Marriage with verbal & emotional abuse...is it ok to leave

[BlueIris]

it's hard cuz he can be so kind and supportive and we've been through so much. I have so much guilt about wanting to leave. I just resent him so much and I'm no longer on love with him. If I saw a guy treating my girl friend the way he treats me I'd tell her to leave immediately. So why is it so confusing when it's me?

...

There's this cognitive dissonance going on in my mind right now.

 

I feel so scared and when I'm honest with myself I know I want to leave. And wanting to leave him scares me for so many reasons. And it makes me sad to leave my home and split up my family.

 

Sorry for any grammar errors. I'm on my phone and it's hard to type.

 

It IS confusing. He makes it confusing. I was scared too and that is part of it, making you scared. I too felt a cognitive dissonance. That's very common in the situation you're in.

 

Try this. Try making your plan. Start to plan out how you will leave in the most safe way possible. Think through the steps you would take and the order in which you would take them. Copying important documents. Getting a safe deposit box in a new bank. How would you stash money to pay cash for things? Where would you go? What people would help and be secretive and what people wouldn't? Will anyone give or loan you money? How do you wipe your internet history? Can you get your car, phone and computer checked and cleared for tracking? What steps come first? Look up exit plans for DV. The process of planning will strengthen you. Also, there are message boards specifically for abuse and DV support and they give great advice and support. PM me if you want the name of the one I went to way back when.

 

You can do this.

[ComingInHot]

Kaela,

Get out now before you spend the next 10 years allowing your daughter and you to be abused.

I didn't leave because it was my fault that he got so angry.

I didn't leave because in between the verbal lashings and screaming tirades, he was wonderful and kind and everything I loved about him.

I didn't leave because he would take everything from me including our children.

I didn't leave because I trusted him with my livelihood and he used my credit then fed me to the sharks and wouldn't help to make it right.

I didn't leave when he started yelling and screaming at our kids even though I would put myself between them (hoping he would finally hit me so I could leave)

I never left because he was too smart to 'leave a mark' that I could go to the police with.

 

Then he cheated and all of the above was just a big old waste of my time and our kids' time.

 

I still didn't feel like I should leave at first because: I made a vow til death do us part.

 

Let me tell you something, God might call us to marriage for better or worse, richer or poorer, til death do us part, BUT Honey, He Never Called Us to be some man's verbal, emotional and mental Punching Bag or Door Mat. That is what you are to him.

 

Leave now before he screws with your credit and finances and makes it even harder to support yourself and child one your own.

Gosh dang, if I'm right, You Won't Do It. You won't leave yet because you still see that little tiny part of him that he pulls out just for you when he sees you finally stepping away...

 

Praying for you to have more courage sooner than I did, to do the right thing by leaving.

Both for you and your daughter.

CiH*

[PinkInTheLimo]

For most of 2001 I had a relationship with a guy who was in many aspects the perfect boyfriend: seemed to be crazy about me, romantic, gifts, inviting me to restaurants, always holding hands. But he also had a mean streak and when I said or did something he did not like, he got very mean and insulted me. Calling me "you stupid cow" and using things I had told him in confidence against me.

 

Because the good things were really good I was very puzzled by his behaviour and did not want to give up on him. I thought it was my fault and tried to do more my best. With time I noticed that this guy was sucking the life out of me. Eventually we broke up.

 

I was devastated after the break-up because I did not really understand what happened. How could a good relationship make me feel so bad?

 

Eventually I found a book by Lundy Bancroft which is called "Why does he do that?" You HAVE TO read that book because it's the best book I have ever read about emotional abuse. It explains that the abusive behaviour does not happen by coincidence but has a purpose: control. Because you know that he can at all times explode you will always do your best to please him.

 

This is a toxic situation and it would be best to leave. It will never change, and probably get worse.

If you want to leave, prepare your exit carefully. Be rational and calculated (difficult I know).The moment he feels he is losing his grip on you he will become even more violent. Tape his outbursts so that you have evidence against him. In my country emotional abuse is a crime, the problem is often to prove it.

I think I remember that Bancroft says in his book that couples therapy is not a good idea in this situation. There is no level playing field. He sees you as his possession and you have to do what he wants. The moment you display an individual personality he hates it because it means that he lost control.

 

Life is short. Don't stay in a situation which makes you and your child deeply unhappy.

 

This ex of mine quickly had a new girlfriend after me, he even married her and they have a kid. I often wonder how he behaves with her. She seems like someone very bland, maybe she never contradicts him. Anyway, not my problem. I dodged a bullet there.

