I cheated last year

[KHSM]

Hey guys, so here's the story. I'm married and I have two boys. I've been with my husband since I was 16, I'm now 23. Last year his little brother moved in with us, I was ok because he didn't really have a father figure around. Well as time grew with him living with us my husband began to drift away from me, he was constantly hanging out with his little brother. Taking him places and completely ignoring the fact that he was married and had 2 kids, it got to the point where I felt like I was a room mate. So here comes this co worker, he was giving me attention and always complimenting me, I too flirted back. It escalated to where he actually wanted to be sexual, I did not want to be. You see his girlfriend lived in another state, I knew at the moment of flirting that it was wrong but I wasn't getting the attention I wanted from someone Ive been with and I want the attention from. Well his girlfriend moved to town and found a bra strap and a back piece of an earring and automatically claimed it was mine (it was not, he lived with his sister) she ended up emailing my husband claiming that him and I had sex which we did not, My husband asked him and he too denied. Then the next day my co worker got on Facebook and said we did sleep together, my husband was so hurt. I was so frustrated because I had quit that job and I have no contact with him. Well months went on and we decided that we were going to get over this and I did everything I could to make him feel secure and I apologized. So some time last month he told me his co worker was hitting on him and making "jokes" about how everyone wants her and she knows that. He told me because he wanted me to know what was going on which I respected, a couple days later he pulls money out of his pocket and there's a corner piece of a condom wrapper in his hand and he jokingly said he didn't know where it came from, I believed him. A couple of days later he decided to go to a party with all of his co workers and didnt think to invite me, I was upset and hurt and I let him know how I felt. Since then he decided to not talk to me and just leave me and my two boys, he later sent me a text saying he wanted a break from our relationship. I picked up everything that I could and had my uncle pick me up, I live on the other side of town now and I've had to quit my job because he wanted a break. I don't know what to do, why did he wait until now? Not only that he left me with 70 dollars for my boys because he took my money out of the account, I have no car; he has both. He doesn't ask to talk to the boys, he doesn't talk to me. And today I asked if he wanted to take the boys for the night and he said no because he was going out. Should I just leave the relationship or try to salvage what's left? Is there even anything left?

[BeatsByDirk]

Too many mistakes made and he feels his pride is wounded. He will probably come back but not until he's done making you pay and blowing up everything.

A lot if mistakes have been made and it's not so much that it's not repairable but when somebody doesn't want to repair it there isn't much of a use.

Do whatever you can to take care of you and the children the rest is going to be a long road of struggle most likely.

He might have been down when he started blowing you off when his brother moved in but being made to look like a loser on Facebook isn't going to let his ego allow to take you back. If he thinks people know that he was cheated on, if he has any self respect his only move to make is to make you look bad and punish you.

[Radu]

I can understand punishing you for it but why punish the kids ?

 

Go nuclear on him ... go after child support.

[KHSM]

And the thing is, before I moved in he was still talking to his ex girlfriend. He completely lied about her and denied that she ever lived there with him. I've forgiven him but I feel at the same time he's doing this because we grew up so fast and he needs to actually live some type of youth.

[No Limit]

Wounded pride, feeling of revenge. He's going out with women now to save his manliness-reputation which this co-worker probably screwed up thoroughly. Sorry but I highly doubt your relationship will recover. Chances are that his social circle has encouraged him to an ego-trip so he'll detach from your sons as well.

 

Are there any divorce lawyers in your area? Do you have people who could help you with paying him? And more importantly, can you get your job back? You'll need the income as single mother.

[kendahke]

You have a marriage, not a relationship. You will need to see a divorce attorney and start the ball rolling. I feel sorry for the children because their world has been turned inside out over their parents not opening up a can of "act right".

[Friskyone4u]

If I am reading this right , you flirted inappropriately but did NOT cheat?? If that is the case , your husband is acting like a two year old moron, especially if you have told him the truth and it was confirmed by your co worker. This "saving face " over FB is like nursery school.

You can do better but you should still understand what you did was wrong also .

If I have this wrong and you actually slept with the co worker , then your husband is acting poorly but there is some reason.

[amaysngrace]

If he wants a break give him a permanent one. Call a divorce lawyer or at the very least go file for support and separate maintenance and custody at your local courthouse.

 

There's not a lot to save. You want your sons to see him as a role model on how to be a man?

 

Divorce him.

