My covert narcissistic ex is treating his new gf better than me

[lovesickgirl]

I dated my ex for two years, in that time he was very manipulative abusive and narcissistic. He had a tendency to always put me down even at the end. I found out a month later that he had been cheating on me with other girls. He likes to play victim as though nothing is his fault, he's shy and quiet but very manipulative.

 

Within one month of breaking up he already had a new girl, Who he now flaunts and shows off and I think they moved in together recently. (We never lived together) he would never post pictures of us and our relation (not to sound juvenile) but with her has been posting on Instagram saying my beautiful girlfriend etc etc.

 

I guess I'm wondering why I was so abused and now she is reaping all the benefits of his sweetness. What did I do wrong to deserve this? I don't want him back but it's hard to see him happy with someone else

 

Do you think he has changed or will he begin to crack? He so desperately wanted to be a part of this group of friends that he gaslighted everyone to their needs, now he's dating a girl in that group, he thinks he's in like Flynn.

 

It's rather sick and pathetic to watch but I at one point fell for this sick pathetic jerk. I need help. Maybe someone who has been in my position before? How can I move on from a narcissistic relation?

[towardthefuture]

Well I'd say you should stop 'watching'. Write it all off as one big trainwreck and tell yourself in the morning you love yourself, you love yourself, too much to be torturing yourself over some prick.

[mightycpa]

My covert narcissistic ex is treating his new gf better than me

 

two words: so far

[dumbass2]

"What did I do wrong to deserve this?"

 

You did nothing wrong other than maybe you had him on a pedestal and put up with too much and he knew he could get away with things from you, but learn from that and move forward.

"How can I move on from a narcissistic relation?"

 

I'm dealing with that now with my ex girlfriend that broke up with me and came back. I wasn't totally sure she was a narcissist, but since we have been back in contact after 5 months away, I am totally convinced and now I'm getting the silent treatment/discarding, because I have not let her take control and I have not given in to her advances (which surprisingly wasn't difficult even though we were very physical). I read up a lot on narcissists and the best thing to do now is to go NC for yourself. There is no other way if you are sure that he is one and even if he's not, you still must do it. He will not change. He may come back and use you if you allow it and that's all it will be despite what he might say. You are going to have to try and just forget and not worry about anything he is doing. Stay away from all social media and block him on your phone and email. Truly, if you have read up on this, it is the ONLY way when dealing with this type of person and you do not want this person coming in contact with you months down the road when he needs you for his supply.

[BC1980]

First, stop watching a blow by blow of your ex's life. I get the appeal, and we've all done it to some extent. I get that you're curious because anyone would be. But. . . . you gotta stop it now. It's a waste of energy, and social media is not real life. Social media is usually representative of the life people want to project. It's completely taking away from the positive things you could be doing in your life when you snoop on social media. When I found out my ex was engaged, I did one round of snooping to satisfy my curiosity. Then, I blocked his new woman on FB and let that be that. I'm much further removed from my breakup than you, but I still don't want to run the risk of seeing this person on social media because we have several mutual friends. Why get sucked into that waste of time?

 

Two, you don't know that he's treating her better, and he probably isn't. People don't usually change, especially an abuser. Unless he underwent therapy and had a major revelation about life, he hasn't changed. My ex had strong narcissistic characteristics and was emotionally abusive to me, so I don't really think his new girl is getting any better. I really don't care either way, but he's no prize for anyone. I'm sure he's pulling the same abusive cr@p on her that he did on me. I'm more concerned about YOU changing. You need to start trying to understand why you were in an abusive relationship and start changing. Unlike him, you do have the capacity to actually change is you want to, but we all know people who don't change. What are you going to do to change? What steps are you taking to rebuild your life and avoid an abusive relationship in the future?

Edited February 8, 2015 by BC1980

[Honeybunnies]

Please do not waste your time dwelling on this. Is he thinking about you? Most likely not. He doesn't care, so why should you? He treated you poorly, so let him go. Be the better person and take care of yourself the way you deserve to be taken care of.

 

My ex boyfriend completely left me, even after saying he wanted to be friends. Meanwhile, he would stay in contact with other ex-girlfriends who had cheated on him. I asked myself, why does he treat these girls better??

 

The sooner I stopped thinking about him, the better off I became.

 

Do not let this guy's "happiness" affect you, do not give him that privilege.

[FancyFace]

Honey, a narc is like a leopard, they never ever ever ever change their spots. Never! Ever! Never!

