My covert narcissistic ex is treating his new gf better than me

[dumbass2]

BC1980 is right. Make a list of all the crap and keep reading up on the narcissist. It is not you. He is making you feel worthless and you are not. You care and can love and he cannot and never will. You are the worthwhile one here. Move on from this piece of crap. Get made, get angry, whatever helps. There is nothing else you can do, just make sure he is deleted and blocked everywhere so he can't lure you in at a time of weakness. you know he feeds on supply and if you don't give it him, he will go away. Maybe seeing a therapist might help you, it wont hurt, but the sooner you get him and the situation out of your mind, the better.

 

Be strong, you can do it!

[stillafool]

I live in a small city I can't leave. When we met he had no friends and I had LOTS of friends. The roles switched. Now everyone wants to hang and invite him out and in stuck at home wondering wtf?

 

He literally made me look like the crazy ex to EVERYone I know.

 

I'm stuck in a rut watching him get what he wants and being happy

 

Well if these friends would drop their friendship with you to hang with him they weren't really your friends anyway. Make new friends. I live in a small town also and it can be done. Whatever you do, do not listen to any information from anyone about him. You don't need to know what he and his new gf are up to as it just sets you back. Move forward.

[lovesickgirl]

He might be treating her nicely now but it won't last.

 

 

He is a narc. Narc's have to feel great and they need narcissistic supply to feel great.

His new gf is currently fulfilling that as she hasn't yet seen his toddler side.

You know exactly what I mean by toddler side btw. I don't even need to explain it.

 

 

She has moved in fast - this will be his doing, it's a fantastic alienation tactic for getting her further away emotionally and physically from her friends and family.

I've no doubt by now that she has experienced some of his narc behaviour but as yet she can't see what it is as he is such a charmer.

 

 

You are seeing the charming side just like everyone else just now.

This guy adores his new gf and things are better than amazing.

Do you really believe that?

 

 

There are 5 reasons for narcs to date:

Sex

Care, attention & support

Money

Drama

Appearances

 

 

He is motivated by appearances I would say going by the photos he is posting.

What it means is: He wants to feel fabulous about himself and wants to get feedback from the larger society. If he can look like a great guy and look like he is bonded with a great person that in turn makes him look like a great person.

He doesn't actually care about being a great person, just looking like one.

 

 

That comment about when your papa passed away is classic. It shows he is also motivated by care, attention and support. Note that this is one sided and for him, he sees no need to give you support. It's only ever about him.

He also will expect to receive praise for accomplishments but will either put down or just ignore the accomplishments of his partner because they are not relevant to making him feel great.

 

 

I got away from my last ex almost 2 years ago and have read a lot on the subject since.

Like I was, you are kinda holding on to annoyances and trying to make sense of them.

You will go round and round in circles trying to do that. I know, I did.

 

 

I finally, just read a book by Alexandra Nouri titled Toads and the Women who Kiss Them. It's a light hearted read and makes so much sense of what I went through.

I no longer have questions, absolutely every weird thing he said and did is explainable.

 

 

I'm glad you have blocked him everywhere. Don't ever look back.

I would totally recommend you get that book though. You will see him in there I promise.

 

 

PS. If you need to rant about all of those little things he said and did feel free to mail me. I might be able to help.

 

 

I would love to chat. Please email me on here cause I don't have chat on this website and this is my junk email anyway!

 

[email protected]

[Elle1975]

I see three things.

 

-1 "for now", if he's a narcissist, he's setting up the trap; treats her well, makes her care, then will show his true face.

 

-2 Lets say he's not a narcissist. Have you thought that maybe you allowed his behavior? I know it's not a nice thing to say, but I know that sometimes I have been treated badly because.. I allowed it. I shouldn't have.

 

-3 Stay away from his facebook, twiter, etc..

[amaysngrace]

Jeez...so how did he ever treat you nicely? What is there to miss about him exactly?

 

I'd be glad he's not my problem anymore personally. He sounds like a big loser of a boyfriend.

[candie13]

so... that girl actually moved in with him after one month of officially dating her? Man, she sure has strong barriers .

