Making sacrifices

[Spencer29]

I'm in a slight dilemma so I need some opinions, I'll try to keep this post short but no promises.

 

I have been travelling for the past year and recently when I was in America I met a girl, we instantly hit it off and decided to go on a few dates and make the most of the time I had there. We enjoyed each other's company, I met her family and they were all very welcoming. We exchanged Facebook and Skype's and I headed home, I honestly couldn't stop thinking about her.

 

She told me to give her a message when I arrived home just because she wanted to make sure I was okay. We talked on Skype for a couple of hours when I got back and this became a daily routine for us, just before I went to sleep we would chat for a while (progressively getting more flirty + romantic).

 

Anyhow, It's been 3 months now and we have become deeply attracted to each other. I seriously want to go out and live with her, but there's a few things which she told me whilst I was with her that have been playing on my mind.

1. She doesn't want to have sex before marriage.

2. She doesn't want to live together before marriage.

 

I'm completely confused and unsure of what to do, one part of me is saying "You need to pursue this girl further, she is perfect for you" but another part is saying "How can you not live with somebody before marriage, never mind not have sex". It's a tricky situation and I have no clue what to do, I would appreciate some advice on this matter.

 

Thanks.

[swimswimswim]

My ex-ex experience in the US was similar (I am from the UK). The girl was very religious as was her family. It was doomed from the start! I didn't feel the restrictions this brought on both her and my life were reasonable + the roles she saw for me and her in the future were not really compatible with mine. Also, I remember with my ex-ex I was expected to shoulder the costs of everything at all times, which was a major problem for me.

 

BUT maybe this isn't the same with you, maybe you could deal with it or it isn't as bad. You can try to work out if you have a compatible future for you now. While the no sex / living together before marriage is pretty important, people with these requirements can have other requirements too (e.g. marriage timeline, birth control use). But then again, maybe she is more flexible than you write. It all sounds like stuff you need to know you are okay with. Three months is a little early but better to know now than break it off and come running back regretting it later.

 

If you decide you want to try you should see if the practicalities of visiting in an LDR are going to work. How often, who flies, who pays, where do you stay (separately...), that sort of thing.

 

p.s. Living with her after 3 months is fast. Be careful that you aren't just enamoured with the fact that you "can't" go to the US and the US seems "better". I'm not accusing you of anything, it's just something a lot of people feel you should be aware of. I lived there for two years and it's nice enough but I don't feel a compulsion to return just because of the place.

[devilish innocent]

Moving in with somebody after three months is risky enough when you live in the same city. Let alone when you're in separate countries. You're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Your emotions are on overdrive because everything seems new and exciting. You haven't had a chance for your bad patterns of behavior to emerge with each other yet. It's normal to feel like the person you're falling for is perfect for you, but at this point it's too soon to tell. If you moved to be with her, you'd be uprooting your entire life for something that's likely not to work.

 

I don't think there's a right or wrong about living and sleeping together before marriage. But the fact that you guys disagree about the issue could be an indication that you have incompatible values. You might have different cultural or religious beliefs that will lead to more problems down the line.

 

If you're really serious about her, then I would suggest waiting at least a year before moving out there. Continue getting to know each other. If you can afford to visit her in the meantime, then do so. Then wait and see how you feel down the line. You might be able to compromise by living nearby to her before moving in with her. As times go by, you should have a better feel of whether or not she is worth the effort.

[emi]

excellent advice

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving in with somebody after three months is risky enough when you live in the same city. Let alone when you're in separate countries. You're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Your emotions are on overdrive because everything seems new and exciting. You haven't had a chance for your bad patterns of behavior to emerge with each other yet. It's normal to feel like the person you're falling for is perfect for you, but at this point it's too soon to tell. If you moved to be with her, you'd be uprooting your entire life for something that's likely not to work.

 

I don't think there's a right or wrong about living and sleeping together before marriage. But the fact that you guys disagree about the issue could be an indication that you have incompatible values. You might have different cultural or religious beliefs that will lead to more problems down the line.

 

If you're really serious about her, then I would suggest waiting at least a year before moving out there. Continue getting to know each other. If you can afford to visit her in the meantime, then do so. Then wait and see how you feel down the line. You might be able to compromise by living nearby to her before moving in with her. As times go by, you should have a better feel of whether or not she is worth the effort.

[Els]

If your opinions on these matters are the polar opposite of hers, then you're not compatible - these are important points that both people really have to agree on, otherwise it will lead to resentment and conflict down the road.

 

The LDR part doesn't really change what you should do.

[d0nnivain]

Living together before marriage isn't a deal breaker for me. I would never marry somebody without having sex with them 1st. Sex is such a big thing & compatibility is important. You already aren't on the same page about this. Perhaps she is not as perfect for you as you thought.