My husband has dried up and I am still wet and ready to go....

[jnel921]

I am fearful that this marriage is not going to work out for us. When it comes to sex...We are lacking. I feel like I am begging and being rejected all the time. Its not that I am unattractive or that ther is someone else...He says hre loves me... But he is always saying that he is not a sexual person. At this point I am not sure how I should have taken that. Was that the red flag that should have warned me to run away from this person? At this point He is fine with 4x a month. But I'm not. 4 times a week is more what I would like. But that doesnt happen. When it does...It does with alot of fighting and crying behind it. When we do do it, most of the time its when he is in the mood. I argue that he dictates the sex. He will be nasty and say I have the d***. Which is not funny...but very hurtful to me. Whenever I initiate or ask he get upset or gives me the hardest time. And if we do wind up making love my spirits are so worn down and turned off by this behavior that I just don't enjoy it. It feels like a chore with him and it makes me very sad and frustrated. No matter how I try to explain it to him and no matter what I have suggestedted..ie: counseling, books...advice,etc. He refuses to do anything that will help. We have only been married a year. He is 37 and I am 36. I just feel like his libido is shot to hell at this point and I got stuck with a bad piece.

 

I don't know what to do. i don't want to step out of our relationship, but I am not sure what to do. I need a healthy physical relationship with someone that I know enjoys me as much as I do them.

 

In regards to my husband and our marriage, I enjoy every other aspect of our relationship. But the sex part...This really sucks big time. I really feel like this can make me want to divorce him for good.

 

Am I sounding sane or like an angry frustrated horny crazy woman? Someome please advise. Thanks...

[teressa0397]

well my friend i have a husband is the same way. when i mention sex he gets really mad. so guess what i had an affair its been going on for 10 years with same man. i needed sex so i went and look for it.. i'am still with my husband.... but what i want to say with you. if there is no sex leave him you got to have a l sexual life do it up an a right way dont have an affair it hurt's everyone that;s involved. i learn an the hard way i had an affair and can't let go. so don't do that to you it isn't worth it. i'am tryimg to spear you the pain. do what is best for you. good luck

[RecordProducer]

Ohhh poor girl... dear Jnel, you sound totally sane. I am sorry. Four times a week is like zero times a month, you need sex. But you need advice from an expert and you need to talk to your husband. I consider myeslf normal and I need it more than once a week!

[HokeyReligions]

Try a different approach, like "Do you want this marriage to last and be happy?" and if he says "yes" then tell him that there is a huge roadblock going on right now and you need to know if he is willing to work through it and make some compromises. If he is not willing to make some concessions, and you are not willing to meet him half-way, then you may need to decide if your love for him is greater than your current sexual needs. If not, then don't continue in an unfulfilling marriage.

 

I had to make that choice around 14 years ago. I chose to stay with my husband because I felt that our relationship and our love for each other was 95% and sex was 5% (a powerful 5%) and I learned to deal with celibacy. It's been about 14 years since we've had sex. It was a struggle at first because I was in my prime, but I managed. I don't even miss it now. It did take me several years to adjust and several more years to work through the emotional issues, but I did.

[jnel921]

First of all thanks to everyone for your advice...

 

Hokey...14 years?... I'm so sorry to hear that. I know I couldnt do that. In my heart that is giving in to the man's selfishness. What happened to selflessness. This is my second marriage. Before him I was single for about 5 1/2 years in which I dated and was very sexually forfilled with no strings attached. I thought that when I fell in love with him, that the sexual need would be filled to its capacity. I had no Idea that he would fall off like that.

 

I really don't want to hurt him or our marriage. But I can't spend the rest of my life wishing for something that is in my face everyday and is being withheld for no other reason than selfishness.

 

I gave myself a time limit with him. If things don;t change I can't see moving forward with him. It's like having a roomate. I am in love with this man. I need more and I hate like feeling like a desperate person all the time.

