Photos

[oldshirt]

A lot of people have various degrees of S/M thoughts and fantasies but don't act on them. Were these pictures selfies sent a picture site where people share pics and comment on them or is it some kind of swinger or hook up site where people arrange meetings for S/M and/or sexual contact? It make a difference if she just has some kind of kink where she gets a little ego boost by strangers commenting on her pictures vs actually meeting people in real life and hooking up.

[autumnnight]

Oldshirt brings out a good point. Desiring to be submissive or dominant is not inherently wrong or weird. BUT, in my mind, her sharing intimate photos of a sexual nature with ANYONE besides the OP is absolutely cheating.

[velvette]

I couldn't think of a better title. I can barely type the words written here. I'm shaking. I've been vomiting. I'm hoping by posting something small here I can find some way of slowing down my mind. I'm a man who is usually a fine writer and my thoughts are known for being clear. Now my mind is spinning as if I am on some mind altering poison. So forgive me for everything that I write here.

 

I've been pacing for nearly 12 hours and I haven't eaten a thing. I'm not sure I could even hold down a sip of water.

 

Some background. My wife-I will continue to address her as such for the moment, and I have two grown children. We have had a storybook marriage. Both of us are Ivy League educated and I have been successful in everything I have done--until now, or maybe unbeknownst to me, maybe my marriage has been an illusion.

 

Me? I guess most people would describe me as a typical alpha male. I've never seen myself as typical. I don't surf porn. I'm extremely sexually driven but have never firted or even considered cheating on my wife. I'm the guy that women throw themselves at. I get stares anytime I'm out. My wife is thin, tall with a very powerful personality. I fell in love with her for her strength, character and intellect.

 

I was strong, but as I write this I struggle to see through a waterfall of unending tears.

 

On Friday my wife left for a weekend trip to London. I wasn't snooping. I opened her laptop to watch some YouTube videos. I am very interested in music. What I saw has ended the life that I thought I had-- explicit photos of her that she has posted to some kind of fetish site. I'll spare you the details.

 

I've had no calls from her or texts. When I think about it now it's always me that initiates the texts when she is out of town.

 

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. For the first time in what I thought was a charmed life I am lost. I have never felt this ill. I feel like I'm actually falling apart. It's as if my spirit is now leaving me.

 

At first I thought writing here would help but as I finish this I am slipping back into madness.

 

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. As you can see, everyone here is going to tell you to kick her to the curb. And, you are certainly free to do that.

 

 

However, if I were you, I would take a deep breath and find out what is really going on. In other words, you need to determine if you wife is just a run of the mill cheater who has somehow ventured into the world of BDSM or if she is truly submissive and exploring a nature she can no longer deny, but is unable to share with you.

 

 

If the latter is true, you can salvage your marriage by making it safe for her to share that with you. Creating fake profiles and picking her brain will in that case be a betrayal your marriage may not be able to overcome.

 

 

If your wife is truly submissive, rather than just playing around, it is a part of her whether or not she has ever shared that with you. Being a strong woman with a powerful personality does not preclude being submissive or having a submissive sexuality. Quite the contrary, it takes a great deal of strength to bend your will to someone else especially when everything in your upbringing and Ivy League education says you should be singing I am woman hear me roar instead.

 

 

I can hear the repulsion in your post with what you have found, and I understand, but I am curious whether you would be repulsed if she had shared that part of herself with you rather than online with strangers. BTW I am guessing she finds it impossible to share that part of herself with you.

 

 

If you are genuinely repulsed by all things submissive or BDSM related then confront her and move on.

 

 

Otherwise, I would suggest you educate yourself on the lifestyle and gently confront her and make it safe for her to share with you who she really is. If she is truly submissive, its like being gay, she was born that way. In fact, if you are the alpha male you say you are that's why she chose you.....closest thing to a dominant male she found. Likely you are also constrained by your Ivy League education which requires equality and political correctness, etc.

 

 

That's all well and good for work. That's not what she wants either in the bedroom or at home.

 

 

Before you kick her to the curb, find out what she wants and whether or not you are willing to give her that.