[LoveRefreshed]

If I am reading this right , you flirted inappropriately but did NOT cheat?? If that is the case , your husband is acting like a two year old moron, especially if you have told him the truth and it was confirmed by your co worker. This "saving face " over FB is like nursery school.

You can do better but you should still understand what you did was wrong also .

If I have this wrong and you actually slept with the co worker , then your husband is acting poorly but there is some reason.

 

well, it was on some levels, cheating. It was an emotional affair, was it not?

[Chi townD]

If I am reading this right , you flirted inappropriately but did NOT cheat?? If that is the case , your husband is acting like a two year old moron, especially if you have told him the truth and it was confirmed by your co worker. This "saving face " over FB is like nursery school.

You can do better but you should still understand what you did was wrong also .

If I have this wrong and you actually slept with the co worker , then your husband is acting poorly but there is some reason.

 

 

Well, she did cheat. You don't have to have sex in order to cheat. There are emotional affairs (EA) and physical affairs (PA). Sounds like she was having an EA.

 

 

Good definition of cheating is doing or saying something to someone else that you wouldn't do or say in front of your significant other is cheating.

[Spectre]

If I am reading this right , you flirted inappropriately but did NOT cheat?? If that is the case , your husband is acting like a two year old moron, especially if you have told him the truth and it was confirmed by your co worker. This "saving face " over FB is like nursery school.

You can do better but you should still understand what you did was wrong also .

If I have this wrong and you actually slept with the co worker , then your husband is acting poorly but there is some reason.

 

Do you feel that emotional affairs are just a thing of myth and fable, like the lochness monster?

[smackie9]

From what I see you two drifted apart, not just you but him too before your affair. I think he is just using your affair to justify his departure, but in reality he truly already wanted out of the marriage. You both got married way too young. You both never had the opportunity to be single and have dating experience as adults. Dating is key, because it prepares us for marriage and how to conduct ourselves in a relationship. You both missed this step and found yourselves making a wrong choice on how to deal with the issues in your marriage.

 

He is being really resentful because he thinks of you as a liar and can no longer be trusted. But whatever, you still have rights and he has a responsibility to his children. I agree you need to seek legal counsel immediately. I don't know what the laws are in your area, but you still have entitlement to some of the property and possessions accumulated during your marriage, and he must pay child support.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm sorry to hear about all of this, I'm sure it's been a very difficult time. Have you talked to your husband about perhaps seeking some professional help, such as a counselor or therapist? I would suggest talking to him about it and see what he thinks. If he's not willing to do counseling, it may be a good idea for you to get some individual counseling as you are navigating all of this. Wishing you the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[No Limit]

If I am reading this right , you flirted inappropriately but did NOT cheat?? If that is the case , your husband is acting like a two year old moron, especially if you have told him the truth and it was confirmed by your co worker.

 

Yes, it was never physical. It wasn't confirmed by the co-worker. He claimed that they've had sex and his trust was so low in OP he rather believed him. Perhaps a polygraph could have fixed this situation but they're already beyond that point now.

[Friskyone4u]

No Limit. Thanks for answering my question . I know what an EA is and yes she had one. I just wanted to make sure she did not do more. And I am not minimizing EA.

OP were way out of bounds but I'll say again this Facebook nonsense is getting the two of you nowhere.

He needs to work through it with you or divorce you but he needs to stop acting out like a kindergarten kid .

[KHSM]

Update, last night I asked him if he wanted to take the boys for a couple of days. He said no because he was going out, he told me he would get them by noon this morning, it's not 4:15 and he has not answered me.. Idk what to do..

[Spectre]

Sounds like he has written you off, and you can't really blame him for that. At this point just divorce. Use this for future reference: next time you are in a relationship and you grow bored or whatever, don't cheat, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever. Walking away from a relationship is difficult enough without throwing in disrespect and betrayal.

 

No Limit. Thanks for answering my question . I know what an EA is and yes she had one. I just wanted to make sure she did not do more. And I am not minimizing EA.

 

If you aren't minimizing the EA then your comments confound me. See, your comment said "if I am reading this right you flirted but did not cheat" but..see, emotional affairs are cheating, so what you just said still is pointless.

 

So yeah uh, what WAS your point here? If you aren't minimizing the EA, well, okay, then what? Saying it's not as bad as a physical affair would be...minimizing the EA. What was the motivations behind your comment then? Since it sure as heck came off a lot like you ultimately saying she didn't cheat, which she totally did. So color me confused. So she cheated, just not physically, which is more or less irrelevant because it is still cheating. So now that we have established that, you are adding..what to that? Not trying to be rude, just trying to figure out what point you were trying to get across if it wasn't some version of "it's not as bad as physical cheating" or something.