[RecordProducer]

Soon enough you won't be in love anymore, my dear. And when that happens it will be the right time to ditch him. Sex is 5% when you have it but 100% if you want to have it but miss it. But it's your choice. Not every woman is the same, but you are sexual and I understand that.

 

Hokey, 14 years without sex?!?!?!? Why? Aren't you horny? If your husband can't have sex for medical reasons that he should have let you have it on aside. I am shocked.

[whichwayisup]

I can understand your frustrations...My husband isn't the most sexual person, it kinda comes in waves (like this past weekend...) and when the tide is out, yes I'm very frustrated! But I DO know it has nothing to do with me. He loves sex, it's just not the most important thing to him. When he gets stressed out or really into a work project that is where his focus is...I'm serious, I have walked up to him when he's been busy working on the computer, no clothes on, and straddle him, putting my boobs near his face...Nothing! All I get is, Hey not right now, ya look cute, but I'm not into it right now! Maybe later? ... Except later he's too tired, or just not in the right frame of mind for it. Pisses me off? You bet it does...But I have learned to just go with the flow.

 

The rest of our marriage is really solid. I am secure enough to know that we are forever and nothing is going to change that! It's my own head when I start feeling low about it...

 

Find some other fun things to do with friends, back off the sex more and just be flirty...Let him want you. Trust me, that works too...

 

Feel free to PM me anytime, I feel for what you're going through.

[guest]

posting anon on purpose...

ask him to get his testosterone level checked. check not only total testosterone, but bound and free values as well.

if he is low on testosterone, find a physician (one who is up on these issues, NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT an endocrinologist -- in my rather expansive experience, they know diabetes and typically little else) and try some testosterone products.

the problem is convincing him to get help. all it takes is a bit of a hint that you don't see any point in staying married if you feel like his roommate all the time.

[p.s. these forums are the place for you... they've got good advice for women in this predicament. switch the genders and you'd start seeing inflammatory posts about how you shouldn't complain at all.]

[RecordProducer]

WWIU, it's not that JNel is taking it as a personal offense. She is simply horny and wants some steamy sex!!! She didn't imagine her marriage as eternal hunger for erotic pleasure. She wants to get satisfied and think about work and projects too and not think about sex at work. She wants to have sex when she goes to bed so she can feel great and sleep tight, not fall asleep horny and fantasize about sex while her husband is sleeping tight like a grandpa with his soft small dick. She needs action, fun, and excitement. She deserves to be sexually fulfilled. Who's talking about him not wanting her? It's her who is turned off by him after she realized that he's not as passionate as she would want him to be.

Next thing she will find out that he's spending his sperm with another woman.

[elroymc]

I really can't understand how two different people can match. My problem is the all other way around. My wife and I do it an average of once every month and a half. I just can take it. Why I did not marry you. I though the this happened to women only. I do not of any male friends or family that do not want to have to have sex wth her wife, girlfrend, neghbor, friend, co-worker, or doll.

[yuv]

I can't spend the rest of my life wishing for something that is in my face everyday and is being withheld for no other reason than selfishness.

 

Quite likely he'd call you selfish (relax, I wouldn't agree). You talk about going halfway, and it's funny... When I talk with people about this issue, it seems people will agree that you have to compromise on everything in marriage. When it comes to sex, though, it's YOUR problem. YOU have to be the one to give. It's "meet me halfway" on everything and "give it a rest" when it comes to sex, because a LOT of people simply don't view it as a valid need.

 

I've been having the same problem, but it's my wife at issue. Today she told me that she thought I was troubled by our downward spiralling sex life because I was still "adjusting" to married life. Her comment about my "adjusting" to it let me know that it's viewed as my problem rather than our marriage's problem, and that she seems to think of it as something I need to adjust to rather than it being part of our marriage's foundation.

 

relationship with someone that I know enjoys me as much as I do them.

 

I really hear you here... It's mental. What IMO folks like us are talking about has more to do with desire than people might realize. If he won't go to counseling, it's time to let him know that unless things change to turn this "roomate" arrangement back into a marriage, you'll let it take it's natural course, and it will come to an end. It's a hard thing to be subtle about, that's for damn sure. I haven't found any way to say it nicely without sounding like I'm trying to start a fight.

