Unhappy Marriage Question

[gettingstronger]

This is an honest question- I see so many threads about the MM staying in an unhappy marriage-

 

For the OW, does it make it easier or harder to heal that the MM picked an unhappy marriage over a relationship with you-

I am asking because it seems a question asked a lot from OW and it seems OW in particular post that they are sure their MM (or xMM) is staying in an unhappy marriage- I am wondering why that idea so important-

 

(Background on me- BS in R- I read both boards to better understand all sides- what I have found is no one gets out of this unscathed and there is hurt all over-)

[pheonixrisen]

Hi I am a B's in R...

 

I don't believe that mm choose unhappy marriages to stay in ..

 

I believe during the affair they magnify the issues so they can make the affair feel right in their head so the marriage is not so much miserable or unhappy as they tell the ow they just rewrite history to suit and benefit their needs .Once it's caught or the fog period wears off and the relationship is not in hiding and secretive its not just them two against the world they realise it's not greener it's the same .Some move on to other greener pastures some realise they rather work on their own marriage ...If there was not a concept and reality of ow W's would have no choices but turn towards their marriage and tackle issues head on until they are ironed out.

 

The ow just gives them the option to not bother working on their own issues for the time being because at the end they all come back to tackle issues in their marriages .

 

so i feel if someone is selfish enough to have affairs they would be selfish enough to leave their marriage and children ...Most don't because like i mentioned above after the dday or after a while in their affair they realise both relationship are with their own different issues ...They choose marriage because they love their wives more their children more and their marriage life more than th AP...

 

Of course no body is going to approach a person outside their marriage by saying I have a great wife an amazing marital life let's get together any way because I am self centered ******* who feels entitled to have a loyal loving wife/h St home plus a side dish

 

so instead they use the line my marriage is not good, I don't connect with her blah blah. ..I am going back for my child blah blah really? So the ow is good enough to almost destroy your family over but not good enough to leave your family for ...wake up !

[gettingstronger]

I so agree with you because that has been my experience as well-

 

I guess my question is for those that are convinced their MM or xMM is staying in a miserable marriage- I see it all the time on LS, thread after thread that the MM is staying in an unhappy marriage- I am just wondering why believing that is so important to these people- does it make it easier or harder to heal- does the idea that they would rather be miserable with their wives than happy with the OW make it easier to get over the A or what-

[Be_Strong]

I think it makes it harder for the OW to heal. If she's convinced that the marriage is unhappy, she'll hold out hope that the marriage will still fail and MM will choose her. The OW will also see the MM's actions as being some grand sacrifice where he is subjecting himself to unhappiness for the sake of being loyal to his wife or for the kids--and not a choice where he is selecting a better woman over her. That makes it hard for OW to let him go.

[oldshirt]

No OW thinks of themselves as a pump and dump and MM use every trick in the book to keep them from realizing they are a P&D.

 

MM are no where near as unhappy and the marriage is no where near as bad as what MM lead the OW to believe and OW lead themselves to believe that the marriage is much worse than what it is.

 

When things get bad enough, men do leave. If the OW is clearly better than the BW, men will leave for the OW. it's just that all of those conditions are often not the case.

[velvette]

I don't think there is any way for the OW to really know what the state of the marriage is.

 

 

Even if the marriage is unhappy or there are serious issues, she also has no way of knowing whether those issues are caused by MM or not.

[BetrayedH]

From what I see, the OW doesn't want to believe it was all fake, that he didn't really love her. They desperately want to believe that they were truly loved but that he couldn't leave.

 

That belief (that he really loved the OW) is backed up by the fact that he's in an unhappy marriage but the underlying and critically important part is that he's staying "for the kids." It creates a perfect scenario for the MM because he's lovable since he "loves his kids so much" and thus, it's not that he has a good marriage but that he loves the OW and "can't" leave. Believing all this validates the OW as truly loved and allows her to believe that the MM is lovable, too.

 

Believing anything else means that it was all a lie and that they were duped and just a side-piece. No one wants to believe that. So they buy into the unhappy marriage and staying for the kids. Again, the alternative is that they were unloved, used, fooled, and discarded. That's a tough reality to accept because it's a blow to the ego about six ways from Sunday. It's much easier to accept that he's a good guy in an unhappy marriage that loved the OW but couldn't leave because he's so great about his children. Ego remains intact.

 

I think many, many OW really wrestle with trying to determine which is the reality. The fact that their MM is an established liar really fouls things up

[Gigigirl]

I think it is wishful thinking on both the BS and the OW. While OW wants to believe that MM only stays for obligations, the BS wants to believe that her H loves her so much and only wants her so that's why he stays. I think most MM chose themselves. And not to sound cruel, but MM usually pick the package deal of marriage, meaning they stay for the whole deal and the wife is just a part of that deal, not the only reason he stays. I know most BS don't want hear that but it is true.

