Photos

[thummper]

Was_strong I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this while wifey is away (doing God knows what with God knows who.) I think if it were me I'd send her a very terse e-mail, something to the effect: We have some things to talk about when you get home. And say nothing else. Then, watch how she reacts. Good luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

How about if you set up a dummy email account than join the fetish site? If she is looking for a Dom than be a Dom. Send her a message and play along for a while. Ask her is she experienced? Does she have a master? Is she interested in meeting or just online friendship?

 

Do that for a week, you may find out a lot more and find out exactly what her intentions are. When you do decide to confront her, you will have all the evidence you need.

 

This is actually probably a pretty darn good idea

 

She'd actually have a chance to prove herself somewhat innocent. It's really hard to overstate what the value of 'real' information is in these situations. It can benefit you for years. Whereas you may never trust her words alone.

[Babs22]

OP:

 

Given additional information you have given us, I want you to keep in mind several things like...

 

a) She could be going through a mid life crisis.

 

b) She could have been too ashamed to seek a therapist due to the pressure of being in a "perfect" marriage with a confident husband.

 

c) She could have been unable to tell you she wants to live that fantasy. Her kids are off to college. I assume she's alone most of the day while you're at work. She might feel things would get weird between you and her if she asked or tried it with you, but it was still her fantasy to do it.

 

d) She could have been seeking re-assurance that she was still desirable. You stated in your OP you are a very confident man who gets a lot of looks by women. As beautiful as she seems to you, maybe she overheard someone say "What is a hot guy like him doing with a woman like her?"

 

Please note I'm not saying prepare to forgive her. But this is something really delicate that needs to be addressed properly.

 

My revised advice: Schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor right now for the day she arrives. At the first possible moment tell her you two are going somewhere (make a place up), and head straight to the MC. Once there tell her what you found and let the MC start the healing process for both of you.

 

She's your wife. The mother and person who raised 2 college bound kids. People don't do what she did. This is not a simple and shut case of an affair or cheating. She needs help. Weather you decide to leave her after this is entirely up to you and you have a right to either choice.

 

This is my opinion. I also agree with every other poster here. You can't go wrong with anything anyone said here. The worst thing you can do is do nothing.

 

I agree with Ralph. I think making an appointment with a marriage counselor for when she returns is an excellent idea. I would not send some vague email or text before hand. It would be great if you could meet with counselor first to get his/her opinion on how to proceed.

 

It is very possible, as others have stated, that she is a submissive and just recently became aware of this. It does not mean she is a freak. I am in a relationship with someone and we do this sometimes. It adds to the relationship. I don't think I am a Dom or a Sub, but we enjoy the role play. As long as she is not having physical relationships with others, I don't see this as a done deal need to divorce situation. If you actually go to counseling together, you may find out that this is a chance for you both to become closer to each other. It sounds like it is all relatively new for her. If you can show you can be understanding, she may open up a lot. You may actually enjoy where this leads.

 

It could be a relief to her that she can share this part of herself with you and not be judged. That way you can be the one to do these things with her not somebody else. See a MC and set another appointment for when she returns. You have nothing to lose especially if she has not been physical with anyone. You have a lot to gain by possibly making your relationship more open and honest.

[sandylee1]

OP

So sorry for this discovery. This is a really shocking find for you, but I don't necessarily think it means your wife is cheating. It seems very much like a fantasy she's in, an escape from the mundane day to day life.

 

You say she is a smart woman, but posting such pictures online is not a very smart move. Such pictures online effectively fire the world to see, but I guess anyone who came across them world have to explain how that happened.

 

It's pretty much a double life she's living. On her return you need to get the whole story, but make it safe for hey to be truthful with you.

[velvette]

Ok. I've slept a bit-not a lot. I searched our storage room and found a small trove of bondage items. Nothing too extensive, just what I saw in the photos. IT all smelled fairly new. The site that she was on shows her join date as several months ago.

 

I'm not sure why I'm relating this to all of you. None of this makes me feel strong or righteous. But I also found a word document on her computer with a document titled passwords. She indeed has too emails that I did not know about. The email accounts have been established within the last several months. There is no communication with any other people on them just links to comments posted on her photos and registrations for two forums.

 

To answer some of your questions.

 

We have never played at s and m. But I tend to be fairly dominant in bed. Our sex life is quite regular.

