisation that helps put people who are broken back into the workforce - i am excited to go get a job.

 

9 more days and i move.

 

I have two incredible art pieces planned but right now my canvasses are packed ready for the removalist.

 

I have participated in raising 9 kids and worked 7 days a week - i have never spoilt me at all - i now do that with my canvases - i only paint on the highlest quality 10lb linen and they are specially made for me at a huge price hahaha but oh when my brush goes over them - i am off in heaven

 

Theres an organisation up there that does crafts with elderly people and im going to go volunteer teaching to paint one day a week.

 

I will go shopping with my mum, fishing with my dad - baby sit greats and have family bbq's - i truly am excited to go and the last 9 days is aghh

 

I have been in a self imposed prison for one year now - its time to get paroled.

 

Your right about my girls - i am mum and the only mum they know - they know im putting them off - they were coming here and all id hear is their dad - one told me how much she hates him for what he has done to me and i had to be the adult and tell her her dad loves her - and when she left i was hysterical - i think once i get back to my family i will be able to reestablish group settings with them - but your right on boundaries,

 

I have finally gone no contact with him as of 3 days ago - this healing has been dragged out with contact - 15 to 20 messages a day and ive gone no contact a zillion times and this time ive had enough.

 

The problem with the girls is they are trying to protect me and so they set their father up as all innocent - never goes anywhere - never does anything and i know they are lying because of the messages he has been sending me - he has told them he has no contact with me - what he is doing is very cruel and to do that to someone he claimed to love and who he knew was sick - is beyond cruel - hes a idiot.

 

I wish you nothing but the best with your choices you are making - take care of those kids and you

 

I have been blessed with an incredible gift for art and a wonderful family. I will be fine.

 

I could think of nothing worse then to bring someone into my life lol i dont even have girlfriends - i have just been all about work, kids and hubby - i have literally had one year behind closed doors alone - i think that alone has send me madder then a cut snake - all day message after message aghhh

 

gawd lol how i have survived all of this i will never know except to say im a pretty strong person.

 

I have a disease (i wont name it because it could identify me) but im one of only 8 people in the world with it - i had to go see my specialist the other day - my birthday actually - and considering i should have been dead a year ago - he thinks im doing awesome. I am now officially recovered from what took me out the picture health wise Life can only go better from here.

 

But i really am grateful for your post. Thankyou sweet