 

 

Take charge of things if you are alpha; either to get out if that's what you want and free her to find what she needs or to reinvent your marriage in a way that allows her to be who she really is.

 

 

I would suggest you join some BDSM sites to get some feedback. There are lots of normal even Ivy League educated people involved in BDSM and/or D/S(Dominance/Submission) as a lifestyle, not just kinky sex.

 

 

Try the new collarme . com forums. You have to register to read the forums.

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt brings out a good point. Desiring to be submissive or dominant is not inherently wrong or weird. BUT, in my mind, her sharing intimate photos of a sexual nature with ANYONE besides the OP is absolutely cheating.

 

I'm not saying if it's cheating or not cheating. I am saying there is a wide spectrum between taking a selfie in front of the bathroom mirror and sending it to some photo-sharing site to get a kick out of strangers telling you how hot you are vs actually being an active member of that lifestyle and going to clubs and getting tied up and having sex with flesh and blood people.

 

 

We need details on what these pictures are and what kind of site this is and what some of the other evidence is and facts are.

 

 

I'm not saying that sending nudie pics to a website without your spouses knowledge or consent is OK or appropriate but it is a far cry different than actually having sexual contact with other people.

[autumnnight]

I'm not saying if it's cheating or not cheating. I am saying there is a wide spectrum between taking a selfie in front of the bathroom mirror and sending it to some photo-sharing site to get a kick out of strangers telling you how hot you are vs actually being an active member of that lifestyle and going to clubs and getting tied up and having sex with flesh and blood people.

 

 

We need details on what these pictures are and what kind of site this is and what some of the other evidence is and facts are.

 

 

I'm not saying that sending nudie pics to a website without your spouses knowledge or consent is OK or appropriate but it is a far cry different than actually having sexual contact with other people.

 

I mainly meant that the problem here is not whether or not she is submissive, but the photos and explicit behavior.

[NoC]

While waiting for updates and more info from OP, to other posters, how would you react if you were in OPs situation?

[autumnnight]

While waiting for updates and more info from OP, to other posters, how would you react if you were in OPs situation?

 

I can't really wrap my head around it, as my spouse had no interest in even vanilla heterosexual sex, much less anything else. So I guess with that said, I'd be even more hurt and angry if I found something like that.

 

My big concern would be our kids and what the heck would happen if THEY saw them. Honestly, given what my marriage was like, I probably would have used something like that as the perfect justifiable opportunity to leave. NOT because I have anything against that lifestyle, but because of the gross and public deception and betrayal.

[velvette]

While waiting for updates and more info from OP, to other posters, how would you react if you were in OPs situation?

 

 

I think most people would be shocked, hurt and feel betrayed to some degree. Its not clear exactly what OP's wife is doing and even whether or not her pics are recognizable or just the OP knows its her because he knows its her profile. I would not be happy if there were recognizable pics.

 

 

But, after that initial reaction, I would want to know what it meant.

 

 

And, depending what the answer was, I would go from there.

[bubbaganoosh]

Well the way I see it is, right now, he's the one going through the pains of hell. If she's doing something sexual in nature, hiding it then it's obvious that he's not involved. In other words, it's cheating. She's either taking those photos or someone else is. Either way their on line for anyone going to that site to see and comment and he's the last one to know.

 

Right now "Was Strong" is walking the floor, can't sleep, can't eat, can't function like he always does. Whose fault is it. hers. She caused it and who knows what the hell she's doing on that trip. Maybe business, maybe getting her ass tanned by some perv with a paddle or whip so if it was me, rather than shouldering all this crap that's been laid in his lap, put it where it belongs.

 

Pictures don't lie. You have the proof. Call her. let her know that her little secret isn't a secret any longer and when she gets off the airplane, drive to the nearest U Haul, rent a truck and collect her stuff that's piled up in the driveway.

 

Let her shoulder the blame. let her be the one scratching her ass while she' on this trip wondering if she has a place to come home to. Let her do the suffering. She started it. She owns it so let her be the one with her world up side down. Just make sure you have those pictures and the name of the site and all the comments on her performance.

 

Truth be told, for a Ivy League educated woman, she didn't use too much of that education to understand that anything that gets posted on the internet that you don't want your spouse to find out about shouldn't be on the net. Maybe he might have not seen it but whose to say that others haven't seen her.

