Unhappily married men and NOT leaving wives?

[Gloria25]

Look, as someone who's been the OW now and then, I usually gravitate towards guys who are in bad situations cuz IMO, there are two kinds of guys who cheat in marriages:

 

(1) Dogs - who are selfish, never satisfied, insecure, and want a harem of women; and,

 

(2) Starved guys - wives no longer care, deny him sex, affection, let go of themselves.

 

And, I believe sometimes there's a 3rd guy who in a moment of weakness has a slip, but goes back to being a good husband.

 

So, I do not care to be the OW with what I consider is a "dog"...but, lately am not feeling much sympathy for guys who I considered as "starved" guys.

 

I think a lot of guys don't leave cuz:

 

-It's "cheaper to keep her". I mean, divorce is expensive. Also, once the homes are split, you're not sharing the same home, car, etc so it becomes expensive for both the ex husband and wife to raise the kids - which diminishes the quality of life for the kids.

 

-Comfortable. I look at this couple in my hood. They are in their 50's but look like late 60's. They are literally repulsive. Both are overweight, outside their home looks nasty (so imagine what inside looks like). They are lazy. They used to walk to the mailbox with the dog and are so lazy they don't even do that anymore. NO ONE WANTS THEM. So, why break up with someone if no one else will want you? Some people cannot stand to be alone, so they'd just be with "anybody". Chris Rock one time in his comedy show said that guys will cheat based on what "options" they have to cheat. In other words, if he can't pull no tail, he probably won't leave you and/or cheat.

 

-Honor/commitment to the kids. While it is true that kids are resilient, a divorce devastates them. No, and no "step-parent" can fill that void. That's why 2nd marriages have such a high divorce rate - it isn't that simple. But, who cares about the kids right? Cuz what matters is if mommy/daddy is happy, right? Well, IMO, sacrificing for the kids and staying the marriage and pretending you love your spouse is honorable - especially if it's your fault that you chose a bad spouse. Your kids shouldn't have to suffer cuz you made poor choices. I mean, we go to work every day and smile in the faces of people we cannot stand. I don't know why people act like being nice to their spouse in front of the kids is so impossible. Now, if there's addictions, abuse and affairs then yes, divorce is warranted cuz the kids shouldn't watch daddy beating on mommy or daddy coming home all times of the nite and/or drunk.

 

But, it's getting hard for me to feel sorry for people in bad marriages. My fav podcaster says "chose wisely - treat kindly". I'm starting to see that people see the red flags but still plow forward into bad marriages.

 

I mean, I guess they do it cuz either they: think they can't do better, figure that marriage and/or kids the person would "grow up" and/or have an incentive to be a better person?

 

They also don't do pre-marital counseling. They get married cuz it "feeeeels" right and/or they've been seeing each other for more than a week and figure that automatically the next step is marriage.

 

And, of course, there are women who just want their "day in a white dress". I was catching up with ID's 'Who the bleep?!?' yesterday and this woman said it clear as day. She, since a little girl, had her wedding all planned out and when she met dude (who turned out to be a bum and bigamist) she noticed things about his townhome and stuff were off, but wanted to get married so bad.

 

And, people just don't turn into pumpkins after you marry them. If she is fat and doesn't believe in fitness, doesn't cook, doesn't keep up her looks - it's only gonna increase after marriage. If he drinks, cheats, is emotionally unavailable - it isn't gonna change with marriage. I mean, if someone - before you put the ring on their finger, and at a time where they should be doing backflips to impress you - is already backsliding, why do you think it's gonna get better once you give them a ring? With the ring, now they have even less incentive to impress you they literally "got you" now.

 

....So, IMO, people are in bad marriages cuz they didn't choose wisely and are probably too lazy/scared to leave cuz pretty much the same reasons they chose the bad person (comfortable, settling, fear of being alone, praying they will change) are the same reasons motivating them to "stick it out".

 

And then, there's people who by the time they realize the red flags were something they "thought" they could tolerate and NOW after so long of being married just want out - too late cuz now there's kids and/or commingled finances and even "if" they want to leave, it's gonna be devastating emotionally and financially....

[No Limit]

It's more comfortable to keep the wife. Frankly, there seem to be plenty who don't even care about their men's affairs and OW so long as they are in charge at home and have their dream household and kids.

