Contemplating if I will/could try

[sober and dry]

Maybe some of you have already read my story, if not I will resume it the best I can. This will be a long post but there's no other way and I really would appreciate some opinions if possible.

 

We were together for 8 years, we had our true first love things together.

Some 6 months before the BU our RS was at a low point with both of us getting distant, a lot of things were happening in our lifes that really sucked a lot of time and emotion from us, although I know this is no excuse or even close, but lets be real, it contributed in some way to what happened. I started to notice she was getting close to a coworker and touched the theme maybe 10 times to what she would alway reply "no, there is nothing, bla bla bla...". Truth to be said, it was just getting more obvious as time was passing by.

 

Some day she crumbled and asked for a "break". Well, this ended up not really being a break for almost a month. We would be together just like we were before, do all the romantic things and even had sex once, just almost no contact and less time together.

So by the end of it I was at a very dark place and it was getting darker and darker by the day, so in despair I hacked her email accounts and found out she betrayed me physically (some days before she asked for the "break) and emotionally (maybe since I started to notice the strange behavior). Well... Of course I couldn't stand it, told her what I found out and BU with her (if I can even say it anyway).

 

I immediately started NC and doing everything I could to move on including start going to the gym, meeting old friends again, going out at every opportunities, meeting new people, some girls and seeking a job.

The NC lasted for one month. After that I texted her asking how she was doing to which she replied "not good or bad" and I asked her out to which she accepted. At this point I was felling a bit down again and went NC for 15 days straight to get myself up again and continue to work on myself as I already described above.

 

This last week I broke up NC again and we agreed on a coffee on this last saturday. My intention for this meeting was sitting in front of her like an addict in recovery and being able to say to myself no I don't want you. I sure wasn't expecting to see her sad, regretting what she did or whatsoever in that kind of lines. From what I knew from her "old" self, when she does something wrong she can be arrogant, could, proud, confident in her choices, etc. and even if she realized her mistakes she wouldn't show it to me in any way, shape or form.

 

The meeting is must disturbing moments are describe in more detail in here if you wish to read it.

How wrong was I... She did showed her sorrow, her sadness with her life as it's now, grief of what she had lost, she cried a lot, she tried to make me talk about the RS/BU, etc. everything I wasn't expecting from her. The must shocking thing was she tried to flirt with me a lot in a very obvious way all the time she wasn't showing all of the above. I was even sensing the sparks coming out of her eyes saying "kiss me right now" if you know what I mean. I did found myself many times physically way too close of her, I mean maybe some inches away from her face.

Fortunately for me, I managed to sit there a full 3 hours and "discreetly" rejected all of her efforts to talk about the RS/BU or get physically involved with her.

Note: I didn't sought anything about the dude with whom she cheated me so I don't know what happened between them any longer. But if I needed to bet I would say that, given her behavior, at least they are not in the best position.

 

In the next days I will keep doing my "new" normal life with NC and try to get my mind and feelings in check again.

My questions here are:

-Has anyone had any kind of experience like this?

-What the hell was her intentions?

-Was she trying to keep me as a backup plan?

-Why that kind of behavior I wasn't expecting?

-Was she trying to get in a FWB situation with my new me?

-Do you think that I might even consider trying to see if there is a possibility for a second chance or this is a complete waste of my time?

Edited February 9, 2015 by sober and dry

[sober and dry]

Any one? Please...

[sober and dry]

Well I guess I will just keep adding what is going on and maybe someone will come with something.

This last days aren't being my "new" life as I was pointing to, but a crazy mixture of it plus my ex and a new girl... WTH...

 

EX: I texted her Wednesday morning with 2 of our inside jokes and we started to flirt again, this time with me starting and playing the game with her all along. We got to a point where her only possible answer (I guess) could only had been sort of "I love you". Which she didn't replied with or said anything else.

So I don't know if she wanted to answer this or just got scared away.

Well inferring from her kind of behavior in this and again, I guess that the RS with the other guy is, at least, not in a good point. But hell, she never had very good boundaries in this situations as we all know by now.

 

After talking about this and my meeting with her with one friend who knows me and her very good, and the whole story of the BU, he said she was either clearly trying to get back together or she is seeking some kind of a very nasty reaction from me, like "mistreating" her regarding what she did wrong or the BU so I would, in some way, validate her and/or my feelings.

He says that this apathy I showed her in the coffee, is probably making her feeling even crazier about it, because I wasn't "helping" her out in any of the possible scenarios, getting back with me or validating her and/or my feeling, so she could move on.