 

You have to remember that they are master manipulators, empty shells and chameleons that take on the shape and colour of their environment. If you think back to your relationship, in the beginning he seemed like your knight in shining armour, your dream come true and you guys seemed to have so much in common right? That all turned out to be a lie and whatever you are seeing with this new girl is an absolute lie. He may seem like a wonderful boyfriend now but as with anyone with pathology issues, his mask will eventually slip and he will reveal his nasty ugly self soon enough.

 

Narcs are users, you even said that he wanted to get in with a group of people and is now with this girl. What kind of relationship is that exactly? Plus he is probably triangulating you and trying to make you jealous and crazy by showing off his new toy. How pathetic of him. Don't fall for the hype.

 

What you now need to do is STOP CHECKING UP ON HIM. Easier said than done I know but it is not healthy for you to know what is going on in his life. You have to make a decision to take the reigns of your life back and the only way you can do that is by taking the focus off of him and putting it back where it belongs, which is with you. You really need to go NC, that is the only way you will heal from this. Block, delete, change numbers and more than anything stop checking up. You might think it is harmless but what it does it reaffirm the trauma bonds that kept you tied to your narc.

 

You can't see it now (I couldnt see it when I got dumped by a narc almost 3 months ago) but you dodged a bullet, if not a missile. Narc's are incapable of love. They dont love themselves, so how do you expect them to love you or anybody for that matter? Thats like asking a naked man for clothes. You will recover, you will get over this, but you have to do the work, and that begins with proper NC.

 

Good luck OP. Sending you love and light.

[BC1980]

I need help. Maybe someone who has been in my position before? How can I move on from a narcissistic relation?

 

If you really did suffer narcissistic abuse (and I believe you if you say you did), then you probably need therapy. It took me a year of NC and rebuilding my life to get to a point where I felt that I could begin to move on. That's how bad it was for me. That's how bad the abuse affected me. I was very traumatized by my relationship with my ex, and it was only with the support of family and friends (including people on LS) that I was able to move past it. I did a lot of soul searching, read a lot of books, completely changed my life, probably should have gone to therapy, and completely blocked him out of my life 100%.

[organizedchaos]

I dated my ex for two years, in that time he was very manipulative abusive and narcissistic. He had a tendency to always put me down even at the end. I found out a month later that he had been cheating on me with other girls. He likes to play victim as though nothing is his fault, he's shy and quiet but very manipulative.

 

Within one month of breaking up he already had a new girl, Who he now flaunts and shows off and I think they moved in together recently. (We never lived together) he would never post pictures of us and our relation (not to sound juvenile) but with her has been posting on Instagram saying my beautiful girlfriend etc etc.

 

I guess I'm wondering why I was so abused and now she is reaping all the benefits of his sweetness. What did I do wrong to deserve this? I don't want him back but it's hard to see him happy with someone else

 

Do you think he has changed or will he begin to crack? He so desperately wanted to be a part of this group of friends that he gaslighted everyone to their needs, now he's dating a girl in that group, he thinks he's in like Flynn.

 

It's rather sick and pathetic to watch but I at one point fell for this sick pathetic jerk. I need help. Maybe someone who has been in my position before? How can I move on from a narcissistic relation?

 

Stop stalking his social media and go complete no contact. That's how.

[beach]

How else would a narcissist real in a new and willing victim? They are true manipulators.

 

 

You were his victim for too long - so don't keep signing up for it now that he's gone. Get busy being happy.

[lovesickgirl]

I have successfully deleted and blocked all contact with him.

 

Instagram is really the only way I could see anything and I've been sick in bed last few days. Guess curiosity got the best of me.

 

I believe I will sign up for therapy because his mental and sometimes psychically abuse has destroyed my soul. He lacks empathy and it scares me when I see how shallow he talks towards me like I am chopped liver.

 

Seeing happy with his new girl and having her at one point say to me "I'm the new and improved gf" broke me.

 

I defiantly stayed way to long in my relation with him but I became codependent on him. I felt like a user needing drugs. Not once in any of my other relations have I've gone completely insane the way I have with him.

 

One example is when my grandfather died (who meant the world to me) I called to tell him I needed his support and wanted to see him that night, his response " get over it, everybody dies, everybody dies alone, something you need to grasp. I don't want to see you crying like this so stay home with your family"

Few months later still with him his friend passes away in a car accident. He wants my full support, bawling his eyes out. I said remember what you said to me when my papa died? He said "he was old and you knew he was going to die anyway. This is different"

 

I'm sorry but who the **** says that to their partner????