 

I'm wondering if her leaving this site open was either intentional, which would be very misguided or cruel or in some subconscious way she wanted to be caught. I always thought I was open minded and easy to talk to. I'm starting to wonder if she does not trust me enough to confide in me.

 

I doubt she left the site open intentionally. What she is doing has nothing to do with you or whether or not she trusts you to confide in.

 

 

She may have had these desires for as long as she can remember without really naming them. She would have instinctively known others would think something was wrong with her. Look at both your reaction and the reaction here. Thus began the secret life, probably from childhood or adolescence long before she ever met you. Sounds like it has been her own private secret for most of her life.

 

 

Given your ages, its highly likely she would not have even known the words to describe herself at the time she should have told you. Ditto that theres nothing wrong with her, that she doesn't need therapy as has been suggested or that there are millions of otherwise perfectly normal people with the same fantasies/desires.

 

 

Now, something has made her aware of all of the above and she is exploring it.

[BetrayedH]

I think it's a BIG assumption to believe that she hasn't been physical with someone. Who's tying her up? Who's taking the photos? How long has she been experimenting with all of this if she's at the point of posting photos on a website?

[Steen719]

You need a better plan than this. Do you even know what to look for on the phone? Are you looking at text messages? Or internet history? What about other text apps like Yahoo Messenger or kik? Or are you looking for phone calls? Are you comparing to the phone bill? What about deleted messages? Do you have the software to extract the deleted messages from her phone already? When does she get her phone back?

 

Look, everybody has a difficult time holding off on a confrontation. The urge to confront is powerful. The problem is that you'll be asking for the truth from an established liar.

 

Here's the scenario as it typically plays out... Betrayed Spouse confronts Wayward Spouse with sketchy evidence. WS breathes a sigh of relief that you didn't find the really incriminating and filthy stuff, most particularly that you don't know who her affair partner is so she can keep him safe. Her priority will be protecting him and making sure you don't tell his wife. She'll either hand over the phone (quickly making a mental note that she deleted everything) or she'll refuse and turn it back around on you as if you're the crazy one that's ruining the marriage with your paranoia and invasion of her privacy (a technique known as gaslighting). She will be in damage control mode. She'll minimize everything as much as possible (perhaps even inferring that the photos were a secret surprise for you that you've now ruined). She'll also trickle the truth, meaning that she'll only admit to what you already know (and maybe one bit more to make you think that NOW you know everything); if you discover something else then she'll say that she was scared and lied "to protect you" from something that would only hurt you. You must understand that the pattern is to lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more.

 

Sadly, you'll be in your own form of damage control mode. You'll want to believe the minimalist version of the story. You'll desperately want to cling to the belief that your marriage hasn't already been eradicated. It's understandable. You're probably already trying to figure out if you can forgive this. But you don't even know what "this" is and she hasn't even asked for forgiveness yet. What a great advantage for her. She is way ahead of you in this game and so you're at a major disadvantage. She may even already have a plan in place with the other man about what their story will be if they're ever discovered, as well as a plan for secondary communication. They'll lay low until the dust settles.

 

Don't think your wife is capable of all this? I bet that last week you never thought she'd be capable of posting a bunch of submissive photos of herself on the internet either. I also thought my wife incapable of it all. What I found then was 60-70 mid-day hotel reservations she'd made with her boss over the course of 13 months. Then I found a lovely story posted on a "hotwife" website where she told the story of her first encounter with the other man (on my couch while the children were asleep in the next room). It was a great read - how she loved his larger member and masturbated after he left to the thought that her husband would never know what happened on his couch. Take your wife off of the pedestal; she never belonged there in the first place.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going thru. It's god-awful. I can only hope that you make wiser decisions than most of us made. Get smart. Don't show all of your cards. Read and digest as much information as you can about affairs. Try to avoid desperate decisions.

 

Good luck.

 

I was glad to see that BetrayedH wrote here. I was hoping he would. His situation is somewhat similar to yours, OP, and he went through the trickle truth problems.

 

I was gaslighted as well and to this day, my XH would lie about what he did (if I talked to him, which I don't). He couldn't even keep his lies straight; he lied so much. When I got more and more information, it became clear to me that there wasn't really even a point in knowing it all when the lies had done enough to make it not worth putting any more faith in the marriage.

