BPD Ex wife texted last night after bar...

[jimmy1968]

Here we go again....

 

Last night my ex BPD wife texted me at 1:25AM asking how our daughter was. And wanted to know when I'll be dropping her off. It woke me up and I felt panic.

 

My first thought is why is she texting me so late. Is she having a guy over and wants him gone before I get there.

 

She had been texting me earlier that day also.

 

I ignored the text. She knows when I'm dropping our daughter off. I do the same time every Sunday. I deleted the message and was able to fall back asleep.

 

I don't feel like I'm in limbo with her this morning. I feel very angry at her and her games. I feel angry I have kept letting it happen. I feel angry she is breast feeding our daughter still at 6.5. I feel angry I pay her 300 bucks more in child support along with spousal maintentance. I have two other children that I also support.

 

I pay her spousal support, because she refused to work, was abusive to my boys, was horrible. She claimed she was a displaced homemaker. But she signed the papers right away. My lawyer called it buying peace. It would of cost us more is we went to court.

 

She has no problems just taking and taking. I see that more clearly than ever.

 

No more mr nice guy.

 

I have to drop off my daughter this morning after breakfast. I dread seeing her and need to put on a suit of armour before I interact with her.

 

I don't want to have anymore discussion on where our relationship stands. Its over and I need to be strong and stable for my kids. I need to show that actions speak louder that words.

 

She has been messing with me for 10 years. Its my own fault I let her. I let her from day 1. I'm gonna hold her accountable for her every action.

 

Got I feel so angry. I feel like lashing out at her. But I know thats not me.

[Art_Critic]

set your phone for do not disturb after 11 and don't answer any texts at 1:30am.. what she did was just disrespectful

[jimmy1968]

Simple plan to set my phone to do not disturb. Thanks, than I will not have to worry about it next time. Sucks being woke up when your sound asleep.

[Ralph79]

Jimmy1968,

 

You've started 3 threads already in the past month. The last 2 after coming to the conclusion that your eX is not worth your time anymore.

 

I get the feeling that the temptation and her manipulative schemes are more powerful than your will to get better, thus you come back to us for moral reinforcement.

 

Please keep in mind the following:

 

a) It's not just you getting hurt. You are going to seriously mess up a date's mind if you fool around with your eX while you begin to date someone new. They will need to rely on friends or forum boards just like these to cope with what you did to them. You would be spreading your eX's actions beyond yourself. You've got to understand deep down how bad she's corrupting you, not just see it and think it's just you.

 

b) When you sleep with her ... how can the fact that another guy was more than likely inside her as recently as her latest date, simply slip through your mind as she's in the process of "enjoying you"? I couldn't bring myself to let her touch me. How can you be so irresponsible with your life? You are a father. Your kids need you. There's a really appropriate Godfather quote that comes to mind: "Women and children can afford to be careless ... but not men". Start acting like one dude.

 

c) You children. [ ] - You fill in the blank. There's not enough space on the whole internet for me to describe how sorry you will be for the life that awaits them if you continue being reckless.

 

 

I'm sorry if I seem harsh. Your heart is in the right place. But worrying about texts at certain hours of the night, or about her being naked in her house, shouldn't be something that starts to screw with your mind. Hopefully you will reach the point were you start feeling sorry for her pathetic attempts to continue messing up our life.

 

I applaud your decision to do the right thing. And lash out at her if you need. Stop letting her scramble your resolve. Stop accepting life by her rules. Tell her when you see her "Don't ever F... text me at 1:25AM again. What the hell is wrong with you?!" And walk away. Don't let her say sorry, don't let make up some sort of excuse. It is not okay for people to F... with you, and you should let them now that. Be it your ex. A new GF or a best friend. Stop being a doormat.

 

And please keep posting. I didn't mean to judge you. I just hope to give you a nudge in the right direction. Maybe it was unwarranted or unneeded. If so I apologize in advance.

[hoping2heal]

I did not realize your daughter was that old and still being breastfed, what is your wife's reason for doing this?

