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[Was_strong]

I couldn't think of a better title. I can barely type the words written here. I'm shaking. I've been vomiting. I'm hoping by posting something small here I can find some way of slowing down my mind. I'm a man who is usually a fine writer and my thoughts are known for being clear. Now my mind is spinning as if I am on some mind altering poison. So forgive me for everything that I write here.

 

I've been pacing for nearly 12 hours and I haven't eaten a thing. I'm not sure I could even hold down a sip of water.

 

Some background. My wife-I will continue to address her as such for the moment, and I have two grown children. We have had a storybook marriage. Both of us are Ivy League educated and I have been successful in everything I have done--until now, or maybe unbeknownst to me, maybe my marriage has been an illusion.

 

Me? I guess most people would describe me as a typical alpha male. I've never seen myself as typical. I don't surf porn. I'm extremely sexually driven but have never firted or even considered cheating on my wife. I'm the guy that women throw themselves at. I get stares anytime I'm out. My wife is thin, tall with a very powerful personality. I fell in love with her for her strength, character and intellect.

 

I was strong, but as I write this I struggle to see through a waterfall of unending tears.

 

On Friday my wife left for a weekend trip to London. I wasn't snooping. I opened her laptop to watch some YouTube videos. I am very interested in music. What I saw has ended the life that I thought I had-- explicit photos of her that she has posted to some kind of fetish site. I'll spare you the details.

 

I've had no calls from her or texts. When I think about it now it's always me that initiates the texts when she is out of town.

 

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. For the first time in what I thought was a charmed life I am lost. I have never felt this ill. I feel like I'm actually falling apart. It's as if my spirit is now leaving me.

 

At first I thought writing here would help but as I finish this I am slipping back into madness.

[Sticky Fingers]

I'm sorry that you are experiencing what nobody should ever experience, betrayal.

 

Do you have friends or family members that you can go to for support? If not, please seek a trained therapist as soon as possible.

 

Most all of us here have gone through what you are going at this moment. Married or divorced, you will make it. You are not alone.

[jm2013]

was_strong,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. A lot of of us have been where you're at right now sitting in disbelief and right there with you in sickness, mind movies and uncontrollable thoughts. Your body and mind right now are numb to the world. The woman you married and shared your life with is not the person you thought she was. Understand this is not your fault but a flaw in your wife you missed over the years. Now that you shell has been broken you'll start uncovering who she really is and will probably make you that much more sick to your stomach.

 

The steps you take now are crucial to how you want this to play out. Are you going to confront her right away? Prepare to be lied to, trickle truth and have your evidence minimized over and over again. If you give all your evidence up right now you may not be able to get access to even more information. I'm not sure how far down the rabbit hole you want to go but there is typically much more to the story than what a wayward spouse leads on to. When she looks you in the eyes crying and saying it was a mistake don't let your feelings for her wipe away what is important here. Most likely she'll want you to forgive her right away and sweep all of this under the rug and live on happily ever after.

 

The reality is your marriage will never be the same again. She has breached your trust and completely disrespected you. You sit there and wonder how the love of your life, your confidant was able to betray you like this. You will never find the answer you're looking for and your brain will run tired trying to get it. What you have done in your marriage has no bearing of her cheating on you. You need to understand that none of this is your fault. She shoulders all of the blame for her actions. So please don't blame yourself for her piss poor decisions.

 

Also, don't make rash decisions. Take your time before you start saying you're going to do one thing or another unless of course cheating is your deal breaker and you just want to rid yourself of her. While many people say cheating is their deal breaker you'd be surprised how many people attempt reconciliation. Reconciliation is for some but not all. It is an extremely tough road but CAN happen if your wife is truly remorseful. You should know this rather quickly in the coming weeks. When my wife had her affair there was no blueprint to help me out and everything was kind of pieced together over time. Here are a list of things you can do to help you initially in the first phases of your nightmare. Remember to take care of yourself through these troubling times. I know right now your world feels like it completely melted down and there's no hope. Understand there is light at the end of the tunnel. You don't see it yet but these events will ultimately make you one hell of a strong person.

 

Some Steps You Can Take

 

1 - Build your case. Do not confront her yet about your evidence unless you want to present it and be done with it. Now that you know what is going on you can go down the rabbit hole further and see what she has really done. Start snooping. If you provide all your evidence too early she may hide it all even deeper and make it much harder to access. Tread carefully.

 

2 - You should really get an STD test. If you have already confronted her you should demand she get STD tested. Waywards will usually tell you they used condoms but these are typically lies. Most likely your worst fears are true in a lot of instances.

