Asking for strength

[Definingme]

Hi Everyone,

I've never posted on here before. But I'm completely lost and I need to talk to Others who understand how this feels.

I'm 27yrs old, previously married and I left my Husband to be with the man I was having an affair with. It begun Nov 2013, and although I made the first move in the form of an email, he had made it pretty clear that he wanted me. At the time I was extremely unhappy in my marriage, why exactly was lost on me, I had, what could be described as the "Perfect Husband". A great man who I just could not love the way he wanted/needed me to. At the beginning, my intentions towards the affair was to just "fill in the missing pieces" But it didn't take long before I was head over heels in love with this man. And my separation took place mid Dec.

 

My OM was also Married, 21 years my senior, work colleague and has three children. He came across as a strong yet intensely caring man. And actually declared his love for me far before I was even willing to admit it myself.

 

He has had a previous affair , one that lasted nearly 3 year's, and although he admitted to it. Didn't leave home or separate from his wife, his wife never got an apology for his actions or really much of a willingness to put himself fully in the marriage. He said that the XAP just wasn't the one, but that he did love her. In the end, even after a confession the affair continued. ..mostly emotionally , the XAP called it off after his inability to act.

 

End of July was what we nicknamed D-Day.After a roller coaster 7 months he decided to confess everything to his wife. She was rightfully devastated but begged him to stay and that she would accept and forgive his affair and they would carry on.

 

I guess we both couldn't really forsee her response, but what I never expected was his willingness to accept his fate, even though he expressed deep unhappiness , lack of mutual respect, communication and incompatible sex life over the 7 months we had spent together. These issues , obviously unchanged, seemed to vanish and he stayed. Breaking my heart.

 

A few days after this, they both decided that he should move out. He had already set up an apartment to move into, and I. ...well I went straight to him.

 

Over the next month's I stood by his side. Admitting to the part I played and accepting the "home wreaker" status, because we were together and there was nothing I would not give him. News travels quickly, especially in our professions so it wasn't long before our business became everyone else's. Again, irritating but nothing on the love I have for him.

 

Now, twice he has declared his intention for returning home. His Wife calls angst and emotional everyday.she has emotional breakdowns in front of her children and it has started to emotionally effect them also. Guilt has pulled him back mentally ....twice. And both these times he has lasted no more than 48 hours before making contact and expressing how hard it is for him and how much he needs me.

 

My heart always melts, and my barriers always broken. I'm the kind of girl who never thought true love really existed. I would watch my friends in the throws of an emotional breakdown post breakup, and never be able to fully empathize because I had never had those feelings.

 

Now.... Now I understand completely.

15months down the line and he is unable to close the door on his marriage. He said that he feels like there is unfinished business and that the only way for closure is to agree to the marriage counseling sessions that his W has asked for.

This...of course is a giant slap in the face. He was indecisive and hesitant about his intentions. So i told him that i was leaving. 100% backing away so that i would not be any kind of influence to him while he continues this journey. It hurt to say, but in the same sense i also need to know where his heart actually lies.

He promised that if he made contact with me at all, then that would be enough of an indication that he needs to be with me. And that he would give 100% to these councilling sessions to be able to give everyone the closure they need.

Worst part of this whole situation is the fact I understand and sympathize with his situation. This isn't black and white, there are three children to consider and a wife who really does love him. Although sometimes I questions her intentions to have him stay veer more towards financial reason and fears of being alone rather than actual love.

 

I don't know, right now I'm mad it's been 2weeks NC on my behalf.I feel like I have sacrificed everything for this man. My relationship, although not happy was still secure. A year of emotional highs and lows, my own values my dignity and reputation. ..and for what. Not the happily ever after like I hoped existed. Instead 15months older, desperately alone, cynical and f'ing heartbroken.

 

I have great friends, but Noone that I truly am 100% myself around. I have never been able to truly open up to anyone before. I forgot my trust issues, let down my walls, put aside the ever changing masked personalities and bared my Soul to this man.

