Nattie Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Well, MM and I both left our spouses. He left before I did, as he's staying with family for now, but I found a place to rent and followed soon behind as promised. We had no DDay, YET, because we aren't openly together around our circle of friends yet, but once word gets out, pieces of the puzzle will come together, and it'll be pretty obvious how long this has been going on. We're both very happy in our decision, but there are things that you cannot prepare for, and have to deal with as they come at you. Kids. I knew they would be upset, and mine are actually taking things very well (I credit that to the peaceful, drama free split between H and I) but I miss them terribly when they're with him. MM's kids are angry. Their mother has initiated multiple fights in front of them, and has intentionally involved them in ways that as a mother, really appalls me. She doesn't know about me, if she did I can't imagine what she'd subject them to. Children don't deserve to have to deal with adult issues, and these kids really have no idea what a loving, happy home feels like. And spare me the comments on how I created this unhappy situation entirely, because that's far from true. Change in general. I don't miss H, but I do miss my home. It's a lot to deal with. Whether change is good, or bad it can be a hard adjustment. Family input. MM's extended family is thrilled, and that's an understatement. I've met a few of them and they are overjoyed to see him so happy, but on the other hand, mine want nothing to do with me right now. It's only been a few weeks, we have a very long way to go, but not once have we doubted our love, OR that this was the right thing to do. One day at a time we'll get there. Best of luck and well wishes to everyone out there. Whether you're NC, still in an A, or in the process of taking the next step, we all deserve happiness. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 So others in MM's family know of you two but his (ex) wife and kids don't know. Your H has no clue and you two split up peacefully and with respect because he really doesn't know the truth of why you two are divorcing. When this comes out and it will, people (spouses, kids) will put two and two together. Anyway, please keep your kids away from him for at least a year or more, allow them to adjust and get used to their lives changing. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Credit for taking the step of leaving your spouses. Good luck to you. The big "but": his family knows about your relationship and no one else does? That seems like it could make the other dynamics - the amicability of your split with your H - tenuous. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Yup - credit for leaving spouses, but you know yourself that's just part of the story... you're no where close to living authentically and this is probably the calm before the storm. Buckle in, its about to get turbulent. It seems everyone gets to be happy - except the kids and ex spouses, but hey... if its the right thing to do, its the right thing to do. Keep us posted and good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Reading your back story, I think a huge Good Luck is needed. Proceed with caution. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Big step Nattie, hope everything turns out well. Thanks for sharing your story and keeping us here posted. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) I'm so happy for you two! Congratulations! As far as what other people think and know, I would never, ever tell anyone about your affair and I wouldn't do anything that made it obvious. Let people suspect all they want but I wouldn't say a word about it, and I wouldn't tell the spouses. Really, what's the point? This is a private issue between you and your guy and there's no need to talk about it because people love to get on their soapboxes, and it causes unnecessary pain. Once it's said, it can't be taken back. Anyway, I sure wish you both the best. Be honest with one each other about the transition, how it makes you feel, etc --- that way, you can empathize with one another. Best wishes! Edited February 7, 2015 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) Oh wow. I went back and read over your threads . You've come a long way Nattie, from declaring your husband to be wonderful and your best friend and stating you were never leaving your marriage to this. Gotta say, that's a big gamble. From all accounts you had a good and stable marriage with a loving man, and you've tossed it aside for man who pursued you relentlessly in the workplace until you caved... KnowiNg you were both married. Yep, as a pre poster said... Caution. This could backfire badly. I hope you both work through the reasons you so easily breached those boundaries in the first place, because if I was honest, I'd say you sound really foggy and of I was you, I wouldnt be sure I could ever really trust. But yeah, as I said before, good luck. Edited February 7, 2015 by Sassy Girl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Well, MM and I both left our spouses. He left before I did, as he's staying with family for now, but I found a place to rent and followed soon behind as promised. We had no DDay, YET, because we aren't openly together around our circle of friends yet, but once word gets out, pieces of the puzzle will come together, and it'll be pretty obvious how long this has been going on. We're both very happy in our decision, but there are things that you cannot prepare for, and have to deal with as they come at you. Kids. I knew they would be upset, and mine are actually taking things very well (I credit that to the peaceful, drama free split between H and I) but I miss them terribly when they're with him. MM's kids are angry. Their mother has initiated multiple fights in front of them, and has intentionally involved them in ways that as a mother, really appalls me. She doesn't know about me, if she did I can't imagine what she'd subject them to. Children don't deserve to have to deal with adult issues, and these kids really have no idea what a loving, happy home feels like. And spare me the comments on how I created this unhappy