 

I put a keylogger on the computer or I would have NEVER gotten the truth. Disgusting. I could be crying my fool eyes out and he looked at me and lied straight to my face.

 

No one here can tell you what she is up to or if it is bad enough to leave her or go to counseling or whatever. We are not in your marriage. However, many of us, too many of us have seen how the truth can be twisted to protect the lying or cheating spouse. Going into a conversation with your wife without really knowing the truth is not going to assure that you will get it. You must assume that she is capable of hiding things, important things, from you because she is. She is not hiding that pair of shoes or dress she bought that you did not know about. She is hiding naked pictures for the world to see in a world that is not safe from anyone finding anything. OMG, if your adult children saw that - see what I mean?

 

Take some time today to read stories of those who have had to endure learning the truth in bits and pieces and see the demise of their marriage because of it. Most of us can look at betrayal as a human trait (not all of us and those who do may not be able to live with it well), but there are fewer of us who can stand the constant lying, trickle truth and gaslighting after dday and still want to stay married to that person, who above all, should have your back. It is sad and discouraging. But I would rather live free than in quiet desperation and that is what it would have been for me.

 

Good luck to you.

[Ralph79]

Ditto that theres nothing wrong with her, that she doesn't need therapy as has been suggested or that there are millions of otherwise perfectly normal people with the same fantasies/desires.

 

Clarifying my previous post, I didn't mean that there was something wrong with having the fantasies. I meant there's something wrong with posting yourself in an explicit fashion for all the world to see online. I deem it not normal based on the % of population that agree to do this. Specially when money is not an issue.

 

Weather or not the site was public domain, any one who had access to her pictures that commented can easily copy and paste it on public domain sites and worse have it become viral.

 

It's her life but her husband and children's reputation are also at stake. She sounds like a bright and intelligent woman. It seems like a really big lapse in judgement, beyond those of an affair.

 

I disagree with her not needing therapy. The dynamic of a marriage changes drastically once kids are off to college and the couple is alone again. Maybe all of this started since. It's also an assumption, but only the OP would know.

 

I think it's a BIG assumption to believe that she hasn't been physical with someone. Who's tying her up? Who's taking the photos? How long has she been experimenting with all of this if she's at the point of posting photos on a website?

 

It could have been simple loose hangman's knots she slipped her hands and feet into for the photos, and the camera could have had a delay timer. It's just as big of an assumption to say that she has been physical with someone.

Edited February 8, 2015 by Ralph79

[velvette]

I think it's a BIG assumption to believe that she hasn't been physical with someone. Who's tying her up? Who's taking the photos? How long has she been experimenting with all of this if she's at the point of posting photos on a website?

 

I think a little knowledge is a dangerous thing and either assumption is as likely as the other one. OP should imo take actions that allow him to get at the truth if she is cheating without blowing up his marriage in the process in case all she is doing is exploring.

 

 

Google self bondage. Its relatively easy and some people come up with elaborate ways to make it as realistic as if there was a partner involved, such as freezing the key/knife/scissor to free themselves. Dangerous in the event of fire.

 

 

Easy to take your own pic. Besides if a partner was involved why would she need bondage equipment herself.

 

 

People keep making much of the timing and how long it would take to be at the point of posting the pics shes posted.

 

 

I think especially if this has been her secret fantasy life for a long time, it would not have taken that long. Its no different than any other human characteristic that makes you part of a minority; when you find others like yourself you want to connect with them. She probably realized quickly that posting pics got more responses. Not the smartest thing to do, but she probably hasn't realized that yet.

[lolablue17]

I think you're underestimating your real situation, and especially the need to know the truth.

 

Yes, Yes, you may get the truth by talking to her. It happens maybe in 10% from all cases like that, or 5% or even less. But you mentioned that your wife is a wise woman. Statistics imply that you're likely to get only the minimum she will feel she must give you.

 

So, behind her words, there may be a whole hidden world. You think only about the S\M issue and wonder if she got physical, yes or no. But she may be cheating on you for many years, she may have had many lovers during the years, and she may even have had one or more love story affairs, Maybe her current lover was showing her the door to this world. There could be a whole world behind all this.

 

Can you say there isn't? No, you can't, especially in your position. I can feel that you're very innocent man and naive. She's surly not. Beware not to be fooled.

