Fiance Doesn't Care for Sex Anymore...

[Teacup_Sunshine]

My fiance and I are getting married in 3 months. We've been together almost 3 years. He is 26 & I am 23.

Our sex life used to be so hot and heavy and he wanted it all the time. It was exciting and passionate.

It started declining after we got engaged.

I moved in about a month after we got engaged, and a few months later, we bought a house together.

I've talked to him about it probably 25 times. Each time, he has a different excuse. Examples would be:

- "You want it too much, if you don't expect it so much, I promise it'll happen more." (it didn't)

- "You sit in my lap while I'm playing video games and that is a big turn off" in my defense, he used to play them A LOT, so it's like..when else am I going to?

- "I just have so much other stuff on my mind right now that sex isn't a priority."

- "I feel pressured because you want sex all the time, and pressure makes me not want to have sex."

 

He lost his job about a month ago, so now it's "I'm unemployed, I'm depressed, it'll get better"

 

He just got a job, it's 3rd shift. So we'll basically be living alone in the same house. I'll see him about an hour or 2 each day. While I'm at work, he'll be home and while he's at work I'll be home. So I just feel that's going to be another excuse. That we're not home together at the same times (except weekends) and he'll be tired on the weekends because his sleep schedule is all messed up.

 

Like I said, I've talked to him about this so many times. I really have just stopped even desiring sex anymore.

 

I do initiate. I have been all this time. I don't leave it up to him to initiate, because if I did that we'd probably have had sex 1 time in the past 10 months. 9/10 times I get a "Not tonight"

 

We usually have sex now, maybe 3-4 times a month. In January, it was 2 times, both at my initiation. One of those times, he had come home and I was waiting for him in the room. I had on a corset, stockings, stilettos and makeup done nice. That time was amazing and it was JUST like it used to be. I was so happy, I felt like maybe it would go back. But it hasn't.

It just makes me so sad. It's not that I'm just horny all the time and need sex, but I need to feel connected.

 

He tells me that he is excited to marry me, that he finds me very attractive, that he loves me and is in love with me, that love songs describe how he feels about me, etc.

 

I don't know what else to do.

[sandylee1]

This will be a huge problem if you don't have matching sexual appetites. Don't think he will change one toy get married. You are too young to be in a relationship like this and it will only lead to you seeking the closeness and intimacy elsewhere. Then everyone will blame you.

 

Do you want this little sex on entering marriage? This should be a time you both are going for it. I have to say he's not like any 26 year old male I knew in my younger days. They wanted it all the time.

 

I fear this upcoming marriage will not last long with this issue. So you either accept he's not that into sex or have a serious talk with him and consider postponing the wedding until you see a change. You might think it's a small thing to halt a wedding for, but if you go ahead and may him as things are, you'll end up being another statistic.

 

Another thought. ...maybe he feels under pressure to perform.

[Poppygoodwill]

The timing does seem relevant - that it started happening after you got engaged and moved in togehther. Sure there were no signs of this before?

 

moving in and buying a house, getting engaged...they are all big life choices and do put a lot of pressure on people. it is possible that he is more stressed out than you realize - not to mention having to find a new job - and so that's playing with his mind and body.

 

You've tried the seduction route. Have you tried just speaking plainly about your need to feel connected to him - for intimacy? He might have that need as well, and if he didn't feel pressured to have sex, he might be more than happy to just be affectionate and intimate for right now. What about trying to be affectionate while making it absolutely clear you don't want sex, so he can relax and just be close to you?

[Teacup_Sunshine]

The timing does seem relevant - that it started happening after you got engaged and moved in togehther. Sure there were no signs of this before?

 

moving in and buying a house, getting engaged...they are all big life choices and do put a lot of pressure on people. it is possible that he is more stressed out than you realize - not to mention having to find a new job - and so that's playing with his mind and body.

 

You've tried the seduction route. Have you tried just speaking plainly about your need to feel connected to him - for intimacy? He might have that need as well, and if he didn't feel pressured to have sex, he might be more than happy to just be affectionate and intimate for right now. What about trying to be affectionate while making it absolutely clear you don't want sex, so he can relax and just be close to you?

 

No, I'm sure it happened shortly after getting engaged.

I have tried just plain taking to him. That's when I get one of the excuses I listed.

I've not really tried just being affectionate without intent of sex. We do kiss everyday, but it's mostly like a hello/goodbye/goodnight peck. I'm afraid if I try to make out with him (no intent for sex) that he'll make out for a few seconds, assume I want sex then just tell me "I'm not in the mood tonight sweetie." Then I'll get rejected yet again, but this time without even trying for it. Either that or i guess i could say ahead of time i just want to make out or something, and it not lead to sex, but i don't know if that would make it weird or less fun.

[SycamoreCircle]

Honestly, I think the problem is living together. You're on top of each other all the time.