 

Not to mention the danger of losing almost everything in life you've worked so hard for only for a few sex sessions with another woman - with the chance of bad sex happening - and your name sullied. Pretty dangerous if you don't play your hand right.

[Gloria25]

Quote by thefooloftheyear:

 

"Stay in the shyt...Continue to sleep on the couch...Act like roommates or housemates..No intimacy or sex, no partnership..Continue to be nothing more than a provider and forget about anything else you might want out of this life...Forget about having the type of life you want and give it all up to not blow up your kids whole lives and destroy yourself financially and even though you are totally miserable, at least the world wont see you as some type of monster....what a deal, right??

 

In doing some asking around and doing some study....I truly believe this describes a Huge percentage of marriages today..Thoreau said " 'Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." I think thats it...

 

When we are stuck we stay stuck because of the dire legal consequences facing us as men....

 

Todays woman however has no such illusions ......According to the American Academy of Trial Lawyers...70% of all divorces filed in the last 3 years are filed by women...If they are miserable ..the file for D at a much greater percentage than men....

 

Of course women are more likely to file first. Women are more complex and harder to please and the courts favor women when it comes to alimony, custody of the kids, etc. So, guys have more to lose and rather suffer in silence than go for divorce.

 

Also another survey gave Married Couples a one sentence question .." Would you consider your marriage to be:1. Very Happy..2.Happy. 3.Moderately Happy...4.Neither Unhappy or Happy...5.Unhappy...6.Miserable...

 

Watch the answers....Husbands stated by 65% they were Happy or Moderately so... While Wives rated their marriages Happy or Moderately Happy at 37%...Jesus ...Women are either more in touch with themselves..or us guys are living in the looney land of denial or maybe some of both...

 

Of course women are more happy. Once they are married, they get a guy to provide/protect for them and have the legal protection of the courts and the moral/appearances protection of the communities. So, the women can stop taking care of themselves, sexing/caring for the guy, and do what they want. Shoot, wouldn't that make you happy? To have all he "perks" of marriage (his house, money, time) w/o having keep up your end of the bargain (your looks, sexing him and/or caring for the house/home)?

 

But from the above statement...I agree..I personally do not see many "Happy" marriages from friends and colleagues...in the last 20 years..

 

Probably cuz while women now make their own money, the courts still favor women in divorce/custody situations...so, she can have her cake and eat it too now a days. She can work, make her own money, mess around with some guy in the office, then come home and complain how much she's unhappy, divorce her guy and take the home and kids.

 

P.S. Men ages 28-35 are marrying at a 30-35% Less rate than they did 20 years ago...

 

My responses are in "bold" above.

[carhill]

Divorce can indeed be disastrous for either spouse. No doubt men have this on their mind. I certainly did.

 

OTOH, it's difficult to place a specific value on being contented and happy, or discontented and unhappy. That's up to the individual.

 

In our case, I'm still living in my historical residence of nearly 30 years after buying exW a house in the D and purchased two other homes post-D. How did this happen? Well, a lot of positive energy resulted from ending an unhappy marriage and it's amazing what positive energy can do, along with freedom. I liked being married, no doubt, because it was a positive and uplifting experience for awhile, but it's a part of life that's in the past now. I couldn't imagine, today, being unhappy and staying, regardless of circumstances. If the roots of the unhappiness were/are irreconcilable, outta there, predicated upon a firm knowledge of being a generally positive person throughout life. Relationships, IMO, should be uplifting. If other, move on. I have.

[thefooloftheyear]

Divorce can indeed be disastrous for either spouse. No doubt men have this on their mind. I certainly did.

 

OTOH, it's difficult to place a specific value on being contented and happy, or discontented and unhappy. That's up to the individual.

 

In our case, I'm still living in my historical residence of nearly 30 years after buying exW a house in the D and purchased two other homes post-D. How did this happen? Well, a lot of positive energy resulted from ending an unhappy marriage and it's amazing what positive energy can do, along with freedom. I liked being married, no doubt, because it was a positive and uplifting experience for awhile, but it's a part of life that's in the past now. I couldn't imagine, today, being unhappy and staying, regardless of circumstances. If the roots of the unhappiness were/are irreconcilable, outta there, predicated upon a firm knowledge of being a generally positive person throughout life. Relationships, IMO, should be uplifting. If other, move on. I have.

 

In fairness...no kids, I suppose??