 

She can easily sell you that she only put the photos for some thrill and even admitting sex with others in the last couple of month, but how can you know the real truth? How would you know if her secret world doesn't exist for 20 years?

Edited February 8, 2015 by lolablue17

[BetrayedH]

...I was gaslighted as well and to this day, my XH would lie about what he did (if I talked to him, which I don't). He couldn't even keep his lies straight; he lied so much...

 

...I put a keylogger on the computer or I would have NEVER gotten the truth. Disgusting. I could be crying my fool eyes out and he looked at me and lied straight to my face...

 

...many of us, too many of us have seen how the truth can be twisted to protect the lying or cheating spouse. Going into a conversation with your wife without really knowing the truth is not going to assure that you will get it. You must assume that she is capable of hiding things, important things, from you because she is. She is not hiding that pair of shoes or dress she bought that you did not know about. She is hiding naked pictures for the world to see in a world that is not safe from anyone finding anything...

 

...there are fewer of us who can stand the constant lying, trickle truth and gaslighting after dday and still want to stay married to that person, who above all, should have your back...

 

Just wanted to reinforce the most important parts here. My point to the OP is that he shouldn't assume much of anything (except that when his wife's lips are moving, she's lying). She has established herself as a liar. He should find out the truth so he can make an informed decision.

 

Steen has to use a keylogger. I had to use a GPS. I also had to keep digging for 8 solid months. My wife cried her poor little eyes out saying that I knew everything and that she'd never lie to me again. Yeah, she was lying. What good did confronting her do? None. What worked was being hypervigilant. Sorry, that's the scenario the wife has created for herself and her poor husband. He can no longer trust her word and should protect himself by assuming the worst. Let her prove herself. Countless others have had to resort to PIs, voice-activated-recorders, and become virtual computer hackers to get to the truth. But this guy is just going to ask his wife? And we're going to be at the ready with excuses like self-bondage and time-delay cameras? Doesn't seem wise to me.

[Spectre]

A lot of people have various degrees of S/M thoughts and fantasies but don't act on them. Were these pictures selfies sent a picture site where people share pics and comment on them or is it some kind of swinger or hook up site where people arrange meetings for S/M and/or sexual contact? It make a difference if she just has some kind of kink where she gets a little ego boost by strangers commenting on her pictures vs actually meeting people in real life and hooking up.

 

Even if she isn't meeting them she is showing other men nude photo's of herself. So it's not much better if she isn't meeting these people.

[Ralph79]

Just wanted to reinforce the most important parts here. My point to the OP is that he shouldn't assume much of anything (except that when his wife's lips are moving, she's lying). She has established herself as a liar. He should find out the truth so he can make an informed decision.

 

I'm sorry, but I fail to see when this happened. She hasn't denied anything. Lying is telling your husband you love him and sleeping with another man behind his back. There is no evidence of that yet.

 

Even if she isn't meeting them she is showing other men nude photo's of herself. So it's not much better if she isn't meeting these people.

 

She's guilty of bad judgement by posting these pictures online, but how is exposing your body anonymously online comparable to cheating?

 

From what the OP said there's no feedback from her towards any of her commentators. God knows why she's doing this, but the OP hasn't found any evidence of a third party being involved.

 

It's up to the OP to cut ties right now based on what he saw, or get to the bottom of this. If she starts coming clean as soon as she's confronted about this in front of a professional therapist, then there's hope. If she begins to deny this until the OP starts producing the evidence, then I would agree about her status of being an established liar.

 

She's willingly exposing herself to blackmail and ridicule. Any one of her friends or family members can end up with her pictures. What she did is more reckless than any affair I can think of. There clearly is something wrong with her in my opinion.

 

She might start confessing to more things than he expected when he opens the can of worms in front of the therapist if he produces the evidence in a timely and progressive manner.

[BetrayedH]

I think leaving out pretty pertinent information (like, "Honey, I'm posting myself online in bondage scenes.") counts as lying by omission. If my spouse were doing this, there's no semantics that would lead me to think she was doing anything but being deceptive about a pretty significant part of the marriage. That kind of intimacy (being naked and tied up) for other dudes and never mentioning it, let alone getting permission to do it, speaks volumes about her honesty (or lack thereof) in the marriage. If you want that kind of partner in life and to say that she wasn't lying when participating in that crap, more power to you but it seems disingenuous to me. Any real married person in that situation would feel cheated on.