 

Have you considered getting full custody of your daughter? I'm truly unclear as to whether we have legal guidelines in place about breastfeeding and "what age is too old". I just can't imagine this woman's behavior being anything but damaging to everyone involved with her, including her children.

 

Steel yourself up. I am glad you are getting angry - you should be - you have a lot to be angry for. It's okay and it doesn't mean you need to dwell on it forever of course, but it is truly time you lifted yourself from the muddled confusion she has kept you in, and started seeing what has really been happening, what this woman has really been like, and what she is capable of.

 

Have you considered a burner cell? Here's what I would do...I would have a cheap little burner cell and she could contact me ONLY through that number. Hours such as sleeping time or weekends when you already have your daughter? I'd have it totally shut off so she can't call or text or bother you whatsoever. This would literally put you in total control of WHEN she can/cannot text or call you. May or may not be practical for you but the monthly expense wouldn't be that bad (30 a month) and it could be well worth your sanity and peace of mind.

[aliveagain]

At 7:00 pm every night I turn off my cell phone, at 10:00 every night I unplug my home phone until 8:30 the next morning. People that know me have this information. I sleep much better since I started doing this.

[BetrayedH]

Here we go again....

 

Last night my ex BPD wife texted me at 1:25AM asking how our daughter was. And wanted to know when I'll be dropping her off. It woke me up and I felt panic.

 

My first thought is why is she texting me so late. Is she having a guy over and wants him gone before I get there.

 

She had been texting me earlier that day also.

 

I ignored the text. She knows when I'm dropping our daughter off. I do the same time every Sunday. I deleted the message and was able to fall back asleep.

 

I don't feel like I'm in limbo with her this morning. I feel very angry at her and her games. I feel angry I have kept letting it happen. I feel angry she is breast feeding our daughter still at 6.5. I feel angry I pay her 300 bucks more in child support along with spousal maintentance. I have two other children that I also support.

 

I pay her spousal support, because she refused to work, was abusive to my boys, was horrible. She claimed she was a displaced homemaker. But she signed the papers right away. My lawyer called it buying peace. It would of cost us more is we went to court.

 

She has no problems just taking and taking. I see that more clearly than ever.

 

No more mr nice guy.

 

I have to drop off my daughter this morning after breakfast. I dread seeing her and need to put on a suit of armour before I interact with her.

 

I don't want to have anymore discussion on where our relationship stands. Its over and I need to be strong and stable for my kids. I need to show that actions speak louder that words.

 

She has been messing with me for 10 years. Its my own fault I let her. I let her from day 1. I'm gonna hold her accountable for her every action.

 

Got I feel so angry. I feel like lashing out at her. But I know thats not me.

 

Good post and attitude. The anger is ok, provided that it serves to drive you in the right direction when it comes to keeping those boundaries in place.

 

Eventually the goal is to be indifferent to her efforts because she doesn't hold enough power over you to influence your emotions. But that's a ways off for you and that's fine.

[LoveMyCat]

Also...the last thing you need is to end up with another child from this woman...stop playing with fire.

[sandylee1]

Ralph has said it like it is Jimmy. Read his post a few times. If you're picking your daughter up, knock on the door and wait on the doorstep or in the car. She can flash for the neighbourhood of she is so inclined.

 

The idea of a cheap phone she can contact you on is excellent. Block her on your other phone and put your cellphone on silent when you go to bed. Tell her she should icky contact you for emergency situations or if they're will be a last minute change of plan.

 

You have to remove her from your life apart from where your dd is concerned. Essential contact only.

 

Think of how she abused your son when any thoughts of sleeping with her come to mind. I don't know how old your son that she was really bad to is, but you better hope he doesn't blame you for not protecting him all that time.

 

Stop being codependent and don't ever let a woman tell you you cannot spend time alone with your children like she did. You have her way too much power for too long. Time to take it back and be a father to be proud of.