 

Let her do the squirming and sure as God made little green apples it will be the longest trip home she ever had. Don't give her any wiggle room and let her call the shots or you lose. She's already a length ahead of you in this race.

[BetrayedH]

You need to do a few things:

 

(1) Do "The 180". Here's a quick link (hoping that it's ok to post this link since it's not a commercial site) https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

 

(2) File for divorce. A passive approach allows the wayward to think they can continue being a cake eater. They tell you what you want to hear (as a form of damage control) while they scramble to hide their tracks and set-up secondary plans for keeping their affair partner. Your best bet is to act with strength. Do not send any signals that unacceptable behavior will be tolerated. Set up at least a consult with an attorney. If you find a good one, retain them right away and ask them to file for divorce. Sometimes a hard-line position like this acts as a wake-up call for a wayward spouse about what they are REALLY going to lose. If you are at all tentative, you show an unattractive weakness when she already fails to have respect for you. She'll just continue lying. If she shows remorse that is sufficient for you to consider reconciling (some months down the line), you can always halt the proceedings. If she doesn't, you'll be on the road to the divorce you need.

 

(3) Do NOT confront her. Confrontations serve no purpose except to notify her that it's time to delete everything and take her affair(s) further underground. If you want to get to the truth of this situation, keep your mouth shut and play compliant and stupid while you go into investigative mode. You've got one chance to get information before she knows. That's it. Remember that you don't need to prove anything to her; you just need to prove it to yourself. Get enough information that you can feel confident that you're making an informed decision. The best confrontation is done by a sheriff carrying divorce papers.

 

(4) Talk to whatever friends and family you need for support. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's your wife that should be ashamed. Even if she was unhappy in the marriage, she could have either fixed the marriage or left it. She did neither. I'm not personally a fan of widespread exposure of the affair to everyone as some form of manipulation or punishment but whatever you need for support is perfectly fine and a natural consequence of your wife's infidelity. Get into individual counseling. You're going to suffer a roller coaster of emotions for many months to come. I lost 38lbs (25 of them in the first month) and lost more sleep than I could calculate (that went on for nearly a year). Take care of yourself. That's a higher priority than the wife or the marriage.

 

(5) Don't believe a word she says. Trust has to be rebuilt. In this kind of a betrayal, it takes years if it happens at all. Don't rush it and don't offer cheap forgiveness. Make her earn it with no guarantees. It takes two things to reconcile: #1 A truly remorseful wayward spouse and #2 A truly forgiving betrayed spouse. But rest assured, #2 cannot come before #1.

 

That's all I've got for you for now. Keep your chin up (as others have said, you will recover and life will go on). Keep your wits about you; do your best to make decisions with your head instead of your emotions. Keep reading and posting. Good luck.

Edited February 8, 2015 by BetrayedH

[HurtHusband]

Could you wait until she comes back from the business trip, than tell her you missed her and initiate some intimacy. Tie her up, and tell her lets try something new. Than pull down her knickers, tell her she's been a very naughty girl and start spanking the **** out of her ass! Tell your you know everything and beat a confession out if her. Well maybe not literally. If she complains you have the perfect excuse and you were just doing what she loves anyway...

 

Than just leave her there tied up butt naked and say 'there's only one Dom in this house' and you can **** off and take your ass paddle with you!!!!

[dental]

This is a very interesting situation. The W seems to have a part of her identity well hidden from OP. Presumably for years, decades, perhaps all of her life. This meant extreme organizational skills to do the photos, build a network of likeminded people, most likely meeting up with said people and acting out the fantasies, electronic skills (communication, storage) and acting (towards OP) an entirely different person. OP's W should apply for a job in the CIA or NSA. My my, this woman can keep a secret. Truth is though that OP is the husband of an illusion. Of course it doesn't matter that his W is into BDSM. The fact that she never showed this part of her personality and identity of herself to her H is a big one here. She was never completely there in the relationship. This is not little lie, this is a split personality. In my opinion this has been going on so long and so deep that the only action to take here, the only venue towards some normality is to immediately stop this farce of a marriage, this illusion of a commitment and with some IC prepare for a different future.