 

I don't think I can recall one situation on this board where everything that there was to learn was found in the first discovery. There's always more. Defaulting to the thought that all she's done is take photos of herself, all by herself and posting them online with no other persons interacting with her, without any other shenanigans taking place seems naive to me. She went from point A to point Z with nobody else's influence? There's no guy encouraging this? She got this idea all by herself and never involved anyone else? Seems a big stretch to me.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. I hope we get to find that out for sure. What I do know is that I wouldn't take her word for it. I'd wanna find out the real truth in some other fashion 'cause she's clearly on her own wavelength and that wasn't our deal when we said our vows.

[MJJean]

Hello, Was Strong. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I hope I can help, so I am posting something here that I have never said to anyone save my husband. Whew, nerves. Here goes.

 

I am a 39 year old woman who is intelligent and who has a strong personality. I am also a submissive sexually. Not always, sometimes I am more...aggressive. But then again from what I understand most Dominants aren't always dominant and most submissives aren't always submissive.

 

I Have been with the love of my life for 15 years, married 12 of them. He's my perfect match. My true mate. My everything. He's the best conversation and the best sex I have ever had. He is my rock and unfailingly there for me. The passion has never died. I have always felt I could tell him anything. He's one of the most open-minded and non-judgmental men I have ever known.

 

I have never been unfaithful and I am not a 50 Shades fan. But I started to feel a growing need to surrender control and feel true freedom. To fully trust. To be taken by him in a way that could make me feel as if I belong to him as a possession...a very cherished and prized possession he cannot live without. As those feelings and desires grew I began to recognize a certain restlessness in me and what I needed. This process took a few years.

 

Once I realized I needed to be submissive and to be dominated by my husband I was terrified to tell him. I wanted to confide my needs and desires, but I feared he would reject me. I feared he wouldn't be into it. I feared he would not respect me as a strong woman, that he would see fault in me, and I would lose his regard.

 

It was just this past summer that we were talking and I finally told him that I need to be submissive to him sexually from time to time. That I wanted to be tied up and various other fantasies.

 

He was actually very understanding, couldn't figure out why I didn't just say so years ago, and started to research. He's still not there yet because he is unsure of what to do and how, but he's working on it.

 

I'd like to think that I wouldn't become so desperate for acceptance and validation and a taste of what I need that I would go online and join a community as well as post pictures without my husbands knowledge. But I think I understand where your wife is and some of what she may be feeling.

 

If she isn't physically or emotionally involved with anyone else I would hope her actions can be forgiven.

 

Talk to her. She needs you. Love her. Be open. She's probably in a bad place full of need and fear. She's still the same woman she has always been. This is just another facet of her personality. If it's at all possible that you could be into fulfilling her needs I think that is a possibility worth exploring.

[Ralph79]

I think leaving out pretty pertinent information (like, "Honey, I'm posting myself online in bondage scenes.") counts as lying by omission. If my spouse were doing this, there's no semantics that would lead me to think she was doing anything but being deceptive about a pretty significant part of the marriage. That kind of intimacy (being naked and tied up) for other dudes and never mentioning it, let alone getting permission to do it, speaks volumes about her honesty (or lack thereof) in the marriage. If you want that kind of partner in life and to say that she wasn't lying when participating in that crap, more power to you but it seems disingenuous to me. Any real married person in that situation would feel cheated on.

 

I don't think I can recall one situation on this board where everything that there was to learn was found in the first discovery. There's always more. Defaulting to the thought that all she's done is take photos of herself, all by herself and posting them online with no other persons interacting with her, without any other shenanigans taking place seems naive to me. She went from point A to point Z with nobody else's influence? There's no guy encouraging this? She got this idea all by herself and never involved anyone else? Seems a big stretch to me.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. I hope we get to find that out for sure. What I do know is that I wouldn't take her word for it. I'd wanna find out the real truth in some other fashion 'cause she's clearly on her own wavelength and that wasn't our deal when we said our vows.

 

Lying and deceiving although similar are two different monsters.