 

I can't make any sense of what he is trying to tell me with this validation or the apathy's side effect on her...

 

 

NEW GIRL: we met online and spent the last two weeks talking and connecting. Today we went for a 3hors coffee meeting to know each other.

Well it was good, she have a collage degree very similar to mine (so I guess that nerd talk is sexy for both of us lol), she seemed to be a wise and interesting person, very emotional conscientious even though she as little to none experience in love even though she openly said she is seeking (is this a red flag?!), etc.

Overall she seems a nice bet, BUT I can't really tell this because I feel a bit numb and I guess that what I'm really seeking is my ex's traits that I can't find nowhere obviously.

 

The problems in here with the new girl that I see are:

I don't want to hurt this new girl in any way.

I can tell that she is, at least, seeking something with me but I don't even know if I want it.

I seem to, must of the times, have being in this kind of loop. Off a RS into another in a few months. Even before I get emotional totally available...

I can't avoid this because of the though "well I'm better not loose this opportunity because this can be the one I'm seeking".

 

 

Bottom line I don't know what to do so I'm taking the posture of a robot. Just executing the commands I get from mime ____(put something in here like stupidity).

My feelings and logic are just in for a ride. I'm afraid that this ride, whatever direction it takes (ex or the new girl), will just end up in me in a train wreckage again, for the nth time...

[Ahni]

Being a girl that has done what she has I can say that she probably felt a lot of remorse and sadness for what she did..I cant speak for her, but its seems like she might feel that..Its a terrible feeling..I was in a relationship for about the same amount of time, and it ended in a very similar way. And cheating all came down to me, and my insecurities and 'voids' I had inside myself.

 

In my opinion when people do things like cheat, it shows more about who they are as a person, and less about you. So seeing as you cut her off, and the guy she cheated on you with may not be in her life, she might be dealt with her own feelings now, and issues with being alone. No one is there to comfort her, and remind her that she is loved, which might be why she was so desperate when you met her. Im not saying that she doesn't love you, or have feelings for you still, but acting in that way seems more like a ploy for attention and comfort..

 

And really this is only my experience, so I could be totally wrong..but it seemed she was reaching out to you in order to reconnect..This is slippery slope because she (again im assuming) is now in the process of working through her stuff and you hanging out with her, or going back to her will prevent her from completely working through it..

[lolablue17]

Lets focus on facts: She cheated, you dumped her.

 

I think it's great that you didn't ask any question about her guy, because it shows you're on your feet, and you can think rationally. Also you didn't expose yourself to her - GREAT! Actually you did great in any other aspect, and you can be proud.

 

Only if you know YOU decide and want to get back together, only then it's time to ask questions about her and her guy. My guess is that she feels guilty and that's why she wants to show you that she's not in a good point. Because if she's happy (and you're not), it means more guilt by her side. So maybe it's all a nice show she plays, and the truth is that she is in a good point, regardless of what you think.

 

About the new girl. I think that even if you did want to get back with your wife, it's good for you to try other relationships, for yourself. Don't worry about hurting her feelings. As long as you're honest with her and you don't lie about your situation, let her do her own decisions, she is a grown. and don't try to patronize and don't pretend to know what's best for her..

 

I advice you to continue not giving your Ex any thread or hint about your life, intentions, feelings, plans. Nothing.

 

Good luck.

[EgoJoe]

I was where you are at the end of December. I instead went for the cold hard truth and then the new girl.

 

 

I recommend the same. With or without the new girl.

 

 

Afterthought: Be a man and own your emotions and resulting decisions.

[sober and dry]

Thank you all for your words, they help me!

 

Ahni unfortunately I can't know what she feels/felt by her attitudes in the coffee. It's so confusing and mixed, kind of all over the place, or I just was trying so hard to "get away" from it that I just didn't pick up nothing...

I don't believe that she has no one around her comforting her or showing that she is loved, she has a big support system around her. (Good for her)

To which degree are you talking when you say reconnect?

Had you been in the other side of this kind of situation would you say that it's possible to get back together and make it work properly?

What you think that should be my next step to her?

 

 

lolablue17 thank you for your kind words. I did felt kind of proud with my behavior in the meeting, but it doesn't make me feel any good about it after. I think I had a chance for making it the "day of reckoning" and I didn't took, maybe this would had helped me?!

I would like to have a big input from her before I decide if I want her back or not, did I just had it in the coffee?