 

TFY

[badkarma2013]

Originally Posted by Gloria 25 View Post

 

 

Of course women are more likely to file first. Women are more complex and harder to please and the courts favor women when it comes to alimony, custody of the kids, etc. So, guys have more to lose and rather suffer in silence than go for divorce.

 

 

 

Of course women are more happy. Once they are married, they get a guy to provide/protect for them and have the legal protection of the courts and the moral/appearances protection of the communities. So, the women can stop taking care of themselves, sexing/caring for the guy, and do what they want. Shoot, wouldn't that make you happy? To have all he "perks" of marriage (his house, money, time) w/o having keep up your end of the bargain (your looks, sexing him and/or caring for the house/home)?

 

 

 

Probably cuz while women now make their own money, the courts still favor women in divorce/custody situations...so, she can have her cake and eat it too now a days. She can work, make her own money, mess around with some guy in the office, then come home and complain how much she's unhappy, divorce her guy and take the home and kids.

 

*****************************************************************

Truer words were never spoken...Believe Me ...after I filed for D from My WW ..I WILL NEVER MARRY AGAIN...ever...

 

Something you touched on in your last paragraph...Michelle Langley writes in her book "Womens Infidelity"...Women want to marry and pressure men to do so...But after The house...2.5 kids and the car...They get Bored..unhappy..start with affairs and a great deal leave...but they dont know why...they have EVERYTHING they want but are unhappy...and Blame the husband

 

Pls take time to read this excerpt from her book...If you are a Man this should scare the Sh*T out of you...This is a recognized phenomena

 

If you are a Guy Pls read this: Langley distinguishes, based upon her interviews, four typical stages in

marital breakdown.

1) The wives begin to feel vaguely that “something is missing in their

lives.” Then they experience a loss of interest in sexual relations with their

husbands. The author is clear that her interviewees were not being “abused”

or mistreated in any way. Nevertheless, in some cases “the women claimed

that when their husbands touched them, they felt violated; they said their

bodies would freeze up and they would feel tightness in their chest and/or a

sick feeling in their stomach.”

2) After a certain interval, they experience an unexpected reawakening

of sexual desire—but not, alas, for their lawful husbands. In many cases, the

women did not act upon their new desires quickly. Usually they would go

through a period of feeling guilty, and sometimes try to assuage these feelings

by increased attentiveness toward their husbands.

Women, says Langley, enter marriage assuming they are naturally monogamous.

“Trying to be faithful doesn’t seem natural to them.” They recite

the wedding vow in much the same spirit as they wear “something borrowed,

something blue”—it is simply what one does at a wedding. Of course, a vow

is no very serious undertaking to one who assumes she will never feel any

temptation to break it.

Accordingly, over time, most women begin to rationalize their extramarital

erotic interests. If women simply want to be married and are not naturally

inclined to be attracted to other men, “any unhappiness or infidelity on the

part of the women is assumed to be due to the men they married.” This seems

to me a critically important and easily overlooked finding: the widely propagated

notion that women are naturally monogamous is helping to nourish

the contemporary “blame the man for everything” mentality. Hence, odd as

this sounds, in order to reestablish the actual practice of monogamy, it may be

necessary to discredit the notion that woman are naturally inclined to it.

Once women start believing their wayward desires can be blamed upon

their husbands’ failures, they become “negative and sarcastic when speaking

about their husbands and their marriages.” It is then usually just a matter of

time and opportunity before the wives proceed to actual adultery.

3) Women involved in extramarital affairs speak of “feelings unlike anything

they’d experienced before. They felt ‘alive’ again.” This euphoria was,

however, combined with pain and guilt. Often before a tryst, they would vow

that ‘this would be the last time,’ but were unable to keep their resolutions.

The author interprets this as addictive behavior related to the brain chemistry

of erotic attachment. She conjectures that the “high” produced by adultery

is more intense than that of lawful courtship .....

[carhill]

In fairness...no kids, I suppose??

 

TFY

Definitely correct, though not for lack of want. We were older and infertile. However, being a caregiver, I had some of the same trepidation, as I was taking care of an mental infant who was condemned to death. It was on my mind, though perhaps in a different way than for a parent who was nurturing a child to a hopefully long and healthy life.

[badkarma2013]

post from gloria25:Probably cuz while women now make their own money, the courts still favor women in divorce/custody situations...so, she can have her cake and eat it too now a days. She can work, make her own money, mess around with some guy in the office, then come home and complain how much she's unhappy, divorce her guy and take the home and kids..