 

I'll explain my train of thought behind my comments:

 

Someone who steals is dishonest, but not always a liar. I run a company and have confronted people I've suspected of stealing or flat out caught. While some deny it, some admit their crime and accept their punishment. Some that admitted their crime have gotten a second chance. All that lied have been cut no questions asked.

 

I guess we are viewing the same problem from different perspectives. Where you see first traces of an obvious cheater, I see the first traces of an addict or someone really troubled. I find his discovery more akin to someone who found stashes of drugs in his spouses hiding places. I will repeat, there is nothing wrong with taking the pictures and having those fantasies, my issue is the online sharing part.

 

I find it sad that the woman didn't trust the OP enough to share her most intimate desires. But I find it extremely alarming that she went ahead and uploaded those pictures. I think that problems needs to be addressed asap before she does more harm to herself and her family.

 

I can see where you are coming from and I do see your point and agree with some of it honestly. We are all merely providing the OP with different takes on this situation based on the info he gave us.

 

Having said that, I do completely disagree with 1 statement however:

 

That kind of intimacy (being naked and tied up) for other dudes and never mentioning it, let alone getting permission to do it, speaks volumes about her honesty (or lack thereof) in the marriage.

 

She doesn't need his permission. He doesn't own her. And he wasn't in those pictures. She must however need to have accountability for her actions. And this doesn't get her off the hook for deceiving him. But she needs to have a chance to come clean. The more info the OP has, the better he can attest to her sincerity when asked about this.

 

And @ MJJean

 

That's pretty awesome of you to share something like that for the sake of the OP.

[Friskyone4u]

Was Strong

 

Very sorry for the **** sandwich she has given you. The first thing I would say is that you have enough solid proof there I can't imagine why you would sit still and let her continue this and endure the pain . It's like saying she blew you arm off but has t killed you yet so wait to see if she will. You could go months without catching her. You could start with creating a profile of exactly what she is looking for and hoping she bites.

I would have to say with what you have seen and with her online with people from all over it would be a little naive to assume she is not having sex with anyone else during her travels.

And if she travels frequently , or really if she does not , the quickest way you are going to get to the bottom of this is to confront her, let her tell you all the lies, then tell her fine and that she can tell that to the polygraph examiner. Her reaction to that demand will give you your answer . If she has only been in indulging in a fantasy and has not acted on it she will jump at the chance to prove it. My guess is she will fight to the death to avoid it.

Now your other option is to suck it up and play CIA and hope she makes a mistake but in the meantime your guts wl be spilling out every time she walks out the door. And please do not feel cohort for snooping. If what you have already found is not enough for you to believe her right to privacy does not exist, then I am afraid you are in for a lot of misery.

[MJJean]

 

I will repeat, there is nothing wrong with taking the pictures and having those fantasies, my issue is the online sharing part.

 

I find it sad that the woman didn't trust the OP enough to share her most intimate desires. But I find it extremely alarming that she went ahead and uploaded those pictures. I think that problems needs to be addressed asap before she does more harm to herself and her family.

 

 

And @ MJJean

 

That's pretty awesome of you to share something like that for the sake of the OP.

 

I did it for his wife, too. I don't imagine this is any easier for her and I suspect she may be afraid and hurting. And I'm such a chicken it took me a few hours after I read the thread to get up the guts to post. I was dead serious when I said I've never told anyone but my husband what I posted here.

 

Responding to the quotes I bolded, I don't think some of you folks understand how upsetting it can be to discover this kind of thing about yourself. Someone mentioned not knowing who she really is and others suggested she was in need of therapy which implies mental illness.

 

Imagine being who you are and then discovering something about yourself that makes you doubt everything.

 

Imagine thinking that you're some kind of deviant freak who needs to hide this dirty, shameful, thing about yourself.

 

Imagine wanting nothing more than to have someone to talk to who won't reject you, who won't think badly of you, and you have no one. Why? Because the one person you want to tell the most, your spouse, is the one person who could hurt you in a way you'd never recover from if s/he reacted badly.

 

Imagine having growing physical, emotional, and psychological needs gnawing away at you and there is no relief in sight because you're sure if anyone you know finds out you will be ridiculed and shunned as a pervert.

 

Imagine being a woman who is getting older in a society that prizes youth.

 

Strangers are safe. They have no power to hurt you. They'll accept you and be honest with you without judging. Your beloved spouse is dangerous because s/he could destroy you.