[whichwayisup]

When you have your kids with you, TURN YOUR PHONE OFF when you go to sleep. When she has them, then keep your phone on. This way she can't disturb you or play games. Let her know you're going to do this, otherwise she will up her game play and possibly show up at your door at 2am if you don't answer her texts.

[No Limit]

I feel angry she is breast feeding our daughter still at 6.5.

 

Can't you get proof of that somehow and get sole custody?

 

Honestly, these days I'm sometimes feeling angry at how men can just impregnate irresponsible women with the brain of a brick and leave the resulting children to their fate. Not writing this to offend you OP (rose glasses are a pain) but what you're doing right now is simply reckless and thoughtless.

[jimmy1968]

Your not being harsh. This is very true.

 

I do want to get better and this is why I'm posting. I dropped by daughter off this morning and did not go into the house. Did not reply to her text messages today. I actually blocked her call while I hung out with a group of friends. I just got back from a weekly meditation group.

 

I realize I deserve love and all I'm gonna get from her is abuse and games.

 

Before my meditation group she sent a text of a locket she bought for my daughter and it had a picture of me and my ex in it. She is full of games. She is a user. I want to be rid of her and have a full life for my children. That's why I'm here. For strength. I am angry for all of her games.

 

Parts of my life are really blossoming. I'm gonna be done with her. I just need guidance from people that went through it. I'm still fragile.

 

I actually went most of the day not thinking about her and feeling love from friends.

 

I am very aware of how bad it would be for me to date someone until this is over.

 

I do have a couple screws loose for sleeping with her or even being married to her in the first place. Thats why I see a therapist and post her. I'm trying to better myself.

 

Your post was great and I need the harsh reality.

[hoping2heal]

Your not being harsh. This is very true.

 

I do want to get better and this is why I'm posting. I dropped by daughter off this morning and did not go into the house. Did not reply to her text messages today. I actually blocked her call while I hung out with a group of friends. I just got back from a weekly meditation group.

 

I realize I deserve love and all I'm gonna get from her is abuse and games.

 

Before my meditation group she sent a text of a locket she bought for my daughter and it had a picture of me and my ex in it. She is full of games. She is a user. I want to be rid of her and have a full life for my children. That's why I'm here. For strength. I am angry for all of her games.

 

Parts of my life are really blossoming. I'm gonna be done with her. I just need guidance from people that went through it. I'm still fragile.

 

I actually went most of the day not thinking about her and feeling love from friends.

 

I am very aware of how bad it would be for me to date someone until this is over.

 

I do have a couple screws loose for sleeping with her or even being married to her in the first place. Thats why I see a therapist and post her. I'm trying to better myself.

 

Your post was great and I need the harsh reality.

 

Pat yourself on the back for this part. Many people never get that far. The fact that you divorced her is enough proof that you're seriously trying to make a change for the better and getting out of this pit of hell on earth.

 

You're human and going to make mistakes and the sleeping with her is one of them. Now you know what you've got to do to avoid making that mistake a repeat offense.

[toolforgrowth]

Pat yourself on the back for this part. Many people never get that far. The fact that you divorced her is enough proof that you're seriously trying to make a change for the better and getting out of this pit of hell on earth.

 

You're human and going to make mistakes and the sleeping with her is one of them. Now you know what you've got to do to avoid making that mistake a repeat offense.

 

QFT. It took me a long time and a lot of begging and pleading before I came to this realization. Sounds like you had to go through your share of mistakes to get there, too. I get it, and I sometimes wonder if that's what finally pushes us over the edge, you know? To where we are finally forced to look at ourselves instead of our WS. That moment when you say, "I know she's crazy, look at all this stuff she's done. So what does that say about me for wanting her?"

 

That's when I gladly, and almost desperately, started going to therapy.

 

This is the first step towards truly breaking free.

[jimmy1968]

Can I get your harsh guidance again, your words help me see clearly. I know you have been in the same situation.

