Contacting ex after more than 4 months NC

[L0nleyDude]

Have you as the dumpee reached out to the dumper if you have been NC for more than 4 months? How did it end up?

[kacper]

I just reached out after 3 months. Went better than I thought. We traded some catch-up texts, that lead to a long phone call. Then we traded some IM's. Feels like the air is clear between us, but I dropped some hints at meeting up, that she deflected. Progress, but no breakthrough.

[L0nleyDude]

I just reached out after 3 months. Went better than I thought. We traded some catch-up texts, that lead to a long phone call. Then we traded some IM's. Feels like the air is clear between us, but I dropped some hints at meeting up, that she deflected. Progress, but no breakthrough.

 

What was the reason for the break up? Also how did you approach contacting her after 3 months NC?

[The Poster]

There isn't really any time table for these things. People reconnect after 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, a year, two years, etc.

[L0nleyDude]

There isn't really any time table for these things. People reconnect after 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, a year, two years, etc.

 

I realize there is no time frame was just a question for dumpees that have taken some significant time away from each other and if they tried to reconnect

[Jimmyjackson]

If you're the dumpee you stay in NC. If the dumper contacts you then you can decide what you want to do with it.

[kacper]

I was aloof and took her for granted. Mostly because I obsessed with work.

 

I decided to sort myself out. Gym, yoga, counseling, and got a puppy. I eventually played the puppy card after 3 months of NC.

 

I kept it light and playful. Sent her a text asking if she wanted to meet the puppy. She responded with some questions. I did the same. Didn't bring up relationship stuff. When I eventually did, I kept it positive.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's a bad idea unless you are completely healed and have no expectations. Even then I'd be hesitant to do it though. I did it after I was healed from 5.5 months of No Contact. After months of sporadic contact, I realized that she had some unresolved resentments, so I answered her questions and told her that I wasn't interested in rehashing or replaying the past anymore and that we probably shouldn't talk until she gets over it.

 

That was a year-and-a-half ago. Since then we've talked a few times (which were friendlier than before) and even ran into each other once. The run-in was fine, she was happy to see me and it was really no big deal for me, in fact, I was amazed at how little it actually affected me. But I just don't have a big interest in talking to her or hanging out with her, so we haven't spoken for months.

 

Honestly, if you are looking to reunite with her romantically, chasing isn't a great idea. If you truly don't care, then I guess go for it, though there are probably things that are a more worth use of your time than that.

[dumbass2]

She should be the one to contact you if you are looking for reconciliation. My ex contacted me after 3 months of NC. Nothing has come of it and I feel indifferent after time away and seeing some of the same antics out of her.

 

I suggest not doing it and only responding if you feel if she contacts you and nobody can tell you if or when that might happen, so you have to move forward.

[Mi7522]

If you are 4 months NC then you are still pining over her, let it go dude. The best way for a dumpee to get a dumper back is to dump them themselves, metaphorically speaking. Stay NC or you more than likely will regret it

Edited February 9, 2015 by Mi7522

[Jimmyjackson]

It's a bad idea unless you are completely healed and have no expectations. Even then I'd be hesitant to do it though. I did it after I was healed from 5.5 months of No Contact. After months of sporadic contact, I realized that she had some unresolved resentments, so I answered her questions and told her that I wasn't interested in rehashing or replaying the past anymore and that we probably shouldn't talk until she gets over it.

 

That was a year-and-a-half ago. Since then we've talked a few times (which were friendlier than before) and even ran into each other once. The run-in was fine, she was happy to see me and it was really no big deal for me, in fact, I was amazed at how little it actually affected me. But I just don't have a big interest in talking to her or hanging out with her, so we haven't spoken for months.

 

Honestly, if you are looking to reunite with her romantically, chasing isn't a great idea. If you truly don't care, then I guess go for it, though there are probably things that are a more worth use of your time than that.

 

Also, I think if you don't care and have no expectations, what's the point in reaching out?

[organizedchaos]

I realize there is no time frame was just a question for dumpees that have taken some significant time away from each other and if they tried to reconnect

 

4 months is not a significant amount of time.

[kacper]

If a reconciliation is what you are after, I would take all this NC stuff with a grain of salt. I agree that if you want to get over her, it is the only option. But if you want to make amends, then NC is not always the way to go.

 

In my case we split up because I was too closed off and didn't talk. NC only CONFIRMS that I am unable or unwilling to talk. How is that suppose to help the situation?

 

I'm of the mind that a certain amount of NC is necessary. You are too much of a jumble of emotions to think or act clearly. How much time needs to pass is up to you. Use your friends as a barometer. If they think you are getting back to normal, then trust that they know you. Also, I reckon enough time needs to pass to put the old relationship in its grave. You both need to mentally divorce yourself from the relationship. They say it takes about 11 weeks to break a habit, so that could be a something to consider.

