Fiance Doesn't Care for Sex Anymore...

[sandylee1]

So your talk didn't really help did it? I'm not saying an ultimatum is the thing to do. What I'm saying is this problem and it only seems to be your problem, because he's not bothered, will cause marital breakdown, unless you can find happiness without the sex. It really is that simple.

 

There are too many excuses from him. Maybe you ought to write him a letter or email expressing your concerns about his lack of desire. Tell him there have been given a multitude of excuses and you really want this upcoming marriage to work, but with your needs not being met you are hesitant about the marriage. Tell him to speak with a guy friend if it helps. He needs someone else to tell him this is not the normfor young healthy adults in love prior to a wedding and I suspect that he knows it's a problem and is just hoping you will shut up about it.

 

He needs to see his doctor and explain what is happening, because right now I don't see that he's taking things seriously at all. If you can live with an almost sexless marriage you are well matched, if not proceed at your own risk.

 

I can just hear people screaming 'why did you marry him, when this was already a problem'. Even after he saw you crying he couldn't take you they're and then and make love? This is serious and you need a plan to sort it out.

[jackslife]

I don't get it. If a man finds a woman sexy and attractive, he won't be able to keep her hands off her. If he doesn't, he won't.

 

Do you think he may be gay?

 

I agree with other posters. Don't get married unless this issue is resolved.

[spanz1]

 

How do I let him know how important this is to me? I don't want to say something like, we need to have more sex or the wedding is on hold. That's an ultimatum and those never work..that'd probably make it worse.

 

you are lucky in a way...you have been provided a magical crystal ball to look into the future. as the fog clears, you see yourself...lonely, rejected and refused, craving sex but going months in between half-hearted attempts by him. then you find he is gay/cheating/whatever and are devastated, or you find some guy who DOES pay attention to you and you find yourself in the no-tell motel.

 

Of the people who got married and the sex dropped off to nothing....almost all of them will tell you there was NO WAY to turn it around. so don't delude yourself that you can change him AFTER you get married.

 

So "HOW DO I LET HIM KNOW"?

you say to him "honey, i am having second thoughts on the wedding. i think we should postpone it until we work things out". end of conversation. then GO AND CANCEL all the marriage plans/reservations. you can text it to him if you are reluctant to speak to him. but the actions of canceling the wedding are what might snap him out of whatever dark space he is in.

 

At least that way you have not leapt off the cliff edge!

 

maybe distancing yourself a little too? do you live together now? take a long vacation, go visit friends, maybe date someone else for a while?

Edited February 12, 2015 by spanz1

[jackslife]

^^^^^^^^

 

OP, you should read this advice, read it again and follow it. Some of us end up in sexless marriages many years after the event. But you'd be a damned fool to walk into one.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't want to say something like, we need to have more sex or the wedding is on hold. That's an ultimatum and those never work...

 

What also never works is marrying someone who doesn't meet our needs and then hoping they'll somehow change.

 

Teacup_Sunshine, just out of curiosity why do you think he willingly gives up sex with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

I was wondering if he might be gay? some gays (the evil ones) marry a woman under false pretenses to have the appearance of a normal life. But, of course, the sex part just does not work out!

[CrystalShine2011]

Sorry you are going through this...I understand how frustrating that is. I've been on both ends - and usually when I go through spots of not wanting it, it's because I'm completely exhausted!

[carhill]

OP, my quick read is that his sexual desire is, rather than being discrete desire, all bound up in a bunch of stuff like how he feels, problems on his mind, job loss and gain, impending marriage, etc, etc. He's a poor compartmentalizer and this is generally the death of a man in these situations. He must learn how to put away all his personal 'stuff' and be a sexual being available upon request or schedule. That's the husband's part of the deal. You can have a close and intimate relationship with any number of men in life but it is sex, sexual desire and sexual interaction which places a spouse apart from all other men. If he's impotent in his role, he is. Is it fixable? Maybe!