 

I went out last night with some friends and ended up having a couple glasses of wine. Feeling alittle giddy. Ex started texting me about our daughters immunizations, than started asking me who I was with so on, so on and so on.

 

I got sucked in, and we started talking about sex. I was playing my part in it some and allowed the conversation to continue some and than told her I didn't want to talk about it. But somewhere deep I like her wanting to have sex with me. I didn't show her that. I feel shameful for engaging. I feel like an alcholic that went into a bar only to have one beer. I didn't have sex with her.

 

I spoke with her this morning and told her we will only communicate through email. If there is an emergency we can communicate through text messages. I told her she needs to leave me alone and that I didn't want to have sex with her anymore. I told her my engagement in it was an old habit that I'm gonna break for good.

 

I just feel shameful I engaged with her. I don't know whats wrong with me.

[Chi townD]

Wait, your daughter is almost 7 and your Ex is still breastfeeding her? Dude, that's not right. You need to talk to someone about that. That's not normal. Actually, It might even be viewed as destructive behavior for your daughters mental health. I mean, I think I read a post of your stating that your daughter asked you not to tell anyone about it. Thus, your daughter at 6 years old knows it's not right and is ashamed by it. Dude, don't let it continue. Your job is to protect yourself and your kids.

[jimmy1968]

I have an attorney and I'm taking her back to court in the next month. The breast feeding is messed up, but its a fine line. Some people believe its ok, not most.

[Ralph79]

Can I get your harsh guidance again, your words help me see clearly. I know you have been in the same situation.

 

I went out last night with some friends and ended up having a couple glasses of wine. Feeling alittle giddy. Ex started texting me about our daughters immunizations, than started asking me who I was with so on, so on and so on.

 

I got sucked in, and we started talking about sex. I was playing my part in it some and allowed the conversation to continue some and than told her I didn't want to talk about it. But somewhere deep I like her wanting to have sex with me. I didn't show her that. I feel shameful for engaging. I feel like an alcholic that went into a bar only to have one beer. I didn't have sex with her.

 

I spoke with her this morning and told her we will only communicate through email. If there is an emergency we can communicate through text messages. I told her she needs to leave me alone and that I didn't want to have sex with her anymore. I told her my engagement in it was an old habit that I'm gonna break for good.

 

I just feel shameful I engaged with her. I don't know whats wrong with me.

 

Dude, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to be your excuse trampoline from which you think you can bounce back every time you willingly mess up.

 

"than started asking me who I was with"

Your answer should have been : "None of your damn business", and the sad part is you know it.

 

We can only help those who want to be helped.

 

You let thoughts of her linger and worse you still desire her. Honestly I think all posters who have advised you here would rather have sex with a cheese grinder than a woman who still breastfeeds her kids at 7 and fools around behind your back (and even worse your front). Have you gone get tested for STD's since your last sexual encounter with her?

 

And please don't resort to lying to us if you ever do end up caving to her. We are not your dad nor a brother. You gain nothing from our approval. We merely seek to help you.

 

I'm glad and give you a high five for not sleeping with her. But it's something we need to stop celebrating less and less. It's your responsibility NOT to do it anymore, for your sake and the kids.

 

Damn I tricked myself into giving you harsh advice again.

 

Anyways Good Luck

[jimmy1968]

I'm trying to fix my loose screws. I'm messed up also and trying to forge a new life. I'm going to get tested this week for STDs. Thanks.

 

I didn't sleep with her. That is good. I go from being really angry at her to feeling really sorry for her. Than I feel guilty I feel angry. But not caving and seeing the game right away is a step in the right direction, I think.

 

Couple weeks from now I'll probally be stronger.

 

Sorry for making you my emotional trampoline. You words touch me. My mom was really messed up and I wasn't nutured as a child so I'm trying to relearn everything.

 

I did tell her that who I was with was none of her business.

[Ralph79]

I'm trying to fix my loose screws. I'm messed up also and trying to forge a new life. I'm going to get tested this week for STDs. Thanks.