 

I guarantee if you told him you were leaving him for another man, the erections would start happening.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you. But I do feel like the cause of the problem is clear.

[Teacup_Sunshine]

Honestly, I think the problem is living together. You're on top of each other all the time.

 

I guarantee if you told him you were leaving him for another man, the erections would start happening.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you. But I do feel like the cause of the problem is clear.

 

We're not in top of each other all the time. We both work all day. And when he lost his job, I still went to work all day.

And even if we didn't live together now, we would once we got married, so I don't see how that makes a difference.

[Cynicalme]

Postpone the marriage until things get worked out... whichever way that will be.

[sandylee1]

Honestly, I think the problem is living together. You're on top of each other all the time.

 

I guarantee if you told him you were leaving him for another man, the erections would start happening.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you. But I do feel like the cause of the problem is clear.

 

 

Not sure about this. You live together when you are married and that doesn't mean they are on top of each other.

[sandylee1]

just to reiterate,you need to sort this problem out before you get married. Otherwise it will continue to be a problem throughout your marriage. Quite often either the husband or the wife complaints that their partner does not want sex. However, they seem to forget that this problem was there almost from the beginning.

 

It is very important for you to have this conversation with him again.

 

 

Good luck.

[loveboid]

Yes, I would get this fixed before marriage. So many married people on this forum complain about lack of sex and then reveal it was like this while they were dating.

 

You cannot make a leopard change its spots.

[spanz1]

I agree. put it all off.

 

 

it might be he is just stressed.

but it might be that you moved too fast and he is having serious 2nd thoughts, and is showing it by acting out whenever you want sex.

and it might be that he is becoming asexual...which you REALLY do not want to be married to.

 

 

give yourself some time, say put the marriage off for a year, and see how it goes.

[Blunana81]

This will be a huge problem if you don't have matching sexual appetites. Don't think he will change one toy get married. You are too young to be in a relationship like this and it will only lead to you seeking the closeness and intimacy elsewhere. Then everyone will blame you.

 

This is very important to remember going into marriage...if one partner or the other isn't getting fulfilled in any capacity, the most common instinct is to get that void filled elsewhere, and yes, they'll be pointing the finger at the person who gets caught.

 

 

fear this upcoming marriage will not last long with this issue. So you either accept he's not that into sex or have a serious talk with him and consider postponing the wedding until you see a change. You might think it's a small thing to halt a wedding for, but if you go ahead and may him as things are, you'll end up being another statistic.

 

Another thought. ...maybe he feels under pressure to perform.

 

Definitely agree with this statement.

[Teacup_Sunshine]

It just really hurts and I don't think he understands that, despite the numerous talks. It's not like he doesn't want to see a movie with me..I can do that alone, go with friends, go with family, etc. If I don't get this from him (mainly, the connection) I don't get it at all.

It makes me feel unattractive and not desirable. I even resort to asking sometimes if he loves me (he always gets a soft mushy face and says, "Yes sweetie, so so much")

 

I've looked up everything I can find online about this and I find some, yes, but the vast majority are about women not wanting sex, and telling them how men need more sex and even if they are not in the mood that sometimes they need to do it for their husband. because it is an important part of their relationship.

 

It's starting to make me feel like a freak for wanting it so much when he doesn't. When everything I read says the exact opposite. The guy is always wanting sex and the woman is saying, "Not tonight."

 

About a year and a half ago he had told me that if I ever stopped having sex with him, that he'd divorce me, because sex is important to him. So by that, I really didn't think this would happen. At least now now when we're so young..maybe in 30 years.

 

And he said once that he's getting older and his testosterone levels and libido are getting lower. (he didn't see a doctor about that, he just said it) He's 26...not 46... he's still in his prime.

 

He's the only guy I've been with. Before me, he had a few partners. That's fine with me, that he's the only one I get to experience that with, just...I want to experience it all with him.

 

I think if I said it in a way that hit home, or in a way that he actually got, that things could improve. I know he likes to make me happy. He'll cook dinner or do some cleaning, then when I get home he'll excitedly tell me what he did and ask if I like it. So maybe if I tell him in a way he'll get, that this will make me happy, hell get it. I don't know.

 

Like I said before, I'm getting to the point where I don't even feel like sex anymore. Not even a little. He used to go down on me (on his own, not me asking or hinting) ALL The time. I loved it. Never had experienced that before him. Since we got engaged, I've gotten it one time and that is because I asked for it. He obliged but I could tell he didn't particularly want to, which completely took me out of the mood and made it impossible for me to get off. And that was probably 8 moths ago. I honestly don't even remember what it feels like.

 

I read the book the 5 Love Languages to see if that helped any. I don't know if it did. I tried being very giving for awhile. Doing lots of nice things for him, surprising him with little gifts and notes, cooking his favorite foods, etc. But that didn't do anything.

