Summer Lovin Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I'm currently 27-years old and not married nor even close. This is discouraging for me, but I've gotten to the point of just accepting that I'm just not meant for marriage and have practically given up. I'm all for "not looking" and focusing on myself, and I've cultivated a lot of great friendships, have a good job, finished graduate school and keep busy with church, yoga, volunteer, etc. I've done a lot of moving around in the past two years, as I figured the only time to do it was when I was in my 20s. I've only had two serious relationships and both I stayed in for far too long. My last one ended about two years ago now, but should've ended sooner. I put up with behavior that I shouldn't have, I think because I was afraid of being alone and of course was in love with him, so was a bit blinded. I've spent the past two years enjoying my time on my own. It has been nice to feel so "free" - can do what I want, when I want without having to answer to anyone. Whenever I've been a relationship they really weighed me down and just weren't emotionally healthy. Now the thought of getting into a relationship seems a bit scary, and I almost feel like I don't have the time for it. I haven't met anyone that I feel remotely smitten with either. If that were the case, I know that I would happily make time and prioritize them. I'm currently living across the country from my family. It's an exciting city, but also a city that people don't really settle down in. I don't feel committed to this city by any means, as it's a fun place but not necessarily somewhere I want to stay and make home and very expensive. My job is fine, but I'm also not necessarily married to it. I'm sure there are elements that I would miss about it, but I am just starting to feel that other than having a job, there is nothing for me to stay for, and I would be open to moving elsewhere if a new opportunity arose. I'm thinking either another city that I love (NYC) or closer to my parents and have received a couple of interviews in both places. I'm 27 and not married, and this is a bit embarrassing for me. I also don't feel like I'm anywhere close, as I'm not even in a stable relationship and that is something that I really seek. At the same time, I guess my life hasn't been all that stable with moving around so much. Instead of seeking adventure now, I'm really starting to seek stability. I'm really ready to make somewhere home and being building a life with a person, I'm just not sure if I would regret it if I were to move back closer to my parents. Overall, it just seems like marriage isn't in the cards for me, and that's really sad to think about. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 You don't say but are you going out and socialising where you live now? Do you have hobbies? You also say you feel you don't have much time for relationships and that you're not interested in someone right now...but you really want a stable relationship. Also, you say you stayed with one of the last guys because you were scared of being alone...so is that why you are embarrassed not to be married? Because you don't want to be alone? People have told me before that really seeking a relationship is not a good idea. Put yourself out there and let things happen but don't be desperate otherwise it evades you. When you really want it, this is difficult to see though so I know how you feel I am older than you, I have graduated twice. I do a rubbish job that no one with a functioning brain should be proud to get up and go to in the morning. I am single with no prospect of a relationship anywhere in the near (or any) future...so in your case, I would say it could be far worse To me (from your post) it sounds like you don't go out much and meet people so this could be holding you back a little? Just a thought... Oh and good luck with your interviews! Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Do you have any idea how utterly silly you sound? Here you are with some great opportunities coming up and you are clearly a bright and intelligent woman but still defining your self on your relationship status? We oldies look at your age and laugh! You have plenty of time! Go out enjoy what you have, do the things you enjoy and stop being so hung up on being single. If you are not all that happy with the town you are in go and work somewhere where you want to be! Your young! Enjoy it before everything starts sagging and you have to worry about tena lady! 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Cupid's Puppet Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Your post sounds so similar to how I've been feeling lately that I want to wear a shirt on me that says, "I'm with Stupid." I mean that jokingly of course. I'm pretty sure we live in the same city where forming relationships, romantic or platonic, is extremely difficult. I suspect you want us to tell you how your life will go or that there is a ton of hope for you? I can't really do that, but I will say that if you give up on looking, then you definitely won't find anyone. It's not like you're going to be home in pajamas one day and you get a knock at the door like, "Bam! Bam! This is Prince Charming open up." Are you like many women who thought they'd be married by a certain age but after finding out they wouldn't, feel "over the hill" or shelf leftovers? If so, your feelings are very common and is largely driven by societal expectations more than your own probably. My advice is to just take each day at a time. Always look your best and go each day determined to be happy regardless of your marital status. And don't be embarrassed. There are a lot of us still unmarried. It doesn't make us unworthy. Hell, some may say it makes us smart lol. It's just a status. I broke it down to my therapist like this. Everyone has a 50/50 shot at getting married. 