[jnel921]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

WWIU, it's not that JNel is taking it as a personal offense. She is simply horny and wants some steamy sex!!! She didn't imagine her marriage as eternal hunger for erotic pleasure. She wants to get satisfied and think about work and projects too and not think about sex at work. She wants to have sex when she goes to bed so she can feel great and sleep tight, not fall asleep horny and fantasize about sex while her husband is sleeping tight like a grandpa with his soft small dick. She needs action, fun, and excitement. She deserves to be sexually fulfilled. Who's talking about him not wanting her? It's her who is turned off by him after she realized that he's not as passionate as she would want him to be.

Next thing she will find out that he's spending his sperm with another woman.

 

 

Yes I am...I've been that way for most of my sexual life. The only way I seem to get something out of him is when he feels threatened. If he senses me backing way off to the point where he thinks I will be with someone else.

 

He works evenings so he is home at 5am. Yesterday he came in and tried to wake me up for sex. I was really tired and honestly that was the last thought in my mind. My main issue is that there are plenty of moments when he is home in the evening and we are both in bed and it is very easy to just to get our groove on. But he'd rather roll over and start to snore. This makes me so upset because he is not considering my needs at that point. He is deciding for the both of us.

 

You know he rarely comes home feeling horny...So I decided to test the waters. He just called me from work. I told him that I would love for him to make love to me when he gets in this morning. His response....A chuckle...then he said "Yeah Right...Okay". I don't know.....this just isnt good. You see when he wanted it...I guess I just should have shut up and spread em.... I want it and its funny?

 

I hate men.... Is it a wonder why alot of us flip?

[imjacksdespair]

I am in the same situation, save I am the horny bastard of a husband and my wife is asexual--or it would seem. Like you we go 4 times a month (about), I could go for 4 times a week! Right now my hands are tied--not like that LOL. We just had kid #2 and she is breast feeding and child wrangling (Home mom). So, I have to back off and wait. Although before kids we were not setting fire to the place. Recently I have started to get her to come out of her shell--not only in frequency but in activity.

 

I struggle with the idea of divorce over an issue like this. But it affects our marriage, how I look at her--how I feel about her. Being constantly turned down when you are in the mood gets demoralizing. My first thought when you talked about the morning scenario (you being tired) was "Damn girl what are you doing!" Never ever turn down your SO if they are so rarely in the mood. Then I thought, hey... some have some of your own medicine! LOL.

 

I tried to PM you about this because I am too much the coward to post publicly... Alas, you don't allow PM.. So I got the guts and posted

 

Try counseling... At the very least for yourself if he is not interested. I started to go to a psychologist to talk about things... this issue in particular. Has helped me to some extent--try to get him to go with you, maybe talking about the issue can at least help you two understand each other.

 

My 2 cents.

[whichwayisup]

Yes I am...I've been that way for most of my sexual life. The only way I seem to get something out of him is when he feels threatened. If he senses me backing way off to the point where he thinks I will be with someone else.

 

He works evenings so he is home at 5am. Yesterday he came in and tried to wake me up for sex. I was really tired and honestly that was the last thought in my mind. My main issue is that there are plenty of moments when he is home in the evening and we are both in bed and it is very easy to just to get our groove on. But he'd rather roll over and start to snore. This makes me so upset because he is not considering my needs at that point. He is deciding for the both of us.

 

You know he rarely comes home feeling horny...So I decided to test the waters. He just called me from work. I told him that I would love for him to make love to me when he gets in this morning. His response....A chuckle...then he said "Yeah Right...Okay". I don't know.....this just isnt good. You see when he wanted it...I guess I just should have shut up and spread em.... I want it and its funny?

 

I hate men.... Is it a wonder why alot of us flip?

 

J, I understand how you are feeling...And yes you are hurt, how can you NOT be?