With the new girl I already made pretty clear a lot of times that there are something wrong in my heart department, but I haven't told her what it's yet.

If I connect with her I guess it will, at least start as a rebound and I don't want that... Maybe we should just start in a FWB situation.

 

 

EgoJoe what you mean with "the cold hard truth"?

Yes, I must own my emotions and deal with the results of my decisions, well said there.

 

 

Little update: after the meeting, when we text flirted, I felt that it was clear that she felt better with herself. That's good for her, but what does it mean?

Did she felt the relief of knowing that I'm good? Was she feeling good because of my "breadcrumbs"?

Again I guess that if she is totally emotionally invested in her new guy she wouldn't have replied me or gone with the flow.

Edited February 15, 2015 by sober and dry

[Popsicle]

Well, aren't you a trip.

 

Asking women out only to act like you don't like them.

 

Just leave her alone and move on with your life.

[sober and dry]

Well, aren't you a trip.

 

Asking women out only to act like you don't like them.

 

Just leave her alone and move on with your life.

Yes I admit being somewhat mad.

But one thing is for certain, I love her... And I wouldn't say that I didn't showed some affection for her.

I acted like that to try protecting myself from more pain, not to hurt her or anything.

[NopeNah]

Yes I admit being somewhat mad.

But one thing is for certain, I love her... And I wouldn't say that I didn't showed some affection for her.

I acted like that to try protecting myself from more pain, not to hurt her or anything.

 

Sup,buddy? Just do you,man!

[sober and dry]

Sup,buddy? Just do you,man!

Well I'm still feeling in the **** with the ex stuff, fortunately we still at NC and I hope to stay in it for a while at least.

 

The new girl is getting closer and closer to me, even though I made clear that I'm was/still fell somewhat emotionally hurt. She has some nice qualities and one I never had with a partner before, she is kind of a intellectual challenge since we have the degree in the same area.

At this time I'm starting to believe that we can have a RS and not just a rebound.

[Ahni]

Well, in terms of no one showing her how loved she is, I mean in an intimate way...at least for me I had a wonderful support group, but that was not the same for me, and didn't reach me in the same as my relationship with my ex..I had so many other issues going on that didn't involve my friends of family, and those came up with my ex. Which only showed me that I needed badly to work on things.

 

It seems maybe she is still trying to have you in her life? Especially from how you describe your interaction with her. Someone who is over it, and moving on doesnt act like that (I can say that now that I am over my ex, I would not want to give off the vibe that I was in to him), at least thats how I would act if I was over it. But you two were together for a long time, and even if the relationship wasnt all that good, it doesnt mean she doesn't find comfort in you. Maybe she's feeling guilty for hurting you, or rejected..

 

For me, I knew that the person I was with was not the right fit for me, but I was addicted to fixing it, making it work, and mending my mistakes. In the end, after years and years he finally left, 8 years on and off. And it took me years to forgive myself, and to get over it. 5 years exactly. But now I can see him and feel happy for him, what ever he is doing..

 

Right now you are in the middle of change, and its hard to see where it is going to end up..and people will tell you to just focus on yourself, which you truly should, but I understand that it is painfully hard to hear that, and difficult to actually just DO it, at least in the way that they mean. I would hear that and it would actually annoy me. But that was because I just wasn't there yet. In time you will feel that, when you are ready. But I would really sit back and think about things objectively.. as hard as it is.

 

You will know in your heart what your answer is. I asked my self a million times if it was right, and got the answer, I just didnt listen. And thats okay, because I HAD to go through it. Its a learning process.

 

I personally am learning new boundaries with my relationships, so the people I have chosen to date after him have not been the best (still signs of my working things out). So the guys I've dumped did REALLY bad things that made me walk away because it was just way beyond what I find acceptable (drugs/ physical abuse)

 

Currently I am in the situation where I found a wonderful man, but was not ready yet, and so he left, and I dont blame him. Now I am hoping for a second chance, now that time has passed and I have worked through a lot of my issues..So we will see. He is open to contact with me, but is very very distant.

 

I think what you need to do is ride out your feelings, and think about what you expect in a relationship. Don't think about her, or what you had (at least when you ask this question). Think about the kind of connection you want, how the other person behaves, and how you would behave, and what respect means to you..think about what you deserve..Those are important. Love is huge, but it is not everything, and you deserve everything. I could tell you to move on, but that doesn't really help if you aren't there yet, so..think of where you are, and be patient with yourself, and make sure to take care of yourself. You cant make any progress, where ever that is going to go if you aren't at least feelings okay. This is a process, and it will work out exactly the way its supposed to..