 

I think I'm just rambling at this point.

[Tayla]

Sorry that you are going thru this. Rejection from a loved one on such an intimate occassion can be heartbreaking.

 

Been in your shoes, and the MORE you try, the more they pull away....

You could be Mother Teresa in your altruistic venture, yet they will simply consider it a relief to not be interwined in an intimate setting.

 

The Bottom line is this, its NOT about YOU. Its a problem with that person.

 

Express to him that maybe he can go for a physical ? It may well be an imbalance or other medical problem....

[loveboid]

Well if he says he's depressed I would take that seriously. A main symptom of depression is loss of interest in things one used to take pleasure in.

 

If he isn't exercising I would encourage him to exercise daily. That will make him feel better about himself even if he doesn't have his dream job yet. And him not being interested in exercise is no excuse. Loss of interest is the problem, for goodness sake.

 

And I would avoid pills. They make sex drive worse. Not only that, they make people not care that they don't have a sex drive.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I'm just rambling at this point.

 

You're rambling because it's easier than facing the truth. The two of you lack the sexual chemistry necessary to sustain that part of the relationship. Were it there, job, video game, 3rd shift or not, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off you.

 

You can bury it and move forward with wedding plans (not recommended) or make the future contingent on a successful resolution. Ball in your court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Were it there, job, video game, 3rd shift or not, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off you.

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I totally agree. I could understand a reduction in desire, but it seems like had just lost all interest. If I were you I'd remind him about the comment about divorcing if you didn't want sex, see what he had to say about that, because this problem is very real.

 

If you marry him without resolving this problem, you really well live to regret it. Problems that manifest before a marriage, DO NOT simply disappear when you say 'I do'.

[Teacup_Sunshine]

I totally agree. I could understand a reduction in desire, but it seems like had just lost all interest. If I were you I'd remind him about the comment about divorcing if you didn't want sex, see what he had to say about that, because this problem is very real.

 

If you marry him without resolving this problem, you really well live to regret it. Problems that manifest before a marriage, DO NOT simply disappear when you say 'I do'.

 

I have brought that up before. I asked what he'd do if roles were reversed, and I was the one not wanting sex. I asked what he'd have done. He said, "I don't know, it depends why you didn't want sex."

 

I tried to see if I could get a little something started just now and I got a no. So, it's movie time now. I really feel like not even bothering to try anymore, it's clearly pointless.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really feel like not even bothering to try anymore, it's clearly pointless.

 

I'm hoping you mean it's clearly pointless considering marriage at this time.

 

You have two separate issues. The first, sex is noted and notable. Hard to have a good marriage without a little fire and chemistry.

 

But just as central is this - you've clearly told him about an issue of great concern and vital importance to you. And his reaction? Zero. Attempts to address it? None. Acknowledgment of its value to you? Zilch.

 

Not what I'd want in a spouse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

[Mr. Lucky;6 H 151731]I'm hoping you mean it's clearly pointless considering marriage at this time.

 

You have two separate issues. The first, sex is noted and notable. Hard to have a good marriage without a little fire and chemistry.

 

But just as central is this - you've clearly told him about an issue of great concern and vital importance to you. And his reaction? Zero. Attempts to address it? None. Acknowledgment of its value to you? Zilch.

 

Not what I'd want in a spouse...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I fully agree. You have told him about a problem and he is not prepared to do anything about it. I would interpret that as a sign of what or how he deals with problems. Maybe he doesn't realise how serious this is and until you raise it in connection with the fact that you would like to put the marriage on hold, then maybe he will realise how serious you are and how serious a problem it is to you.

 

If he gets annoyed about this, then he's telling you he's not willing to put the work in to make a marriage work and to make you happy. In addition he's under estimating the seriousness of the problem.

 

Whilst I love my husband very much aspects of his personality that I wasn't mad on before the marriage, are still there, but they are things i can live with.

 

There is only so much rejection you can take and this is going to ruin your self esteem and confidence. Although it is his problem you begin to ask if there's something you've done to cause this. You will start questioning and second guessing yourself because your confidence eventually becomes eroded.

 

I'm not saying it would definitely happen, but when you get rejected like this, you become so in need of affection and any caring guy that pays you attention will be hard to resist. As human beings we need attention and this could ultimately make you very vulnerable.

[stillmind]

You can't go into a marriage hoping that things will improve.

[mikethemechanic]

Has he told you that you've gained weight or any other physical attributes that he doesn't like. Assuming you talk to him about this issue what was his response how does he treat you will he touch you, will he be around you? Does he go out of his way to keep distance from you,has he refused to look you in the eye if he sees you walking across the room he'll try to get distance from you? My ex-wife used to sit two or three chairs away from me in a restaurant we could be eating with other people and should still sit in a chair or two away from me that should've been a good indication but I chose to keep my eyes and the dark.

