Is it okay to flirt, go out to dinner, when separated?

[SkierChick]

I need some perspective:

 

I moved out 6 weeks ago for many reasons (some explained in an earlier post). I stopped by our home tonight to visit my daughter, who is home from college with strep throat. While I talked to my daughter in one room, husband picked up my phone and read my text messages with someone I met a few weeks ago. We had made plans to have dinner, but they fell through. The guy wrote "Sorry Beautiful!"

 

Husband called me out of visit with daughter to confront me about my 'affair'. We talked for over an hour about this. Of course I feel like an idiot for leaving my phone on the counter (although it is password protected - he must have watched me unlock it.) I think he was wrong to go into my phone.

 

Husband writes: "ask any of your friends ,describing what happened factually without slant if arranging a dinner date with another man was an appropriate thing to do. In my world, it is not. Not for you, not for me. My finding out, as I did, to me is a much lesser sin."

 

What do you think? I am not seeing anyone. One of the things I repeatedly asked my husband for was some appreciation, flirting, compliments, etc. I got none. Felt like I was living with a brother, rather than a husband. I see this time of separation as a chance to see if there is a different life out there that I want to live. Do I need to discuss this ahead of time with my husband?

[BetrayedH]

The purpose of your separation should be completely transparent. If you're experimenting with other options, that should be agreed upon (or least announced). If you're just wanting some "space" to think about your marriage, then don't be dating. In short, be ethical by not tricking your H into keeping his marital vows while you play single.

 

Beyond that, know the infidelity laws in your state. Most states don't care but in others, you'd be committing infidelity and providing your H with grounds for a favorable divorce.

[whichwayisup]

Is your separation going to lead to divorce? No chance of you two working it out and being apart is for good? Then no, it's not cheating.

 

But, if you are separated and not sure what's going to happen with your marriage then you and your H should have spoken and set rules, especially if the intention IS to get back together in time. If that is the case then it is cheating.

[kenmore]

If you're separated and not divorced yet, then you are still married and need to act so. By NO means is it OK to date while separated any more than it is OK to date while married.

 

Legally, the governments just don't care anymore. If you live in a state which requires a "ground" for divorce (do any still do that?), you will give one if you adulterate, but if you are like me in Ca. then legally, though it's "frowned upon", it makes absolutely no difference.

 

This is Earth, you may do as you please. What does your conscience say? Do you really feel you should go out with someone while married?

 

Trust me, I have struggled with this question daily! I want to move on and see so many lovely women every day. I am not getting any younger, but also still want to make my dismal failure of a marriage work. The latter wins every time!!

 

Not trying to preach, you asked.

 

And yes, it was incredibly wrong for your husband to stalk your phone. While I agree seeing someone else while married IS worse, that doesn't justify the bullsh*t snooping! You both need to respect the other more.

 

Ken

Edited February 8, 2015 by kenmore

[Friskyone4u]

Skier

 

If I read your earlier post correctly you were unhappy in your marriage because of a number of things and you were THINKING of having an affair but to this point have NOT. Assuming that is still the case, then to this point infidelity is not the cause of the separation. You have told your husband you wanted to stay with girlfriend a few months to " sort it out". .

You DID NOT tell your husband you were going to date other men for a few months and see if it was satisfying enough to leave him permanently. You know that as an adult woman if you start dating and going out to dinner with other men there is a good chance where it may wind up. That is OK if you are honest with your husband and tell him he is now PLAn B so that HE can decide if that option is acceptable to him. Right now you are still married and dating is cheating.

So separating in order to make decisions is fine but unless you both are on the same page separating and dating while he is not And does not know that you are is not being honest . It sounds like you are now justifying having an affair because you are separated rather than living in same house.

Now you may not like that he looked at your phone and that's OK . But if you two had problems before you should settle those before adding to it what he will certainly consider you cheating to the mix.

I am not judging you but when you say you have a right to date it sounds like you have already made a decision that you will leave him sitting there for a few months to see how your social life goes.

If the situation was reversed and he had asked for the separation for the same reasons that you did would you be ok with him dating when that was not discussed before hand .??

If he came on this or any other forum he would probably be given the advice to see an attorney and that may be what you are trying to force him to do.

So bottom line you should decide if you want to be married anymore before becoming anWW. Become a divorcee first

[oldshirt]

Depends on the purpose of the separation. If the reason you separated is to get away from your husband and to begin your new life untill the divorce (which you have already filed) goes through and you are upfront and honest with your STBX that the marriage is dead and over and that you will be dating at some point regardless if the D is finalized or not and that he is welcome and encouraged to date as well - then I see no problem with dating.

 

 

On the other hand, if the purpose of the separation is to get away from each other for a specified period of time to clear your heads and let the dust settle and to see if you can ultimately reconcile and continue with the marriage - then dating other people is counterproductive at best and manipulative and deceitful and adulterous at worst.

 

Either way, separation is like a marriage, you have to agree on the ground rules ahead of time as to whether dating will be tolerated or will be considered a breach of the marital vows.

 

I think you were either being somewhat naive or somewhat manipulative and opportunistic here. You knew that he would react negatively to you dating other people during separation and you allowed him to find the messages on your phone to either get digs on him or to gauge his reactions and now you are trying to use the separation as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

 

IMHO it was just a dick-move. If your objective in the separation was to move on with a new life, all you've done is embitter your STBX so that now he might the divorce uglier and have more conflict and bitterness. And if your objective was ultimately reconciliation, then it was just dumb and you set things backwards by several big steps.