 

I don't get wtf your H's problem is, but he better get his s*** together and either fix whatever it is that is going on by going to MC or really open up and TALK to you.

 

What kind of response is "yeah right...Okay"??? WTF is THAT? You have every right to be angry and hurt.

 

imjacksdespair, All I can say is allow your wife time to deal with the emotions of being a mom again, breastfeeding etc...

 

Maybe plan a getaway - Get a sitter and woo her! Be romantic, cuddle and affectionate...That is probably what she needs most right now as I bet she's not feeling to sexy...Could be Post Pardom Depression too...

 

She should be making TIME to spend with you as your wife - Whether it be sexual or just holding eachother closely and talking. You miss the intimacy, the closeness as well as the sex. It's all tied up into one package in marriage - Can't have one without the other ya know?

 

Tell her how you feel, that you miss her and desire her...Make her feel like a sexy woman!!

 

Hope this helps and I'm glad you posted out in the open!

[imjacksdespair]

As I said in my post... I am in standby mode because of the circumstances. But it was an issue before kids too... So, to some extent, it is not related to the kids.

 

IJD

[notmyrealname]

Like you we go 4 times a month (about), I could go for 4 times a week!

 

Whats funny or sad depending on your take is that I could wish for this much attention. I have averaged about 1 time every month to month and 1/2. This is getting really old.

 

Like others on this site that I have been lurking on for about 1 year, my wife and I have 2 kids 5 and 3 yrs old. We both work at the same place and one of us takes the 5 year sold to school and one takes the 3 year old to daycare. She picks them both up as I work 2 hours longer each day. She almost 90% of the time makes dinner but other than that we have an equitable split on housekeeping and other chores.

 

In any event, I am getting to the point that I have stopped initieating sex and am concidering refusing her for sex on that monthly occasion just to make a point. I know that it seems childish, but she doesnt seem to understand the emotional stress that a lack of sex with your loved one has.

 

I have tried about 6 times in the last 4 years to talk to her about this but it just immediately leads to her crying and I feel like the bad guy. She says that she is trying but obvioulsy to no sucess. I am more than willing to do what ever that I need to for the sucess of or marriage.

 

I truely believe that she RARELY/NEVER thinks about sex. She doesnt need it, desire it, or think it is significant. For her this once a month pattern is more than enough.

 

I know for those reading this, this gives a fraction of the information that anyone needs to make informed suggestions, all I can say is that it is ruining our marriage and I seem to be the only one that recognizes the problem. And I guess furthermore, the problem is mine.............................

[whichwayisup]

When she cries - Leave the room and tell her you'll discuss it when she's not crying and calmer. She'll learn fast it's not the right way to act when having a talk.

 

I feel for ya! Frustrating I know it! lol. But it's not funny...Especially if you're considering punishing her by saying no to sex when she's up for it...

 

She probably doesn't feel sexual as she's in MOM mode alot of the time. Us women need to be romanced, wined and dined...Flirty and affection, massages. All that counts! It's just as important to feel close emotionally as well as sexually. MAKE a special time to spend with her. Get a sitter and GO out for a nice dinner!

 

Just afew suggestions, hope it helps.

 

Hang in there notmyrealname...I will post some more back to you shortly...

[yuv]

jnel921, just a random note. I posted nearly the exact same dilemma days before you did at

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59303/

See "guest" post? I just caught that little end bit.

Check out the wildly divergent responses *I* got. Makes for an interesting study / comparison.

Perhaps I need to start posting as a female?

I bought "Testosterone, the hormone of desire." She wouldn't get a blood test.

I bought "Five languages of love." We have an identical order of love languages.

I bought "The sexless marriage" and felt it did not really hit the nail on the head in terms of describing how alone I feel.

I bought "Men are from Mars" and don't get why a lot of people bash this book, I liked it a LOT, but it's not like its going to help sort out the situation my wife and I are in.