 

3 - This one is important. Don't let your wife's terrible actions strip away your own happiness. Learn how to find yourself again. Go to the gym, eat good and get into some hobbies. It will help take your mind off the BS believe me.

 

4 - Get into counseling. You'll be able to get lots of things off your chest and get different perspectives on things you perhaps haven't thought about. If you plan on reconciling with your wife you can setup MC later on.

 

5 - Start skimming money from your accounts and keeping it in a safe place. Even if you're skimming 50,100 here and there you'll be one step ahead if you plan on getting a lawyer on retainer if you want to go that route. I'd actually suggest getting a lawyer and speaking with him. Show your wife you mean business. This usually helps with a reconciliation as well. It prevents them from walking all over you. Bring your marriage to defcon 4 and you should see things starting to change in your favor. If you are passive with your words and actions she will walk all over you. Chances are she'd continue with what she's doing as well if she's not held accountable.

 

I'm sure you'll get a lot more helpful information here. Sorry you're going through this and I hope you find peace soon. LS will be here to help you through your darkest hours. You'll see many people here who have walked the same walk and we are all still here.

[Was_strong]

I still can't seem to gather my thoughts. I've never been so unsure of what to do. It's as if a meteor has hurtled through space on a mission just to find me and crush me. And the whole time I was unaware of the fate that was assigned to me.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

The problem is that I am viewed as the strong one amongst my friends. I don't know if I have anywhere to turn.

 

I am too ashamed to tell anybody. I think God must love irony. Create a man with an iron will and give him a fine woman. Then destroy him. Is that it then? Am I to ask for mercy? If so, God have mercy on me.

[Nawlins]

Collect all the evidence you can and store it someplace where she does not have access. Make two copies of everything. I hate to say this but as JM2013 said if you want to go down the rabbit hole further then follow her trail of photos and see what sites they take you too. Capture screen images of those sites and save them as well. Perhaps install a keylogger on her computer to see what sites she’s visiting. Set up an IC for yourself in addition to seeing a lawyer. I’m sorry for what you are going through, but please listen to the good counsel you will receive here with regards on how to take care of yourself.

[Ralph79]

I still can't seem to gather my thoughts. I've never been so unsure of what to do. It's as if a meteor has hurtled through space on a mission just to find me and crush me. And the whole time I was unaware of the fate that was assigned to me.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

The problem is that I am viewed as the strong one amongst my friends. I don't know if I have anywhere to turn.

 

I am too ashamed to tell anybody. I think God must love irony. Create a man with an iron will and give him a fine woman. Then destroy him. Is that it then? Am I to ask for mercy? If so, God have mercy on me.

 

While I understand the pain and anguish this situation has you going through, you have nothing to be ashamed about. There is no irony here. Your wife has a problem. She's the one who should feel shame, not you. This is an emergency that affects your whole family. Stay strong. If anything you should feel infuriated. Thankfully God has given you the tools, the education and the confidence in yourself to deal with this crisis.

 

Exposing herself like that on public domain paysites (I think?) is going to ruin your family's reputation. It is tough dealing with something like this, but now is not the time to cry, panic or despair, that comes after taking the steps necessary to protect you and your family's interests, that the posters here have already kindly pointed out.

 

Don't let your "image" stop you from seeking the aid of a good friend. You will be surprised how willing they are going to support you when they see you in a vulnerable state. That's what friends are for.

[drifter777]

Is she having sex with another man?

[Was_strong]

Thx for all of the advice. I think I'm finally calming down. I've been doing a lot of research on the web. My love affair with technology ended years ago but has now been rekindled.

 

I've looked through the cookies on her computer. She has definitely been deleting them. That strikes me as pretty juvenile, and not like the person that I know. However, in her rush to make it to the airport she was sloppy. The cookies on her computer show that she has been viewing some pretty hard core S&M sites. She is not on facebook, and there are no cookies present for that site.

 

The photos that she posted are so explicit that I almost cannot believe that she did this of her own volition. Men and women have commented on them but from the posts that I could see it all appears to be photo sharing.

 

The way I would describe my wife's personallity is that she is some combination of sigorney weaver's character in Alien, Zena, and the character in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This all seems totally beneath the person that I thought I knew.

 

What shocks me is that she seems to be playing to some submissive fantasy.

 

I have not heard from her yet which is probably a very good thing. There is no way I could conceal the anxiety in my voice.