 

And he came with her and paraded her in front of you and she agreed? And you are jealous of that ? If anything, it only shows that he didn't move in with you because he know he could not manipulate you like he manipulates her. She must be like pudding in his hands.

 

poor woman. really, poor woman. Don't envy her. Don't envy their happiness. Just sit back and watch. Bring the popcorn too. Remember, it is time and patience that make genius.

[ggas]

I feel for you really. Dating a narc is like eating heroin for breakfast. I dated this girl for an entire year. We lived together. We had a very healthy relationship. I had my own friends doin my own things also doing things together, traveling a lot. She told me once about her ex that was very manipulative, very critical, every argument with him was huuuge and he would disappear for days. Eventualy she had to move to my city with her job. Here she hit off with me and we really had an amazing relationship good attraction/no boredom/independence until he reapeared in her life. She replaced me in DAYS literaly. He s not even in the same country although she probably will arrange for him to come here. It kills me to know that he might have changed and now he gets the benefits of my healthy relationship with her. Did he actualy change? I don t know. Now what I tell you is this. My ex never got over her narc because she kept him in her life and she would always fall back to him after everyone of her rebounds just because her narc would come back. that s happened at least 2 times. Including after me with whom she said she wanted babies and so on and so forth. so I would advise you to completely but COMPLETELY CUT HIM OFF. For me, i don't know if i should cut my ex off or not. She s not a narc but like the op she s hung up on a narc. P

[lovesickgirl]

I just need to vent. Don't know where else to turn to...

 

 

My friend ran into my ex and his new girl.

Turns out he's taking her to Europe next month on a yacht.

 

I'm devastated.

I'm pretty sure he's changed? I don't understand. These were all the things I wanted to do in our relation he deprived me of then turns and gives it all to her!

 

Maybe he's not a narc? Maybe there's something wrong with me?

 

I feel so lost ;(

[elaine567]

Listen to what other posters are telling you. Read about toxic relationships on line, read about emotional abuse.

Watch youtube videos, there are plenty around.

Making the victim question their own sanity and blame themselves, is actually par for the course.

There are many different types of emotional abuse.

Read the book -

Living with the dominator - Pat Craven

 

As for his new gf

Love bombing

Red flags of a psychopath |

[lovesickgirl]

Does anyone have private Messenger on here?

 

I want gemmaUk to have my email ....

 

Can someone send her the message for me?

 

[email protected]

[BC1980]

I just need to vent. Don't know where else to turn to...

 

 

My friend ran into my ex and his new girl.

Turns out he's taking her to Europe next month on a yacht.

 

I'm devastated.

I'm pretty sure he's changed? I don't understand. These were all the things I wanted to do in our relation he deprived me of then turns and gives it all to her!

 

Maybe he's not a narc? Maybe there's something wrong with me?

 

I feel so lost ;(

 

It's not you. You have to get out of that mindset. There is nothing wrong with you that made him leave. Who cares if he is a narc? He clearly mistreated you, and we can all agree on that based on what you've posted. Who cares what the label is? Tell your friend to stop relaying information to you about him.

[Invictus01]

If you think you were dating a narc, you need to educate yourself on how they operate. He is currently love bombing the crap out his new target. That's the normal cycle - idolize--->devalue--->discard. If the dude is a narc, the new girl will be on here in a few months, posting the same thing you just posted. But I know why you are so broken about it. During the idolization phase, they put you up so high in the air, that the discard feels like somebody slams you 10 feet through the ground.

 

Read up on all this, it will really help.

[lovesickgirl]

I have, this has been my fav article so far. This is where I discovered he was a narc. Everything in this article hit the nail on the head about my relation with him...

When we met I was so independent, I lived in a penthouse, I made more money than him, he liked what a strong woman I was. Slowly he broke me down told me I was dependent, a loser, stupid, a terrible gf etc. I ended up loosing my high paying job and had to leave me apt. I asked to move in with him till I got on my feet and he said no! Said I need to learn what it means to rely on myself bs. Constantly made me cry and feel patentic and eventually left me. Told me he liked his new girl cause she was independent and had her head on her shoulders and made him want to be a better man, something I apparently never did for him.

