jimmy1968 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Ok, Here we go again. I'm picking up my daughter take her to ballot. My daughter was worried about going for her first time and wanted both of us to go. My ex and I decided to take here together and her car was in the shop and I agreed to give her a ride to the dealership to pick it up after. I show up go into my ex BPD's home and she is walking around totally naked. She stands right next to me and says "Don't you like to see me naked? And said she was looking for her bra." Now I have had intercourse with her recently and I should not have. My recent post talks about this. Then we get to the ballot class and she is acting like her crazy self, checking her phone every 2 second, talking super load. She tried to get me to buy our daughter a bunch of stuff she didn't need. Than I end up talking with her about how her dad is buying her a new car. Which he is also part of the problem as an enabler. And giving her a ride to pick up her car. Than as we are leaving she flirts with a father, opening her coat and adjusting her body toward him. She was not wearing a bra and you could see her breasts through the shirt. It made me jealous. It just sucks I have to be around her because we have a child together. I'm having obsesive thoughts about her. Who has she slept with, who is she going out with tonight. Why do I care? Does she still love me? The weird thing is she never did love me because she has BPD. But I'm realizing that she didn't and doesn't give a **** about me. I think shes trying to hang on to me so I don't meet someone new. I know when I meet someone they will be alot healthier than her and they will have conflicts. Or she will have conflicts with that person. She is already telling me the types of people I can date and not date. Which is bull. Please I need some advice!! I'm feeling really fragile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 How do I stop them, and detach? Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I read some of your other threads briefly, and for lack of a better phrase your ex sounds really messed up. Stop having sex with her. That is probably the #1 thing you should do. No good can come from that. Aside from that, can you possibly get full custody? Why is she walking around naked around your kids and you anyway? And then I saw the part that she breastfed your son til he was 8 and is breastfeeding your 6.5 year old daughter? She needs serious help, and it seems best for you and your kids of you could have custody of them more until your ex figures out how to straighten herself out. She's not going to straighten herself our if you're still having sex with her which is basically hanging onto a relationship (on both your parts) that doesn't sound in any way healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Wow, well she is a master manipulator for sure. Certainly none of anything that took place was coincidence, seems you know that too. You're going to have to help yourself out of this one. No more having sex with her. Establish boundaries and STICK to them as she is only going to make it her near goal in life to trampse all over those boundaries. There are lots of divorced parents who have little to do with one another, the two of you need to become just like this. Your daughter is going to have enough of an uphill battle as is having someone like your wife for a Mom so you need to be that one parent who shows her about respect of self and others and teachers her not to be a manipulated sucker...won't do you any good if you become that manipulated sucker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 I have decided to stop having sex with her. And she uses that to control me. I need to have very strict boundaries I know or I'll be walked all over. Breast feeding my daughter not sure what to do about that. Working on a plan for that. But my first step was to get her out of the house with no drama. And I did that really well. She was so mean to my biological children, she does better for my daughter because she sees her as an extension of herself. I know what I have to do. Its just hard. I'm scared. I've been abused by her for years and just starting to see the situation more clearly. Thanks so much for the words it helps me in the right direction. I was suffering from PTSD for a couple months after she left. Now I'm feeling stronger and planning next steps. I'm paying extremely high child support, bought peace. I'm going back to court to get it lowered and might ask for a custody eval also if she is still breast feeding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 I met alot a woman, I outgoing, good style, good job, funny, own my own home and have many appealing qualities. When I talk with woman I feel guilty like I'm doing something wrong. This woman from my yoga class asked me out this Friday. I find her very attractive. Was really excited. Now I'm feeling guilty about going with her and thought about canceling. My ex BPD has my brain in scrambles. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I met alot a woman, I outgoing, good style, good job, funny, own my own home and have many appealing qualities. When I talk with woman I feel guilty like I'm doing something wrong. This woman from my yoga class asked me out this Friday. I find her very attractive. Was really excited. Now I'm feeling guilty about going with her and thought about canceling. My ex BPD has my brain in scrambles. Ask your lawyer about custody and about maybe having your ex-wife examined by a shrink. She sounds seriously disturbed. And for sure, 100%, stop having sex with her. Don't even let her imagine you want to have sex with her. You should be nothing more than the father of your shared daughter, as far as she is concerned now. Not a friend, not a sex partner, etc... As far as other women...make sure you don't drag a woman into this mess, i.e if you are or might still sleep with the ex once in a while, and also expect to be manipulated by the ex once you do start dating. It is none of her concern who you date, or your business who she does. Good luck... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 My ex BPD has my brain in scrambles. Well... that is because you didn't enforce healthy boundaries and decided it would be better to dip your noodle and get it wet again, proving only that she will keep your brain in scrambles until you stop letting her. If she has BPD then she is not in a place where you both can get back together unless she gets help, judging by her naked episode she hasn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Your daughter needs one sane household where she can be the child. Make your home a place for her to feel safe and protected. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) I need very strict boundaries, she's calling me right now to checkup on Child. I can see her pattern and just deleted her message. She will see her tomorrow when I drop her off and than I'll leave. I'm really sick of talking about boundaries with her. She doesn't respect them or will listen to me. She is incapable of listening. So I will start my strict boundaries now. Actions speak louder than words. When I gave her divorce papers, she took it serious. All the other attempts to fix or get her to do anything doesn't work. I'm not gonna be nice about anything anymore. Just business. I want to show my daughter a healthier lifestyle. See a solid world. I also don't want to fall into the same sort of relationship with someone else like her. My therapist is helping me understand that. Edited February 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed name, let's not use identifying info Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 (edited) I need very strict boundaries, she's calling me right now to checkup on Child. I can see her pattern and just deleted her message. She will see her tomorrow when I drop her off and than I'll leave. I'm really sick of talking about boundaries with her. She doesn't respect them or will listen to me. She is incapable of listening. So I will start my strict boundaries now. Actions speak louder than words. When I gave her divorce papers, she took it serious. All the other attempts to fix or get her to do anything doesn't work. I'm not gonna be nice about anything anymore. Just business. I want to show my daughter a healthier lifestyle. See a solid world. I also don't want to fall into the same sort of relationship with someone else like her. My therapist is helping me understand that. That is wonderful. You will be giving your daughter a fighting chance and that is a really good start. There is no rule that says you must meet or go out with any women right now. You don't have an expiration date on your forehead. As you mentioned, you have many appealing qualities. Do you really think you're in the place to be with someone else right now? What about your judgement? How can that really be sound at the moment when your head is still spinning from the ex? Get yourself healthy again so you can have a whole heart to give to the next, actually deserving partner you meet. Strengthen your resolve as many times a day as you need. Make being a good father your first priority until you can see the forest through the trees again. Remember that your children (All of them) will learn from watching you. My Father got involved with a woman who sounds so much like your ex wife. I was an adult and their relationship was still absolutely maddening. Her manipulation really knew no end, it was HORRIBLE and I did not have to live with her. She was obsessive with my Dad - I mean she would literally "pop up" every place we were when we spent some time together. If we were going out to lunch she would show up all pouty and claim she needed to talk to him because x,y,z crisis just hit. It was AWFUL, I thought my Dad would never get out from under her. She was so manipulative and her poor kids...ugh life has not gone well for them. My Dad is thankfully about 8 years past her now but it was just hell. Edited February 8, 2015 by hoping2heal Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 It just sucks I have to be around her because we have a child together. No you don't. You have to see her for 15 seconds when you drop off or pick up your child and that can be done on the porch, no need to go in. If she wants to stand nude in her front yard, that's on her... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Sorry you went through that. Even not living with her sounds horrible. I'm hoping to be 8 years past my ex and happy like your dad. My Ex was very jealous of my relationship with my two boys, her step kids. She tried to break there bond. She wanted my oldest son to bond with her son and treated my other really bad. Calling him names, grabbing his arm, yelling at him, throwing tantrums. She would not let me spend alone time with them. It was really weird and I figured it out after she left. She was gone one day and I took my boys out to a movie and burgers. I had not done that for years. So sad. I still have the movie stubs. She had a fear of not being the center of attention along with many other thing. She was a living nightmare for me. I was so depressed by my isolation that I had planned on hanging myself in the garage. Never been suicidal. But I was in a bad place. I prayed and cried, prayed and cried. And than a friend was over and could see I was really depressed, she recommended this therapist. I called the therapist and my life changed for the better three years ago. I know what your dad was into. Sucks big time. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Sorry you went through that. Even not living with her sounds horrible. I'm hoping to be 8 years past my ex and happy like your dad. My Ex was very jealous of my relationship with my two boys, her step kids. She tried to break there bond. She wanted my oldest son to bond with her son and treated my other really bad. Calling him names, grabbing his arm, yelling at him, throwing tantrums. She would not let me spend alone time with them. It was really weird and I figured it out after she left. She was gone one day and I took my boys out to a movie and burgers. I had not done that for years. So sad. I still have the movie stubs. She had a fear of not being the center of attention along with many other thing. She was a living nightmare for me. I was so depressed by my isolation that I had planned on hanging myself in the garage. Never been suicidal. But I was in a bad place. I prayed and cried, prayed and cried. And than a friend was over and could see I was really depressed, she recommended this therapist. I called the therapist and my life changed for the better three years ago. I know what your dad was into. Sucks big time. OP, print off this post and keep it with you so that you can re-read it each time you start thinking about her, or every time that you know you have to have some kind of contact with her. When your head gets to spinning, I think it would be helpful to remember the truth. Also, the isolation sounds terrible and it could very well be that part of what is going on is that she is familiar. Change is hard, even when it is a change for the better. Keep those boundaries in place and seriously...make yourself read what you wrote every time you're having a moment of "weakness". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Dude. when she's breastfeeding kids that already have their second set of teeth, in other words 6 and 8 years old, if it was I would have my lawyer on the phone and having him go to court and getting those kids out of there. Does your lawyer and the court system know this? The woman is nuts and your kids are there. Now to make matters worse your screwing her still so your shooting yourself in the foot because if you make the claim that she's unbalanced, she's not unbalanced for you to have occasional sex with her. Zip your pants up and get your kids before more damage is caused. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Nice, I know. Never told anyone that story. Everyone thinks that because i have a sense of humour, help people all the time, smile, try to bring love and compassion to those around you. They think you don't feel pain or have the animal inside of you that does crazy things. Everyone does, but its nice to get wisdom from others. Maybe I'll heal alittle quicker. Thanks, I feel so good tonight. Your words have touch me deeply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Yeah your right. I did not have sex with her today. The universe is gonna open up to me and I'll find my soul mate. Than I can just sip coffee with her for the rest of my life. And enjoy she doesn't not throw 3 hour tantrums everyday because she will not have BPD!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I think for now you shouldn't get involved with anyone. You need to put yourself and your kids first, dating is only going to mess you up, you're so not ready on ALL levels. How old is the child your wife is breast feeding? Involve your parents. Ask them to either come with you when you pick up your kids, or even they can once in a while pick up your kids that way you won't have to see your wife as often. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I know, not much for me to offer someone right now. When I mean dating, it's just a casual dinner of coffee. I want to build a relationship around true friendship and intimacy. I will be very honest of where I am in my life. My kids are my first job. My daughter is 6.5. She feels shame about the breast feeding. I feel sorry for her. She tries to hide it and feels embarassed. She has asked me not to talk about it around her friends. I wouldn't ever, but she still is concerned. I need to get strong with myself, than move to the next phases of taking her to court for custody. Not sure how that will work, but I'll call my lawyer next week. I planned on going back to court when I first talked to the lawyer but have gotten side tracked. She has only been gone 8 months. I'm starting to heal from it and getting my strength for round 2. I was trying to minimize the conflict for my kids, Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Something to think about...How would a pregnancy muck things up right now ?" When I got divorced the first thing my attorney mentioned to me was if for whatever reason we had sex to make sure to wear a condom, many people will use a pregnancy as a method to stop the divorce and it also complicates the divorce even more. IMO.. you should stop the sex and enforce healthy boundaries.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Your right. It has felt like a warm blanket. Change is hard. But I'm gonna do it, change. I just reread my post. It helps to know the truth. For some reason the truth gets watered down, and I forget. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I met alot a woman, I outgoing, good style, good job, funny, own my own home and have many appealing qualities. When I talk with woman I feel guilty like I'm doing something wrong. This woman from my yoga class asked me out this Friday. I find her very attractive. Was really excited. Now I'm feeling guilty about going with her and thought about canceling. My ex BPD has my brain in scrambles. your brain, your responsibility - but she gets to you huh? you do not even want the date this friday hey, you slept with her and now she greets you nude, i do not think either of you want out, not yet, not really 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 Pregnant When she we found out my daughter was on the way, which I told her I wanted no more kids. I found out through her friends that she had planned it from the beginning that she would get pregnant. I'd just have to deal with it and she knew I'd pay her lots of child support if it didn't work. I found that out when my daughter was three. Ex admitted to it fully and laughed about it. Now I love my daughter very, very much. I knew that the marriage was gonna end when I found that out. My trust was really broken. She laughed about it and told me to deal with it. I was super, super depressed when I found that out and started seeing a therapist. That's how my daughter actually helped me. I love her so much and if she had not come into this world my life path would probally be in the same messed up pattern, Month after starting therapy I went and had a vasectomy. So if she gets prego that her problem. I would feel back for my daughter though. But maybe the breastfeeding would stop, Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 "vasectomy"....^5 Thanks for your reply.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jimmy1968 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I want out. That's why I'm here. And your right. It's my brain and my responiblity, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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