 

I am not a sneak. I am wrestling in my mind with the idea of hiring a PI. I'm not sure I would even know where to start. I find myself obsessing over her phone. Again, I am wrestling with whether I want to lower myself.

 

And of course I'm thinking of the unravelling of my exquisite dream of a marriage.

[Was_strong]

To answer your question, I do not know if she is having sex with other people.

[Was_strong]

I'm a pretty tough guy. I don't know if I'll be able to hold this all in when I see her on Monday. I think remaining quiet is the right thing at this point. But she is a smart woman, and she connects the dots very quickly.

[A.Moscote]

Gather your strength, and switch into acting mode. Do it as best as you can.

 

That imo is one of the few approach you can take, for the time being, to preserve some kind of advantage over your wife, over this whole situation with all its possibilities.

 

This is a test that you have to go through, keep believing in yourself, you are smart and strong enough. Take your time, be tactful, investigate and think.

 

Be patient Was_strong. Hopefully, that is all there is to it.

[jm2013]

I'm a pretty tough guy. I don't know if I'll be able to hold this all in when I see her on Monday. I think remaining quiet is the right thing at this point. But she is a smart woman, and she connects the dots very quickly.

 

Hold tough and don't give yourself away. I made the mistake of giving up too much in the beginning and it makes your investigation harder. One could only assume if your wife is posting to those sites she's some sort of sex freak that you didn't know existed. Has your sex life gone down hill with her? Have you checked you credit cards and phone records? You can usually pin point some solid evidence through those. If you see some random numbers on your phone bill but notice a pattern you can be pretty sure whatever she was doing digitally is also happening physically. If you lead on to your evidence she'll hide her stuff more and more and make it that much harder to find. Does she lock her phone? I'd be pretty concerned about STDs off the bat if she's involved with those groups physically. Perhaps getting your own STD test could give you some piece of mind initially. You should also start asking her nonchalant questions about your marriage and if she's happy just to see what her reactions and responses are. It's time to start playing her game until you're ready to come out with all the ammo.

[lolablue17]

I'm so sorry for you. I can't help you on these moments. But few things on my mind...

 

1. I know! everybody here know! - Your limitless pain you feel now will weaken, and even disappear one day. It's not for ever. The shock itself will not stay for long. You will adopt the new situation, and your senses will come back to you - I promise you!

 

2. An advice - If you want the truth and not some lies or trickle truth - Don't talk - Act! If you want to leave at least for the moment, leave! Just leave a note saying "it's over - you know why" and disappear! let her be chasing after you for a long time until you agree to even talk to her - and when you do talk to her after long NC - warn her that the first sign of dishonesty, you leave the table. I think that way you can have the whole truth eventually.

 

I'm so sorry for you...

[loveboid]

I would prepare for the good and the bad. No use planning only for armageddon.

 

I would imagine a scenario where this ends up all okay and strengthening your marriage. Maybe she hasn't slept with anybody and submissive/dominate role playing would enhance your sex life.

 

If this is a dealbreaker then I would imagine a better life for yourself where you come out a stronger person and are definitely happy. It's possible and you should plan on it.

 

Possibly the worst thing that could happen, worse than this betrayal, is getting stuck in a tunnel of despair that steals precious time from your life.

[jm2013]

I forgot to ask these questions. How often does your wife travel? Is it mostly out of the country? This is actually kind of scary. Now that you are revealing who she is she could have been at this for years. It would be extremely difficult to track down anybody she could be screwing in another country. Especially if they are footing the bill and it is not visible on your CC. Are these trips business or pleasure?

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry to say, sounds even more complicated and difficult than unraveling a conventional affair. From your description, sounds as though she's adopted a much different lifestyle and sexuality. Do any of the pictures reflect norms the two of you share in your married life? Are you together into any of the things her pictures portray?

 

Also, haven't seen you mention - kids involved?

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Now that you are revealing who she is she could have been at this for years.

 

Don't want to make OPs wounds all the more painful but it's most likely that she's been at it for years. Takes you a while to get into that internet scene, making the right contacts etc. Especially since there are photos of her already being shared through the internet.

 

To be honest OP, you're lucky your friends are probably out of the age of social media. There's more and more sexual content getting on tumblr (to name only one popular platform) and if your wife's photos ended up getting reblogged over and over again you'll feel the force of the internet irl.

 

Of course, if you have children, there's nothing to keep them safe from it...

[road]

First for you to do is save the evidence off of your WW's computer.