There's much more mentally ****ed things he did to me but I'm having a hard time coping with my shattered pieces while he lives a seemly normal life.

[CC12]

I'm having a hard time coping with my shattered pieces while he lives a seemly normal life.

 

He's not living a normal life, and he never will unless he chooses to get help for his issues. And I was going to tell you that you should feel pity for her because eventually, she'll go through exactly the same things as you did with him, but then I read that she said to you, "I'm the new and improved gf" and I can't think of a single scenario where it would have been appropriate of her to say that. So **** her, and **** him. They're both trash.

[stellamaria]

Aww OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

For one thing, the new girlfriend sounds a right catch. Speaking to you like that just shows her for what she is. She obviously has a low self esteem too and is getting an illusory ego boost from him. She will probably be too strong a character for him, and she'll see what he is very soon.

 

For the second thing, he hasn't changed. If he can get away with it, he'll treat her exactly the same. If he can't, he'll either leave her, or he'll push her to leave him. Remember how he was with you in the beginning? That's him now with her. Charming and seemingly emotionally intelligent, a good listener, kind and courteous. It's all an act.

 

The showing her off on social media is probably to get at you.

 

I've just left a narcissistic AP/friend of many years/screwed up relationship and I know what you're going through.

 

If all narcs are the same - they are incapable of loving anyone or caring for them. They need constant ego stroking, so if you don't do that, you're gone, and even if you do, they need ego strokes from other people. My ex-AP dumped me in a romantic sense but claimed he wanted to be best friends. He has no other friends, because he says he hates everyone, so I'd think "why me". Why me is only that I'm the only person he hasn't sent away completely over years. Even his parents refuse to associate with him.

 

He moved on from me to my friend in hours. He sent us both an email telling me he wasn't physically or mentally attracted to me and he knows it hurts but he really likes my friend. WTF? My friend thinks he's a loser weirdo, as does anyone that I know IRL. When she told him she wasn't interested he wouldn't even believe it, he believed I was sabotaging them, and accused me of treating him like a possession and being capable of ruining his future happiness. This is the guy that has been single for 10 years, while I have been with the same guy for the last 6, and with another for 3 before that. They are totally deluded and nothing you can say will convince them of the truth.

 

Block him and go NC. He will come crawling back in the end. He needs his ego stroking, and you've done that; he'll try. Ignore him when it happens though.

[GemmaUK]

He might be treating her nicely now but it won't last.

 

 

He is a narc. Narc's have to feel great and they need narcissistic supply to feel great.

His new gf is currently fulfilling that as she hasn't yet seen his toddler side.

You know exactly what I mean by toddler side btw. I don't even need to explain it.

 

 

She has moved in fast - this will be his doing, it's a fantastic alienation tactic for getting her further away emotionally and physically from her friends and family.

I've no doubt by now that she has experienced some of his narc behaviour but as yet she can't see what it is as he is such a charmer.

 

 

You are seeing the charming side just like everyone else just now.

This guy adores his new gf and things are better than amazing.

Do you really believe that?

 

 

There are 5 reasons for narcs to date:

Sex

Care, attention & support

Money

Drama

Appearances

 

 

He is motivated by appearances I would say going by the photos he is posting.

What it means is: He wants to feel fabulous about himself and wants to get feedback from the larger society. If he can look like a great guy and look like he is bonded with a great person that in turn makes him look like a great person.

He doesn't actually care about being a great person, just looking like one.

 

 

That comment about when your papa passed away is classic. It shows he is also motivated by care, attention and support. Note that this is one sided and for him, he sees no need to give you support. It's only ever about him.

He also will expect to receive praise for accomplishments but will either put down or just ignore the accomplishments of his partner because they are not relevant to making him feel great.

 

 

I got away from my last ex almost 2 years ago and have read a lot on the subject since.

Like I was, you are kinda holding on to annoyances and trying to make sense of them.

You will go round and round in circles trying to do that. I know, I did.

 

 

I finally, just read a book by Alexandra Nouri titled Toads and the Women who Kiss Them. It's a light hearted read and makes so much sense of what I went through.

I no longer have questions, absolutely every weird thing he said and did is explainable.

 

 

I'm glad you have blocked him everywhere. Don't ever look back.

I would totally recommend you get that book though. You will see him in there I promise.

 

 

PS. If you need to rant about all of those little things he said and did feel free to mail me. I might be able to help.