 

 

*****************************************************************

 

finishing above post::Usually the women did not act decisively to end their marriages, which gave

them a sense of security in spite of everything. Divorce produces separation

anxiety, which is a sort of chemical withdrawal. Habitual attachments produce

a safe, comfortable feeling, like a sedative; and loss of a person to whom we

are bonded produces a panicky feeling like that of a child lost in a department

store, Langley writes. So these women often lived in a “state of limbo” for

years, unable to decide whether to remain married or seek a divorce. Most

expected they would eventually achieve clarity about their own desires, but

this seldom happened. The author’s hypothesis is that “clarity never comes,

because what they are really trying to do is avoid pain. They are hoping that

one day it won’t hurt to leave their spouse, or that one day they’ll no longer

desire to be with someone else and will want to return to their spouse.” (She

neglects to mention that it may “hurt” many women to renounce their husbands’

financial support as well.)

Sometimes the paramour breaks off relations with the adulterous wife,

for any number of reasons. In these cases, the women “experienced extreme

grief, became deeply depressed and expressed tremendous anger toward their

husbands” (my emphasis). In fact, according to Langley’s hypothesis, they were

experiencing another form of withdrawal—they were stimulant addicts forced

to go “cold turkey.” These women “placed the utmost importance on finding

a relationship that gave them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. In

the meantime, “some women resumed sporadic sexual relations with their

husbands in an effort to safeguard the marriage.” Though no longer attracted

to their husbands, “desire was temporarily rekindled when they suspected their

husbands were unfaithful [or] showed signs of moving on.” In other words,

even wives who have been unfaithful for years want to keep their husbands

hanging on—they do not want him to leave them.

4) Finally some women do reach a sort of resolution. This may mean divorce

or a decision to remain married and continue their affairs indefinitely.

Langley does not mention a single case in which an adulterous wife returned to her

husband unreservedly and sincerely. Those who divorced and remarried sometimes

expressed “regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to

find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.” In other

words, they had reached the end of a second feral sexual cycle, and boredom

had returned. The “natural” female sex drive results in rotating polyandry.

Langley even entitles one chapter “The Commitment Game: Female Version

of Pursue and Discard.” One can hardly avoid the thought that these women

might have saved everyone a lot of trouble by simply keeping their original

marriage vow.

Holy SH&T...Thanks but NO THANKS!!!!!

[Got it]

My parents both actively decided to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I have talked about it quite a bit on here but ultimately they stayed. I think there were multiple reasons, finances, fear of losing the kids, fear of losing any remote security, being alone, and FOO issues. I think that they got something out of being stuck that it became toxically functional for them. They were both very passive aggressive with each other and my dad started testing things to see if my mom would compromise. So he finally took a job in CA and moved out there. He then issued an ultimatum that she needed to move out there but without all of her pets. She refused so they divorced.

 

I don't agree with their process, I don't feel it was healthier or better as I don't think they should have ever married and had kids. Yes there were some good times but it was overshadowed with walking on eggshells waiting to the explosions of their fights or the strained silence during their no talking stages.

 

So regardless of why you are married or not, do you kids a favor and work towards being in the situation that is the least toxic and happiest. I will say since the divorce they have a MUCH better relationship, we still do family holidays together and the steam has been lead out of the pressure cooker.

 

So sure, my dad was a very unhappy married man that was going to change things.

[thefooloftheyear]

My parents both actively decided to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I have talked about it quite a bit on here but ultimately they stayed. I think there were multiple reasons, finances, fear of losing the kids, fear of losing any remote security, being alone, and FOO issues. I think that they got something out of being stuck that it became toxically functional for them. They were both very passive aggressive with each other and my dad started testing things to see if my mom would compromise. So he finally took a job in CA and moved out there. He then issued an ultimatum that she needed to move out there but without all of her pets. She refused so they divorced.

 

I don't agree with their process, I don't feel it was healthier or better as I don't think they should have ever married and had kids. Yes there were some good times but it was overshadowed with walking on eggshells waiting to the explosions of their fights or the strained silence during their no talking stages.

 

So regardless of why you are married or not, do you kids a favor and work towards being in the situation that is the least toxic and happiest. I will say since the divorce they have a MUCH better relationship, we still do family holidays together and the steam has been lead out of the pressure cooker.