 

 

Second thing is contact your WW right now and tell her what you have found and if she wants to save this marriage she better put her knickers back on and get back home tonight.

[jm2013]

I'm a pretty tough guy. I don't know if I'll be able to hold this all in when I see her on Monday. I think remaining quiet is the right thing at this point. But she is a smart woman, and she connects the dots very quickly.

 

Make up an excuse why you may seem down or distant like something is bothering you. Tell her one of your friends just betrayed the hell out of you and you're down about it.

[HelenaHandbasket]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It could be she is living out a fantasy online and not having sex outside your marriage.

 

BDSM has picked up tremendously since that lame book 'Fifty Shades Of..'

 

It's mommy porn. Read up online how this book has ruined relationships and marriages. Search for things like 'Fifty Shades ruined my marriage.'

 

BDSM is also huge online. Look for computer cookies for sites like alt dot com and fetlife dot com. There are tons of men out there who will be a D online for a s (sub) (don't ask me how I know). They even do it on Facebook. The majority of the time these people never meet in person, it's all online and on video chat (Skype etc).

[Spectre]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It could be she is living out a fantasy online and not having sex outside your marriage.

 

BDSM has picked up tremendously since that lame book 'Fifty Shades Of..'

 

It's mommy porn. Read up online how this book has ruined relationships and marriages. Search for things like 'Fifty Shades ruined my marriage.'

 

BDSM is also huge online. Look for computer cookies for sites like alt dot com and fetlife dot com. There are tons of men out there who will be a D online for a s (sub) (don't ask me how I know). They even do it on Facebook. The majority of the time these people never meet in person, it's all online and on video chat (Skype etc).

 

Even if she is not having sex, she is posting sexual pictures of herself for other men, that is enough to warrant booting her from the marriage.

 

To the OP: some are telling you to bide your time, but why? Why waste anymore time? You have ALL the information you need to have a legit reason to leave her. Doesn't matter if she never physically cheated, if she is putting pics of herself online, etc. and letting other men comment on it, without your knowledge? Sorry, she has to go. What more do you need to know at this point? Dump her, then she can post all the skeevy pictures to whatever creeps she wants..to her hearts content.

 

You compare her personality to "Ripley" from Aliens, but she really seems like she is just one of those bland people you find in softcore porno's that air on Cinemax at 2 in the morning. Seriously, you can do better.

Edited February 8, 2015 by Spectre

[NoC]

Even if she is not having sex, she is posting sexual pictures of herself for other men, that is enough to warrant booting her from the marriage.

 

You compare her personality to "Ripley" from Aliens, but she really seems like she is just one of those bland people you find in softcore porno's that air on Cinemax at 2 in the morning. Seriously, you can do better.

 

Lmao at bolded!

 

Anyway OP, sorry that you're going through this. I think you should confront her when she gets back with the information you have. Let her explain herself and then inform her that you feel betrayed/disrespected by what she has been doing behind your back. If you are truly as alpha as you say, then you should know what needs to be done next... end it with your dignity intact, who knows what other things she has been doing behind your back? You're going to make it.

[HurtHusband]

How about if you set up a dummy email account than join the fetish site? If she is looking for a Dom than be a Dom. Send her a message and play along for a while. Ask her is she experienced? Does she have a master? Is she interested in meeting or just online friendship?

 

Do that for a week, you may find out a lot more and find out exactly what her intentions are. When you do decide to confront her, you will have all the evidence you need.

[HelenaHandbasket]

How about if you set up a dummy email account than join the fetish site? If she is looking for a Dom than be a Dom. Send her a message and play along for a while. Ask her is she experienced? Does she have a master? Is she interested in meeting or just online friendship?

 

Do that for a week, you may find out a lot more and find out exactly what her intentions are. When you do decide to confront her, you will have all the evidence you need.

 

This is a good idea, actually. Make sure you build a profile first though. Lift pictures from another site, fill in the profile and collect as many friends as possible. I did this on Facebook and infiltrated a couple profiles of women my husband was sleeping with.

 

I'm in the camp you should confront her immediately when she returns home though. That's what I did based off only one suspicious phone number. I pretended I knew so much more. Dude was singing like a canary.

[autumnnight]

First for you to do is save the evidence off of your WW's computer.

 

 

Second thing is contact your WW right now and tell her what you have found and if she wants to save this marriage she better put her knickers back on and get back home tonight.

 

THIS. All this silly chess playing and the suggestion to wade into the cesspool with her is...well, I can't imagine.

 

You have more than enough evidence. Tell her to get back here.