 

In the cases I have been able to re-ignite something, I timed it right. I reached out at a time that I suspected she was feeling open and receptive. How did I know that? Common friends, and social network.

 

Oh, one more thing...When I did reach out, I did so with something very light and casual. No big speeches. No proclamations. Believe me, I have all those speeches and proclamations in my back pocket, but its not the time. If you keep it light and causal, and it falls on deaf ears, you can circle back in a few weeks or months to test the waters again, and it won't seem weird. If you come at her with proclamations, then you can't circle back in a few weeks without looking like your mental.

 

Good luck.

[L0nleyDude]

If a reconciliation is what you are after, I would take all this NC stuff with a grain of salt. I agree that if you want to get over her, it is the only option. But if you want to make amends, then NC is not always the way to go.

 

In my case we split up because I was too closed off and didn't talk. NC only CONFIRMS that I am unable or unwilling to talk. How is that suppose to help the situation?

 

I'm of the mind that a certain amount of NC is necessary. You are too much of a jumble of emotions to think or act clearly. How much time needs to pass is up to you. Use your friends as a barometer. If they think you are getting back to normal, then trust that they know you. Also, I reckon enough time needs to pass to put the old relationship in its grave. You both need to mentally divorce yourself from the relationship. They say it takes about 11 weeks to break a habit, so that could be a something to consider.

 

In the cases I have been able to re-ignite something, I timed it right. I reached out at a time that I suspected she was feeling open and receptive. How did I know that? Common friends, and social network.

 

Oh, one more thing...When I did reach out, I did so with something very light and casual. No big speeches. No proclamations. Believe me, I have all those speeches and proclamations in my back pocket, but its not the time. If you keep it light and causal, and it falls on deaf ears, you can circle back in a few weeks or months to test the waters again, and it won't seem weird. If you come at her with proclamations, then you can't circle back in a few weeks without looking like your mental.

 

Good luck.

 

Reconciliation is definitely what I'm after of course. I started NC in order to move on but recently I have started to have second thoughts about reaching out to her since things have settled down. It wasn't a terrible break up, no yelling or screaming or anything of that nature but when she said she needed some space I gave it to her. I'm probably not in her thoughts anymore but I also think there is nothing wrong with touching base with after 4 months. I think a phone call would be better but then again a text doesn't put her on the spot. She can answer it or not. Just a text like "Hey stranger, hope all is well with you and the kids." If I get no response then so be it and I will leave it at that.

[Jimmyjackson]

Reconciliation is definitely what I'm after of course. I started NC in order to move on but recently I have started to have second thoughts about reaching out to her since things have settled down. It wasn't a terrible break up, no yelling or screaming or anything of that nature but when she said she needed some space I gave it to her. I'm probably not in her thoughts anymore but I also think there is nothing wrong with touching base with after 4 months. I think a phone call would be better but then again a text doesn't put her on the spot. She can answer it or not. Just a text like "Hey stranger, hope all is well with you and the kids." If I get no response then so be it and I will leave it at that.

 

Has your ex contacted you at all?

[L0nleyDude]

Maybe I'm blinded still by the break up, but I haven't broken NC either other than to pickup some stuff that I had left there in the first month after the BU.

So I am working on myself and feel much better than 3 months ago but I also feel that after 4 months it would be ok to send a text or make a quick call to say hello.

[L0nleyDude]

Has your ex contacted you at all?

 

No she hasn't and neither have I but I think if you have any chance of reconciliation then you have to take somewhat of a calculated gamble to see what response you are given if any. If I get no response then obviously I would have my answer and not contact her again.

[Jimmyjackson]

No she hasn't and neither have I but I think if you have any chance of reconciliation then you have to take somewhat of a calculated gamble to see what response you are given if any. If I get no response then obviously I would have my answer and not contact her again.

 

I think the fact she hasn't tells the story, don't you think? Unless you get some sort of hint or vibe were you think it might be appropriate to contact then fair enough, but you'll most likely get shot down and be back to square one.

 

She'll most likely see her phone buzz, notice its you and just think to herself "oh it's him"...and then either put her phone down or send you some short reply.

 

If she was interested in getting back together I think you'd hear from her, not the opposite. She has to be the one to put the effort in, if she doesn't it kind of speaks volumes.

 

Why go from 4 months back to day 1?

Edited February 9, 2015 by Jimmyjackson

[L0nleyDude]

I think the fact she hasn't tells the story, don't you think? Unless you get some sort of hint or vibe were you think it might be appropriate to contact then fair enough, but you'll most likely get shot down and be back to square one.

 

She'll most likely see her phone buzz, notice its you and just think to herself "oh it's him"...and then either put her phone down or send you some short reply.

 

If she was interested in getting back together I think you'd hear from her, not the opposite. She has to be the one to put the effort in, if she doesn't it kind of speaks volumes.

 

Why go from 4 months back to day 1?