[sober and dry]

Thank you Ahni

I see what you mean with the "showing her how loved she is". I guess that's the work of her new BF if she is still with him.

I remembered that, when I read their emails, at some points she was asking him to give her some space and for him to understand that the situation was being hard for her. He seemed to not understand this and did keep pressing her. I know for sure that she is not the kind of person who reacts well to any pressure at all. But well, neither of this is my problem for now.

 

She can have me in her life in one and only one situation, if we get back together, in a FWB situation for a time or two or in another go in a new RS. I will not be her friend or backup plan, or so I will try to.

Well I thought she were already over it or at least near when I BU with her since they started their emotional affair long time ago, maybe some 6 months to 1 year, and even more after they went physical and she left me on the back-burner for almost a month after. (This time frames only show me how badly I let her play me)

But, even although I don't understand it, I have to agree with you. In the coffee she didn't seemed over it or even close I guess.

 

Yes I feel in the middle of a change, but I see major obstacles in my way that prevent me from getting to the end of it. The coffee with her send me back a lot of stages. Every time I try to make a decision about her it makes me stop my progress, i.e if I will/could try to give us another chance or just forget her at all cost and keep moving on.

 

I will, must definitely do as you say and think about what I expect in a relationship. It will be hard, very hard to do. Especially taking her or our RS out of the equation, but you are completely right with your approach!

 

Well you are on the good path in your self working, just keep doing it and you will be happy Good luck to you and thank you again for your words.

 

 

In the mean while I have her request to fix her external hard drive and I don't really know what to do about it. I see two options but both of them imply something much bigger them just "fixing her ext HDD".

1 - If I want to move on and forget about her I will not care about her ext HDD and will keep the NC as now.

2 - If I want to at least try to have a sense of what's up in her side I think I will ask her to come to my house and wait until I fix it, it will take maybe an afternoon or two tops.

Some opinions?

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you Ahni

I see what you mean with the "showing her how loved she is". I guess that's the work of her new BF if she is still with him.

I remembered that, when I read their emails, at some points she was asking him to give her some space and for him to understand that the situation was being hard for her. He seemed to not understand this and did keep pressing her. I know for sure that she is not the kind of person who reacts well to any pressure at all. But well, neither of this is my problem for now.

 

She can have me in her life in one and only one situation, if we get back together, in a FWB situation for a time or two or in another go in a new RS. I will not be her friend or backup plan, or so I will try to.

Well I thought she were already over it or at least near when I BU with her since they started their emotional affair long time ago, maybe some 6 months to 1 year, and even more after they went physical and she left me on the back-burner for almost a month after. (This time frames only show me how badly I let her play me)

But, even although I don't understand it, I have to agree with you. In the coffee she didn't seemed over it or even close I guess.

 

Yes I feel in the middle of a change, but I see major obstacles in my way that prevent me from getting to the end of it. The coffee with her send me back a lot of stages. Every time I try to make a decision about her it makes me stop my progress, i.e if I will/could try to give us another chance or just forget her at all cost and keep moving on.

 

I will, must definitely do as you say and think about what I expect in a relationship. It will be hard, very hard to do. Especially taking her or our RS out of the equation, but you are completely right with your approach!

 

Well you are on the good path in your self working, just keep doing it and you will be happy Good luck to you and thank you again for your words.

 

 

In the mean while I have her request to fix her external hard drive and I don't really know what to do about it. I see two options but both of them imply something much bigger them just "fixing her ext HDD".

1 - If I want to move on and forget about her I will not care about her ext HDD and will keep the NC as now.

2 - If I want to at least try to have a sense of what's up in her side I think I will ask her to come to my house and wait until I fix it, it will take maybe an afternoon or two tops.

Some opinions?

 

No fixing her stuff. It's time to detach, not be her handyman.

[Cedar27]

Has anyone had any kind of experience like this?

 

My first girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me and then we broke up. Over the next few years she called me on numerous occasions telling me I was the best man she ever had, other guys just use her, she feels so horrible, etc. She never came outright and said she wanted to be with me, but I think she was fishing. Either way I didn't take her back. I realized once we were broken up we were just way too incompatible, and the cheating didn't help either.

 

-What the hell was her intentions?

 

I think you should ask her directly. It's very hard to say from my perspective since I don't know her.

 

-Was she trying to keep me as a backup plan?