 

I'll join others in suggesting postponing the wedding and up the ante by directly suggesting to him to get some PMC before re-setting the wedding date. He needs consequences to validate his choice to change his sexual interaction with his betrothed and, yup, it's you that's going to set the consequences because, well, it's your life.

 

Could he be a closet gay? Sure! Counseling could ferret that out. Don't underestimate the abilities of a good psychologist.

 

Good luck and I hope it works out. Three years is a long time. The good news is you're both quite young so, even if things don't work out, there's billions more out there whom you have opportunities with and plenty of time to make good on them.

[Teacup_Sunshine]

Sorry for the delay in my response, work was hectic and I didn't have time to get on here.

 

A few of you have asked if he might be gay. He's not. He's had many girlfriends before, he is attracted to all of the typical guy stuff (lingerie, lesbians, fantasies)

 

Sex used to be an outlet for him. He wanted it all the time, like I said in my original post. He'd touch my everywhere and everything was hot and heavy a lot.

 

He was engaged before we started dating. Ended the relationship 3 weeks before the wedding. This is my first serious relationship. I dated before, but mainly just casually. So I guess, in my head, I compare our relationship now to how it was in the beginning. I know I can't do that, because a relationship is hormones and craziness in the beginning and then it wanes and flows into something more stable.

 

I see what you all are saying, and I have read many of the posts on here about sexless marriages and that really scares me.

I've definitely thought about seeing a counselor. That night I mentioned, when I was waiting for him in the corset...the way he was that night is exactly the way things used to be and that gives me hope that it can go back to being like that. That it is still in him somewhere and I just have to help him find it.

 

 

Teacup_Sunshine, just out of curiosity why do you think he willingly gives up sex with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have no idea... I wonder that constantly, but I don't know. I've asked him and he says he doesn't know either (apart from the excuses)

 

Apart from this, things are good.

[stillmind]

This hasn't ebbed into something more stable, it's disappeared! Sex frequency does tend to go down, but it's more like 2x a day to 4x a week, not 2x a day to NEVER. Something is wrong here. You really need to insist on counselling. The lack of sex is a huge, huge problem. It's also a huge problem that he doesn't care to fix something that is hurting you and causing you distress. If you marry him without addressing this issue you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

[MJJean]

Like I said, I've talked to him about this so many times. I really have just stopped even desiring sex anymore.

 

So you complain about a lack of sex, but then write that you don't even want sex anymore. Problem solved?

 

Ok, seriously, now.

 

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Not right now, maybe not ever. You say apart from the lack of sex things are good. I can guarantee you that a continued lack of sex and the feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, insecurity, frustration, etc. will begin to spill over into other parts of the relationship and cause problems there, too.

 

Yes, it's normal to have a hot and heavy beginning that turns into something more stable. Yes, it's normal for an ebb and flow of desire over time. Yes, It's normal that outside stresses and lifestyle affect desire for sex. But that doesn't translate into no sex or very rare sex. It just means a bit less than before.

 

I read your last post where you explain he ended his previous engagement a few weeks before the wedding. You also state or imply that the major change in your sex life happened after you were living together and engaged. My theory is that it could be commitment issues on his part.

 

If it is the commitment or of it is something else it's not going to get better on it's own. Whatever you do, however you choose to handle it, DO NOT marry or even continue planning a wedding until this issue has been resolved for a significant period of time.

 

I'm not going to say I am the norm, but when my DH and I met 15 years ago we were all hot and heavy just like most new couples. Always pulling each other into dark corners, etc. Sure, there have been dry spells. A few weeks after the birth of our baby, a few days here and there due to him being out of town for work, when there has been illness, and for 5 days today because my DH is quitting smoking cold turkey and going through withdrawl, so he feels like boiled pond scum. But for the most part? We are intimate 3-5 times a week. After 15 years together and 12 years married.

 

Don't let being in an established relationship be an excuse for lack of sex. It's not how long you've been together. It's either a psychological problem, a physical problem, or simply a difference in libido. Whatever it is, it's not because you've been together for a while.

Edited February 13, 2015 by MJJean