Leegh Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I know there is not a "one size fits all" answer, but I have known several unhappily married men, and even though they are unhappy they are so entrenched within the marriage, and I think they feel "stuck" even if they find someone they like better. In a way, I think some unhappily married people (not just men) are so used to being unhappy in the marriage, that it feels "normal" to them. In addition, they probably have a mortgage on their car and house, and they may owe other money. In addition, if they have children, pets, then they worry about not seeing them as much if the marriage ends. In addition, no one wants to go through a divorce, and certainly not a nasty one. I'm sorry to sound negative, but I think a lot of people are not happily married, but it's just too financially and mentally overwhelming to consider divorce. Yes, I'm sure there are people who do end bad marriages, especially if they can afford it, but for many folks ending a bad marriage may seem too overwhelming. If possible, do not become romantically involved with a married person, it's too complicated! Lastly, I think there are many happy marriages, but that is for a different post. Any comments? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I do agree with you. Divorce is overwhelming these days. I've always noticed that more women opt to divorce, and more men tend to step out. Men stepping out doesn't mean that they're totally miserable though, I think most of them just use cheating as a means to cope with a problematic marriage. They want the best of both worlds. They want the kids and the materialistic aspect of their marriage (the things they built with wife- house, cars, assets) but the sex and emotional availability of a mistress. I always say though, that if someone is truly miserable enough in a marriage, they will leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 (edited) Just look at the divorce rates. People who want to end marriages do so everyday. If a man has the time and energy to cheat, he could have used that time instead to fix his marriage or get out of it. Edited February 7, 2015 by purplesorrow 12 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I do agree with you. Divorce is overwhelming these days. I've always noticed that more women opt to divorce, and more men tend to step out. Men stepping out doesn't mean that they're totally miserable though, I think most of them just use cheating as a means to cope with a problematic marriage. They want the best of both worlds. They want the kids and the materialistic aspect of their marriage (the things they built with wife- house, cars, assets) but the sex and emotional availability of a mistress. I always say though, that if someone is truly miserable enough in a marriage, they will leave. Stepping out doesn't necessarily mean they are in any way miserable. Some people are just selfish entitled azzholes. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Just adding another thought - the same happy marriage you're witnessing today may have been a cesspool of misery 5 years ago (or will be 5 years from now). Longtime-married people often say some years were better than others. Hats off to them for hanging in there anyway through all that crap. I couldn't do it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Why settle for happiness? Demand euphoria ! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Sounds like my friends marriage. Dude is locked in bad and living a dogs life. Very difficult for him to extricate himself though especially as his wife is a foreign national and he fears without their marriage she will leave and he wont see his child again. Makes me glad to be single! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 There is no doubt that divorce is a major expense for both parties usually. People don't like change. Just because a man is unhappy or bored in his marriage doesn't necessarily mean he wants to totally lose his wife or vice versa. They wish they had more times of the good times and less of the drudgery. With guys, they mainly wish they could get some variety on the side and keep the wife. Two out of three separated/divorcing guys I dated said they could not imagine never having sex with their wife again. So even though they may complain and tell the other woman that the marriage is bad or make up excuses why they can't leave, if they really wanted to get away from the wife, they would, at any cost. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 One potential is that fear of the unknown can supersede that of the known, even if unhappy and, not to put too fine a point on it, men are often fearful of being alone, especially if they've been married many years or partnered many years. It's like going to the neighborhood diner where everyone says hi when one walks in and the waitress knows one's 'usual' and suddenly one day the diner is blown up. Men are creatures of comfort and habit when not out slaying dragons in the cold, cruel world. Shaking that up with the upheaval of divorce can be a debilitating experience many would rather avoid if possible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I think it's being comfortable. It takes a lot to admit to yourself that you are not happy and doing something about it. Marriage is work. It's not all roses. Life gets hectic and marriage (the relationship) often becomes last on the priority totem pole. If you let that drag for too long it's near impossible to bring it back. Both partners have to want it and clear communication is a must. No blame games. Looking at yourself and taking your ego and pride out of the equation to make the first move is crucial. Many people who are married have expectations on their spouse that they themselves don't carry out. None of us are mind readers. Constant communication and connection is a must. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 There's a married guy at work that's been hitting on me. I know his wife, and I've met his kids. I asked him why. The way he tells it, they're happily married except that she takes medication that makes her uninterested in sex. Sounds like it's been long enough that it's built up to a bit of a thing for him. But in everything else, he's good with the marriage. I told him it's not worth the heartache. That he can't imagine how much he would hurt his family. And he agreed, superficially. But I can tell it makes no difference. The point is, he's not ready or interested in leaving, but his need for sex is outweighing his better judgment. It's sad how hard it is to pass on the knowledge you gain from your own life experiences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Why settle for happiness? Demand euphoria ! Exactly - immature, selfish, entitlement instead of grown up commitment 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Interesting post dday observation- what my husband considered stressful-kids, two houses, a demanding job, etc.. he now sees as a blessing because his selfishness almost cost him all of it- he did not stay because he did not want to lose those things, he stayed because he refocused and found value in them- All of that pillow talk some OWs hear about stressful lives that they hold on to when the MM stays married is not a chain around their neck, but rather a chain in their heart-one they cherish more than anything- some MM consider themselves lucky, not trapped to be able to still be part of their families-they love their wives, their families, their lives- they realize that at dday and never look back- 4 Link to post Share on other sites