50 percent not too bad. But when you get married, there is a 50% chance you'll be happily married. So I see it like you really have a 25% chance at being with someone you love the rest of your life. Pretty small odds. Point I want to make is don't place marriage so high on a pedestal. Just keep seeking human companionship in every way, then let the cards fall as they may. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Does it matter that you're not married?. Why or why not? Most of my friends and I are not married at your age or older. There is nothing strange or embarrassing about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Man.. if you're giving up at 27, I'm doomed at 36 Seriously, take a deep breath and let it go for a while. The world is a big place. Who can say where you'll be in 2 years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I'm all for "not looking" and focusing on myself, and I've cultivated a lot of great friendships, have a good job, finished graduate school and keep busy with church, yoga, volunteer, etc. It has been nice to feel so "free" - can do what I want, when I want without having to answer to anyone. Whenever I've been a relationship they really weighed me down and just weren't emotionally healthy. Now the thought of getting into a relationship seems a bit scary, and I almost feel like I don't have the time for it. I'm thinking either another city that I love (NYC) You are perfect for NYC. I've been here majority of my life and you are the typical woman I keep encountering. Don't mean to generalize, but NYC is a haven for single people that just want to have fun, career-oriented, and not worry about getting into a relationship. Plus the convenience of everything being walking distance, or quick subway ride away, will trap you here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Summer Lovin Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Thanks for all of the responses. I guess my fear is if I go to another energetic city then I truly won't settle down. I'm just living my life, doing things that I enjoy, making friendships along the way.. Another option is to relocate back closer to my family. While I don't have a boyfriend there, I guess it would be comforting to be near my family again. My fear is that I would regret it and get bored, as it's certainly not a culturally diverse area with a lot to do. In fact most people there have kids now. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Sassie - do what makes YOU happy! Sod the rest of it! If you think you will enjoy something give it a go! If you hate it you can always change it! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I was 39 when I met my husband & 41 when we married. It was a 1st marriage for both of us. One of my BFFs is getting married for the 1st time in April. She is 49. 27 . . . you're a mere lass. However, if you do want to get married, what are you doing to meet people? When I decided I wanted to settle down I made myself be social. I did OLD. I went to at least 2 social events per week, although sometimes I counted some of the business networking meetings I attended as social thing if I did more flirting the business. You have to take charge of your own life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Melrapuo Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Your story sounds almost exactly like mine (except I'm 28 and a guy). But everyone is giving you great advice. Just gotta get out there and do things you'll like. If you do that, you're bound to meet someone you can call your future husband. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I don't think most people are married w/ kids at 27. I do think that a LOT of people who are married in their early 20s will get divorced. Would you prefer that? I'm 31 and not married, does not bother me one bit. What age do you think people "should" get married at? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Summer Lovin Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I guess I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm doing with my life. Going out on dates, trying to put myself out there and engage in activities that I enjoy doing myself. I think it's unlikely that I'm going to meet my husband where I'm currently living though. I've been here for almost two years, and there are no developments whatsoever. If there were, I'd be happy prioritize that development. I also don't think my odds would be very good if I were to go to another large city such as NYC. While a lot of fun and great places to be when single, I don't think those are the places to necessarily settle down. I guess right now I am just trying to decide if it would be wise to relocate back near my parents. At least then I would have family nearby even if I wasn't in a relationship. I feel cold feet about potentially doing that though, as it's much slower paced and not as much going on - I just wouldn't want to regret it even if I were to obtain employment there. I wouldn't move in with my parents again, but get my own place/ life there. I know my parents are getting older though and I do think that they prefer I was closer. Right now where I'm living - there is a lot to do for people that are young, it's just not the best place to settle down in.. So I feel a bit lost. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I think you have better prospects to find somebody in a place with a larger population. You don't necessarily have to settle down there but you may meet somebody. If you do go home, who are you going to meet, guys you went to high school with? Make a commitment to yourself to do at least 1 thing per week to meet new people. Do that for at least 3 months & see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 My goodness I was divorced by 27 and marriage was the last thing on my mind. I felt I had given up so much by marrying young at 23. You are still young with plenty of time to meet and marry the right man. Don't give up at 27. Link to post Share on other sites