 

Possibly. Again hard to say, as it's very difficult to try and get into someones mind. I know we all try to do it with our exes, but it's usually a waste of time.

 

-Why that kind of behavior I wasn't expecting?

 

Like you said, she normally is cold and stubborn. Doesn't like to admit she was wrong. This is easy to do when you are on your way out of a relationship and the feelings have faded with your partner. The place she is at now: My opinion is the honeymoon period with the last guy is over, she's probably not even seeing him. Now she's truly realizing what she had with you and may be thinking about rekindling a relationship.

 

-Was she trying to get in a FWB situation with my new me?

 

Who knows, but you better be damn sure you don't take it. Those rarely work out well in my experience.

 

-Do you think that I might even consider trying to see if there is a possibility for a second chance or this is a complete waste of my time?

 

It depends on how much you still care about her, whether or not you can fully move past the affair and rebuild trust. Everyone is different. I've known couples who have dealt with infidelity/break up but through some extremely hard work are very happy now. Even more trusting. For others, one time is too much. You obviously care about her, but how much? What would it take for you to take her back? Or are you battling with that very question?

 

I really think you guys are beating around the bush too much. Lots of push/pull games that make things much harder in our life. My perspective is that if you want to give it a second shot, you tell her that you can't have her in your life anymore unless she is willing to put 100% into the relationship, reestablish trust (through therapy, discussions, self help books, whatever), and leave it at that. If she wants to be with you she will jump at the chance and do whatever it takes to prove she's a changed woman.

 

I kind of feel bad also for the new woman in your life, I think you are in no shape to start a relationship with another woman. You have one foot in the door with her and the other one with your ex. Now, if you have explained this to the new girl and told her your position/where you currently are at then at least you aren't leading her on. That being said, proceed with caution.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Cedar27

[sober and dry]

So I tried to ride my feelings out and get some answers to what Ahni said.

The conclusion is, we had the type of connection I always wanted and the behavior. But the respect went out when she did what she had done and I don't think anyone deserves that. Can it be recovered again?

 

This last days I realized that the HDD thing could be another ploy to get to me or it could be just taking advantage of me. Either way I fell that I could take care of that just because I do help anyone I know when they need anything, it's just my nature, what she knows pretty well and can be the reason she is trying to take advantage of me. So I don't really know what to do in this case.

 

Cedar27 thank you for your input.

I should had asked what was her intentions at that time, I guess that now is not the right time to ask that, so shame on me...

The problem regarding the new guy, together or not, is that she will alway see him at work, god damn she works sitting right in front of him or at least she did...

You are so right, we ALWAYS use to be beating the bush insanely... I guess that's just our way... But that wont work on getting together or not, I see that now.

It is very hard to me to say this, even to myself but, I still love her madly... Perhaps even too much after all... But it's what it's, even though the shame that I feel for it.

 

Now your second question just sends be spinning completely. I think that, to take her back I would need to see that she truly regrets what she did and the sorrow from it, that she misses me and is willing to do what is needed for us to grow together even better than what we were, I would need to see that she loves me and wants nothing else.

Now the trouble in my mind is, damn did she done it in the coffee meeting, am I trying to fit it to whatever I think she showed or am I over thinking and not seeing obvious things?

It gets even trickier because, when I BU with her I said that I would try to leave an open door for her to what she replied "don't do that, I don't deserve it, it's impossible because the trust is gone, nobody deserves what you are saying, etc..." So I said, "ok it's your choice so, it's time to man up then". I'm glad that I had shaken that though at that time because it allowed me to get some distance and perspective, but now it's obvious for me that I still have that door open... Another thing to be ashamed for...

Of course things were pretty hot at that time but... What if this is the same answer I get, again... What if she, despite everything, was not showing what we think she was.... It will be a freaking head shot to me, AGAIN... I will be in a very vulnerable positions, right in her hands, again.

 

 

A friend of mine warned me that I need to make an decision "soon" because this is affecting me very much. Is exact words was "you are somewhat crazy from nature so if this keeps getting you for long it will do you big damage". This freaked me out because it's probably true

Edited March 1, 2015 by sober and dry
Trying to make it readable... Sorry

[sober and dry]

Hello dear fellows.

I guess I had been coming down from my "ideas" and illusions from myself this last days/weeks... Overall I guess that my "poker face" has been crumbling apart bit by bit.

