Having a hard time forming friendships

[juststarry6443]

I'm turning 21 next month & the fact tht I have no friends has come to my realization. I have acquaintances some who call me there friend, but I don't.

I know it's mainly my fault...I'm essentially broken. I don't trust. I don't like feelings. I know it has a lot to do with the effect of my first heartbreak. I changed. The instant someone is like I wanna be your friend or you're my best friend. I'm shocked & then I'm like woah don't go there.

To be honest I feel stupid for feeling the need to ask but I really don't know how it feels like to find/have a friend. When do you know?

There are a few ppl tht I've known for years & hang out with once in awhile when there's a party but I don't have girls nights out or just have any close knit friends to ever just make plans with & whom I can talk & catch up about life with.

I starting to feel like it's too late for me to make those lifelong friends now. it's just making me depressed.

my boyfriend & my dog are my best friends. but my boyfriend has his own friends lots of them & my dog can't go everywhere I want to go. I'm starting to think tht whts best for me is to end my relationship because I need to work on mending my broken self. I never thought I was broken before. I thought I was strong. I thought I was overcoming a heartbreak. I thought I was learning my lesson to be careful with the ppl you choose to trust. But I've realized I'm broken because I just push ppl away & never wanna express my true feelings. why don't I have friends?!?

[Downtown]

I'm broken because I just push ppl away & never wanna express my true feelings. why don't I have friends?!?

Starry, you seem to be describing strong fears of abandonment and engulfment. If you really do have those fears at a strong level, you almost certainly got them in early childhood (probably before age five), not from the recent breakup you mention. Those two fears, when combined with an inability to trust and your hating to be alone, are warning signs that -- perhaps due to a childhood trauma -- you had no opportunity to acquire some emotional-control skills that others learn at a young age.

 

I therefore suggest you see a psychologist to find out what you may be dealing with. If the problem is identified as being the missing emotional skills, there are psychologists who are very good at teaching those skills. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a look at my discussion of the abandonment and engulfment fears in Rebel's Thread to see if they sound very familiar. If so, I would be glad to discuss them with you. As I try to explain in that thread, the problem with having BOTH of those fears is that you will always be in a lose-lose situation in close LTRs. No matter what you do, you always lose.

 

The reason is that, as you draw close to your partner for the intimacy you crave, you quickly will start feeling engulfed, i.e., suffocated and controlled by his strong personality. Yet, as you back off to give yourself breathing room, you will unavoidably trigger your abandonment fear and your lack of tolerance for being alone. Sadly, this lose-lose situation occurs because those two fears lie at the opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum. Hence, moving away from the triggers for one fear will always draw you closer to the triggers for the other fear. If this is happening to you, the solution is to acquire the emotional skills that will give you the ability to greatly reduce both fears. Take care, Starry.

[CrystalShine2011]

Friends are great to have, but try to find things that make you happy apart from other people. Do you have any specific hobbies you like? What makes you truly happy?

 

What I found is that I would try to surround myself with so many people to make myself "happy" when in reality I was running from any hurt in my life. I then found myself in the same position: feeling like I had no true friendships, engulfing myself with my boyfriend and pets, and never really forming relationships that would last. I had to BE happy first before I could sustain those friendships.

[sportygirl89]

I joined a gym and got involved in community there. Also, I started going back to church again. If you're in college, most churches will have bible studies, social events for the different generations (or even a young professional group). I know church is not everyone's cup of tea. But it's worked for me. A lot of my friends left my university (graduated). I started getting depressed. Started getting involved in whatever I could.