 

To answer the question, yes believing that a marriage is unhappy does make it easier for the OW, just like believing there is no way a WH could love his OW and stays with the W because he loves her soooo much more makes the BS feel better. We tell ourselves what we need to.

 

FYI I am not an OW or a BS. I'm actually a former wayward.

 

There is actually a thread somewhere just started about married men staying in unhappy marriages. I think it's in the General rekationship discussion but there are viewpoints from all types of people not just MM, OW or BS. A lot of different opinions on why men stay in unhappy relationships...very interesting.

Edited February 9, 2015 by Gigigirl

[purplesorrow]

I think it is wishful thinking on both the BS and the OW. While OW wants to believe that MM only stays for obligations, the BS wants to believe that her H loves her so much and only wants her so that's why he stays. I think most MM chose themselves. And not to sound cruel, but MM usually pick the package deal of marriage, meaning they stay for the whole deal and the wife is just a part of that deal, not the only reason he stays. I know most BS don't want hear that but it is true.

 

To answer the question, yes believing that a marriage is unhappy does make it easier for the OW, just like believing there is no way a WH could love his OW and stays with the W because he loves her soooo much more makes the BS feel better. We tell ourselves what we need to.

 

FYI I am not an OW or a BS. I'm actually a former wayward.

 

There is actually a thread somewhere just started about married men staying in unhappy marriages. I think it's in the General rekationship discussion but there are viewpoints from all types of people not just MM, OW or BS. A lot of different opinions on why men stay in unhappy relationships...very interesting.

 

Well no, as a bw that isn't what I needed to hear. Didn't need to make myself believe that. Not sure why that would make me feel better. My marriage wasn't unhappy. My stbx says the same. What he thought or even now thinks of the ow matters not to me.

[Selfish]

I was not unhappy but he was. Never fully admitted it but it was apparent. Our affair was not about leaving and we made that clear to each other. So without any emotional bias on my part I can say why he stayed/stays. His wife and him are seriously codependant. They love/hate each other. Sometimes it is them against the world. Other times it is them against each other. Neither one wants to be alone so they stay together. No kids, both independant financially. I thinj after all this time they are still waiting for the other person to change.

 

Maybe that isn't everyone's cup of tea. Maybe for some people the cheating, mistrust, controlling and lies are not worth staying. But I think they have been so long like this they don't even remeber what normal is... If they ever knew it. xMM had a horrid childhood and serious of terrible relationships. His wife was in a verbally abusive relationship before him with a charmer so it took years before anyone believed her over her ex. She also never ever talks about her childhood or parents (living in the same town) but just says it was good.

 

So, point is, i have no reason or motive after all these years to believe his marriage his bad but I do know that. Everyone does and everyone wishes they would split. If our affair had developed more would he have left his wife if I wanted him to?

 

No i don't think so. I really think he will never leave.

[Mr. Lucky]

That belief (that he really loved the OW) is backed up by the fact that he's in an unhappy marriage but the underlying and critically important part is that he's staying "for the kids." It creates a perfect scenario for the MM because he's lovable since he "loves his kids so much" and thus, it's not that he has a good marriage but that he loves the OW and "can't" leave. Believing all this validates the OW as truly loved and allows her to believe that the MM is lovable, too.

 

I think the other half of this equation is that many OW romanticize and exaggerate the bond between them and the WS. It seems strange to hear the term "soulmate" applied to someone who's total investment in you is some furtive texts and a few monthly hours in a motel...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

I think the other half of this equation is that many OW romanticize and exaggerate the bond between them and the WS.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, yes. OW know having a relationship with a MM is wrong. Exponentially wrong if there are children involved. So, they have to justify it somehow. Unhappy marriage, poor man, is the easiest excuse for both the behavior of the MM and the OW. Add in "We're soulmates!" or "We really love each other!" and somehow the A seems much more justifiable.

[DKT3]

I honestly don't think this is an OW problem or issue, I believe its a problem with women in general. I think that woman will mix one part what they want and one part what they hear and create the perfect outcome in their situation, when dealing with a shytty man.

 

In most cases, the MM is ok within his marriage. Maybe not happy but not unhappy. Content, stable, more ups then downs. When it comes to OW, they really don't seem to understand how well most men can comparmentalize the two relationship. To the degree where one has nothing to do with the other nor does his feelings for the OW impact his feelings for his wife.