 

I started to have nightmares every single day this last week or two... Yesterday I dreamed that I was with her in their summerhouse just like two friends and I was enjoying it because it was possibly for me without any bad feelings but, by mistake, at some part I found myself entering "our" bedroom and just woke up with the thought "damn what am I doing here?! Get me out of here!". Today I dreamed of all the amazing sex we used to be and woke up time and time again just wishing that it would just stop...

It had been agonizing...

 

I'm trying to keep strong but it's getting harder and harder.

I keep thinking if that was her attempt to get me back, just some twisted plot or something else... I keep wondering if we are possible, what is up with her, etc.

 

I don't feel particularly down or sad, more like melancholic and wishful.

I would say that must of the anger is gone, the depression comes and goes but much lighter (thank god), but must of the times I feel a kind of inquietude or suspense to get my answers...

 

So I guess that the best I can do is just go forward with it. Meet her and take the plunge, head first... But I feel ashamed of even thinking about it and I guess that the most probable ending of this is just more pain for me. Well it's the "if I don't try I will never know" kind of thought.

 

 

Any input on all of this?

 

What is the best approach I can have?

I simply have no idea how to do it oher than just get in front of her and kiss her... But that is just feel very stupid...

Edited March 9, 2015 by sober and dry

[sober and dry]

Here is an update.

Last week we talked a bit and agreed to have lunch and come to my place to see her hdd this next weekend.

 

After that, for the first time she started the conversation and we have been talking some bits here and there over text, just small talk but with some meaning to it I guess.

 

I would say that she have the same posture, maybe a bit happier.

She is being nice and everything but I can't read what is she thinking under that or I'm just too stunned or naive...

Bottom line, all of my friends keep saying that she wants something and that she is trying, but I can't see it or I don't believe it or she needs to try harder.

But besides everyone's opinion I still think that she is with the other guy.

 

Well just wish me luck, I really hope I won't regret it hard...

[sober and dry]

This will be another very long entry to my "journal" here at LS and I'm really sorry for that but that is just how it was and it's resumed... If anybody can read it and say something to help me out in all of this I would really appreciate it because I need all the help I can get. I wrote this for three hours, feeling damn sad and heavy drinking whisky...

 

So clearly I decided to give it another go and put myself in the line.

 

Today we meet for the second time. We started with a coffee. She arrived all happy and everything and we talked for an hour and a half about trivial things in our lifes.

 

Then we agreed on going for an ice cream at an mall but it's was getting cold and I asked if we could pass in my house first to grab some more clothing. She was a little reticent to enter, I just old my door for a bit and looked at her and she entered.

 

Already at my home she answered her phone two times, but in my kitchen, away from were I was, yet I realized by her tone and way of speaking that she was talking to her boyfriend, the other guy. So I kept doing my stuff without letting it affect me the best I could.

Soon after she joined me and I was listening to some music, she started to cry a bit because of it.

 

Some minutes later she commented how my computer desk was all tidy and neat to what I answered "Yes?! Go see my room then.". She immediately went for it and all I heard was silence for some very large seconds. I asked what was going on and got no answer so I got there and she was leaned against my bed crying pretty hard so I asked her what was going on and she answered something like "I don't know how you could made it. You were capable of putting everything of us away...".

 

So we started to have a long talk about it all. What let me most impressed was:

She said she was not able to put any of our stuff in her home away, throw it out or just give it to charity, I said that it also was not easy to me and the fact of putting it away and returning her stuff did not solved anything but that was what I needed to do.

She said that I apparently was doing all good about my life and had moved forward from us and that she can't do it, almost everyday she starts and ends the day pretty sad about the fact that she had lost the best of her world, I said that I also sometimes start and end the day missing what we had too.

She said that everyday she remembers something that we used to say and joke or do and that nobody around her understands and it makes her very sad, I said it happens to me too and all I do is try to laugh about it and keep going.

 

At some point I asked her "sorry to be asking this, but doesn't *the other guy name* make you happy, don't you see a future with him, can you be happy with him?" and she said "No, I can't, I don't think so... It's impossible to stop comparing and hopping...". She was vague about this but I think that the main idea was there.

 

I asked why don't you choose to be happy and fight for what you want, she said that she refuses to choose to be happy because she choose and want to feel guilty until the end of her life because of the stupid mistake she made, she wants to be masochistic about it, she hopped that I just hate her to feed her guilt and "I don't know what I want, well I do, I want you but..." and I said, I just want you to be and wish to be happy, do it, no matter what it is or what it takes, but you most be happy, you are free to do it! But she continued to refuse it and I said that I cannot do it for her and that I can't do nothing else for her.

