Distance is killing us

[littlebitlost86]

I'm in an online-only LDR with a fantastic girl who I am in love with (yeah yeah, I know:rolleyes:)

 

The problem is, the distance is killing us.

I'm in Australia, she's in the US.

We have plans to meet in early December & we have discussed the possibility of a future together after that if all goes well.

I am sure once we are together things will be fine but I'm worried that at the moment the distance is causing problems that may stop that from ever happening

 

The main thing is the schedule.

Due to time zones, & my work hours, the only time we can talk is VERY late at night or early in the morning for her.

She works afternoon shift (only 5 hour days but 7 days a week) & has so far put up with the disrupted sleep schedule but it's starting to affect her.

 

We both know this relationship is hurting her & while she normally says she's happy to tough it out I don't know. We still have 9 odd months...

 

She's obviously EXTREMELY tired all the time. Her sleep patterns are all over the place. She also seems generally unhappy sometimes & we've been disagreeing quite a bit. Sometimes constructively over genuine issues, sometimes not.

 

She's a very sexual person & we were having phone sex quite a lot but have recently stopped completely. She's enjoying it at the time but says she feels so lonely afterwards, even though I always stay on the phone with her & have a normal conversation, never making her feel used.

She says her sex drive has also just plummeted altogether, even without me.

She misses affection & physical contact...

 

Also sometimes things just seem stale on the phone. We still have conversations that just flow but now there are others that are very strained which is a new thing that just happened suddenly.

I assume this is her being tired & us both being people who feed off the energy of others. If she's quiet I'm quieter than I normally might be...

 

With the sleep schedule change she's also given up a lot of her other daily activities. She says she's so tired that she basically works, sleeps & talks to me. I know that isn't healthy

 

I should mention that she has family issues going on which she says are another possible cause for her unhappiness & low libido, etc.

She's also unhappy with her job, her apartment & other aspects of her life.

 

The hard part is knowing that ALL of that could be solved if we were together.

 

I almost feel like I should be walking away for her sake.

I feel like surely she would be happier, healthier & better off without me.

I've voiced this & she disagrees but I'm sure deep down she knows.

 

Her disagreeing is only part of the reason I'm still here.

Selfishness plays a part too. As much as I know I'm bad for her I don't want to give her up.

It will kill me to do so...

 

Anyway, just a rant I guess.

There's no questions that can be answered but thoughts are welcome

[emi]

Well i have a friend, he did a LDR with a woman from Australia meanwhile hes from USA.

He said the hours gap was 17 hours. They broke up, not because of distance but because something else, im not sure.

I didnt know how did he manage to talk with her, but i know hes working shift and his sleep pattern is messed up as well.

So well, since you asked. Maybe talk little in weekday and alot on weekend? Maybe small voice record chat to let her know you thinking about her instead of whole conversation on the fone?

Sometime when you spend much time with other person, you become clingy and unhealthy, you need a space for her and you to grow and be function normal. But well, the distance in your case is very large, its extremly hard to balance out. I feel you

[d0nnivain]

The whole thing is unrealistic. It has no future until you can actually meet. Forget the time zone thing; the problem is going to be immigration.

 

 

Once you meet IRL this may not work out at all.

[KatZee]

I have to unfortunately agree with the above.

 

What expectation do you have for this to actually be a real thing? You're from Australia, she's from the US. Is either of you planning to jump countries or something? If not, this is something that just needs to end.

 

Speaking on the phone is not a relationship. And what you're both doing is impacting both of your lives negatively. Neither of you have lives outside of each other because of the need to be in contact at odd hours.

 

So, you meet in December. Then what? You go back to a long distance relationship for another year? How do you see this as being sustainable?

 

LDR's are hard enough when people are in the same country, even mere states away. Real intimacy is when two people spend time together, not just through electronic devices. If you have no plans to move to the US, and she has no plans to move to Australia, and you never see each other, then the connection you two have is naturally going to die out.

[littlebitlost86]

Thanks emi.

 

D0nnivain & KatZee, thank you also.

I'm not at all worried about the long term portion of all this if things go well upon meeting.

It's really just about making it to that meeting in December.

 

I didn't go into it much on the first post but things like immigration visas, etc have already been looked into.

& yes, she is willing & wanting to move to Australia.

[okc85]

Yeah, this sounds unhealthy for both of you.

[d0nnivain]

If you are realistic about this & don't invest too much until you meet, you can do a lot to keep in touch.

 

 

Make a once per week date to Skype, even if only for a few minutes because it will be night for one & morning for the other. Alternate if you can

 

 

Send e-mails, texts & social media posts.

 

 

Send snail mail. This is very important. With all the electronic communication, something tangible makes you feel more connected. Small care packages can also help

 

 

Way back when I had an LDR whenever one of us did something even a little out of the ordinary we'd send the other one a trinket from there. Since I live outside NYC, if I went there, I'd send him and I :heart: NY pencil or some other cheap trinket. He lived near Disney so when friends came to town & he had to take them, I'd get an eraser or something.