situation entirely, because that's far from true. Change in general. I don't miss H, but I do miss my home. It's a lot to deal with. Whether change is good, or bad it can be a hard adjustment. Family input. MM's extended family is thrilled, and that's an understatement. I've met a few of them and they are overjoyed to see him so happy, but on the other hand, mine want nothing to do with me right now. It's only been a few weeks, we have a very long way to go, but not once have we doubted our love, OR that this was the right thing to do. One day at a time we'll get there. Best of luck and well wishes to everyone out there. Whether you're NC, still in an A, or in the process of taking the next step, we all deserve happiness. *Your* happiness is coming at a cost and it may take a few more years for this to sort itself out. One thing that has struck me in all that you wrote: MM's extended family is thrilled, and that's an understatement. I've met a few of them and they are overjoyed to see him so happy, but on the other hand, mine want nothing to do with me right now. Of course not the only thing you have wrote to imply that your MM'S BW is the keeper of your MM'S happiness and she is to be blamed. Sure, his family thinks she is a b*tch and just wants to see your MM happy. What does it say about you that your family doesn't want anything to do with you? Do they not want you to be happy too? I agree, happiness is important... but for all involved. You are still in an A. Happy endings include total transparency... no more lies/hiding.... healthy co-parenting and effective healing. There is nothing authentic about this right now. It seems like a train wreck.... heading towards another... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Oh wow. I went back and read over your threads . You've come a long way Nattie, from declaring your husband to be wonderful and your best friend and stating you were never leaving your marriage to this. Gotta say, that's a big gamble. From all accounts you had a good and stable marriage with a loving man, and you've tossed it aside for man who pursued you relentlessly in the workplace until you caved... KnowiNg you were both married. Yep, as a pre poster said... Caution. This could backfire badly. I hope you both work through the reasons you so easily breached those boundaries in the first place, because if I was honest, I'd say you sound really foggy and of I was you, I wouldnt be sure I could ever really trust. But yeah, as I said before, good luck. You would be surprised how often this happens. You will also be surprised how often the wife begs the husband for a second chance. I don't know if this is going to be the case here, but I do know numbers. Statistics say that this relationship will not last, in fact, it only has a 10% success rate. IMO, I think both individuals are so deep in the fog that they don't know what they are doing. One (if not both) is going to wake up pretty soon. My money is on MM. I think what's going to do it is when this affair comes to light. Once the relationship comes out in the open, somebody is going to piece it together. MM is having a hard time with his family not knowing about the affair. Imagine what his life with his children will be like once they learn the real reason for the divorce. Same can be said for you as well OP. Your separation is peaceful because your husband doesn't know about the affair. Your divorce can turn really nasty if he does learn of it. I know its not what you want to hear, but I don't see a happy ending to this. As one poster said, this is the calm before the storm. As everybody else is saying good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I don't know the back story but what you have done here is more respectful that continuing to lie and deceive and disrespect your husband any longer. There is no one that has a crystal ball on how this will turn out but since you have taken the time to look for advice you probably have read and know that marriages or relationships born out of infidelity have a lower chance of long term success. Time will tell for you . Only advice I would give you now that you both have left is for the first time in a while be honest. You may not miss your husband romantically but show him the respect and tell him why you left so he can truly love on. The father of your children deserves that much and if you think continuing to deceive your children will help you I think you are wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I don't know your back story Nattie, but I am one who ended up in a long term, loving relationship with my MM. My advice to you is take it slow. I have said it before but I truly believe what made our relationship work is that we slowed down, didn't immediately live together. I had to make a move 1700 miles to be with my guy and even then we did not move together. I rented a house about a mile from him and we dated. We were quiet about things until the divorce was handled. When we went public we dated, still not l living together. We really had to get reacquainted out of the affair dynamic and THAT, my friend, was the most important thing for us. We have a very good relationship, more pure and loving than any I have known, and we work at it every single day. Nothing is left to chance. Make sure you do the work, be honest with one another, take care of your kids and r remember there will be hurdles. The worst part for us was his ex. She made things miserable (understandably) and still does even now if she can. I would not tell anyone about the affair. Just move on. It won't help anyone now. I wish you luck and peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Thanks guys. Contrary to popular belief, we're not in a fog at all. Yes, this did start as a typical workplace affair, I admit that, but it's not impossible for genuine feelings to develop. Not just love, but friendship. My H is a great guy. I struggled with that. He's caring, and a great father, I was having trouble justifying a separation, but you know what, we you don't love someone in that way you cannot force it. My family wants nothing to do with me for two reasons. One being that they love him. Everyone does, and I really do hope he finds