And he embraced me, it's the first time in my life that I feel like someone actually understands me completely without judgement. He makes me want to be a better version of myself. He really is my best friend, the person I turned to everyday over the past 15months...and I feel as though I have lost everything. A gaping hole throbs inside my chest. Every morning I wake up thinking that this was all a nightmare, then reality punches me in the face and half dead , half alive I carry on my day. Wondering if existence is worth the pain.

 

He has contacted me numerous times. Text messages that I haven't responded to, and drafted emails in our joint email account expressing his love and grief in missing me. He is supposed to be in councilling, the reason for this all was so that he could live a honest life. How is making contact possibly honest?

 

I really need some help from all of you that understand. That knows what it feels like when your entire world comes crashing around you. When you crave and desperately want the person who has destroyed and broken every part of you that you gave.

When you wake yourself up crying, or stay awake thinking only of them. That lump that sits in the back of your throat, ever expanding until you can break free from public stares and cry privately...in the work toilets, in your car, in the shower, behind your sunglasses. The pain of not having him feels unbearable. Please tell me that it is possible to live after this.

Edited February 9, 2015 by Definingme

[Majormisstep]

It is possible to live after this, and you are young enough to experience so much more.

 

If I do the math correctly, I am older than your MM so please hear me out on this; he may be all sexy and charming and melt in your mouth yummy right now, but in a short while, he will age. And maybe not well. Then you are hooked up with a tired old man who likely won't keep up with you - in more ways than one. Something to consider.

 

Men don't leave. He has money, status, children, and wife that is begging him to stay. As I mentioned before on these boards, what he is telling you is a completely different story than what he is telling her.

 

You are going to waste so many good years waiting for this man who is not leaving his M.

 

Continue forward with your NC. That light at the end of the tunnel is not too far away.

[bathtub-row]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'll never forget one night that my xMM left my house. We had spent a few wonderful days together and it killed me that he was leaving. Again. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and cried my heart out. I would often think of the words of the song "Into the Night" where the song goes, "It's like having a dream where nobody has a heart. It's like having it all and watching it fall apart." That's the way it felt to me. He was everything to me. He was my best friend. I had never, ever loved anyone anywhere to close to the way I loved him.

 

I do know how you feel and it hurts like no one can really describe. If I were you, though, I would separate the two relationships -- this affair and your marriage. If your marriage made you feel dead, then you didn't need to be in it. Just because he was a good guy doesn't mean he was the right guy for you. So, it was probably good that you left.

 

As far as the MM, I'm just sitting here shaking my head and thinking "shame on him". This is a near-50 year old man who's toying with someone who's still in the prime of their life. You don't know better but I'm here to tell you that he certainly knows better. And he knows what he's doing to you and your life. I can't imagine what he's thinking and I have to tell you that I don't think much of a guy who would do this to someone.

 

I know I can't take away your pain but I do hope that you will think about this and realize that what he's doing to you is wrong. Also, I know you don't want to admit it, but there's too much of an age difference between you. This is a huge deal and it's going to become a bigger deal later on. I think you need to let yourself heal from this and find a younger guy who's available and ready to commit to you and have a family. I know MM feels like the right guy but real love would not make you feel this way. I finally had to come to terms with that. No matter how wonderful he was, no matter how great our connection was, no one who truly, truly loved me would've hurt me in such a way; no love that was meant to be would've stabbed me in the heart. No matter how right you want to believe it is, it isn't. And that's the hard part.

 

No matter what happens in this situation, for the remainder of your life, do yourself a huge favor and never, ever get involved with a MM again. It will absolutely break your heart into a million pieces.

[Definingme]

Majormisstep Thank you for your reply.

Yes he is 48 and I am 27, but the age difference never really concerned me. I'm naturally drawn to older men because of their maturity and ability to hold an intelligent conversation, also they are much more respectful and chivalrous. I guess I thought love would exceed him growing old and becoming tired. Do you think it was a glimmer of denial?. ...probably. In the midst of all the new emotions and great love fog!