 

I didn't sleep with her. That is good. I go from being really angry at her to feeling really sorry for her. Than I feel guilty I feel angry. But not caving and seeing the game right away is a step in the right direction, I think.

 

Couple weeks from now I'll probally be stronger.

 

Sorry for making you my emotional trampoline. You words touch me. My mom was really messed up and I wasn't nutured as a child so I'm trying to relearn everything.

 

I did tell her that who I was with was none of her business.

 

It's cool man. I come her to share my experience and give my opinion on my own volition. I just don't want to end up being an "enabler" by simply being a shoulder to cry on every time you have problems.

 

You don't bother me nor disappoint me. What you are going through is tough. I've been there like you've said. And I wasted countless hours and advice good friends gave me because I wasn't physiologically ready to process any of it. However one thing that did sink in was what my best friend told me:

 

"Do you come to me seeking a shoulder to cry on or my advice?? Because my time is precious, I'm stealing hours that belong to job and family to help you and it's frustrating to see that you not only NOT listen but do the exact opposite of what EVERYONE advises you. So if you merely seek a shoulder to cry on, go online and pour your heart out."

 

That was the last time I bothered friends with my personal issues when I wasn't ready to commit to being helped.

 

I share this with you because I hope that you understand that we as posters have no issues with your failures. But we've been there and we want you to avoid the missteps we made. And I personally know how hard it is to follow good advice when the mind is clouded. So give your self space and time for the fog to dissipate.

 

And you are doing a great job so far. We just want to nudge you in the right direction and I personally am telling you what I should have been told when I was in your shoes back then. However I'm not you, and each situation is unique. So take everything I say with a measure of perspective.

[Ralph79]

And get tested. I am disappointed you haven't done so already. If you realize the stress and the drag is it to get your rear into the lab to do everything that needs to be done... waiting for that test result, even when you've been a saint, it's nerve-wracking.

 

I want to see if you'd be willing to go through that EVERY time you falter with your ex.

[jimmy1968]

Your posts are very in line with what I'm going through.

 

I'm gonna work really hard this week and next. Hopefully my posts will be alittle more upbeat. I know what I need to do.

[PolkaDot2015]

I am late in reading this thread but it sounds like you have very, very , very low self esteem and self worth.

 

I am a woman and she sounds super pathetic and very needy to play her manipulative games. I had a similar situation with an ex-boyfriend who tried...the key word...tried to mess my mind. He was a wreck....drug addict and alcoholic and had an explosive temper. He would call me such disgusting names and started to throw stuff around because I refused to cower and succumb to his manipulations.

 

Well...all his actions did not work simply because I had self esteem. I walked away from the mess. He supposedly could get any woman to sleep with. He actually boasted his cheating and I simply did not care. He got even more upset because of my nonchalant reaction. So I called the cops and made sure he never contacted me again.

 

The funny thing is that I am the one he cried and begged to come back even though he attracted many other women. Isn't that funny?? Sounds like your ex is doing the same thing....it is like your ex realized that grass is not greener on the other side. She continually behaves the way she is. In addition, have you not considered that she is really begging for attention from you by behaving as such? The thought comes to mind....it is better to get negative attention when you cannot get positive ones...

 

In reality, you have to see that she must be so desperate to continue contacting you. How sad for her....

[jimmy1968]

We have a daughter together, so we need to communicate.

 

I have had a low self-esteem my whole life. I've been seeing a therapist for 3 years and she has helped me see that I can love myself and have a better self-esteem. But it feels like a work in progress. Ex has BDP, and moved out in July. Only 8 months.

 

Seeing the therapist is great, but I'm having a hard time cutting those final cords and get sucked in. I have abandonment issues from my childhood.

 

I'm gonna be stronger this week, but I feel so much shame when I get sucked in. She was a real nightmare, I should be stronger and can see alot of whats happened.

 

I can see the pattern just need to break it.

[LoveMyCat]

Other crazy people believe it is fine to breastfeed six-year olds...not normal, sane people.