Edited February 11, 2015 by PinkInTheLimo

[PinkInTheLimo]

I actually feel physically nauseated from just typing that.........Deja Vu

 

I can understand... Good that you got out.

[BeatsByDirk]

I've had some issues with rage. It was typical for me between 10-14 but when I started going to an all boy school I stopped getting them and didn't have one for 18 years. Triggers: crazy mom, crazy wife.

I started talking to a therapist about it because I hate it. I have little control during the first five minutes and as I'm screaming in rage there's another person inside of me watching trying to talk me down crying please don't hit anyone and I haven't but if we can't resolve the issues of rage I'm going to leave my wife.

She doesn't cause my rage, it's me, but she's a trigger.

The therapist said, and I agree/feel the same way, that when someone goes into a fit of rage it's because they want to shut the other person down, not deal with the present circumstances.

I never know when they are coming but after they happen there is a common situation from which they arose.

Usually I'm doing my best to stay positive, working as hard as I can and inevitably my mom or wife would be hyper critical of my performance and ask things of me that are just flat impossible.

I literally feel a snap in my brain and my consciousness gets pushed to the back and the beast comes out. Might I add I'm physically imposing, it's very scary, for me too. I try to leave the house as fast as I can but it's hard not to say the most hurtful things I can think of as I leave, I'll usually punch a wall and break a chair on the way out, which really just costs me money and pain.

Couples counseling only helps if you both want to change your behaviors.

If you were my wife writing this and I was your husband writing this response I would tell my wife:

Just leave! I'm tired of your bad attitude and heavy demands, I'm trying my hardest but if your not happy still just go, I can't help you and you can't help me, you only enrage me or I tolerate your presence. I'm still here because I promised you I would be and I love my children. If I'm just going to end up going into rage three times a year when we turn into fire and gasoline then I'd rather not do this, save me the jail time, you the scars, and the children the pain of watching.

We started going to couples counseling before I ever had a rage issue in this relationship, I really feel like putting in the effort to go to counseling and still getting the same results/attitude from my wife brought me to a point where I feel more hopeless and trapped which then, in turn, put me in a place where I just want to shut her down when she's asking irrational things from me. Low calories and low sleep also contribute to less self control.

[loveboid]

I had a critical mother too. I just found this article that helped me a lot and thought it would help you:

 

https://hbr.org/2014/03/why-are-some-people-so-critical/

[PinkInTheLimo]

Just leave! I'm tired of your bad attitude and heavy demands, I'm trying my hardest but if your not happy still just go, I can't help you and you can't help me, you only enrage me or I tolerate your presence. I'm still here because I promised you I would be and I love my children. If I'm just going to end up going into rage three times a year when we turn into fire and gasoline then I'd rather not do this, save me the jail time, you the scars, and the children the pain of watching.

 

Excuses, excuses, excuses. You are the kind of guy Lundy Bancroft describes in his book.

You refuse to take responsibility for your anger outbursts. It's your mother, or it's your wife. No it isn't. It's YOU. And you can also leave if you think there are too many demands on you.

[loveboid]

Pink, I thought it was a candid post. Often the woman thinks she's staying in the relationship to save him when in reality he doesn't want her saving. She cannot save him anyway if she tried.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Pink, I thought it was a candid post. Often the woman thinks she's staying in the relationship to save him when in reality he doesn't want her saving. She cannot save him anyway if she tried.

 

I don't know what post you are talking about. Mine or someone else's here?

 

But you are absolutely right. No one can save an abuser. Nor change him. He won't change because he gets too much positives out of his behaviour like being the constant center of attention of his wife.

 

And the fact that one was abused as a child is no excuse. I was severely abused as a child and I don't feel the need to abuse others. I have had extreme reactions in the past but I went into counselling for them and I deal with things very differently now.

Edited February 12, 2015 by PinkInTheLimo

[autumnnight]

I've had some issues with rage. It was typical for me between 10-14 but when I started going to an all boy school I stopped getting them and didn't have one for 18 years. Triggers: crazy mom, crazy wife.

I started talking to a therapist about it because I hate it. I have little control during the first five minutes and as I'm screaming in rage there's another person inside of me watching trying to talk me down crying please don't hit anyone and I haven't but if we can't resolve the issues of rage I'm going to leave my wife.

She doesn't cause my rage, it's me, but she's a trigger.

The therapist said, and I agree/feel the same way, that when someone goes into a fit of rage it's because they want to shut the other person down, not deal with the present circumstances.

I never know when they are coming but after they happen there is a common situation from which they arose.

Usually I'm doing my best to stay positive, working as hard as I can and inevitably my mom or wife would be hyper critical of my performance and ask things of me that are just flat impossible.