 

Almost 4 months have passed and I still feel all his abusive words and deep down feel worthless, like I failed at life and I'm stuck drowning. Literally feel like I'm drowning while he reaps all the benefits of being happy in his new and improved relation.

 

 

The Three Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Over-Evaluation, Devaluation, Discard - Esteemology

[Invictus01]

I have, this has been my fav article so far. This is where I discovered he was a narc. Everything in this article hit the nail on the head about my relation with him...

When we met I was so independent, I lived in a penthouse, I made more money than him, he liked what a strong woman I was. Slowly he broke me down told me I was dependent, a loser, stupid, a terrible gf etc. I ended up loosing my high paying job and had to leave me apt. I asked to move in with him till I got on my feet and he said no! Said I need to learn what it means to rely on myself bs. Constantly made me cry and feel patentic and eventually left me. Told me he liked his new girl cause she was independent and had her head on her shoulders and made him want to be a better man, something I apparently never did for him.

 

Almost 4 months have passed and I still feel all his abusive words and deep down feel worthless, like I failed at life and I'm stuck drowning. Literally feel like I'm drowning while he reaps all the benefits of being happy in his new and improved relation.

 

 

The Three Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Over-Evaluation, Devaluation, Discard - Esteemology

 

It isn't a new and improved relationship. It is new... it will end the same. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just go complete NC, that's the only way out of this.

[BC1980]

I have, this has been my fav article so far. This is where I discovered he was a narc. Everything in this article hit the nail on the head about my relation with him...

When we met I was so independent, I lived in a penthouse, I made more money than him, he liked what a strong woman I was. Slowly he broke me down told me I was dependent, a loser, stupid, a terrible gf etc. I ended up loosing my high paying job and had to leave me apt. I asked to move in with him till I got on my feet and he said no! Said I need to learn what it means to rely on myself bs. Constantly made me cry and feel patentic and eventually left me. Told me he liked his new girl cause she was independent and had her head on her shoulders and made him want to be a better man, something I apparently never did for him.

 

Almost 4 months have passed and I still feel all his abusive words and deep down feel worthless, like I failed at life and I'm stuck drowning. Literally feel like I'm drowning while he reaps all the benefits of being happy in his new and improved relation.

 

 

The Three Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Over-Evaluation, Devaluation, Discard - Esteemology

 

It is very difficult to get out of an abusive relationship where the other person devalued you. With my ex, I was constantly minimized, devalued, made fun of, and, overall, he made me feel that there was something inherently wrong with me. It was so bad that I felt I couldn't even voice an opinion on liking certain songs or TV shows. I was literally scared he would leave if he deemed what I liked inappropriate. I walked on egg shells, always scared of saying or doing something that would garner his disapproval, and it could be something as small as what type of drink I ordered when we went out to eat. I was scared he would leave me if I stepped one toe out of line.

 

He broke my spirit so badly that I was a shell when it was over. I didn't know who I was anymore, and I had long since given up having an opinion. That's not love. No one needs or deserves to put up with that. The problem is that your ex probably distorted your sense of reality to the point where you really think you are no good.

 

Forget about his relationship with the other girl. Why do you think he will treat her differently? He won't. We don't know her motive for staying, but remember that you also stayed. So we know he can be convincing in some way. My ex has a new fiance, and I could care less. If she wants to sign up for that treatment, I will leave them to it. I've gotten to the point where I'm glad it's not me with him.

[lovesickgirl]

Updates **

 

My good girl friend who is mutual friends with some of my ex's friends threw a big valentines party at her beach house. We took photos together during the party and posted them on IG. I find it awkward and weird that my ex liked the photos and commented "have fun you guys" plus his new girl commented on a different photo (without me in it) saying "we have to hang out sometime and get drinks!" To my girl, who clearly is my close friend?! I'm so confused by both of their gestures. My friend reassured me she was not going to hang with her.