 

So sure, my dad was a very unhappy married man that was going to change things.

 

I agee, but, TBH, who knows if it would have been better if they left when the kids were young...could easily have been worse, I suppose.??..

 

Kids are definitely the equalizer here...

 

When there are no kids, leavng is a much less daunting proposition...If you consider, lets say there are 3 kids stretched out over a span of 7 years...You are probably looking at a 30 year committment to those kids, until they are all emancipated..30 years is a pretty long time..

 

A friend of mine was married for 25 years...I think they were both kinda miserable, but just treading along.....no kids...She wakes up one morning and tells him she's thinking of getting a divorce..He said nothing..Went to the computer, and got the forms off Legal Zoom for 300 bucks...5 weeks, all done..Sold the house, and paid off the debt, split whats left, each kept their own 401k"s..she kept her junk and he kept his, they went their own ways...done..easy..Add kids into the mix and its a whole nuther world...

 

TFY

[purplesorrow]

I agee, but, TBH, who knows if it would have been better if they left when the kids were young...could easily have been worse, I suppose.??..

 

Kids are definitely the equalizer here...

 

When there are no kids, leavng is a much less daunting proposition...If you consider, lets say there are 3 kids stretched out over a span of 7 years...You are probably looking at a 30 year committment to those kids, until they are all emancipated..30 years is a pretty long time..

 

A friend of mine was married for 25 years...I think they were both kinda miserable, but just treading along.....no kids...She wakes up one morning and tells him she's thinking of getting a divorce..He said nothing..Went to the computer, and got the forms off Legal Zoom for 300 bucks...5 weeks, all done..Sold the house, and paid off the debt, split whats left, each kept their own 401k"s..she kept her junk and he kept his, they went their own ways...done..easy..Add kids into the mix and its a whole nuther world...

 

TFY

Depends on the people. Mine has been without drama. I keep my house, he keeps his. Custody is 50/50. No alimony no child support.

[thefooloftheyear]

Depends on the people. Mine has been without drama. I keep my house, he keeps his. Custody is 50/50. No alimony no child support.

 

I dont think it depends on the people, it depends really on the conditions and circumstances..

 

 

Maybe your kids might argue that there is "no drama"...Most kids would in divorce situations-thats just the way it goes,,....Id also say that your particular situation isnt typical...I mean, when you were a couple did you stay at his house during the week, then at yours on the weekends?? And I know of no divorced guy with kids that isnt paying support...none..

 

Good that you worked it out amicably, though I suppose

 

TFY

[lino]

In a lot of situations where this happens there is a very simple reason.

 

A lot of desperate men marry women they have very little to no attraction for because that's a better alternative for them than eternal loneliness. I've known several guys like this and their life seems miserable as sh#t.

 

Guys who are in all ways decent men but undesirable to most women one day finally get the attention of a middle aged woman with a rapidly ticking biological clock.

 

For these guys getting divorced out of such a marriage means a return to loneliness and their right hand so they stick with it.

 

My cousin is in this boat and it's depressing visiting him and his family.

[purplesorrow]

I dont think it depends on the people, it depends really on the conditions and circumstances..

 

 

Maybe your kids might argue that there is "no drama"...Most kids would in divorce situations-thats just the way it goes,,....Id also say that your particular situation isnt typical...I mean, when you were a couple did you stay at his house during the week, then at yours on the weekends?? And I know of no divorced guy with kids that isnt paying support...none..

 

Good that you worked it out amicably, though I suppose

 

TFY

 

I do think the people play a big part. He cheated, I could have easily gotten both alimony and child support. In my state I could have also sued the ow. Our child is very young. With joint custody I saw no reason nor need for financial support from him. But he always new that about me. He still doesn't want a divorce because he wasn't miserable and didn't want to leave.

[autumnnight]

Wow, I've read some of these posts.

 

My only comment about unhappily married men (or jaded single men who see thenselves as victims):

 

The only thing sadder than a man who thinks lowly of women and has no respect for women....is a woman who thinks lowly of women and has no respect for them.

 

Sheesh

[Got it]

I agee, but, TBH, who knows if it would have been better if they left when the kids were young...could easily have been worse, I suppose.??..

 

Kids are definitely the equalizer here...