[mikey76]

While waiting for updates and more info from OP, to other posters, how would you react if you were in OPs situation?

 

I'm going to go in a different direction, and bring up the possibility of going out to buy a slave collar, and telling your wife that if she wants to keep her marriage and stay active in her lifestyle, she'll choose to wear your collar, and no one else's.

 

This means that in her mind you have the final say of how she participates in the lifestyle, but also requires you to really have the strength to figure out what really makes her tick, and find some way to make it work for yourself.

 

EDIT: And perhaps this might avert years of BS and pain. Give a little, gain a lot.

Edited February 8, 2015 by mikey76
Missed the rationale.

[HurtHusband]

OP keep a cool head. Look at her profile.. When did she join the site? Who is she friends with etc. Have a good look inside her underwear drawer. You may very well find something hidden there. Is she just an online fantasist? Someone who read 50 shades and decided to post a pic on the site just for the fun of it or is she actively meeting people?

 

I know your head is spinning now, but the best thing you can do is stay calm and do sone digging. And yes maybe even join the site yourself, use your iphone. Send her a mail and ask her how experienced she is, how long has she been doing this for etc.

 

 

I know it's a horrible sick feeling, I felt like my chest was on fire when I first saw my wife's emails with another man. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. Think about times in the past where you had a hunch that something was not quite right. It's no fun being where you are right now. But you will get through it.

Edited February 8, 2015 by HurtHusband

[Was_strong]

Ok. I've slept a bit-not a lot. I searched our storage room and found a small trove of bondage items. Nothing too extensive, just what I saw in the photos. IT all smelled fairly new. The site that she was on shows her join date as several months ago.

 

I'm not sure why I'm relating this to all of you. None of this makes me feel strong or righteous. But I also found a word document on her computer with a document titled passwords. She indeed has too emails that I did not know about. The email accounts have been established within the last several months. There is no communication with any other people on them just links to comments posted on her photos and registrations for two forums.

 

To answer some of your questions.

 

We have never played at s and m. But I tend to be fairly dominant in bed. Our sex life is quite regular.

 

I'm wondering if her leaving this site open was either intentional, which would be very misguided or cruel or in some subconscious way she wanted to be caught. I always thought I was open minded and easy to talk to. I'm starting to wonder if she does not trust me enough to confide in me.

[Was_strong]

I'm not going to confront her over the phone. I plan on talking to her upon her return. Im going to ask her immediately for her phone. If she refuses, our marriage is over.

 

I have to say that I was relieved not to find communication with others on line in her two secret email accounts.

 

I'm still having a very difficult time accepting that this is not just some nightmare from which I will soon awake.

 

Our marriage seemed so strong to me. Maybe she has just been bored. She doesn't work and our children are grown and done with college. She is truly a brilliant strong woman. This just doesn't seem like the woman that I know.

 

She travels three to four times per year with her friends. They are really great women and seem very loyal to their husbands. They are beautiful, but not flirts.

None of this makes any sense to me. It is just not like my wife to do something like this.

[dental]

This just doesn't seem like the woman that I know ... It is just not like my wife to do something like this.

 

Evidently, it is something she does. I feel for you big time. You will sort it out. I wish you strength and clarity.

[Nawlins]

I'm not going to confront her over the phone. I plan on talking to her upon her return. Im going to ask her immediately for her phone. If she refuses, our marriage is over.

 

I have to say that I was relieved not to find communication with others on line in her two secret email accounts.

 

I'm still having a very difficult time accepting that this is not just some nightmare from which I will soon awake.

 

Our marriage seemed so strong to me. Maybe she has just been bored. She doesn't work and our children are grown and done with college. She is truly a brilliant strong woman. This just doesn't seem like the woman that I know.

 

She travels three to four times per year with her friends. They are really great women and seem very loyal to their husbands. They are beautiful, but not flirts.

None of this makes any sense to me. It is just not like my wife to do something like this.

 

OP, you also thought before this weekend that your wife was loyal to you. Before you ask her for the phone please be sure to make a copy of her password document, take some screen shots of those forums, and install a keylogger in case she decides to continue this fantasy of hers.