 

She could be thinking the same thing, like I said when we broke up there I did not beg or plead, I left with my head high and my dignity. I'm sure that caught her off guard as and I'm sure she thought I would be contacting her to try to get her back after the first couple of days/weeks but I knew I had to clear my mind as well. I have done so and I don't think it would be that big of a deal. If anything it would re-enforce to me that she wants nothing to do with me and I would be ok with that

[kacper]

Phone call is a little tricky. Way better than a text in terms of building back some banter, but you never know when you are going to catch a person. There are people who I like to talk to, who I still send to voicemail.

 

Also, I know plenty of girls who will not reach out just out of stubbornness and/or insecurity. So waiting for them to make the first move is effective, but again, doesn't work in all cases.

 

I have no idea where my situation is going to lead, but I do actually sleep better at night, now that I reached out. Only because our final talk, months ago, was so loaded with emotion, that I feel we have cleared the air with the recent chatting. I feel like there are possibilities now to connect as either friends or a couple, where before there was this dark cloud obscuring everything.

Edited February 9, 2015 by kacper

[L0nleyDude]

Phone call is a little tricky. Way better than a text in terms of building back some banter, but you never know when you are going to catch a person. There are people who I like to talk to, who I still send to voicemail.

 

Also, I know plenty of girls who will not reach out of stubbornness and/or insecurity. So waiting for them to make the first move is effective, but again, doesn't work in all cases.

 

She is definitely stubborn and so am I but someone has to give, even if she wants nothing to do with me that is fine as well. I won't call as that may be a little too forward right now but I can't see no reason to send a text to see how she has been doing. Maybe I'm wrong but like Wayne Gretzky said "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take""

[Jimmyjackson]

She could be thinking the same thing, like I said when we broke up there I did not beg or plead, I left with my head high and my dignity. I'm sure that caught her off guard as and I'm sure she thought I would be contacting her to try to get her back after the first couple of days/weeks but I knew I had to clear my mind as well. I have done so and I don't think it would be that big of a deal. If anything it would re-enforce to me that she wants nothing to do with me and I would be ok with that

 

She could be yeah, but if she was wanting to speak to you that much she would do something about it. She mostly likely is thankful you didn't beg or plead, she's happy you've accepted it and made it easier for her.

 

You're basing your judgment on what you assume she will be thinking about you, it's all guess work. Go ahead and contact her if you wish but I can imagine you'll end up disappointed. If you'd be "okay with that" then you wouldn't be asking on here.

[Simon Phoenix]

Also, I know plenty of girls who will not reach out just out of stubbornness and/or insecurity. So waiting for them to make the first move is effective, but again, doesn't work in all cases.

 

No offense, but this is pretty crappy logic. If a person's pride is worth more to them than their love for you or desire to be with you, that's pretty telling isn't it? If they truly want to reconnect with you, they aren't going to let stubbornness stand in the way. Sure, it might take them a little time, but eventually, if the impulse is strong enough, they won't continue to hold out.

[kacper]

Well, then let's look at the flip side of the coin. I've dumped girls who I know would have liked another shot (in fact, just last year) and if they reached out to me at the right time, in the right way, I would have explored it. At the very least I would have talked and cleared the air, laying down the foundations for something in the future. I didn't reach out to her as the dumper, because I thought she hated me and wanted to move on. I felt I had done enough damage and didn't want to hurt her more.

 

I'll admit, if you can wait it out, and get the girl to reach out to you, it is ideal. But sometimes people need a nudge. -Some encouragement. Strict NC just sounds like game-playing to me. Like some kind of mexican-standoff, to see who blinks first. A means to re-establish a power position.

 

Personally, if I really love someone, then I will only be content with how things went when I'm old and gray, if I knew I did everything in my power to make it work. If they dumped me because I was being foolish, then shame on me. But if I try to earnestly to make it work and they don't appreciate it, then shame on them.

 

I should also mention, that when I reached out, for about a day I heard nothing back. It hurt, but there was a sense of satisfaction. I had done my best and extended the olive branch. Ironically, just when I felt okay that I was dead in the water, she hit me up.

Edited February 9, 2015 by kacper

[L0nleyDude]

She could be yeah, but if she was wanting to speak to you that much she would do something about it. She mostly likely is thankful you didn't beg or plead, she's happy you've accepted it and made it easier for her.

 

You're basing your judgment on what you assume she will be thinking about you, it's all guess work. Go ahead and contact her if you wish but I can imagine you'll end up disappointed. If you'd be "okay with that" then you wouldn't be asking on here.

 

You're assuming that when I reach out to her I'm going to be asking for a second chance right off the bat. I'm smart enough to know that would be foolish of me. I don't see any problem with asking how she is doing and how she has been. If she doesn't respond or tells me she has the greatest bf on earth now then so be it. I might be a little upset for a day or so but I will also wish her well and I will move on. NC is good for you in the first few months after a breakup to make sure you know what you want to do and to keep you from doing anything irrational but after you are thinking clearly I see no harm in reaching out.