[Radu]

I dated my ex for two years, in that time he was very manipulative abusive and narcissistic. He had a tendency to always put me down even at the end. I found out a month later that he had been cheating on me with other girls. He likes to play victim as though nothing is his fault, he's shy and quiet but very manipulative.

 

Within one month of breaking up he already had a new girl, Who he now flaunts and shows off and I think they moved in together recently. (We never lived together) he would never post pictures of us and our relation (not to sound juvenile) but with her has been posting on Instagram saying my beautiful girlfriend etc etc.

 

I guess I'm wondering why I was so abused and now she is reaping all the benefits of his sweetness. What did I do wrong to deserve this? I don't want him back but it's hard to see him happy with someone else

 

Do you think he has changed or will he begin to crack? He so desperately wanted to be a part of this group of friends that he gaslighted everyone to their needs, now he's dating a girl in that group, he thinks he's in like Flynn.

 

It's rather sick and pathetic to watch but I at one point fell for this sick pathetic jerk. I need help. Maybe someone who has been in my position before? How can I move on from a narcissistic relation?

 

He will never change.

 

This new girl probably needs more to commit ... probably a tad higher self-esteem but don't worry ... he will destroy her.

[organizedchaos]

I have successfully deleted and blocked all contact with him.

 

Instagram is really the only way I could see anything and I've been sick in bed last few days. Guess curiosity got the best of me.

 

I believe I will sign up for therapy because his mental and sometimes psychically abuse has destroyed my soul. He lacks empathy and it scares me when I see how shallow he talks towards me like I am chopped liver.

 

Seeing happy with his new girl and having her at one point say to me "I'm the new and improved gf" broke me.

 

I defiantly stayed way to long in my relation with him but I became codependent on him. I felt like a user needing drugs. Not once in any of my other relations have I've gone completely insane the way I have with him.

 

One example is when my grandfather died (who meant the world to me) I called to tell him I needed his support and wanted to see him that night, his response " get over it, everybody dies, everybody dies alone, something you need to grasp. I don't want to see you crying like this so stay home with your family"

Few months later still with him his friend passes away in a car accident. He wants my full support, bawling his eyes out. I said remember what you said to me when my papa died? He said "he was old and you knew he was going to die anyway. This is different"

 

I'm sorry but who the **** says that to their partner????

There's much more mentally ****ed things he did to me but I'm having a hard time coping with my shattered pieces while he lives a seemly normal life.

 

In what situation did you actually speak to his new gf???

[lovesickgirl]

My ex had the nerve while securing a relation with her to feed me lies that they were only friends, nothing is happening, he's still healing bs bs bs

 

We made an agreement for the healing process that if one person wanted to go see a show at the club we would let each other know so one may either A. Not go b. Be warned.

 

I told him I wanted to go to a show with my girls and not be bothered by him and he agreed. I said whatever you do don't bring brittany as your date. He said funny, cause were definitely not seeing each other.

JOKES he brings her to the club as his date and flaunts her in front of me. She had the nerve to walk up and introduce herself. At first she was friendly then she turned bitter once I caught on what she was REALLY doing there. Safe to say he had been seeing her the whole time behind my back.

 

I cancelled going on our Bahamas cruise that our group 60+ people were going to including her. He told me up and down and swore it was innocent and he's going to hang with the bros nothing more. He calls me when he's back from his trip and tells me this story about how he felt like an outcast cause of me, spent time in his cabin crying and didn't have a good time. Said the girl had no interest in him, wouldn't dance with him either. I bought it for awhile until he made his FB relation official with her 2 weeks later!!! Said I lied, her and I made it official on the ship. Sorry.

 

All the photos he's posting are from the cruise. Breaks my heart....since him and I met her last year on the same cruise while we were dating.

Edited February 8, 2015 by lovesickgirl

[elaine567]

Watch -

Explains a lot.

His new gf should watch this too.

Short video 2.5 mins.

[lovesickgirl]

My ex displays all the classic signs of a narc

 

- triangulation - keeping old ex's around

- nothing is EVER his fault. I ruined all vacations, holidays or important events

- convincing me he didn't verbally or physically abuse me and I'm putting words in his mouth

- made me alienate ALL my friends till I had none, then would get mad that I didn't go hang with my friends

- would go MIA without warning days to weeks at a time with no explanation other than "I need space"

- if I had a job promotion of some great life event happen he was never happy about me and would direct the convo onto his success.

- constantly pointed out how dependent I became on him

- if I needed his support he was no where to be found but when he needed me I better be there or else!