 

Judging from my interactions with the OW/MOW on this site, it seems that having MM's marriage be horrible is a must. Maybe its because if it isn't then that special something that she has convinced herself they have isn't really there, if he is in love and happy with his wife.

 

Sadly most times OW/MOW simply fall victim to a predator, a guy that will try to convince them of whatever they think will part them from their panties then keep them quite when the poo hits the fan.

[MJJean]

Sadly most times OW/MOW simply fall victim to a predator, a guy that will try to convince them of whatever they think will part them from their panties then keep them quite when the poo hits the fan.

 

I hate the phrasing "victim to a predator". Women are predators, too. And, really, we've had guys trying to separate us from our panties since our boobs came in. Any woman falling for lines is not a victim. She's a participant. She's fooling herself more than the man is fooling her. And she's doing it because he has something she wants.

[Selfish]

I honestly don't think this is an OW problem or issue, I believe its a problem with women in general. I think that woman will mix one part what they want and one part what they hear and create the perfect outcome in their situation, when dealing with a shytty man.

 

In most cases, the MM is ok within his marriage. Maybe not happy but not unhappy. Content, stable, more ups then downs. When it comes to OW, they really don't seem to understand how well most men can comparmentalize the two relationship. To the degree where one has nothing to do with the other nor does his feelings for the OW impact his feelings for his wife.

 

Judging from my interactions with the OW/MOW on this site, it seems that having MM's marriage be horrible is a must. Maybe its because if it isn't then that special something that she has convinced herself they have isn't really there, if he is in love and happy with his wife.

 

Sadly most times OW/MOW simply fall victim to a predator, a guy that will try to convince them of whatever they think will part them from their panties then keep them quite when the poo hits the fan.

 

No this is not just a woman problem. If you wrack your brain even slightly you will remember the male posters we have had who have talked about the luv and their woman being stuck. maybe more woman fall in this but defintly not just a woman problem.

 

xMM assumed that my marriage was bad (despite me never saying so). He was dismayed when he found out I was just a greedy cake eater. No being the hero for him!

[Selfish]

I hate the phrasing "victim to a predator". Women are predators, too. And, really, we've had guys trying to separate us from our panties since our boobs came in. Any woman falling for lines is not a victim. She's a participant. She's fooling herself more than the man is fooling her. And she's doing it because he has something she wants.

 

I think what he means is there are women (and men too) who are inexperienced and perhaps not as intuitive as others who are easily groomed by a skilled manipulator. Doesn't mean they aren't responsible for their choices and actions. But it can be hard for them to see they were played.

[waterwoman]

I should imagine it's much easier for most women to beleive they aren't damaging a good marriage, or hurting a decent woman. And so often you read on here that the affair wouldnt have happened if the MM had been happy, if the marriage had been good, almost as if the fact of the affair is proof in itself that the marriage (not the man) was failing. Personally I beleive there are all shades of 'good' but that's besides the point.

 

OW 'ended' the affair a week before I found out because he wouldn't give her enough - he told her often that he loved me and he would never leave. I guess it was hard for her to hear - I know H regrets that she was hurt by that.

[purplesorrow]

I should imagine it's much easier for most women to beleive they aren't damaging a good marriage, or hurting a decent woman. And so often you read on here that the affair wouldnt have happened if the MM had been happy, if the marriage had been good, almost as if the fact of the affair is proof in itself that the marriage (not the man) was failing. Personally I beleive there are all shades of 'good' but that's besides the point.

 

OW 'ended' the affair a week before I found out because he wouldn't give her enough - he told her often that he loved me and he would never leave. I guess it was hard for her to hear - I know H regrets that she was hurt by that.

 

I don't the the ow gave a rat's azz about me nor my marriage. She just wanted him and acted as though I didn't exist. He didn't care, why would she?

[elaine567]

If the marriage is happy, then the OW is just some sex on the side, whereas if the marriage is deemed unhappy, she is the rescuer, the carer, the emotional supporter, the one he cannot do without, the one he relies on...

She is no longer a glorified hooker who doesn't get paid, she is important, she matters.

[badkarma2013]

I hate the phrasing "victim to a predator". Women are predators, too. And, really, we've had guys trying to separate us from our panties since our boobs came in. Any woman falling for lines is not a victim. She's a participant. She's fooling herself more than the man is fooling her. And she's doing it because he has something she wants.

 

*******************************************************************

 

Right on the money....How Many married women who have engaged in Affair...have had some guy in the office ...compliment her...tell her she is beautiful...do something her husband dosent do for her(send flowers etc..)..and the next thing you know she is in the sack with him...taking a huge risk...because he fed her A Fuc&ing line and she bought it hook line and sinker...It was a line by a player nothing more...