So, books aside, now we're headed to marriage counseling, and headed into our sixth month of marriage. I tactfully let my wife know that our marriage was on a "downhill course" and needed "healing." Interesting, she had NO idea that I felt this way and thought I simply needed time to adjust to our once per week frequency. The frequency now jumped to twice per week when I asked her to accompany me to counseling. I do feel a bit better and less rejected and bitter but it's really not the sex, as we have both said, so much as the desire.

 

Five Languages of Love *might* do you some good... perhaps your husband is an "Acts of Service" kind of guy who wants to show his love through working long hours and thinks love is financial provision (just a thought). You can therefore directly address this by telling him that if that's the case, you'd rather he take fewer hours or a different shift to save the marriage, because it won't be a marriage for long, and he'll be able to work as long as his heart desires without the burden of a woman in his bed wanting to have sex with him. Maybe do it in a letter and leave it somewhere where he'll find it... That might help get the point across that maybe he calls the shots on sexual frequency, but you call the shots on the marriage itself, and you can make a decision any time, out of the blue, and he won't necessarily see it coming.

[longgone]

I have a similar situation, although we have sex even less than that and a few months ago my dh said he wanted to be celibate, and just reiterated that last night. I have always had a high sex drive, and have been happy to share and express it. We know that for him he does feel his lack of interest/ability to enjoy sex is directly related to childhood abuse issues that he is working on, and he plans that the celibacy be temporary. I do think he naturally has a very low drive to start with, though, maybe that's just normal for him. (have you read up on happy, asexual people?) But the truth is, this lack of good sex, and rare sex at all, has been going on for 3 years now.

 

We started out with the agreement to be polyamorous. This is something that has worked for me in the past, though he was a virgin when we met. (he is now 36 and I am 29, btw). He also planned on being poly. For me that had always been about when the relationship is going great, to be able to expand on it, maybe add new people, or play together more adventurously. I wanted him to experience an outside relationship before stepping out myself, however, as our marriage is my top priority. He initially felt the poly thing would take the pressure off him to perform, so he had the opposite motivation for the same outcome.

 

I thought I wouldn't have an outside sexual relationship until he had experienced that and learned more about the possibility of loving more than one person at once, et cetera. The past six months he has been in love with another man, and dating him once a week, though he has the same sexual problems with him as he has with me, and is now about to also tell him about the need for celibacy. I have reframed my ideas of how to cope with this, and have accepted, for now anyway, that perhaps he was right, there are just some things he can not do for me, and getting them elsewhere may make us both more happy and relaxed.

 

I will be going to my first play party in years this weekend. I need that fun, playful, unloaded sexual contact. With our relationship where it is, a real girlfriend or boyfriend would be too much emotionally, monetarily, and time-wise. I love my dh and he loves me so much. We work together as a team in parenting, projects around the house, and we have a strong friendship, are very affectionate with eachother, and have an amazing emotional connection. Me stepping out for the sexual part of life is not cheating... he is fully aware of what is going on, fully supportive, and even relieved. We trust each other to communicate if things stop working or feeling good for one or both of us, and to place a higher priority on our relationship than on any outside play.

 

I do not have to be held hostage by his lack of sexual enjoyment... and he doesn't have to be assaulted by my sexual desires. Ruining the otherwise very satisfying relationship that we do have would be a huge waste, and really rediculous.

 

You don't have to lie to get it elsewhere, if your partner can deal with it, and youn both be honest and kind with your boundries, expectations, and communication.

[longgone]

Oh, and speaking of books, Passionate Marriage is really good.

[josephanthony69]

Interesting commentary - same situation in reverse - if it's once a month she feels it may be too frequent - and then - only if she "feels like it" well hell!! There has to be caring and emotion, but wtf, is it one sided? Talked me into online game rooms to occupy my time - well what a wonderful world that is - many of the same type of women there who need more than hubby can give. Making love - having sex - can be wonderful at whatever age or in whatever lifestyle! Things are changing and will continue to!! Be creative - don't grow old!! Remember when the back seat was good enuff - try it again!! might spark stuff!!