sportygirl89 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) Relax just meet some people. I had thrown my self into grad school (I still live in hometown, Special note: I have my own apartment), and a lot of my friends moved away or we out grew each other. I actually told one of the girls at my gym how I felt about being alone (friend wise). She's been trying to invite me out to things when she knows of stuff. I got involved in a second gym (more specialized in group community). While I will never personally date someone ever again from the gym where I go to at any place. I started going to church again. This isn't a super conservative church or anything. I've met a lot of people. I've seen some cute guys. While I'm not being immediately "Want to go out for coffee." I am trying to get to know everyone in the singles/professional group first. I want a friends first type of relationship. I try to go to every social event as long as it doesn't interfere with my studying in grad school. I've been single for the last two years. I've tried online dating, but area is really sketchy in this area. So I won't do it anymore. I used to feel lonely being alone. Then I got a dog and two cats. You have to change your environment if you're not seeing what you want. My brother told me after his 5 year relationship ended (you have to do what makes you happy). While I would welcome a new boyfriend. I am not going out to look for someone. While I do see cute guys at this church single's group I want to get to know them first as friends. My main focus is to get through this hard grad degree. Who knows who I'll meet between now and when I graduate anyways! Even a year is a long time. Got to have hope and faith everything will work out. Just focus on you. Edited February 11, 2015 by sportygirl89 Link to post Share on other sites
E-Squared Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I am 28 and I am far from married. I don't really have many, if any, dating prospects at the moment. I may be attracted to a few, but that is it. I am not really talking to anybody either. One thing that I can say is that I look at people who I graduated high school with and they all have families of their own and in some ways, I feel behind, but at the same time, I wonder if I really am ready to settle down. Hell, I have never been in a long-term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 It's 2015...I find it strange that a woman of 27 would resign herself to being alone forever simply because she isn't married yet. Lots of women in this day and age don't marry until later, so don't resign just yet. I'm the same age and when I was maybe 16 I thought I'd for sure be married with kids now but currently, I can't fathom it and don't want to be married with kids right now. I will most likely marry in my 30s and have kids then too. Point is: it is no longer really the norm to be married very young especially if you're educated and for me 27 is hardly the age of an old spinster, which is how you're making it seem. Also, embarrassing, I don't get that. How is it embarrassing? Do the people you know value nothing beyond a woman finding a husband so think you a failure because you don't have one yet? Love happens when it happens and you can't put a time frame on it and people find love or a spouse at different ages and there is no law that one should be married off by 27. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 There are guys that will die without even having kissed a girl let alone marriage and the rest. Man (or woman? Is there an equivalent expression) up!! *responding to the OP in the same manner as struggling men are always responded to on this message board. Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 sassiechik, only about 35-40% or so of 27-year-olds are married. You are in the majority. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 sassiechik, only about 35-40% or so of 27-year-olds are married. You are in the majority. wtf. Is that a true statistic? That seems way too high to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Charles and Layo Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Honestly, i don't think there is anything wrong with being 27 and not married yet. What matters most is what you do with the time that you have now. Getting yourself busy with church and work is a good place to begin with but more specifically, i would ask that you take some time out to really get into some personal development. The period of being single is actually one of the best times in an individual's life because you can use the time to plan and prepare for the days and years ahead. use this period to train and prepare yourself for the marriage itself. People who prepare for life always turn out better. John Maxwell said "I have found that every minute spent in preparation saves ten in execution" I am glad you found the courage to move on from your last relationship having discovered it wasn't the best for you because that is something not many people are bold enough to do. little wonder why statistics proves that many divorcees ended up divorcing for something they saw before they got married rather than something they got to discover after they got married. Also, it is rather too early to assume that marriage may not be for you. In marriage matters, its not about how fast but how well. You have no idea how many people your age are already divorced for rushing into marriage unprepared! Wishing you the best in life and a great marriage as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 wtf. Is that a true statistic? That seems way too high to me. Not to me it doesn't. Most of the people I know in that age range are not married. Early 30's seems to be the popular age these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Any advice? Im turning 34 in 3 weeks. My last serious relationship ended when I was 28. Haven't really dated seriously since. I live alone with my cat. It's not the end of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Jethro Posted February 13, 2015 Share Posted February 13, 2015 Any advice? Yeah, be god damn happy you aren't married!! As in count your lucky stars! Marriage is garbage. Link to post Share on other sites
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