I literally feel a snap in my brain and my consciousness gets pushed to the back and the beast comes out. Might I add I'm physically imposing, it's very scary, for me too. I try to leave the house as fast as I can but it's hard not to say the most hurtful things I can think of as I leave, I'll usually punch a wall and break a chair on the way out, which really just costs me money and pain.

Couples counseling only helps if you both want to change your behaviors.

If you were my wife writing this and I was your husband writing this response I would tell my wife:

Just leave! I'm tired of your bad attitude and heavy demands, I'm trying my hardest but if your not happy still just go, I can't help you and you can't help me, you only enrage me or I tolerate your presence. I'm still here because I promised you I would be and I love my children. If I'm just going to end up going into rage three times a year when we turn into fire and gasoline then I'd rather not do this, save me the jail time, you the scars, and the children the pain of watching.

We started going to couples counseling before I ever had a rage issue in this relationship, I really feel like putting in the effort to go to counseling and still getting the same results/attitude from my wife brought me to a point where I feel more hopeless and trapped which then, in turn, put me in a place where I just want to shut her down when she's asking irrational things from me. Low calories and low sleep also contribute to less self control.

 

No offense, but this is one long rant about not taking responsibility for your actions. No one can MAKE you lose control.

[elaine567]

No offense, but this is one long rant about not taking responsibility for your actions. No one can MAKE you lose control.

Yes,

BeatsByDirk

Thing is, if your wife was 20 stone of ripped muscle would you be doing this? and would you be punching walls and breaking chairs on the way out?

I doubt it very much.

Your wife is not to blame here, YOU ARE

[elaine567]

I'm scared without me there, he'll treat our child badly. Since he's lost me to fight with what if he turns it on her? As it is, he's never been abusive to her. As she gets older he seems to lose his temper more easily though...

 

YOU are seriously considering leaving without her????!!

 

Prepare well, do NOT tell him you are leaving (v. dangerous), and then you leave to a safe place, and you take your child with you, before this all gets worse, as it surely will.

[carhill]

Yep, form a plan of action with a safe place to go to, save up or social hack enough money to pay to file for a D with a DRO and hit the button all at one time. The rest will sort itself out. I'd say the same thing to a man with an abusive wife. In fact I have.

 

If he gets 'better', he'll hopefully have a happier life and be a more productive co-parent.

 

Here's a good reason why a clear and cogent plan of action is necessary:

 

http://news.yahoo.com/man-convicted-killing-wife-day-she-filed-divorce-195432722.html

[BlueIris]

YOU are seriously considering leaving without her????!!

 

Prepare well, do NOT tell him you are leaving (v. dangerous), and then you leave to a safe place, and you take your child with you, before this all gets worse, as it surely will.

 

Maybe she's concerned that he will mistreat their child during his parenting time post-divorce? Many abuse targets are very concerned about that and stay in so that they can act as a barrier between the abuser and child(ren). Realistically, both parents usually get visitation or parenting time unless there is clear and convincing evidence of violence. I don't know if that's what OP meant, but I've seen LOTS of parents stay for only this reason.

[BeatsByDirk]

Thanks for some of the evil misinterpretations of what I shared.

I think I tried to offer my side of this as person with rage issues.

I said it was me and my problem.

I recognized what triggers my reaction but take responsibility for it being me.

If you've never experienced rage don't comment on control, do people control anxiety attacks? Not usually. Can people with bi-polar control the manic and the depression... No, but with help and awareness you can try to lessen the severity and frequency.

I'm working with a therapist to try to recognize the patterns and stop the behavior... But, if I can't stop the behavior, if it stays the same or gets worse, I recognize maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship with this person.

We go to marriage counseling and individual counseling.

I have confronted people bigger than me, older than me, more seniority/influence... I'm not a little bit**! I've been jumped by gang memebers and just had to take it but I've also been beat up and talked trash to the person the entire time.

I've been screamed at and hit by women, I haven't hit one though I'd like to very much the same way I would live to back over some men with my car.

No excuses, I have a problem but one form of fixing problems is environmental control, the 18 year rage free had an environment where I didn't live a crazy, mean, demanding, depressed person who like to blame me for their situation. I had 3 great rommates over 12 years... No rage.

Violence, verbal violence agaisnt people, not just women, is wrong!

I just wanted to tell OP it was ok to leave because this is almost an impossible battle when your heart is in it but if your hearts not in it, don't waste time energy and money fighting to keep something you don't want anymore. Plus I don't think you can help him because, as I was trying to portray in my long post, these issues can be firmly engrained from childhood experiences.