 

When there are no kids, leavng is a much less daunting proposition...If you consider, lets say there are 3 kids stretched out over a span of 7 years...You are probably looking at a 30 year committment to those kids, until they are all emancipated..30 years is a pretty long time..

 

A friend of mine was married for 25 years...I think they were both kinda miserable, but just treading along.....no kids...She wakes up one morning and tells him she's thinking of getting a divorce..He said nothing..Went to the computer, and got the forms off Legal Zoom for 300 bucks...5 weeks, all done..Sold the house, and paid off the debt, split whats left, each kept their own 401k"s..she kept her junk and he kept his, they went their own ways...done..easy..Add kids into the mix and its a whole nuther world...

 

TFY

 

I am sorry but seeing my father taken away in handcuffs because they had another fight and I don't remember what she said but he tried to push her out of the house and so he was arrested for domestic disturbance. And this was in front of me, my siblings and my friends while playing flashlight tag.

 

I am struggling how that little gem, on top of many others, could actually have been realistically worse. I stand by with the view it would have been better to have taken that gamble. The most prominent memory/emotion I have from childhood is fear and anxiety. Walking on eggshells due to his temper and their fighting. And the time my mother told us she couldn't divorce because of having kids and not having money. That did a number on me and pushed off me ever wanting kids at the age of 11.

 

I am sorry and we will continue to agree to disagree I think but I stand by my view that divorce would have been better.

[Got it]

In a lot of situations where this happens there is a very simple reason.

 

A lot of desperate men marry women they have very little to no attraction for because that's a better alternative for them than eternal loneliness. I've known several guys like this and their life seems miserable as sh#t.

 

Guys who are in all ways decent men but undesirable to most women one day finally get the attention of a middle aged woman with a rapidly ticking biological clock.

 

For these guys getting divorced out of such a marriage means a return to loneliness and their right hand so they stick with it.

 

My cousin is in this boat and it's depressing visiting him and his family.

 

I think what is sadder that the idea of being alone is far worse than that living nightmare. One needs to learn to be happy with themselves. Using others to keep you from feeling alone is a failing attempt.

 

I will say, the most alone I ever felt was when I was married.

 

I am sorry but your friend is pathetic and actually using his wife for his own less than honorable intentions. Doesn't sound like a decent guy.

[idoltree]

Oh, yeah, I totally love it when I get approached by a married or attached guy who wants a good time with me, but specifies that "leaving is not an option."

 

Okay, so you'd rather actively try to step out on your wife/girlfriend then rather than face the music that you're not happy and take steps to rectify that? So brave.

 

And I love how they always give a proactive "leaving is not an option." What makes them think they're so desirable and wonderful that seductress me would be heartbroken not to be able to lure them away? That's just delusional and insulting, but I guess it makes them feel good about themselves if they offer that statement up.

 

It's like they've got to hold onto the good guy image they have of themselves, and think they're being unselfish by choosing the cowardly route, but they're really better off facing the reality and making some tough choices. They'd wreak less havoc that way, but they don't care. The family man/"Nice Guy" image is more important.

[carhill]

Yes, maintaining one's image (social status and power) can be a very potent motivator for a man to remain in an unhappy marriage. Amongst men, power is a measure of success and most men compete to win and their image amongst other men, and society in general, is part of their measure as a man. That dynamic can go far in explaining both sides of the dynamic, the staying in unhappy marriage and 'stepping out' surreptitiously. Men are pragmatic and do what works. If keeping up their image at home, even if unhappy privately, and getting sexual and/or emotional satisfaction from an affair partner works, that's what the man does. Secrecy supports the continuation of the status quo. It works.

[elaine567]

Divorce has to be made difficult, as marriage is not really only about two people, it is about the marital home, the joint assets and the kids.

If divorce was easy, then many men would just leave dependent women with children homeless and with little money. Many men would flit from woman to woman with no consequences, leaving children all over the place. This already happens in some sections of society.

The State could not have wives and children starving to death all over the place so it would need to step in, costing billions.

Far easier to make divorce difficult and for most men to be forced to provide for their dependent wives and children

[PinkInTheLimo]

I am pretty sure that there are quite a few good guys out there, who are in marriages which are not really great but care too much about their wives and kids to rock the boat. We have guys write here about marriages where they had to be happy with sex a couple of times a year for example, and yet they remained as devoted as ever to their marriage. Not happily but they did it.