someone who will be the partner to him that he truly deserves. Second, is we've done a pretty good job of painting the perfect picture from the outside. A perfect life, perfect house, perfect careers, perfect kids. Inside it was anything but. A house divided and a completely sexless marriage (which had been a problem in the past, long before MM). It's come as a shock to a lot of people. Bottom line is nobody deserves to live a lie. I feel like I have actually grown up a lot since meeting MM and I see the big picture very clearly. If and when people find out how this all came to be, affair details (which we won't offer, but you know, people aren't stupid) my H will definitely be hurt, but he's not going to cause a big uproar. We're just not the type to act that way, and we're focused on the kids now and helping them transition as smoothly as possible. The kids will NOT meet MM for a substantial period of time. That's not even an option anytime in the near future. I'm not concerned with statistics, or the fact that we have a 10% chance of making it in the long run. It turned into a deeper love and friendship than I ever could have hoped for. I made a decision, so did he, and we went with it. I'll check back in here and there and keep everyone posted 3 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Good luck. Hope you find your peace. Gently, don't make the mistake of thinking you know how your h will react if he finds out. Learning you've been betrayed by the one person you chose to trust is life changing. Even the most calm, loving, caring and composed person can lose their sh!!t. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 First of all I wish you both well but I also want you to think about some things I am saying to you this is a big step in life and any step we make could be a move that changes things that we wish we had not done.It seems odd that his family is so happy about the happiness of the infidelity of you MM.Why was he so unhappy anyway we can be unhappy with a relationship but we are responsible for our own happiness.I do not mean this rude in any way but maybe your family sees you have given someone good up and know the struggles you may have here in near the future. I bet his family had open arms for his wife in the beginning also. I am wondering why his family would want the Dad not to be there everyday for their Grandchildren.You made a comment stating Children don't deserve to have to deal with adult issues, and these kids really have no idea what a loving, happy home feels like. Is this coming from your MM. Remember his wife is a victim in this and why would he tell you things were anything but bad in their marriage furthermore he was raising these children with his wife so their happiness also reflects back on him.. I feel for his wife and kids and its to bad he is not as honest as you have been on your part. Does his wife have any Idea to why they are Divorcing is he saying hes cheating and found someone else or is he blaming her? This could have a lasting effect on her. The reason I am bringing this to your attention is that someday this could be you I know you do not want to hear this but this new feeling does wear off. You have only just begun and their is many more steps to go.Is he older then you? I wish the best for everyone concerned and wish happiness. big hugs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I also read your story and I really hope you left your marriage because you thought it needed to end and not solely for the sake of being with the MM. There's a reason people say you shouldn't leave just to be with someone else. You have taken a big leap here and there is a real possibility that you may end up with neither your husband or the MM. That's not a bad thing necessarily. If the MM's family and possibly other people know of the affair then the chances of keeping it a secret forever are pretty slim. Your family is already upset with you, how will you deal with the MM's wife finding out what really happened and telling everyone including your husband and your family? Your husband may be amicable right now and he may even remain amicable when he learns of the affair but it's going to be a huge punch in the gut to him. It will mess him up for several years. What are your and the MM's plans to turn this from an affair into an open healthy relationship? How will you learn to trust each other? Right now you have both spent a couple of years watching each other lie and cheat and while neither of you can point a finger at each other, witnessing that kind of behavior (even if you are guilty of the same behavior) has a way of eroding a relationship. Are you two planning to get some therapy to help you overcome the years of deceit and too find healthier ways to cope with relationship issues? I would think the first step to overcoming the dishonesty and gaining trust in each other would be to stop the lies right now. Both you and he need to come clean and start living honest authentic lives starting today and then maybe your new relationship will have a real chance of surviving. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) As a mother, you are appalled at his wife? As a mother, I'm appalled that you judge her when you just ruined your kids intact family. You never waivered in the choice to leave your family, yet she's the selfish mom? Unbelievable. Poor kids, collateral damage on their parents quest for happiness. Oh well. They'll get over it. Sorry so harsh. It just seems crazy to celebrate the end of two families with a "we did it". You can have a new beginning but don't lose sight of the fact that these kids have had their worlds turned upside down. Don't get so wrapped up in your own happiness that you avoid their pain. Divorce is hard enough for kids with two emotionally healthy parents, and you two are still lying and sneaking around. And don't focus so much on BWs horrible mothering skills, instead examine the reality of how your own actions will affect your kids and your relationship with them, years into the future. Edited February 7, 2015 by Quiet Storm 19 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 You sound like the perfect couple, wish you both the best. Divorces shouldn't