 

The thing is, I feel stupid. Another clique affair, young girl and old unhappy guy. I'm so mad at myself, and him.

But the anger is currently shortlived, and always met with an overwhelmingly strong feeling of emptiness.

[Definingme]

. Again. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and cried my heart out. I would often think of the words of the song "Into the Night" where the song goes, "It's like having a dream where nobody has a heart. It's like having it all and watching it fall apart." That's the way it felt to me. He was everything to me. He was my best friend. I had never, ever loved anyone anywhere to close to the way I loved him.

 

My God, you have no idea how much your reply means to me. I feel exactly like this, and every time I questioned my own values and guilt I would justify it with "But what if this really is my ONE, I don't want spend my life regretting not giving 100%". And boy did I give and he sure did take.

I'm not ready to let go yet, I know that because I'm still in grieving mode and I'm still checking emails even though not replying . And if he turned up a my house, I would not know how to react. And for me that is major because I'm a extremely black and white kind of girl (A flaw I was enlightened to by him).

 

I joined this forum in October and remember reading threads like this and thinking "My Gosh that sounds similar, but what we have is Sooo different, he would never hurt me like that he *LOVES* me".How naive of me. They are all the same at the end if the day. Just like you said.

 

He has Status, Money, a gorgeous home and three exceedingly gorgeous children, of course he would never leave that all behind for US. I wonder if all the things he told me about how I made him feel and how amazing I was, was actually genuine.

 

Thank you again guys for the support. I don't have anyone that I can talk to who understands how this feels. There is little sympathy for the "Other Women", and I'm not saying that I'm a victim in all of this, because I refuse to be victimized. But I really, soul wrenchingly loved that man with all my heart. And I know I have made my bed, and the happy outcome was 98% against me. But I clung to that 2% with all my might. And the aftermath is my hell. ....Prehaps I deserve it.

[bathtub-row]

After the night that I sat on the edge of the bathtub crying, it was the beginning of the end for us. I was forced to ask myself how I could continue in a relationship that made me feel that badly. Over an 8-year period, I broke up with him many times. Over that time, we'd split for like 6 mos and he'd somehow con his way back into my life. But it never lasted and after each break-up, it became harder for me to give my heart to him.

 

My xMM is the owner of the company I work at. Like the guy you're with, he is rich and charming and has wonderful and successful children (they're very similar to my own son and xMM cared a lot about my son). When he set his sites on me, he hit me full force with his incredible charm and I was naive too. I knew him and his reputation and figured if he were chasing after me, he was leaving his marriage. While I think there was a time that he thought very seriously about leaving his marriage, he never did.

 

As you can imagine, it is quite the mess and I'm starting a new career in order to get away from all of it. I don't hate him. He never threw me under the bus or anything like that, but again, my heart is closed off to him.

 

Someday, when you've had enough of the pain, when you see how inexcusable his actions have been, you will slowly turn away from him. It will only happen when you're ready. I wish for you a happy ending -- whether it's with him or a guy who treats you better.

[gettingstronger]

Sorry you are hurting- it seems to me that he does not have the staying power you are looking for in a life partner-the hardest part was over-all of the disclosures-the social and professional hits, etc... I am unclear why he would turn about after enduring that except maybe he is too weak minded- that is not a good quality for a partner- I think although it does not feel that way now, but you dodged a bullet with him- he sounds wishy-washy-

 

Stay strong-

[blue963]

Since there is an age difference you may also want to consider that you may want a family of your own some day if you did stay with him. At his age, would he start a new family and even if you did would you then be the sole caretakers of them because of his lower physical activity as he ages.

[Be_Strong]

The most remarkable thing about this story is your knowledge of his prior long term affair and your willingness to stay after learning of it. I've read a lot of stories on this forum and off the top of my head I can't recall reading another story from an OW that was knowingly with a serial cheater.