 

At work I know some absolute bitches of women of whom I wonder how on earth they have found a husband. I have for example this female colleague who is constantly bragging, who imposes herself in conversations, who interrupts conversation and who I heard at one point yell to her husband on the phone that he was a f!cking idiot. But she is married and I think her husband is just a decent guy who likes to be married and have a family so he will put up with it.

 

I think that it is a lot more disturbing for a guy to break up his family. The decent ones will probably really suffer from the feeling of leaving their family.

[Quiet Storm]

I think men are more accepting of the way many marriages evolve. I don't think most men expect to be feeling madly in love and lusting after their spouse the same way at 60 as they did at 25. I think men accept that the passion settles into something more comfortable and are OK with that. They still want regular sex, but recognize that after many years together the relationship isn't going to be the same as it was in the beginning. It's a commitment, and most men want to honor that commitment. They want to grow old with their wives, even if the relationship becomes less exciting and more about taking care of each other. Divorce doesn't usually become an option in their minds unless their wives cheat, or are mentally ill or addicted.

 

I think many women are more relationship oriented and have a strong desire for personal connection. I think feelings and emotions play more of a role in their choices. Not that men don't have emotions, but I think they are less likely to allow their feelings to drive their decisions. I think communication is very important to women and helps them to feel connected to their spouse. After many years together, passion & excitement often fade into comfort and familiarity. There is often less sharing of feelings as time goes by. If a woman judges love by the intensity of her feelings, then she may come to the conclusion that the relationship has died, and decide that they are no longer in love. She is seeking that connection and looks to her man to make her feel treasured and loved. If she doesn't feel that, she is more likely to leave the marriage because her marriage can no longer provide the feelings that she seeks.

 

So basically, I think it comes down to how we value feelings & emotions. In my experience, while men feel emotions just as intensely as women do, they are less likely to allow those feelings to influence their life choices. Men do value romance and emotional connection, but those feelings aren't important enough to change their plans, goals and expectations. They may be unhappily married, but those unhappy feelings don't consume them. They can fill their live with other things and still be content. Women often place a very high value on emotional connection, and it's important enough to drive their decisions.

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes, maintaining one's image (social status and power) can be a very potent motivator for a man to remain in an unhappy marriage. Amongst men, power is a measure of success and most men compete to win and their image amongst other men, and society in general, is part of their measure as a man. That dynamic can go far in explaining both sides of the dynamic, the staying in unhappy marriage and 'stepping out' surreptitiously. Men are pragmatic and do what works. If keeping up their image at home, even if unhappy privately, and getting sexual and/or emotional satisfaction from an affair partner works, that's what the man does. Secrecy supports the continuation of the status quo. It works.

 

 

Someone understands it......good post...

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

I am pretty sure that there are quite a few good guys out there, who are in marriages which are not really great but care too much about their wives and kids to rock the boat. We have guys write here about marriages where they had to be happy with sex a couple of times a year for example, and yet they remained as devoted as ever to their marriage. Not happily but they did it.

 

At work I know some absolute bitches of women of whom I wonder how on earth they have found a husband. I have for example this female colleague who is constantly bragging, who imposes herself in conversations, who interrupts conversation and who I heard at one point yell to her husband on the phone that he was a f!cking idiot. But she is married and I think her husband is just a decent guy who likes to be married and have a family so he will put up with it.

 

I think that it is a lot more disturbing for a guy to break up his family. The decent ones will probably really suffer from the feeling of leaving their family.

 

Im not arguing with you, but.....

 

I'm struggling to find out how its "good" to feel totally unfulfilled and just give all up for the sake of a wife(who you are estranged from) and your kids, who you love dearly...

 

Is that all there is to being "good"....When does it become "his turn"??

 

Bolded is why its so difficult for most guys to pull that trigger...The feeling of failing to protect and provide outweigh his own happiness...Its a very painful internal struggle for many...

 

TFY

Edited February 9, 2015 by thefooloftheyear

[Quiet Storm]

I agree that a father's role as protector is very important. His presence alone deters predators, like pedophile coaches, priests or mom's new boyfriend. Pedophiles see kids without dads in the home as easy targets. An example of this is the Jerry Sandusky case. When a man leaves his home, he leaves a vacancy. Even if he is still involved in the child's life, he loses control over who has access to his kids. In the US 1 out of 6 kids will be sexually abused, so this is a valid concern for fathers and I don't blame them.