Still I wish OP luck and safety.

Edited February 12, 2015 by BeatsByDirk

[loveboid]

I don't know what post you are talking about. Mine or someone else's here?

 

BeatsByDirk's post.

[autumnnight]

Thanks for some of the evil misinterpretations of what I shared.

I think I tried to offer my side of this as person with rage issues.

I said it was me and my problem.

I recognized what triggers my reaction but take responsibility for it being me.

If you've never experienced rage don't comment on control, do people control anxiety attacks? Not usually. Can people with bi-polar control the manic and the depression... No, but with help and awareness you can try to lessen the severity and frequency.

I'm working with a therapist to try to recognize the patterns and stop the behavior... But, if I can't stop the behavior, if it stays the same or gets worse, I recognize maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship with this person.

We go to marriage counseling and individual counseling.

I have confronted people bigger than me, older than me, more seniority/influence... I'm not a little bit**! I've been jumped by gang memebers and just had to take it but I've also been beat up and talked trash to the person the entire time.

I've been screamed at and hit by women, I haven't hit one though I'd like to very much the same way I would live to back over some men with my car.

No excuses, I have a problem but one form of fixing problems is environmental control, the 18 year rage free had an environment where I didn't live a crazy, mean, demanding, depressed person who like to blame me for their situation. I had 3 great rommates over 12 years... No rage.

Violence, verbal violence agaisnt people, not just women, is wrong!

I just wanted to tell OP it was ok to leave because this is almost an impossible battle when your heart is in it but if your hearts not in it, don't waste time energy and money fighting to keep something you don't want anymore. Plus I don't think you can help him because, as I was trying to portray in my long post, these issues can be firmly engrained from childhood experiences.

Still I wish OP luck and safety.

 

Actually, I do know exactly what it is to have rage issues.....and saying that someone else triggers it is NOT taking responsibility. No one can MAKE you lose control. Period.

[Kaela]

It IS confusing. He makes it confusing. I was scared too and that is part of it, making you scared. I too felt a cognitive dissonance. That's very common in the situation you're in.

 

Try this. Try making your plan. Start to plan out how you will leave in the most safe way possible. Think through the steps you would take and the order in which you would take them. Copying important documents. Getting a safe deposit box in a new bank. How would you stash money to pay cash for things? Where would you go? What people would help and be secretive and what people wouldn't? Will anyone give or loan you money? How do you wipe your internet history? Can you get your car, phone and computer checked and cleared for tracking? What steps come first? Look up exit plans for DV. The process of planning will strengthen you. Also, there are message boards specifically for abuse and DV support and they give great advice and support. PM me if you want the name of the one I went to way back when.

 

You can do this.

 

Thank you. I'm going to PM you now.

[Kaela]

It IS confusing. He makes it confusing. I was scared too and that is part of it, making you scared. I too felt a cognitive dissonance. That's very common in the situation you're in.

 

Try this. Try making your plan. Start to plan out how you will leave in the most safe way possible. Think through the steps you would take and the order in which you would take them. Copying important documents. Getting a safe deposit box in a new bank. How would you stash money to pay cash for things? Where would you go? What people would help and be secretive and what people wouldn't? Will anyone give or loan you money? How do you wipe your internet history? Can you get your car, phone and computer checked and cleared for tracking? What steps come first? Look up exit plans for DV. The process of planning will strengthen you. Also, there are message boards specifically for abuse and DV support and they give great advice and support. PM me if you want the name of the one I went to way back when.

 

You can do this.

 

....Okay I can't figure out how to send you a PM. Would you send me one instead?

[Kaela]

For most of 2001 I had a relationship with a guy who was in many aspects the perfect boyfriend: seemed to be crazy about me, romantic, gifts, inviting me to restaurants, always holding hands. But he also had a mean streak and when I said or did something he did not like, he got very mean and insulted me. Calling me "you stupid cow" and using things I had told him in confidence against me.

 

Because the good things were really good I was very puzzled by his behaviour and did not want to give up on him. I thought it was my fault and tried to do more my best. With time I noticed that this guy was sucking the life out of me. Eventually we broke up.

 

I was devastated after the break-up because I did not really understand what happened. How could a good relationship make me feel so bad?

 

Eventually I found a book by Lundy Bancroft which is called "Why does he do that?" You HAVE TO read that book because it's the best book I have ever read about emotional abuse. It explains that the abusive behaviour does not happen by coincidence but has a purpose: control. Because you know that he can at all times explode you will always do your best to please him.

 

This is a toxic situation and it would be best to leave. It will never change, and probably get worse.