 

In fact, almost every OW emphasizes repeatedly that her affair with MM is his first. That notion enables the OW to whitewash the concerns in her mind that she is with a cheater (from both an evolutionary and relationship standard, loyalty is one of the very top attributes that a woman looks for in a mate). Most OW like to dwell on the fantasy aspect of the MM being "the One" and their soul mate. Thus, the MM was helpless in falling in love with the OW and even though he is a naturally honest and loyal guy, his character was no match for falling in love with the OW. It really is an ego thing with OW. They convince themselves that they are such a wonderful person that the MM couldn't help but cheat on their wives with them.

 

But, the knowledge that the MM has already done this exact thing with another woman should absolutely shatter the OW's viewpoint of MM. He clearly is quite adept at grooming young women to fall for him and he gets his fix for a few years until the OW finally has had enough, figures out he isn't going to leave his (allegedly) horrible marriage, and ends it. Then MM goes out looking for the next target.

 

OP, you need to accept that you were duped and he's not "the One". Thankfully, you're still young and will have no problem moving on from this. The grieving part is horrible, but you have to remain steadfast or you will just prolong the process.

[Definingme]

Yeah, he told me about the previous affair at the beginning of ours. At the time my feelings towards him where only "just out for lighthearted fun". I had never been in love with somebody before.So after trying to unsuccessfully end things a month and a half after it had all begun. I was already in too deep.

he found ways to make me feel comfortable enough to really open up. And his previous affair and behaviour I justified with...."he is just incredibly unhappy in his marriage, it was his escape ". He is extremely good at playing the victim, and it took 15months before I started to see an ongoing cycle. He played the victim card to reflect any of his wrong doings, even durring disagreements between us, the Victim would emerge and the wrong doer would become me.

He is weak, especially regarding "keeping the peace". And putting everyone else's happiness first was always his number one priority.....again this is how I sympathized and stayed by his side supporting him for so long.

 

I do believe that he loved me, otherwise he wouldn't of left home and confessed in the first place. However, his weak nature and lack of conviction means that he will follow the path of least resistance. And that means going back.

I worry that him heading back this time....after all of this is going to absolutely destroy him....again. I'm obviously not at a place to let go because I'm still protecting him.

 

F"#$ this love and heartbreak , ild rather be numb.

[Daisy80]

I am so sorry for your loss. It's like someone has died yet they haven't. I too understand your pain all too well. I went through a very similar affair with MM ... Successful, charming, well off, just swept me off my feet. We worked together and I think in the beggining I thought it was so fun so I also didn't pay attention to past history of another affair. More so I somehow easily explained it to myself she wasn't me (laughing at my own ego) and also that their timing wasn't right because she had someone else (his story also believable since they seemed to be friends still). So off I went deeper and deeper into the affair. Like you he was my best friend. Countless hours talking, spending time together. Sometimes I thought he spends everyday 8-8 with me he goes home for two hours sleeps and sees me again. That's all day with me and three hours with her. This kind of delusional thinking made it very easy to justify my own actions and future promises. Also when I questioned him on our future he actually introduced me to his kids. What was I supposed to think then? Actually my MM never treated me bad until the end when his wife found out and he completely became a different person before my eyes. All the promises of our future, standing by me, protecting me, always being there blah blah faded ohhh so quickly. And contrary to what people think it was NOT because he was choosing his wife (yes that hurts) but it was when faced with confrontation how quickly he became someone else a cowardly man I hardly recognized. No friend. It was at that point I decided no more. I knew I had a choice keep my mouth shut let the dust settle and watch him come back. Or hold my head up high and face his wife and lose him. I chose the 2nd.

You know sweetheart I still haven't figured out what I meant to him. It wasn't all horrible. In fact it was more good than bad. But it doesn't matter. I am not willing to be treated like a second class citizen. It is one thing when you cling to that 2% hope but when they flat out let you know that there is no 2%...you have to really look at what you are holding onto. For me that was the turning point into not accepting his crumbs. It's been 6 months since our last talk in which like you he still loved me but the children....whatever. Since then I have cried many days, thought about him everyday but haven't broke. Like everyone tells you it is excrutiating but the only way is through NC. I don't know how I made it this far it has been one day one hour at a time but I can say it's better than day1. I am hopeful one day I will be the same fun loving happy girl I was once the man I loved destroyed me. And next time I will put myself first. Never again. Good luck. Hugs.

