Day Two... Feel more empowered.

[jimmy1968]

Woke up this morning and read all the posts that have been made on my behalf. I feel stronger.

 

Yesterday I dismissed all her texts. Thinking this is gonna keep happening if I respond to her. Her being naked in front of me is my fault. Her texting me at 2AM is my fault. Because I put up with it.

 

Last night I blocked her on my phone around 9:30. She starts texting me monday mornings like clockwork. I blocked her this morning and was able to be mindful with my kids.

 

I'm not gonna let her mess with my life anymore. She was a living hell for me and I want to get to a place where I feel sorry for her that she has so many problems.

 

But for now it feels like I'm floating in the ocean fighting off a shark that wants to eat me. But that same ocean is filled with freedom that is sometimes hard to see how vast it is. You guys have been my life raft.

 

I'm gonna get really strong and I deserve much better for my life. Than I'll deal with the other issues and hold her accountable for her actions when they arise.

 

Thanks again!

[jimmy1968]

I also have take ownership for my actions. I put my hand in the fire and get burned. I can see the fire much clearly. I'm the one playing with fire and I need to put in place boudaries that will contain it.

[Ralph79]

Great to hear you start off the week with a healthy mindset. !! Keep it up.

 

Also, don't blame yourself for what she does. Only for what you let her do to you.

[KBarletta]

I also have take ownership for my actions. I put my hand in the fire and get burned. I can see the fire much clearly. I'm the one playing with fire and I need to put in place boudaries that will contain it.

 

Good to hear. Outside of communication on matters concerning your kids (and given her erratic and irresponsible behavior, you have a right to be quite concerned for their welfare, in my opinion), I would leave her hanging on all fronts. Set boundaries on all levels. NC on everything not child related. No meet-ups, no phone calls, no texts. I wouldn't even walk in the door of her house, or let her inside yours. Keep those boundaries very clearly defined.

 

Also, on a side note and a word of advice: I think it would be better for you and those following along to stick to one thread rather than starting a new one each time a new thought enters your head. Just a thought.

 

Hang in there and stay strong!

[BetrayedH]

I'm all good with enforcing a healthy boundary and removing unhealthy people from your life. That said, you can't completely remove her since you're stuck coparenting with her.

 

I'm a little challenged with the idea of "blocking her." She's the mother of your children. How is she supposed to reach you in the event of an emergency? Also, in my divorce agreement, neither parent can block or hamper the other parent's attempts to have contact with the children.

 

I don't necessarily have answers for you on how to proceed. My ex doesn't do unreasonable stuff like yours. I would just challenge you to consider how you can proceed and still defend your positions as "reasonable." Limited contact is reasonable. Blocking the other parent entirely seems unreasonable. I think you somehow need to find a middle ground or you'll potentially be perceived (by a court) as the unreasonable parent, which makes you less likely to get custody.

[Ralph79]

I'm all good with enforcing a healthy boundary and removing unhealthy people from your life. That said, you can't completely remove her since you're stuck coparenting with her.

 

I'm a little challenged with the idea of "blocking her." She's the mother of your children. How is she supposed to reach you in the event of an emergency? Also, in my divorce agreement, neither parent can block or hamper the other parent's attempts to have contact with the children.

 

I don't necessarily have answers for you on how to proceed. My ex doesn't do unreasonable stuff like yours. I would just challenge you to consider how you can proceed and still defend your positions as "reasonable." Limited contact is reasonable. Blocking the other parent entirely seems unreasonable. I think you somehow need to find a middle ground or you'll potentially be perceived (by a court) as the unreasonable parent, which makes you less likely to get custody.

 

Do you think involving a 3rd party to screen/filter her messages could work under these circumstances? She's clearly going to take advantage of any window of opportunity he gives her otherwise.

[jimmy1968]

I'm only blocking her when she doesn't need to reach me. Like in the morning when I'm making my kids breakfast. My daughter has a doctors appt today to get some immunization. So I unblocked to communicate around that. If my daughter is here and it's past 10PM I'm blocking her so we can sleep.

 

I just had a communication around the appt, and then she works in how she wants to see me and rambles on about other things. I told her I'm really busy at work need to go and will be putting my phone on do not disturb. Ended the conversation there. It feels good to be in control of the messaging and I will find the right balance. But for now I will not let her send me text messages at 2AM about how happy she is without me.

 

Also spoke with an attorney today around other matters, including the breast feeding. When I have my boundaries in place I gonna take care of my kids fully.

 

I'm gonna plan everything very mindfully so I can get on with my life.

[BetrayedH]

Yeah, I can understand not being willing to accept bullcrap texts at 2am.

 

My ex and I do the vast majority of our communicating via email. It respects the other person's time (allowing them to respond at their convenience rather than immediately) and allows for responses that are drafted more completely. I also like to save communications around important subjects and that's easier with individual emails than it is to retrieve from a lengthy text thread.

 

Perhaps you communicate your desire to have most communication done via email and to limit texts to urgent situations (like emergencies or "I'm running late."). Let her know that if she can abide by this, you can leave her unblocked so she can always reach you. But if she can't respect your personal time and space, then communicate that you'll be forced to block her at busy times.

 

Just trying to give you a defensible position. I'd discuss with your attorney at your next meeting, too.

[BetrayedH]

Do you think involving a 3rd party to screen/filter her messages could work under these circumstances? She's clearly going to take advantage of any window of opportunity he gives her otherwise.

 

Maybe. But honestly, I'm not sure I have anyone that I'd want to subject to being an intermediary for her nonsense. And of course, you'd like to get to a point where the adults can actually interact like adults. I suspect the OP can eventually find a balance if he keeps up consistently with minimal contact (only what's really necessary and not a word more). Silence communicates volumes.

[jimmy1968]

I just took a walk and thought about it. The sun is out today and it's super nice.

 

As soon as she starts abusing it, I'll block her and tell her that she will need to email me. When we first got divorces she would text, than facebook and than email when I didn't give her a response.

 

The email seems to work better. I have a smart phone and can get emails right away. But she seemed to put less in an email because she knows I hang on to them. Which I will.

 

Most of her communication is not a crisis, its a way of keeping me under her thumb. Keeping tabs on me.

 

I know if I have good boundaries she will get the picture faster. I have not had good boundaries with her because I'm an enabler and have been addicted to the communication. I feel positive about making the change.

 

I know what I'm dealing with now. I'm still alittle shaky but feel like there is a light out there I need to see.

[jimmy1968]

I also don't want to have a bunch of communications with her on how this will work. She has a habit of sucking me in having a simple conversation turn into a two hour one and getting off topic to her many other problems. I just need to tell her how it is when it is happening. Direct not messing around.

 

If she has a problem with it she can take me to court, which she will not because she is afraid of someone finding out she is crazy.

 

Also I'm kinda fragile and could cave into her schemes and talking. So unfortunetly the only way it will work is if I protect myself. In month it will be easier, two even easier.

 

Than I will not care. And will laugh at her schemes and just blow them off.

 

I can see the path. I can see my future without her. I can also see how I've been a schemer in this also. I play my part, but I'm also the one that gets hurt more and always have.

[hoping2heal]

Hi Jimmy,

 

Glad to hear you're finding something that works for you. I'm sure it is not ideal to have to resort to blocking but when you're dealing with a creature of a different nature then you cannot exactly play by the standard set of rules, either. You have discussed your vulnerabilities and I agree that she will take advantage of any communication mode given to her.

 

I do think things will improve eventually, when she realizes you're serious. Right now she has herself believing she can still manipulate you. I wasn't kidding when I said to print out that one post you had written. The best defense a bunch of manipulation is the truth.