 

It even got worse we'd go over to peoples houses I would sit on one couch and she'd go find another couch to sit on. One time we went over to a friends house for a Sunday barbecue this friend of ours had a huge lawn with a wooded island in the center of it, I found her on the other side of the wooded Island hanging out with herself and the kids it was very obvious that she was trying to avoid me.

 

Upon arrival at a movie theater she would move once seat down. Then there was a vacation to the Caribbean with a group of friends. her and her friends took off by themselves for an excursion and again I was by myself this happened for the entirety of the vacation.

There's a reason for me sharing this story I'm hoping that it might resonate with you.

[Teacup_Sunshine]

Has he told you that you've gained weight or any other physical attributes that he doesn't like. Assuming you talk to him about this issue what was his response how does he treat you will he touch you, will he be around you? Does he go out of his way to keep distance from you,has he refused to look you in the eye if he sees you walking across the room he'll try to get distance from you? My ex-wife used to sit two or three chairs away from me in a restaurant we could be eating with other people and should still sit in a chair or two away from me that should've been a good indication but I chose to keep my eyes and the dark.

 

It even got worse we'd go over to peoples houses I would sit on one couch and she'd go find another couch to sit on. One time we went over to a friends house for a Sunday barbecue this friend of ours had a huge lawn with a wooded island in the center of it, I found her on the other side of the wooded Island hanging out with herself and the kids it was very obvious that she was trying to avoid me.

 

Upon arrival at a movie theater she would move once seat down. Then there was a vacation to the Caribbean with a group of friends. her and her friends took off by themselves for an excursion and again I was by myself this happened for the entirety of the vacation.

There's a reason for me sharing this story I'm hoping that it might resonate with you.

 

No, not at all. We eat dinner sitting side by side at the table. He hugs & kisses me goodbye/hello. After dinner, we'll sit on the couch and watch tv and we're nearly always cuddling or at the very least sitting almost touching. When we go to bed we'll spoon (until we actually fall asleep, then we roll over in our sleep). When we go out places, we'll hold hands while we walk and when we are in the car (he 99.9% of the time drives) he will either hold my hand or put his hand on my thigh. He opens doors for me everywhere we go.

 

No, he has not told me any of those things. Since we got engaged, I have been going to the gym 5 times a week. So I've actually gotten a bit more fit since becoming engaged. He tells me I looks sexy.

 

When things are wrong, he always comforts me and tries to help. So maybe it is what someone said.. that he doesn't see how much of an issue this is with me. Sex helps me feel connected.

The other night, I was crying when he walked in and he asked what was wrong. I told him I was really unhappy and he got me and we sat down and talked for about 45 minutes. I told him what I was unhappy about (what I've written in these posts)

He said, "I just got employed. I haven't even started yet. Give it time" (in response to him not wanting sex because of being unemployed and depressed)

If this was an issue that arose shortly after him becoming unemployed, I'd not even be here. I get that. While he was unemployed I really didn't even care for sex either. All of the bills and expenses were suddenly on me and that was extremely stressful.

But it's been going on way longer than that, which is why it worries me. Because, like I said, when I ask why he doesn't want it anymore, it's a different excuse/reason. I fix the problem he is referring to, and the next time I bring it up, he has a different excuse. I told him this, that it was not a new thing and he just says, "I know."

 

How do I let him know how important this is to me? I don't want to say something like, we need to have more sex or the wedding is on hold. That's an ultimatum and those never work..that'd probably make it worse.

[Mr. Lucky]

He said, "I just got employed. I haven't even started yet. Give it time" (in response to him not wanting sex because of being unemployed and depressed)

If this was an issue that arose shortly after him becoming unemployed, I'd not even be here. I get that. While he was unemployed I really didn't even care for sex either. All of the bills and expenses were suddenly on me and that was extremely stressful.

 

Sex is part of the glue that keeps you connected, even more valuable when times are tough. Not sure why you'd give up on it during those periods - it's also a pretty good stress reliever .

 

You've got a ton of red flags in your relationship, not the least of which is his inability to hear what you're saying. All the hand-holding, cuddling and touching you've described would leave me pretty frustrated if it didn't lead to some foolin' around...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

He should get a friend, not a girlfriend or wife. Better yet, a dog. What is he doing in a sexual relationship if he's not sexual. That's false advertising. Switch and bait. Men get it from women a lot and it's unfair both ways.

 

There might be a legitimate reason, one where we all feel compassionate, yadda yadda, but in the meantime it's causing pain and it does not get better. This kind of thing just gets worse.

 

How about this, you become roommates and date/have sex with other people. That's about the level of sexual status you two are to each other. If you get married you get a permanent roommate without the dating! I wouldn't do that.

 

I wonder if marriage was advertised as a legal way to make your roommate your roommate for life if people would jump to it. Unfortunately, I think they would.