 

Now can you see why she may have posted those pictures online looking for validation and acceptance?

 

Also, the confrontational approaches I've seen suggested are very, very, very bad ideas. She will most likely act defensively out of hurt and fear. She could easily make herself look guilty of cheating simply out of self-preservation instincts. Talk to her calmly. Make her feel safe. Make her feel loved and accepted. Deal with the submission and the online pics as separate issues.

Edited February 8, 2015 by MJJean

[spanz1]

please, slow down, take a breath. you have NO evidence she is doing anything with other people physically. and even if she was, a lot of this fetish stuff is not actually sexual, as in penis and vagina sex. often it is all done with their clothing on.

 

 

So, one possible scenario...she read the "50 shades of gray" type of books, they turned her on, she came and asked for some form of kinkier sex from you, and you blew her off (maybe by dismissing it out of hand without really listening to her or realizing how serious she was), then she went online to learn more. There is one big fetish website that caters to this sort of thing.

she probably joined there, and started talking with other members who also had "vanilla sex" spouses.

 

 

So, maybe you should sit her down and find out what her kinks are, and why she did not feel comfortable enough in your relationship to come to you to ask to satisfy her needs???

 

 

in other words, there is a fair chance it is NOT as bad as you think it is...you just have no framework for that type of sexual act, so it seems like a total disaster. how about talking about it with her when she gets back. maybe do a little research online yourself while she is traveling?

 

 

that 50 shades of gray movie is premiering on valentines day...offer to take her to it, and try to keep an open mind. this maybe a show stopper for her--a stagnant sex life with her husband.

Edited February 9, 2015 by spanz1

[autumnnight]

M J Jean, first let me way that I admire and respect you so much for sharing. You sound like a wonderful woman, and your husband sounds like a great guy.

 

I wish I could think what you had the courage to share will make a difference. It won't. Why, you may ask:

 

1. This wife is a woman

 

2. This wife shared explicit photos oin the internet without her husband's knowledge. To be fair, this is pretty big stuff and needs to be dealt with seriously

 

3. This wife is a woman

 

4. It is the nature of all infidelity forums to assume that every person who has done any type of infidelity has actually done all of it repeatedly and is just lying. So even if the wife has done nothing but the photos, she comes completely clean with humility, and vows to make amends and work on her marriage, there are people online who will ALWAYS encourage a BH to doubt every word, picture her as the biggest whore possible, and - if he doesn't leave - make sure she never forgets. As if anyone with normal brain function could forget something like that. The entire notion that a woman would "forget" is laughably stupid.

 

This woman needs to come completely clean, and those pictures need to be removed YESTERDAY. And some serious discussion and possibly counseling is in order.

 

But sadly, your happy ending is not what most of the feeding frenzy typically wants.

 

I have pretty much lost faith in all people I cannot reach out and touch.

[oldshirt]

still many unanswered questions here.

 

 

Again, was this some kind of people-meeting-people site where people post profiles explaining their wants and what they are looking for in an effort to meet and hook up with other people? Or is it a site where people share pictures and comment on pictures and maybe share stories about there experiences and such?

 

 

Has there been any signs or evidence that she has been with other people or involved with anyone else?

 

 

This is a situation that calls for some serious investigation and serious discussion, but I haven't seen anything about actual infidelity or affairs yet.

 

 

The reason I say that is the lack of direct messaging from any other man. He only mentioned comments about pictures.

 

 

Lets contrast this with a hook site profile. If a 300lb, hairy woman with a wart the size of a shooter marble posts on Ashley Madison or Craiglist or a swinger site that she is up for some no-strings sex, she is instantly bombarded with 100 messages from guys wanting to set up a time and place to meet. if a woman is half way attractive, you can quadruple that.

 

 

Where are the "lets get together!" messages? Where are the, "I'll give you the best fcking you've ever had!" messages?

 

 

Is there any evidence of her writing back to any of these people?

 

 

There are too many unanswered questions here. This isn't making a whole lot of sense yet.

 

 

There is are about 5 missing links of the puzzle here.

 

 

I think talk of marriage being over and kicking her out etc are a bit premature at the moment. How about just finding out what's actually going on first?