- constantly made me look crazy and played the victim card in front of our friends or peers

- dumped me before every holiday so he wouldn't have to spend it with me cause he knew how much it would mean to bond.

 

The list goes on but I know what I'm dealing with is a covert or cerebral narcissist

[elaine567]

My ex displays all the classic signs of a narc

 

- triangulation - keeping old ex's around

- nothing is EVER his fault. I ruined all vacations, holidays or important events

- convincing me he didn't verbally or physically abuse me and I'm putting owed a in his mouth

- made me alienate ALL my friends till I had none, then would get mad that I didn't go hang with my friends

- would go MIA without warning days to weeks at a time with no explanation other than "I need space"

- if I had a job promotion of some great life event happen he was never happy about me and would direct the convo onto his success.

- constantly pointed out how dependent I became on him

- if I needed his support he was no where to be found but when he needed me I better be there or else!

- constantly made me look crazy and played the victim card in front of our friends or peers

 

The list goes on but I know what I'm dealing with is a covert or cerebral narcissist

 

Yes, but what you need to get into your head is, that he has moved on, THANK GOD, and you don't have to deal with him any longer.

Concentrate on YOU and only YOU now.

[lovesickgirl]

I live in a small city I can't leave. When we met he had no friends and I had LOTS of friends. The roles switched. Now everyone wants to hang and invite him out and in stuck at home wondering wtf?

 

He literally made me look like the crazy ex to EVERYone I know.

 

I'm stuck in a rut watching him get what he wants and being happy

[BC1980]

Yes, but what you need to get into your head is, that he has moved on, THANK GOD, and you don't have to deal with him any longer.

Concentrate on YOU and only YOU now.

 

Exactly this^^^ We can sit around and swap horror stories all day long about our exes, but all that does is keep you emotionally connected to it. It makes him relevant, and I assure you that he does not need to be relevant in any way.

[BC1980]

I live in a small city I can't leave. When we met he had no friends and I had LOTS of friends. The roles switched. Now everyone wants to hang and invite him out and in stuck at home wondering wtf?

 

He literally made me look like the crazy ex to EVERYone I know.

 

I'm stuck in a rut watching him get what he wants and being happy

 

Most people are going take what is said about an ex with a grain of salt. They know he has all the motivation in the world to lie about you, so I would concentrate on being the best you can be. That person will shine through. My ex and I have a lot of mutual acquaintances and friends because we work together. One thing I never did was go around badmouthing him to people at work. I simply let his actions tell the tale, and people can think what they want. The truth is that most people don't care anyway because they are absorbed in their own worlds.

[lovesickgirl]

A good example is my ex wanted to go to coachella alone and told me to stay home while he "bro-ed out"

 

When he got back he told me what a horrible time he had because he got heat stroke and every one abandoned him at the medical tent. Said he spent the festival alone...

 

When talking to the Friends who took him they said they were surprised by that story because they took him to the medical tent and spent the entire festival making sure he was okay!!

 

He's quiet the master manipulator when it comes to playing victim.

 

Another odd story, one of the main friends in the group he completely idolizes. Will bow down and do ever he says, basically wants to be him. A year ago he got a tattoo of a heart on his bicep (heart on my sleeve) my ex said cool tattoo I really like it! Acknowledging the fact that he had that tat. Two weeks ago my ex got the same tattoo in the same spot on the same arm?????? Saying "I wear my heart on my sleeve"

 

Yet this group of friends still keep him around? I was thoroughly creeped by this.

Edited February 8, 2015 by lovesickgirl

[BC1980]

A good example is my ex wanted to go to coachella alone and told me to stay home while he "bro-ed out"

 

When he got back he told me what a horrible time he had because he got heat stroke and every one abandoned him at the medical tent. Said he spent the festival alone...

 

When talking to the Friends who took him they said they were surprised by that story because they took him to the medical tent and spent the entire festival making sure he was okay!!

 

He's quiet the master manipulator when it comes to playing victim.

 

Another odd story, one of the main friends in the group he completely idolizes. Will bow down and do ever he says, basically wants to be him. A year ago he got a tattoo of a heart on his bicep (heart on my sleeve) my ex said cool tattoo I really like it! Acknowledging the fact that he had that tat. Two weeks ago my ex got the same tattoo in the same spot on the same arm?????? Saying "I wear my heart on my sleeve"

 

Yet this group of friends still keep him around? I was thoroughly creeped by this.

 

If you need to, make a list of all the cr@p he did. Whenever you feel bad, like you are missing out on something, idealizing the relationship, pull out the list, and read it.