Alexjones1 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Ok Back again for some advice, I had been dating this girl who looked me up out of the blue. She contacted me through a mutual friend wanting to go out. I said yes. She is currently going through a divorce. We met up late November. her divorce is fully agreed to by both parties but they have a 6 month cooling period before the judge signs it. So long story short, we both have two kids, the kids got involved, spent some of the holidays together, the sex was amazing, etc. So after about two months i start to feel different emotions. I initially only wanted to hook up. She had told me about a week ago that she loved me. I didn't say it back at that time as it was shocking. So to finish it up, 4 days after telling me she loves me, she turns 180 and now doesn't want a relationship. that she is scared its going too fast and wants to slow down. Wants to be just friends, or FWB. I don't do Friends, I've already got enough. So I wished her the best of luck and after i drop a few of her things to her, her kids toys, clothes, things left at my place. I will be going into NC. She doesn't want to see me so I am dropping these on her porch. Any opinions? Thanks Alex
Jessie1231 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Why did she tell you she doesn't want a relationship when she said she loved you four days earlier? That's odd so what was her explanation? Was it because she thought you didn't feel the same?
Author Alexjones1 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 No She just thought it was moving too fast and she wasn't prepared for it. I find it hard to believe another man in the picture as it was only 4 days prior it was 180 difference. Very confusing for me.
Light Breeze Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 She's going through a divorce and chances are her emotions are still on a rollercoaster. Even in mutual divorces there are still baggages that needs sorting out. My guess, she isn't really ready yet. 1
Author Alexjones1 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Light, I told her I didnt want to be friends, and to look me up later on if she changes her mind. She got the very upset tone, and was like your just going to drop me and not talk to me again, well you better not stick your dick in anyone else line...hahaha, it was chuckling to say the least. Shes a good person, I just agree with lots of emotions going on. Thanks for the response! Alex
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 She had told me about a week ago that she loved me. I didn't say it back at that time as it was shocking. ^^^ This^^^ THe nub of the problem She I guess told you that because she thought you loved her back, but when you said nothing, she realised the relationship was going nowhere and she then basically finished it. Highly embarrassing for a woman to put it all out there, to no response on your part, so she is trying to cover up that embarrassment by saying it is all going too fast. She is suggesting being friends or FWBs to save face or to try and perhaps try to hold onto you in some way. If you do not see this as going anywhere then leave it be, continue the NC, if you do actually want her, then show her you do and stop acting as if you do not care when you actually do care. I also suggest if you are going to have FWB relationships in the future do not involve your kids and make very clear to your FWB, that a FWB situation is ALL you want. 2
JonjMie Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 My experience was a complete disaster, click on my thread, she was 9 months into a divorce after her husband left her. I asked for reassurance and she convinced me I wasnt a rebound, I believed her, I got serious, we lasted 10 months, shes now bouncing around on a dating website. In short I loved her, I got my heart broken, I was a rebound and in hindsight how obvious was that, I knew it but trusted her. My advice, stay away while its being sorted or someone is going to get hurt.
Author Alexjones1 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Elaine, I do agree with you, the words did eventually come out from me. So we were at an agreement as to having same feelings for eachother. She tells me she wants someone to fight for her, but 4 days later doesnt want someone to. So very confused and since then she has gone quiet. Thanks for the input.
CarrieT Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 She tells me she wants someone to fight for her, but 4 days later doesnt want someone to. So very confused and since then she has gone quiet. She waited for four days in hopes you would reciprocate her feelings and you didn't. The only thing she could do was a 180 to try and save herself. Makes perfect sense. If she wants someone to fight for her and you want to be that person, then send a bunch of flowers and start the fight.
Author Alexjones1 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Jon, Her husband cheated for two years and she had finally found out. They both have agreed to the divorce, terms, all that. She is finally getting the martial home listed for sale and trying to move on. They have tons of contact because of the kids, she has him around the house to fix things as they have to split the profits from the home sale. it started as just hanging out and hooking up, then things got real. ugh, such is life. I just feel like a dick to just up and abandon her, after i told her I would fight for her, and wouldnt allow her to just walk away. shaking my head at the moment. Thanks Alex
idoltree Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 We met up late November. So long story short, we both have two kids, the kids got involvedWut. Dude, why are you introducing kids so soon? That's not fair to them. Wait until you are out of the honeymoon period and your relationship has proved stable until your kids meet your girlfriends. Otherwise you risk teaching them that relationships are revolving doors. So after about two months i start to feel different emotions. I initially only wanted to hook up.After the kids have met her. Which means they met her during when you only wanted to hook up. Classic. She had told me about a week ago that she loved me. I didn't say it back at that time as it was shocking.Well, here's one I can support you on. She doesn't know what love is if she thinks she loves you that quickly. So to finish it up, 4 days after telling me she loves me, she turns 180 and now doesn't want a relationship. that she is scared its going too fast and wants to slow down. Wants to be just friends, or FWB.Someone going through a divorce has rollercoaster emotions. Who could have predicted that? I don't do Friends, I've already got enough.Sensible. So I wished her the best of luck and after i drop a few of her things to her, her kids toys, clothes, things left at my place. I will be going into NC. She doesn't want to see me so I am dropping these on her porch. What's your question? In general, dating someone going through a divorce is a bad idea. That person is most likely not over the relationship, and even if they don't have romantic feelings for their ex, divorce is a tumultuous time. Often if they seek out someone to date, they will project all sorts of attachment onto that person, then get freaked out when they notice that it was indeed a projection. Don't date someone going through a divorce. Wait many months longer to introduce someone to your kids. Prioritize what they are learning about relationships from you, and their stability, over the convenience of having your girlfriend around. 1
Light Breeze Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Elaine, I do agree with you, the words did eventually come out from me. So we were at an agreement as to having same feelings for eachother. She tells me she wants someone to fight for her, but 4 days later doesnt want someone to. So very confused and since then she has gone quiet. Thanks for the input. I don't really think that you not saying ILY back was the cause. She did the 180 only after 4 days of you not saying it back, it seems a bit much. Anyway, that is a moot point since you actually said the words. I still think this is still about the emotions when one goes through divorce.