 

I also said at some point that the mistakes we do are done and that we can't do anything about it besides trying to learn from it and keep going, I said that I also saw a lot of mistakes and I did tried to learn from it, "didn't you?" She said that she did, she learned not to be stupid.

 

During all of this we hugged a lot and I cuddled her a bit trying to make her feel better and calm her down because she was crying a lot and were breaking my heart seeing her like that.

 

 

After this we decided to have dinner.

As we were walking for it around the city we were acting happy and we walked embracing each other "because of the cold". She started messaging the other dude and kept doing it for something like half an hour. She kept saying that she was sorry and that she would be done of it in a few minutes. So I kept walking without letting it affect me.

By the middle of it she started to seem upset about it and started saying stuff like, referring to the messaging with him, "I don't have the nerve for this, what a stupid conversation, I'm becoming upset about this, I'm ending this conversation, maybe even all of it today" and so on... I kept almost silent about it, saying just "come on, don't be cruel like that, calm down".

By the middle of the walk we sat down at a garden because I wanted to have a smoke and at some point she said "that's it, I'm just answering my mom and that's it, I will turn off my phone." she did it and made sure I saw her turning her phone off.

After that we laugh a lot and flirted some bit.

 

We arrived to an Italian fancy restaurant of her choosing. We both love Italian food but we never tried that one.

We started eating and flirting damn hard. I really mean it, HARD and plainly.

By the middle we started talking about us again, she said that she just feels the same about me and that she wasn't expecting us to be just like we normally are around each other, I said that I agree but I didn't understood the "normal" thing. She tried to explain it but I was acting dumb and she rapidly went cold as she started to seem a bit sad and I started to feel a bit mad about it all. But, well, once again we pushed it up again and by the end of the meal we was hitting it hard again, even harder!

By the end, as we both went to the bathroom together before leaving the restaurant, we were provoking each other so hard that all I could think was "we gonna have sex in the bathroom....". Well we didn't, I don't really know why, but it was so, so painfully obvious...

 

After that, I paid the bill against her will and we took off. I just couldn't care less about the damn bill...

We both were pretty tired and agreed to go home. This time we walked together but not embracing each other. We kept flirting softly and we sang to each other some of our songs by the way to her home.

We stopped by her door and oh man... This was hard... We stared each other like some elementary school children. So I pushed her to me, hugged her and said something sweet in her hear. We looked each other and I kissed her chick, she immediately looked at me and went straight to almost gave me a kiss on the lips, looked at me and said "sorry", them preceded to gave me the chick again for me to kiss and we played. Well, again, just like two elementary school children we played the kissing game. But it ended without any kiss on the lips and she saying "text me". I took off all messed up, got home and texted her saying "thank you, I just hope you liked it just like I did. If you want to have the ice cream tomorrow just tell me. Good night." to which she didn't replied until now.

[Twigyy]

I don't think you should be giving her comfort. If she wants kisses or hugs she should be asking from her boyfriend. Have some respect for yourself. If she wants your kisses she have to dump her boyfriend and say that she is sorry and she wants you back, and to make her want you back she has to miss you, and you're not letting it happen.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, what the hell are you doing? She's texting another dude in front of you and won't kiss you on the lips. You're being played for a sucker. That was a painful, painful read. I have no idea what you think you're doing, but it's not going to end well.

[sober and dry]

Twigyy how could I resist seeing her suffering pretty hard and not doing anything... I really love that girl for 8 years of my life. I know that she needs to leave the other guy if she wants to be with me and that she needs to change a lot also. I would say that she missed me but yeah you are right.

 

Simon Phoenix I just wanted to really put myself in the line for her one more time and see what is happening with her. Well I did put myself on the line that's for sure but, even with all that talk I can't understand what is she doing...

Why do you say that I'm being played for sucker? I know this probably is a stupid question but at the moment I cant really wrap my head around all of this in any way. Sorry for the painful read, I need to share this with someone and really need someone to put some sense in my head right now!

[Simon Phoenix]

Twigyy how could I resist seeing her suffering pretty hard and not doing anything... I really love that girl for 8 years of my life. I know that she needs to leave the other guy if she wants to be with me and that she needs to change a lot also. I would say that she missed me but yeah you are right.

 

Simon Phoenix I just wanted to really put myself in the line for her one more time and see what is happening with her. Well I did put myself on the line that's for sure but, even with all that talk I can't understand what is she doing...