 

At the party a group (4 friends of my ex) pulled me into a room to tell me

 

"your boy is a ****ing player and a liar. We didn't realize how much he ****ed you over. He talked so much **** on you and his stories never made sense and now we know the real truth. **** that, he lied to us even about you! We took your side and stood up for you cause of it! It's only a matter of time before he cheats on his new gf ! "

 

The best part was the fact they said the way he discarded you without any empathy of constantly cheating on you we all took as a sign that there's something wrong with him

 

I couldn't believe they had told me this, definitely made me feel better about the situation. Even his best friend was at the party who for awhile we were on VERY bad terms and we actually spent a lot of time hanging out being nice, didn't mention my ex once.

[KatZee]

You're lucky that you had people see how twisted he really is.

 

I believe that I too was dating a narcissist, and in my case, his friends/family still thinks he's God's gift to the planet and I'm the piece of s.hit.

 

The whole Over Evaluation, Devaluation, Discard was pretty much my relationship to a T.

 

I was so much better than his ex, he never loved his ex the way he loved me, wined and dined, texts all the time, went on vacations mere months into our relationship and he never went anywhere with his ex of 6 years.

 

Then all of a sudden I was a "terrible gf" because I didn't lie to my family to go pick him up when he was drunk, to drive him 35 minutes away to buy weed. All of a sudden he couldn't have a gf who acted like me, a gf who didn't "bend over backwards far enough" for his friends. Everything was my fault, he was always blameless and always a victim, even when he cheated on me. He would put me down frequently, he would alternate between wanting to dump me but then would reel me back in saying he loved me so much. He would tear the rug out from under me frequently, he'd stonewall me whenever we had an argument and he'd go silent for days as a form of punishment.

 

Then one day it was just over. Three years, and I was thrown out like a piece of garbage. He found a new girl at the new job he had just started. He just walked off and never looked back.

 

He wound up meeting ANOTHER girl 3 months after we broke up and they moved in together very quickly. We never lived together, and like another poster said, I believe it's because he knew he could not manipulate me. This girl is 4 years younger and is wrapped around his finger. I too, wondered why he was such a piece of s.hit to me, and then suddenly he was treating her amazing, moving in with her, and subsequently proposing to her (after not even a year of dating at that, meanwhile we dated THREE years and he couldn't even be straight with me regarding engagement).

 

It's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that he's a narcissist and that he won't change, because apparently they have this "amazing life." I try to tell myself often that I dodged a bullet and that she's more screwed than I ever was because she's going to be legally bound to him, but it's hard.

[BC1980]

They are commenting on the Instagram to try to get inside your head. The new girl sounds nuts for asking your friend to get drinks. Seriously weird and attention seeking.

[Diezel]

I think you really need to see the root of the problem now. It's not so much what your ex did anymore, it's about how he still has a hold on you even after 4 months. You need to work on YOU and getting all this side information about him is NOT helping you heal at all. You are constantly stuck in Day 1 of the break-up because of it.

 

Either you find some forums that deal specifically with co-dependents coming out of a relationship with an NPD or seek counsel.

 

But what you have done so far is clearly not working and is putting a hurt on your self-esteem.

[FancyFace]

I really have to agree with Diezel.

 

I understand that it is very difficult to sever those ties to a narc. I should know, I have dated about 3 now, but you have to make a concerted effort to climb up out of the hole you have fallen into and move towards the light.

 

The only way that you can heal from this and move on properly is to focus on yourself. It needs to get to a point where it really doesnt matter what people say or think about him, or what him and his silly little girlfriend are doing. Have you blocked them on instagram and such like so that there is a clear boundary in place that they know not to cross?

 

The longer you stay involved in or with anything to do with him, the steeper the hill to climb to full recovery. It's simple cause and effect, the things you invest in are the things that yield "profit" (good or bad). The things you focus on, you breathe life into them. Breathe life into taking on a new clear path for yourself. Invest in yourself and your wellbeing.

[elaine567]

What is difficult here is that the ex and her friends are interlinked, but I think she can take comfort in the fact that at least superficially, the friends can now see him for what he is, not the nice guy with a crazy gf, but a bad guy who cheated.

 

That support will be helpful to her as she faces pulling herself out of the pit, her bf put her into.