[Babs22]

I did it for his wife, too. I don't imagine this is any easier for her and I suspect she may be afraid and hurting. And I'm such a chicken it took me a few hours after I read the thread to get up the guts to post. I was dead serious when I said I've never told anyone but my husband what I posted here.

 

Responding to the quotes I bolded, I don't think some of you folks understand how upsetting it can be to discover this kind of thing about yourself. Someone mentioned not knowing who she really is and others suggested she was in need of therapy which implies mental illness.

 

Imagine being who you are and then discovering something about yourself that makes you doubt everything.

 

Imagine thinking that you're some kind of deviant freak who needs to hide this dirty, shameful, thing about yourself.

 

Imagine wanting nothing more than to have someone to talk to who won't reject you, who won't think badly of you, and you have no one. Why? Because the one person you want to tell the most, your spouse, is the one person who could hurt you in a way you'd never recover from if s/he reacted badly.

 

Imagine having growing physical, emotional, and psychological needs gnawing away at you and there is no relief in sight because you're sure if anyone you know finds out you will be ridiculed and shunned as a pervert.

 

Imagine being a woman who is getting older in a society that prizes youth.

 

Strangers are safe. They have no power to hurt you. They'll accept you and be honest with you without judging. Your beloved spouse is dangerous because s/he could destroy you.

 

Now can you see why she may have posted those pictures online looking for validation and acceptance?

 

Also, the confrontational approaches I've seen suggested are very, very, very bad ideas. She will most likely act defensively out of hurt and fear. She could easily make herself look guilty of cheating simply out of self-preservation instincts. Talk to her calmly. Make her feel safe. Make her feel loved and accepted. Deal with the submission and the online pics as separate issues.

 

MJJean, I do hope your story helps. I agree 100% with your comments and hope OP takes them to heart. Especially in a long standing marriage, it might be extremely difficult to share these desires with her husband.

 

There is a huge rush to judgement going on from some of the posters here. A couple of them seem to have been betrayed badly and that has altered their view about every one and every situation. I hope the OP goes and sees a MC to help him process what has happened.

 

I fully agree with MJJean on this point............

"Also, the confrontational approaches I've seen suggested are very, very, very bad ideas. She will most likely act defensively out of hurt and fear. She could easily make herself look guilty of cheating simply out of self-preservation instincts. Talk to her calmly. Make her feel safe. Make her feel loved and accepted. Deal with the submission and the online pics as separate issues."

[Was_strong]

Thx MJ Jean,

 

I really appreciate your candor. Thanks to everyone else for posting. I've calmed down a lot. I don't feel so wounded now. My strength is returning.

 

Im not a big online guy so I apologize for not addressing each post. Its a bit overwhelming reading all of the responses.

 

My wife is returning today. It's a bit corny but she tells me that I am a king In bed she calls me her king. If you want to be the king you have to behave like one. It's not my style to spy and sneak. I need to live up to who I am. It may not be the dominant strategy in terms of game theory but I cannot do what does not feel right to me.

 

My plan is to calmly confront her when she returns today. She is a fairly direct person. My instinct tells me that she will be honest. If she is not and our marriage is not meant to be then it will come out over time.

 

As I have written before, our marriage, to my knowledge has been pretty ideal. Our sex life has been good. Our communication is relaxed. We aren't "screamers". Time to show my best.

 

Wish me luck.

[Ralph79]

Thx MJ Jean,

 

I really appreciate your candor. Thanks to everyone else for posting. I've calmed down a lot. I don't feel so wounded now. My strength is returning.

 

Im not a big online guy so I apologize for not addressing each post. Its a bit overwhelming reading all of the responses.

 

My wife is returning today. It's a bit corny but she tells me that I am a king In bed she calls me her king. If you want to be the king you have to behave like one. It's not my style to spy and sneak. I need to live up to who I am. It may not be the dominant strategy in terms of game theory but I cannot do what does not feel right to me.

 

My plan is to calmly confront her when she returns today. She is a fairly direct person. My instinct tells me that she will be honest. If she is not and our marriage is not meant to be then it will come out over time.

 

As I have written before, our marriage, to my knowledge has been pretty ideal. Our sex life has been good. Our communication is relaxed. We aren't "screamers". Time to show my best.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Cheers and good luck. Keep us posted if you can. We're all hoping for the best outcome for you and her.

[lolablue17]

Good luck!