[karnak]

 

Our marriage seemed so strong to me. Maybe she has just been bored. She doesn't work and our children are grown and done with college. She is truly a brilliant strong woman. This just doesn't seem like the woman that I know.

 

She travels three to four times per year with her friends. They are really great women and seem very loyal to their husbands. They are beautiful, but not flirts.

None of this makes any sense to me. It is just not like my wife to do something like this.

 

You've learned a very hard lesson recently, man.

One that I, unfortunately, also learned many years ago. Sometimes you really don't know the person who's sharing the same bed with you.

Hell! Sometimes you don't even really know your parents.

 

The terrible thing here is not the fact that your wife is showing her ass or pussy to a bunch of strangers on the internet, or wether she's having sex with other people. Naked women are all the same. Seen one, seen'em all. Your wife wasn't probably a virgin when you met her, so other guys saw her naked way before you did.

 

No. What's really terrible here is the break of trust. From now on you'll always be doubting. "Who the hell is this woman"? Yup. Who really is this woman which you've married and spent years and years and years with?

 

It's not your fault that your wife did what she did. Trust me on that. If she took herself to so much trouble doing those things, she should also have taken the trouble of expressing her desires and fetishes to you.

In fact, I think secrecy is one of the things that really turns her on. Doing all her things for you probably wouldn't make her so horny.

Many people ride rollercoasters, do bungee-jumping or parachute jumps to feel the excitment. Others engage in affairs. There. As simple as that.

 

Unfortunately now you know that there's an entire hidden world out there. Alas, it involves someone you know. Do you think her female friends that she travels with are really "great women and loyal to her husbands"? Well, you probably thought the same about your wife, didn't you? I suspect you'd be shocked if you saw what these "not flirty women" do during those travels. In these world you only what's going in your mind. You can't read or dominate other people's brains.

 

What I'm only trying to say here is this: none of this is your fault. Plenty of decent, honest people spend their years with a mate or a friend, only for them to show their true colours after some time. You've now discovered that your wife is not who you really think she was.

 

What are you gonna do about it now? Think carefully.

Take some time off to clear your head. Don't do anything rash or in the heat of the moment. Consider your decision carefully.

Life goes on. With or without your wife. And it's better to live alone and in peace rather than in turmoil with someone you don't trust.

 

Most important of all: have a serious discussion with your wife and try to clarify who she really is and why she does what she does.

When you have the answers that you think are satisfying then decide what is best for you.

If, after having a serious talk with her, you're not satisfied with her answers or feel she's not giving the answers you seek, then dump her. Living in doubt is hell on Earth.

[Trotters]

You've learned a very hard lesson recently, man.

One that I, unfortunately, also learned many years ago. Sometimes you really don't know the person who's sharing the same bed with you.

Hell! Sometimes you don't even really know your parents.

 

The terrible thing here is not the fact that your wife is showing her ass or pussy to a bunch of strangers on the internet, or wether she's having sex with other people. Naked women are all the same. Seen one, seen'em all. Your wife wasn't probably a virgin when you met her, so other guys saw her naked way before you did.

 

No. What's really terrible here is the break of trust. From now on you'll always be doubting. "Who the hell is this woman"? Yup. Who really is this woman which you've married and spent years and years and years with?

 

It's not your fault that your wife did what she did. Trust me on that. If she took herself to so much trouble doing those things, she should also have taken the trouble of expressing her desires and fetishes to you.

In fact, I think secrecy is one of the things that really turns her on. Doing all her things for you probably wouldn't make her so horny.

Many people ride rollercoasters, do bungee-jumping or parachute jumps to feel the excitment. Others engage in affairs. There. As simple as that.

 

Unfortunately now you know that there's an entire hidden world out there. Alas, it involves someone you know. Do you think her female friends that she travels with are really "great women and loyal to her husbands"? Well, you probably thought the same about your wife, didn't you? I suspect you'd be shocked if you saw what these "not flirty women" do during those travels. In these world you only what's going in your mind. You can't read or dominate other people's brains.

 

What I'm only trying to say here is this: none of this is your fault. Plenty of decent, honest people spend their years with a mate or a friend, only for them to show their true colours after some time. You've now discovered that your wife is not who you really think she was.