[Definingme]

Thank you everyone, for your stories and your honesty. The similarities are frightening, but this is actually giving me what I have been seeking....strength.

 

So MM contacted me last night. He sent a song "If you wait" By London Grammer. Then sent a snap chat saying "abit drunk and missing you".

We agreed on NC while he is in councilling. He said he wants to be and live a honest life and all contact and communication would have to be shown to his wife. Well what the f@#k is he doing. I doubt these messages are being passed on to her.

Do you think he is doing this because after two weeks back in the Lions Den, he has been smacked in the face with the unchanging problems. And wants to make sure I'm still available on the side "just in case", or is he genuinely missing me?.

[jellybean89]

i had never been in love with somebody before.

 

So why did you get married?

 

You don't want to hear it / face it, but the love affair is over. He chose his wife & family. You have allowed him to use you as a soft place to land. You accepted being the mistress. You've accepted crumbs from him. He knows he doesn't have to put much of an effort into anything with you..you have made him your world. He is gonna keep giving you scraps until you decide you are worth more.

 

Can't blame his wife for fighting for her marriage. Look at you, and you've only been with him a short time. Don't throw stones at the wife nor think you know what goes on in their marriage...you don't.

[bathtub-row]

Of course his marriage is exactly the same as it was before. But you seem to think that means something and it doesn't. I keep referring back to a conversation I overheard where my xMM was talking to a friend about his marriage. He didn't know I heard him. He said that all they do is fight, and that maybe he should buy a boat. So, you see, he'd rather stay in a marriage like that and live on a boat to get away from her, than divorce her. I tell this story so that you will understand just how deeply they'll dig their heels in and stay in a bad marriage. All I could think after hearing that is that I was so glad that I ended it with him years ago.

 

Because of what your MM did to you, he shouldn't get one more second of your time until he actually has the divorce papers in his hand. Even then, I'd tread carefully. He has lost your trust and please don't be too quick to give it back to him.

[jbrent890]

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh when I say this. I'm just stating my observations. IMO regardless of whether MM stayed or not, your relationship would not have lasted. It seems to me that you rely on other people to make you happy. Your husband who you described as the perfect guy was not able to do that for you anymore, so you started having an affair. Sadly, that's how most affairs and divorces happen. People go into marriage thinking that their spouse is supposed to hold the key to their happiness. Your partner is supposed to enhance what should already be there. These feelings that you have for MM would have faded and you would have been back at square looking for a new source of happiness. Until you find a way to make yourself happy, you will not have a fullfilling relationship. Again, I'm not trying to put you down, just stating what I have noticed from your posts.

[Minnie09]

Thank you everyone, for your stories and your honesty. The similarities are frightening, but this is actually giving me what I have been seeking....strength.

 

So MM contacted me last night. He sent a song "If you wait" By London Grammer. Then sent a snap chat saying "abit drunk and missing you".

We agreed on NC while he is in councilling. He said he wants to be and live a honest life and all contact and communication would have to be shown to his wife. Well what the f@#k is he doing. I doubt these messages are being passed on to her.

Do you think he is doing this because after two weeks back in the Lions Den, he has been smacked in the face with the unchanging problems. And wants to make sure I'm still available on the side "just in case", or is he genuinely missing me?.

 

the fact that he drunk texted you - and I'm sure his W doesn't know - means that he probably did miss you, but he had to get uninhibited first, in order to be able to tell you. He wouldn't do it sober, because he wants to be the decent guy who keeps his promise to his wife, who tries his best and goes to counseling etc. but when people drink they don't think and they act out of an impulse that they have less control over - compared to when they're sober...,..that's all - he wants to stay in control but when he drinks he can't. The emotions take over and kill the desire to do the right thing.