 

I have seen this happen in business more than I can stomach...These guys care NOTHING for her except for Sex..and they are playing 3 or 4 others ..when they tire of her....

 

She is NOT a victim ...Naive..maybe, or just likes it...but certainly not a Victim....

Edited February 9, 2015 by badkarma2013

[the_artist_1970]

I so agree with you because that has been my experience as well-

 

I guess my question is for those that are convinced their MM or xMM is staying in a miserable marriage- I see it all the time on LS, thread after thread that the MM is staying in an unhappy marriage- I am just wondering why believing that is so important to these people- does it make it easier or harder to heal- does the idea that they would rather be miserable with their wives than happy with the OW make it easier to get over the A or what-

 

A pretty good insight into the psychology of ''The Other Woman'' is that when people going through conflict-ridden situations (affairs) they believe all kinds of contradicting things to protect their worldview. It's human nature to cope by lying and rationalizing or ir-rationalizing as in most cases.

 

I'm sure they know that they were selfish to allow themselves to be a third wheel in a marriage. Maybe she's protecting herself psychologically from the full implications of what she did. I'm sure this is the mind game people must play with themselves to keep their own sanity. ''Of course the wife wasn't my problem'' allows her to displace responsibility, while ''of course it tore my heart out'' allows her to affirm she has empathy. Of course the MM/MW is miserable because he lost his "soul mate" OW/OM (why are they always soul mates (SMH)). Rationalizing is how people cope with making bad choices. IMHO

 

And some people live the rest of their lives making bad choices and rationalizing them, never living an authentic and true life which is very sad.

[the_artist_1970]

I think it is wishful thinking on both the BS and the OW. While OW wants to believe that MM only stays for obligations, the BS wants to believe that her H loves her so much and only wants her so that's why he stays. I think most MM chose themselves. And not to sound cruel, but MM usually pick the package deal of marriage, meaning they stay for the whole deal and the wife is just a part of that deal, not the only reason he stays. I know most BS don't want hear that but it is true.

 

To answer the question, yes believing that a marriage is unhappy does make it easier for the OW, just like believing there is no way a WH could love his OW and stays with the W because he loves her soooo much more makes the BS feel better. We tell ourselves what we need to.

 

FYI I am not an OW or a BS. I'm actually a former wayward.

 

There is actually a thread somewhere just started about married men staying in unhappy marriages. I think it's in the General rekationship discussion but there are viewpoints from all types of people not just MM, OW or BS. A lot of different opinions on why men stay in unhappy relationships...very interesting.

 

Really?? Why would I want to believe that?? As a Former BS that is the last thing I wanted to believe. IMHO my XWH during the time of his affair loved ONLY himself.

[Lilac33]

As a bs I can say that my H did the whole I'm unhappy thing with his mistress while I was pregnant and having his baby. Now what's the truth...probably that he is a miserable person and a liar and says whatever he needs to.

From my perspective our marriage no it's not happy. How can it be happy when your H is cheating on you and lying everyday to your face. From his perspective he's getting his cake and eating it too so often during the affair he is treating the spouse extra well for covering up.

The truth is somewhere in the middle and I don't blame ow for saying that...it is partly true. Unless your man had a one night stand or casual sex, I believe long term affairs are a indication that men are unhappy. Now this doesn't mean they will leave their wives. However for men happiness is not the end goal for being in a marriage...and for cheating men I feel as if they can do a great job of compartmentalizing.

Someone said no one wins I think that is very true. It is hard to be the ow and it is hard to live with someone who has betrayed you. Happiness is all relative after an affair. I am just trying to make it to the next day.

[Gigigirl]

Really?? Why would I want to believe that?? As a Former BS that is the last thing I wanted to believe. IMHO my XWH during the time of his affair loved ONLY himself.

 

I didn't personally say YOU but let's be real. I know there are plenty of BS's who comfort themselves by choosing to believe their H never truly loved his OW, that she was just there for sex. Just like an OW finds comfort in choosing to believe the MM's marriage is terrible and he only stays for blah blah reason.

 

Most people tell themselves whatever they have to and believe what they want.

 

Just like posters are saying "What OW would really want a MM if he told her how happy he was, how in love with his wife he was", well what BS would really want to reconcile if their H told them he truly did love and care for OW but he had a sense of duty and obligation to her, his wife? I'm just saying.

[Sub]

Most people tell themselves whatever they have to and believe what they want.

 

This is true. It's easier to believe the MM is unhappy, though, if he actually leaves the M. The only person who knows the whole truth in these situations is unfortunately the one who's benefiting the most. Until actions match words, it's safe to assume he's just cake-eating.