 

What are you gonna do about it now? Think carefully.

Take some time off to clear your head. Don't do anything rash or in the heat of the moment. Consider your decision carefully.

Life goes on. With or without your wife. And it's better to live alone and in peace rather than in turmoil with someone you don't trust.

 

Most important of all: have a serious discussion with your wife and try to clarify who she really is and why she does what she does.

When you have the answers that you think are satisfying then decide what is best for you.

If, after having a serious talk with her, you're not satisfied with her answers or feel she's not giving the answers you seek, then dump her. Living in doubt is hell on Earth.

 

 

Excellent words. Very inspiring

[bathtub-row]

I wonder if she started reading the Fifty Shades of Gray book series and if this was the reason for her turnaround. Did you notice these books laying around, or did she talk about them? Maybe suggest that you read them? I've never read them because S&M doesn't interest me but if it was something that peaked her interest, she would've picked them up and they may have stirred her to pursue this further. I'm not saying the books are to blame or that anyone who reads them is pre-disposed toward S&M but, in her case, a huge interest in these books may be another tell-tale sign. She has probably been thinking about it for years but never had the nerve to pursue it until recently.

[loveboid]

I'm wondering if her leaving this site open was either intentional, which would be very misguided or cruel or in some subconscious way she wanted to be caught. I always thought I was open minded and easy to talk to. I'm starting to wonder if she does not trust me enough to confide in me.

 

Maybe she's afraid of your reaction. Maybe she's afraid of insulting your masculinity. If you don't blow up maybe she'll tell you her fantasies. I would definitely take this opportunity to be more dominant.

 

Regarding all the heavy BDSM online, if you experiment I wouldn't spank or humiliate her even if she says it's okay.

 

Some light, cerebral, symbolic slave/master role play could do you both some good. She's definitely been naughty. Hopefully not sleeping around naughty.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not going to confront her over the phone. I plan on talking to her upon her return. Im going to ask her immediately for her phone. If she refuses, our marriage is over.

 

I have to say that I was relieved not to find communication with others on line in her two secret email accounts.

 

I'm still having a very difficult time accepting that this is not just some nightmare from which I will soon awake.

 

Our marriage seemed so strong to me. Maybe she has just been bored. She doesn't work and our children are grown and done with college. She is truly a brilliant strong woman. This just doesn't seem like the woman that I know.

 

She travels three to four times per year with her friends. They are really great women and seem very loyal to their husbands. They are beautiful, but not flirts.

None of this makes any sense to me. It is just not like my wife to do something like this.

 

You need a better plan than this. Do you even know what to look for on the phone? Are you looking at text messages? Or internet history? What about other text apps like Yahoo Messenger or kik? Or are you looking for phone calls? Are you comparing to the phone bill? What about deleted messages? Do you have the software to extract the deleted messages from her phone already? When does she get her phone back?

 

Look, everybody has a difficult time holding off on a confrontation. The urge to confront is powerful. The problem is that you'll be asking for the truth from an established liar.

 

Here's the scenario as it typically plays out... Betrayed Spouse confronts Wayward Spouse with sketchy evidence. WS breathes a sigh of relief that you didn't find the really incriminating and filthy stuff, most particularly that you don't know who her affair partner is so she can keep him safe. Her priority will be protecting him and making sure you don't tell his wife. She'll either hand over the phone (quickly making a mental note that she deleted everything) or she'll refuse and turn it back around on you as if you're the crazy one that's ruining the marriage with your paranoia and invasion of her privacy (a technique known as gaslighting). She will be in damage control mode. She'll minimize everything as much as possible (perhaps even inferring that the photos were a secret surprise for you that you've now ruined). She'll also trickle the truth, meaning that she'll only admit to what you already know (and maybe one bit more to make you think that NOW you know everything); if you discover something else then she'll say that she was scared and lied "to protect you" from something that would only hurt you. You must understand that the pattern is to lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more.