take too long if all the betrayed spouses are on board. Child care, spousal support, splitting assets, all will eventually sort themselves out. Only thing missing is honesty, starting off in a new relationship and lying about it kind of makes it look........, you come up with the suitable word. Your family will eventually come on side once your soon to be ex husband starts dating. You will get over the loss of your old home once ex husband starts having sleep overs in it, it won't mean the same after that to you or him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Im the first person to not condone affairs but I do give you credit for ending things with your spouses that takes guts. I do hope you guys come clean tho before its exposed better to find out in private that your wife has been cheating on you then to find out from friends. If he was as good a husband as you say then surely he deserves that from you. Far as your MMs family I wouldn't bet they all dont know if the extended dose the imed is not far behind family's have a way of leaking out juicey info after all..other then that best of luck on the transition and heres hoping your new relashionship ends better then the last.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) Thanks for most of the responses. I'm not a sugar coater, so I will dish out an honest dose of reality here. 1. Darn straight I'm celebrating with a "we did it". It's been a long road here. Life is too short. Nothing is guaranteed and as an adult I have the right to be with the man I love. 2. No, I don't feel one bit sorry for his wife. I don't have to get into detail, but yes she darn sure did ask for this. She's rude, nasty, yells all the time, criticizes everything, and no I'm not basing that of MM. I have heard her on the phone, I have heard from multiple family members, she was even nasty to our coworkers when she would call before the A even started. Some people are miserable, and think after years and years there's nothing that could drive a spouse away. Guess what. There is. I'm not in love with my husband, but I'd never be that rude and spiteful. So with that I repeat, no, I do NOT feel bad for her. 3. For the record, I am a fabulous mother, and I do not think it's right to INTENTIONALLY drag your children through marital issues. My H would never in a million years say " your mom doesn't love me anymore " and make them feel like they have to pick a side. Yes I will judge her as a mother for using those kids as a way to inflict pain on him. I can only hope that in a few years his kids can benefit from a happy home with us. Bottom line is, not all R's are the same. Marriages, affairs, blended families. Not all BS's are miserable hags, but you can bet some sure are. Not all MM are dirtbags and serial cheaters. Not all relationships that began as affairs are doomed for failure. Sometimes you meet your match, and it's when and where you least expect it. I'm not a naive idiot, we will have struggles as with any relationship. I'm not expecting glitter and rainbows 24/7, but we are adults and if we want to go through life together, that's our choice. Edited February 7, 2015 by Nattie 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Thanks for most of the responses. I'm not a sugar coater, so I will dish out an honest dose of reality here. 1. Darn straight I'm celebrating with a "we did it". It's been a long road here. Life is too short. Nothing is guaranteed and as an adult I have the right to be with the man I love. 2. No, I don't feel one bit sorry for his wife. I don't have to get into detail, but yes she darn sure did ask for this. She's rude, nasty, yells all the time, criticizes everything, and no I'm not basing that of MM. I have heard her on the phone, I have heard from multiple family members, she was even nasty to our coworkers when she would call before the A even started. Some people are miserable, and think after years and years there's nothing that could drive a spouse away. Guess what. There is. I'm not in love with my husband, but I'd never be that rude and spiteful. So with that I repeat, no, I do NOT feel bad for her. 3. For the record, I am a fabulous mother, and I do not think it's right to INTENTIONALLY drag your children through marital issues. My H would never in a million years say " your mom doesn't love me anymore " and make them feel like they have to pick a side. Yes I will judge her as a mother for using those kids as a way to inflict pain on him. I can only hope that in a few years his kids can benefit from a happy home with us. Bottom line is, not all R's are the same. Marriages, affairs, blended families. Not all BS's are miserable hags, but you can bet some sure are. Not all MM are dirtbags and serial cheaters. Not all relationships that began as affairs are doomed for failure. Sometimes you meet your match, and it's when and where you least expect it. I'm not a naive idiot, we will have struggles as with any relationship. I'm not expecting glitter and rainbows 24/7, but we are adults and if we want to go through life together, that's our choice. Wow! I hope you get everything you so richly deserve. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Do you feel sorry for your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 There's no pleasing everyone. It's not right to stay in a broken marriage just for the kids, but tearing apart their "perfect intact family" is wrong too. Personally I'd rather show them what a loving relationship looks like, not only by my example, but when my H finds someone who loves and appreciates him as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nattie Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 Do you feel sorry for your husband? Yes, but I know in the long run he will be better off. I asked him if he wanted a marriage out of pity over love and he said absolutely not. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Yes, but I know in the long run he will be better off. I asked him if he wanted a marriage out of pity over love and he said absolutely not. He sounds like a good one. I hope he never finds out about your affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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