Light Breeze Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Jon, Her husband cheated for two years and she had finally found outThey both have agreed to the divorce, terms, all that. She is finally getting the martial home listed for sale and trying to move on. They have tons of contact because of the kids, she has him around the house to fix things as they have to split the profits from the home sale. it started as just hanging out and hooking up, then things got real. ugh, such is life. I just feel like a dick to just up and abandon her, after i told her I would fight for her, and wouldnt allow her to just walk away. shaking my head at the moment. Thanks Alex Her husband cheated? Oh, this definitely about the divorce.
Author Alexjones1 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 I'm getting conflicting advice, lol such is life though. Thanks for all the input! Alex
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Elaine, I do agree with you, the words did eventually come out from me. So we were at an agreement as to having same feelings for eachother. She tells me she wants someone to fight for her, but 4 days later doesnt want someone to. So very confused and since then she has gone quiet. Thanks for the input. I guess now she feels you are just saying that to appease her and that you don't really mean it otherwise you would have said it back right away. Of course with the divorce so recent, then with her loving you and you loving her, maybe it just caused her to panic a bit. Divorce does tend to mess with people's heads so guilt may play a part here and she is maybe considering that this relationship is just a rebound too. I would tell her you are there for her and that you are still interested if she wants to talk, but you are not going to play silly games (maybe word it a bit better ) and put it all back in her court. If she doesn't contact you back, then you have your answer.
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Just seen the cheating part. OK her self esteem will be in her boots, you need to fight to show her you do really care, if you want her. Of course, she will be all over the place due to him cheating, so you have to decide whether this is something you want to take on as I doubt it will be plain sailing. Think carefully.
JonjMie Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 My ex GF husband also cheated on her, she found out 5 months into nthem adopting twin girls, shes clearly messed up although does a good job of hiding it, she has a strong network of friends which mask the pain for her I guess.
Author Alexjones1 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Just seen the cheating part. OK her self esteem will be in her boots, you need to fight to show her you do really care, if you want her. Of course, she will be all over the place due to him cheating, so you have to decide whether this is something you want to take on as I doubt it will be plain sailing. Think carefully. Do you really think she just wants me to fight for her? I feel she is worth it, but I don't want to look weak and pathetic either!
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Do you really think she just wants me to fight for her? I feel she is worth it, but I don't want to look weak and pathetic either! I don't think you should beg or look weak or pathetic, but her ego will be fragile, so she may have seen your attitude to her saying ily, as just more rejection. Ask her out, do something fun, take the heat off perhaps.
carhill Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Any opinions? Here's a cynical one. If I had a nickel for every similar story a MW told me...... e.g. going through a D and STBXH cheated. Sympathy hack for soliciting filler material.
kendahke Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Do you really think she just wants me to fight for her? I feel she is worth it, but I don't want to look weak and pathetic either! If you feel she's worth more than a FWB, then you should tell her exactly that, but that you also know she's still reeling from her discovery day and the divorce and that mess she's sorting out with her STBEx. That while you care deeply for her, you'd be a fool not to have some guard up because you, too, have a heart and you don't want it broken or trampled under foot. I don't think saying that will make you look weak and pathetic. It takes a strong person to stand in their truth and proclaim it--and take their a$$ whippin' for it, but if you believe it, do it. It's easy to turn tail, run and hide.
Author Alexjones1 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 If you feel she's worth more than a FWB, then you should tell her exactly that, but that you also know she's still reeling from her discovery day and the divorce and that mess she's sorting out with her STBEx. That while you care deeply for her, you'd be a fool not to have some guard up because you, too, have a heart and you don't want it broken or trampled under foot. I don't think saying that will make you look weak and pathetic. It takes a strong person to stand in their truth and proclaim it--and take their a$$ whippin' for it, but if you believe it, do it. It's easy to turn tail, run and hide. I agree with you, she is avoiding me at the moment. I will try and make some contact with her, I just know she is avoiding seeing me because to her it could add more to the already tangled mess she is dealing with.
rollercoaster11 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I agree with you, she is avoiding me at the moment. I will try and make some contact with her, I just know she is avoiding seeing me because to her it could add more to the already tangled mess she is dealing with. I cant believe that Im actually going to say this but do nc and you want have to lose your dignity. Women are attracted to strong and self assured men. She told you to stay away...give her what she thinks she wants. You just wait and she will come back to you...women realize when a man loves them and we all want that to be loved. Give it some time and you will get her back...that's if the feelings are mutual. She will get in touch with you and it will happen ou of the blue. In the meanwhile live your life. Remember to stay strong.
mightycpa Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 the sex was amazing Shazaam! I think that's because she had to prove (maybe to herself) that the cheating and divorce were not because of sex.
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