Edited February 10, 2015 by Spectre

[kendahke]

Are they his children?

[KHSM]

Yes they're his kids, he just seems to not care. He told me he was talking to another co worker, who he knows I don't like. She wants to be with him sexually and when he told me that I just balled, I didn't understand what I did. I cheated, yes I know I did but I didn't sleep with the guy or go out on dates with him.

[mrs rubble]

Yes they're his kids, he just seems to not care. He told me he was talking to another co worker, who he knows I don't like. She wants to be with him sexually and when he told me that I just balled, I didn't understand what I did. I cheated, yes I know I did but I didn't sleep with the guy or go out on dates with him.

 

I Agree you should always break up with someone before investing emotionally or physically with someone else, I also believe that your husbands behaviour since he's discovered this half truth by way of taunting you over other workmates gossip is just as despicable.

You both need to stop holding your kids as ransom over this situation. One of you needs to let go of the crazy here & step up for your kids.

[KHSM]

I Agree you should always break up with someone before investing emotionally or physically with someone else, I also believe that your husbands behaviour since he's discovered this half truth by way of taunting you over other workmates gossip is just as despicable.

You both need to stop holding your kids as ransom over this situation. One of you needs to let go of the crazy here & step up for your kids.

 

I've learned to let go, he's being the childish one. He told me today that he was at her house alone but "didn't have sex" which I do not believe. He withdrew 700 from our joint account and left me with 140. So today I took out the 140 and he flipped, I want to do counseling to see if this works but I honestly doubt it will. He's so back and forth that it's getting to the point where I don't want to wait for his answer.

[Spectre]

I've learned to let go, he's being the childish one. He told me today that he was at her house alone but "didn't have sex" which I do not believe. He withdrew 700 from our joint account and left me with 140. So today I took out the 140 and he flipped, I want to do counseling to see if this works but I honestly doubt it will. He's so back and forth that it's getting to the point where I don't want to wait for his answer.

 

Look, I honestly do feel bad for you and I can say you do seem like you are truly in pain over this. I don't want to get your hopes up, but part of me feels like it is possible he isn't having sex with this woman, but he IS using her to punish you and make you think he is, or at the very least he wants you to know he *can* sleep with her if he chose to. Like someone else said I do think he is wounded, but I also think right now he doesn't know if he can trust you didn't actually do anything with this co worker.

 

It's also possible he is just using this as an excuse to get with someone else. I'm not saying that is the case, but you never know. The thing is if he isn't using this just as an excuse to get with another woman it means he is truly hurting over the breach of trust and doesn't know how to handle it. I also think the fact this happened with a co worker even worse, because if you were being sexual with the guy it would of meant you had a lot of opportunities in which to of done stuff with him on many occasions.

 

I would sit him down one more time, just demand that he talk to you. Offer to take a polygraph if necessary. Say you want this to work, but also make it clear if he's fooled around with someone you need to know, and even if he hasn't..he has to stop with this other woman he is taunting you with.

 

Of course you also said you have learned to let go so if that is true then that is up to you. I would say maybe you both behaved childish here, I don't know why you ever flirted back with your coworker. Also if this guys girlfriend found a bra that wasn't hers or yours that just means the guy has already cheated with others.

Edited February 13, 2015 by Spectre

[road]

KHSM, you say you cheated. Then you say you did not have sex.

 

 

For you say you did and then you don't, why the indecision?

 

 

Are you using the Bill Clinton defense?

[smackie9]

I know you want something to happen, and the waiting sucks BUT, sometimes people just need a little time to process things and let the emotions settle down. Right now his thinking is irrational. I feel if you give it a little more time, he will snap out of it and proceed in whatever direction he needs to go.

 

There is still that attachment between you, and being apart might be a reality check of what life is going to be like without each other. Hopefully you both will come to terms at what has happen and learn to appreciate each other.

[kendahke]

Yes they're his kids, he just seems to not care. He told me he was talking to another co worker, who he knows I don't like. She wants to be with him sexually and when he told me that I just balled, I didn't understand what I did. I cheated, yes I know I did but I didn't sleep with the guy or go out on dates with him.

 

Sometimes, emotional affairs do way more damage than physical affairs.

 

You didn't have to sleep with him: all you had to do was give him entree into an area of your intimacy in which he didn't belong. That space was reserved for your husband alone.