If you want to leave, prepare your exit carefully. Be rational and calculated (difficult I know).The moment he feels he is losing his grip on you he will become even more violent. Tape his outbursts so that you have evidence against him. In my country emotional abuse is a crime, the problem is often to prove it.

I think I remember that Bancroft says in his book that couples therapy is not a good idea in this situation. There is no level playing field. He sees you as his possession and you have to do what he wants. The moment you display an individual personality he hates it because it means that he lost control.

 

Life is short. Don't stay in a situation which makes you and your child deeply unhappy.

 

This ex of mine quickly had a new girlfriend after me, he even married her and they have a kid. I often wonder how he behaves with her. She seems like someone very bland, maybe she never contradicts him. Anyway, not my problem. I dodged a bullet there.

 

I'm scared to tape him because it will make him even more angry. Also, I wonder if it would hold up in court if he didn't know he was being recorded...

[Kaela]

I've had some issues with rage. It was typical for me between 10-14 but when I started going to an all boy school I stopped getting them and didn't have one for 18 years. Triggers: crazy mom, crazy wife.

I started talking to a therapist about it because I hate it. I have little control during the first five minutes and as I'm screaming in rage there's another person inside of me watching trying to talk me down crying please don't hit anyone and I haven't but if we can't resolve the issues of rage I'm going to leave my wife.

She doesn't cause my rage, it's me, but she's a trigger.

The therapist said, and I agree/feel the same way, that when someone goes into a fit of rage it's because they want to shut the other person down, not deal with the present circumstances.

I never know when they are coming but after they happen there is a common situation from which they arose.

Usually I'm doing my best to stay positive, working as hard as I can and inevitably my mom or wife would be hyper critical of my performance and ask things of me that are just flat impossible.

I literally feel a snap in my brain and my consciousness gets pushed to the back and the beast comes out. Might I add I'm physically imposing, it's very scary, for me too. I try to leave the house as fast as I can but it's hard not to say the most hurtful things I can think of as I leave, I'll usually punch a wall and break a chair on the way out, which really just costs me money and pain.

Couples counseling only helps if you both want to change your behaviors.

If you were my wife writing this and I was your husband writing this response I would tell my wife:

Just leave! I'm tired of your bad attitude and heavy demands, I'm trying my hardest but if your not happy still just go, I can't help you and you can't help me, you only enrage me or I tolerate your presence. I'm still here because I promised you I would be and I love my children. If I'm just going to end up going into rage three times a year when we turn into fire and gasoline then I'd rather not do this, save me the jail time, you the scars, and the children the pain of watching.

We started going to couples counseling before I ever had a rage issue in this relationship, I really feel like putting in the effort to go to counseling and still getting the same results/attitude from my wife brought me to a point where I feel more hopeless and trapped which then, in turn, put me in a place where I just want to shut her down when she's asking irrational things from me. Low calories and low sleep also contribute to less self control.

 

 

Thank you for sharing honestly. I think it's great that you can admit that you have rage problems. It might help you to read some books by Patricia Evans. Look her up. I hope your counselor helps you, but I'd recommend finding one that specializes in abuse.

 

Good luck to you.

[Kaela]

YOU are seriously considering leaving without her????!!

 

Prepare well, do NOT tell him you are leaving (v. dangerous), and then you leave to a safe place, and you take your child with you, before this all gets worse, as it surely will.

 

OMG of course not!!! I mean that if I leave him and the courts grant him partial custody that they will be together part of the time without me.

I'd NEVER leave my child! I won't even leave my dog.

[elaine567]

OMG of course not!!! I mean that if I leave him and the courts grant him partial custody that they will be together part of the time without me.

I'd NEVER leave my child! I won't even leave my dog.

 

Good, take the dog too.

Try and get some evidence of the abuse before you leave, so that you can show the courts the type of man he really is. Some of these men can be really charming to others.

Audio recording or video if you can. Call the police if you think you are in danger too.

Police records supporting your case may work in your favour

[BlueIris]

....Okay I can't figure out how to send you a PM. Would you send me one instead?

 

Poo. I can't PM you either. I think you might have to post lots of posts here first before the PM privilege kicks in.

[BlueIris]

I'm scared to tape him because it will make him even more angry. Also, I wonder if it would hold up in court if he didn't know he was being recorded...

 

What I did was apologize for being provocative and not remembering what really happened (he claimed I never remembered) so I asked if I could record our conversations and take them to my therapist to help me figure out what was wrong with me. Every single time it made him stop- proving that he DID have control over how he acted. It's touchy though, and risky. Follow your instincts on this. We become highly attuned to where the danger zones lie, so you will know what is safe to do and what isn't.