 

Sadly, you'll be in your own form of damage control mode. You'll want to believe the minimalist version of the story. You'll desperately want to cling to the belief that your marriage hasn't already been eradicated. It's understandable. You're probably already trying to figure out if you can forgive this. But you don't even know what "this" is and she hasn't even asked for forgiveness yet. What a great advantage for her. She is way ahead of you in this game and so you're at a major disadvantage. She may even already have a plan in place with the other man about what their story will be if they're ever discovered, as well as a plan for secondary communication. They'll lay low until the dust settles.

 

Don't think your wife is capable of all this? I bet that last week you never thought she'd be capable of posting a bunch of submissive photos of herself on the internet either. I also thought my wife incapable of it all. What I found then was 60-70 mid-day hotel reservations she'd made with her boss over the course of 13 months. Then I found a lovely story posted on a "hotwife" website where she told the story of her first encounter with the other man (on my couch while the children were asleep in the next room). It was a great read - how she loved his larger member and masturbated after he left to the thought that her husband would never know what happened on his couch. Take your wife off of the pedestal; she never belonged there in the first place.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going thru. It's god-awful. I can only hope that you make wiser decisions than most of us made. Get smart. Don't show all of your cards. Read and digest as much information as you can about affairs. Try to avoid desperate decisions.

 

Good luck.

[CarrieT]

Our marriage seemed so strong to me. Maybe she has just been bored. She doesn't work and our children are grown and done with college. She is truly a brilliant strong woman. This just doesn't seem like the woman that I know.

OP, I am going to give an alternative view.

 

Because of 50 Shades of Grey, many, MANY women are discovering the eroticism of kinky sex but are too ashamed to confess it to their husbands. This is not the first story of this kind that I know of for this very reason.

 

It may have nothing to do with her being bored, but - almost the opposite - excited at discovering a new aspect of herself that she didn't know existed and didn't know how to share with you.

 

I am speaking as a submissive living in a BDSM marriage. We are not freaks; we are highly educated (my husband has two PhDs and is very respected in his field). But like many, it took a lot of time to find each other. The other aspect of my personal story is that just two months ago, my 62 year old sister just discovered her submissive side. She confessed to me and had no idea whatsoever that my husband and I lived this lifestyle.

 

I am trying to explain that many "brilliant people" are drawn to the lifestyle and it does not make them any less intelligent. It also can make it difficult for them to "come out of the closet" while they grapple with these new feelings because they are afraid or ashamed of the potential reactions. Your whole opening post is very telling: You were shaking. You were vomiting. Maybe your wife understood that she didn't feel she could share this aspect of herself to you without reprisals.

 

I would suggest you consider looking around sites like FetLife-dot-com and ask for guidance from other Vanilla Spouses in Kinky Marriages. There are a LOT. My sister is working through this now with her 30-year marriage in trying to share what is happening to her with her husband. If you want your marriage to survive, maybe it is something your wife can share with you. Perhaps not - that is yet to be seen.

[Ralph79]

OP:

 

Given additional information you have given us, I want you to keep in mind several things like...

 

a) She could be going through a mid life crisis.

 

b) She could have been too ashamed to seek a therapist due to the pressure of being in a "perfect" marriage with a confident husband.

 

c) She could have been unable to tell you she wants to live that fantasy. Her kids are off to college. I assume she's alone most of the day while you're at work. She might feel things would get weird between you and her if she asked or tried it with you, but it was still her fantasy to do it.

 

d) She could have been seeking re-assurance that she was still desirable. You stated in your OP you are a very confident man who gets a lot of looks by women. As beautiful as she seems to you, maybe she overheard someone say "What is a hot guy like him doing with a woman like her?"

 

Please note I'm not saying prepare to forgive her. But this is something really delicate that needs to be addressed properly.

 

My revised advice: Schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor right now for the day she arrives. At the first possible moment tell her you two are going somewhere (make a place up), and head straight to the MC. Once there tell her what you found and let the MC start the healing process for both of you.

 

She's your wife. The mother and person who raised 2 college bound kids. People don't do what she did. This is not a simple and shut case of an affair or cheating. She needs help. Weather you decide to leave her after this is entirely up to you and you have a right to either choice.

 

This is my opinion. I also agree with every other poster here. You can't go wrong with anything anyone said here. The worst thing you can do is do nothing.