P51Geo1980 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Exactly - immature, selfish, entitlement instead of grown up commitment There is absolutely nothing adult about staying in a miserable situation, no matter what the commitment is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 There is absolutely nothing adult about staying in a miserable situation, no matter what the commitment is. No. But honoring that commitment with honesty and integrity when one needs to get out is the adult thing to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 People in unhappy marriages that cheat, often only have other married people to choose from as partners. The single people don't need to stoop to sleeping with married people. So when the two married cheaters look at the options they have, the AP they have is not all that desirable, in one important way anyway. Their AP is cheating on their own BS. Is that really the kind of person you want to leave your marriage for? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 People in unhappy marriages that cheat, often only have other married people to choose from as partners. The single people don't need to stoop to sleeping with married people. So when the two married cheaters look at the options they have, the AP they have is not all that desirable, in one important way anyway. Their AP is cheating on their own BS. Is that really the kind of person you want to leave your marriage for? My wh's ow was single. She didn't need to stoop to being a side piece, but she did. He told her from day one he wasn't leaving. Some single people have actually said they prefer a married partner. I would say that a lot of affair partners are single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Well, the man I know simply says he refuses to divorce again and says he will live in the bed he made. He said before he married his wife, her ex-husband contacted him to try to tell him what he was getting into, but he declined to meet. He claims there is no sex or intimacy, and it was a marriage of convenience, they both had teens. The wife is controlling. He is conflict-avoidant and will do whatever she wants to keep her happy. His divorce before he met her wiped him out financially and the years that followed dealing with the mother of his kids was bad. He refuses to go through that again. This wife doesn't work and things would go bad if he left. He simply chooses to "play house" as he says. He's either a very beta male or perhaps even lying, and not really that miserable. Who knows. He is a totally different, happy and fun person when he isn't around her. When he's with her, he's uptight and stiff. He says she tells him to act his age (59) and gets mad when he jokes around with his grown kids. Why do they stay? Age old question (for either sex). Beats me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) I stayed way too long because I felt trapped and obligated. And this idea of commitment that is so often tossed around only supposes that a man should tolerate no end of selfishness and abuse. It is an excuse used to maintain control. I don't believe in cheating but commitment has its limits. My wife used that very notion of commitment to guilt me into a lifetime of misery. She played on my sense of duty and took advantage of it. And I stayed committed right up to the moment that I nearly blew my brains out. So don't buy it!!! It isn't worth the price and it can be used as a weapon. If you are miserable, end it and leave. No price is too high. Edited February 8, 2015 by Robert Z 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Leegh You have a very valid point about people staying in miserable marriages and others have pointed out some of the reasons given (kids, finances, etc). I don't think it is more prevalent in either sex however. Women do the same things in just as many numbers, so it sounds like your question may have been prompted by you being involved with a married man or a married man trying to get you involved. Men stay because I think most people would not argue if they educate themselves that divorce laws in most states dramatically favor women, and no matter what causes the split men find themselves living in a small apartment strained financially, hardly seeing their kids, and wind up with another man occupying the home that they just lost. Now before everyone goes crazy, of course their are situations where that is not true. And with infidelity as a non issue in most states , it compounds the problem. I have two good friends whose wives were both having affairs and in both cases my friends are in the situation I just described. I also think men stay because as we get older we are afraid of not being able to successfully pursue women for sex, which if you read some very popular books they state that sex is the number one need that me. Have in a relationship or marriage. This is more true probably of men who are NOT cheating. Women stay I think more because of the maternal link to the children and if they are not financially able to make the break they suck it up and endure. I think for both sexes , having this pressure to stay because of all of these outside factors greatly contributes to the seemingly rising epidemic of infidelity. How many of us do not know anyone impacted by someone cheating . It's sad. People stay and be miserable and cheat as a means to cope. And I think a lot of people do it because they believe even if caught , it will be more painful to divorce for all of the reasons pointed out than to fight the battle and endure the uncertainty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Folks, this thread is about unhappily married men staying in their marriages, not yet another excuse to spout political rhetoric regarding affairs. In fact, the only tangential statement regarding affairs at all is this: "If possible, do not become romantically involved with a married person, it's too complicated!" Hence, feel free to validate or refute that particular statement if you must without taking personal pot shots at members or groups of members or, more appropriately, address why or why not men choose to remain in unhappy marriages. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 OP, You said; but I have known several unhappily married men, but that is what they tell you - so, unless you are a 'fly on the wall' you won't know the truth of the situation.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Good point, in all relationship matters 'heard'. Trust, but verify. I recall one early MW as much as stating such when she opined that no one but the couple knows what goes on behind closed doors. She was stating such, in general, to gain my sympathy, which she did! (I was young and naive) but later that statement came to bring greater meaning in the trust but verify area, in general. Later, when being a man in an unhappy marriage myself, it became glaringly clear how outward appearances and what went on behind closed doors could be markedly different. I stayed to protect my status as a caregiver; that was job #1. Fear of compromising that responsibility kept me in the milieu. Other than what I shared in MC, I kept those fears to myself, because that's what men do. Showing fear as a man is a sure way to lose the respect of others or get killed, depending on the situation. Hence, men compartmentalize and deal with it, putting the unhappiness away in a box during everyday life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) First off....the "just leave" comments are absolutely ridiculous..Yeah right, poof, just leave and everything is just great.... As the moderator stated, lets leave out the bottle throwing regarding affairs.... Its like this.. Men are(or were, anyway) raised to take it on the chin...Be the heavy, the protector, the provider, be the "man of the house",..etc..Whining is for children and women...When men leave marriages, they are almost always shamed and vilified, called selfish, mean, cruel, and all sorts of other things...Women leave? They have the "luxury" of confiding in friends and family and there is almost always a support network for them..For them, they werent mean, they had to leave an unbearable situation or "their emotional needs werent being met".....A man cant say those things or he'll be told to "man up"....So there is clearly a gender difference here.. Here is how the typical man feels when he's "locked into" this situation... Option A.. Leave...Divorce...Likely get killed in the divorce settlement...Many states(including my home state) have provisions for lifetime alimony support....Thats correct....lifetime...Loss/liquidation of most of assets, which may have been all or mostly earned off the back of the man...etc.. But far beyond the enormous financial hit, now, because the guy doesnt want his kids(or even his STBXW) in a shytty living arrangement, he normally goes to some fleabag apartment, while the ex and kids remain in the nice family home...And speaking of kids, now he loses all access to his kids, except for some "arrangements"...Thats gonna hurt...And dont forget how miserable he will be viewed as the one that left..the one who couldnt man up, abandoned his family and left them out in the cold.... So there you are..You have your "freedom", but now are eating off a hotplate, because you want to do for your kids, and your paycheck cant support two decent households..so the kids win out...Again, most from the outside dont know the real conditions..They only see what they see... Option B... Stay in the shyt...Continue to sleep on the couch...Act like roommates or housemates..No intimacy or sex, no partnership..Continue to be nothing more than a provider and forget about anything else you might want out of this life...Forget about having the type of life you want and give it all up to not blow up your kids whole lives and destroy yourself financially and even though you are totally miserable, at least the world wont see you as some type of monster....what a deal, right?? Im only giving the perspective of a lot of guys I know in this situation....This is not a "them vs us" type of thing...There are good and bad on both sides... I guess that maybe due to the overwhelming failure rate of marriages, maybe they should totally revamp the rules..Make it easier for people to extricate themselves....Marriage shouldnt be a way to "trap" a guy to stay in a relationship that doesnt meet his expectation, but the way it is right now and the general attitudes towards men who leave, its kinda set up that way.. Maybe make marriage like a drivers license that has to be renewed every 5 years or so...If its not working, then dont renew...Might allow some serious thought about moving forward...This might work well for women as well, who feel stuck..Either way, leaving or staying shouldnt be like a choice to enter the lions den or the bear cave... Its not easy as it seems...especially for those that care... TFY Edited February 8, 2015 by thefooloftheyear 3 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) Quote by thefooloftheyear: "Stay in the shyt...Continue to sleep on the couch...Act like roommates or housemates..No intimacy or sex, no partnership..Continue to be nothing more than a provider and forget about anything else you might want out of this life...Forget about having the type of life you want and give it all up to not blow up your kids whole lives and destroy yourself financially and even though you are totally miserable, at least the world wont see you as some type of monster....what a deal, right?? In doing some asking around and doing some study....I truly believe this describes a Huge percentage of marriages today..Thoreau said " 'Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." I think thats it... When we are stuck we stay stuck because of the dire legal consequences facing us as men.... Todays woman however has no such illusions ......According to the American Academy of Trial Lawyers...70% of all divorces filed in the last 3 years are filed by women...If they are miserable ..the file for D at a much greater percentage than men.... Also another survey gave Married Couples a one sentence question .." Would you consider your marriage to be:1. Very Happy..2.Happy. 3.Moderately Happy...4.Neither Unhappy or Happy...5.Unhappy...6.Miserable... Watch the answers....Husbands stated by 65% they were Happy or Moderately so... While Wives rated their marriages Happy or Moderately Happy at 37%...Jesus ...Women are either more in touch with themselves..or us guys are living in the looney land of denial or maybe some of both... But from the above statement...I agree..I personally do not see many "Happy" marriages from friends and colleagues...in the last 20 years.. P.S. Men ages 28-35 are marrying at a 30-35% Less rate than they did 20 years ago... Edited February 8, 2015 by badkarma2013 Link to post Share on other sites
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