Why do you say that I'm being played for sucker? I know this probably is a stupid question but at the moment I cant really wrap my head around all of this in any way. Sorry for the painful read, I need to share this with someone and really need someone to put some sense in my head right now!

 

She's getting comfort from you and intimacy from him. This girl has no interest in being with you romantically. You're the friend-zone orbiter right now. You're a nice guy who makes her feel good about herself when she needs a pick-me up.

 

You need to stop this. You're going down a dark road. That was a cringeworthy read. She didn't want you to pay for her because she didn't want you to think it was a date. Because in her mind, it wasn't.

 

Girls will sometimes flirt with guys they aren't truly interested in because they find flirting fun. In fact, I had a girl a long, long time ago that acted in the same manner your girl is. For a couple months, we tangoed and flirted in a heavy manner -- grinding, touching, kissing like you were kissing, hell, she even showed me some naked pictures of herself. She also received emotional support from me. But never once did she have romantic feelings toward me. I went on a trip with her and four other people which I thought I'd easily seal the deal and lock her down as my girlfriend. She proceeded to hook up with a random at a bar and go back to his place. She'd go back and forth flirting with me, then flirting with guys in front of me to the point where she stopped flirting with me and started flirting with other guys almost exclusively.

 

Finally I called her up and told her that we need to meet up and talk. I told her that I wanted to date her but that the mixed signals she was giving me were driving me crazy. Either we needed to date or we needed to stop all the flirting because it wasn't appropriate because we weren't on the same page. She told me that she wasn't interested in dating me, she wasn't really ever interested in it and that she flirted with me because I was fun to flirt with and it made her feel good. She said that she was backing off the flirting already because she sensed that I wanted something different than what she wanted, but she liked it so much that she still wanted to.

 

I asked her if she ever thought of sleeping with me, and she said that she probably would have a few times, but it wouldn't affect her feelings about having me as her boyfriend. I told her that she could either have all of me as a boyfriend or nothing from me as far as flirting/emotional support and that it wasn't negotiable. She chose the latter. It was awkward between us for a while after that, but she moved away about two months later. I randomly saw her about four or five months after that and all was fine -- my feelings were gone and there was no awkwardness.

 

Anyway, I tell that story because that's the road you're traveling. Yes, I realize you dated her before while my situation had no prior history, but that doesn't mean that the situations aren't similar. If anything, your previous history reinforces my point because you have already established yourself as a place of comfort for her. I was able to decipher it after a while and put a stop to it, but you have your head so far in the clouds that you need someone to yank you down. The road you are traveling is a sh*tty one.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[BC1980]

You're basically being strung along as a backup plan in case the new guy doesn't work out. I can't believe that you hung around while she texted her BF. You've got to have some self-respect. You're not putting yourself on the line one last time. You are lying down in the road and getting run over by a truck. Over and over again. She feels pain? Well, she needs to feel the consequences of not having you around. That's the price she has to be willing to pay if she doesn't want you in her life. Don't rob her of feeling that loss because, right now, she feels nothing.

Edited March 22, 2015 by BC1980

[lolablue17]

I think you did well.

 

When people sentence themselves to NC, they do it in order to protect themselves. The don't want to feel pain, so they close windows and doors. It's natural and sometimes it brings good results.

 

But avoiding pain is not the only way. Sometimes people can bare some pain, and be patient, and have the power to absorb and soak some situations... What you're doing is just that. You follow you instincts and also are trying to be strong enough not to burn all bridges. But of course it causes pain.

 

You need to be strong doing what you're doing, because it's much easier to set your tough terms to her, and expect her to follow your rules and to decide her way according to your dictates.

 

For example, I'm not sure i'm strong enough to be so patient in your position. I would want her to pay with a lot of pain. But it just says something about me, and you're not me.

 

So again, I think you did very well (if you're willing to pay the price) and you were showing her what she's lost, also because you showed her understanding and compassion. But on the other hand you didn't sell yourself cheap. You just gave her a sample of you.

 

I think you deserve to expect some changes very soon. If she doesn't make the necessary changes (leaving OM and ask you to take her back with full remorse), then i advice you not to let her drag the situation too much. It's up to you if you give her a day, a week, 2 weeks... But more than that means you're being fooled.

 

Your patience may give you everything you want - A woman that already made her journey, went out of the marriage, got back to her senses and now feels and understands the importance of her R with you. But it also may not. it's a risk and you know it. Just don't let her drag it too much.

Edited March 22, 2015 by lolablue17