He confessed he still has feeling for his ex (of 20 yrs ago!!!!)

[lillie_loves]

Please help

 

As I type this I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and recently moved in with him. He is a few years older (39) I am 32. When we first got together we both talked about the fact that we were looking to settle down. He knew that the reason I left my previous partner was his unwillingness to commit. That being said I never wanted to 'push' the marriage issue and thought he will do it when he is ready. He has dropped lots of hints and always talks about 'us' getting married, starting a family etc. So I thought the proposal will come soon. Then at Christmas my brother surprised his girlfriend of 7 months by proposing to her. Whilst I tried not to show it, I spent the whole of Christmas feeling incredibly sad that my boyfriend still had not proposed after almost 3 years. Our relationship is very loving and passionate and we have a lot of similar interests, so I didn't understand what was stopping him. He then said that 'he didn't want to steal the limelight' from my brother and this upset me as it felt like he was putting my brother's feelings before mine. To cut a long story short, he was made redundant before Christmas and has been living back at his relative's farm during the week (about an hour away from our place) So currently we only see each other at weekends. At first it seemed that 'absence made the hear grow fonder'. A fortnight ago he suddenly seemed keen to get engaged as soon as possible and started saying he should go over and talk to my parents and then we will go ring shopping. Obviously I was over the moon. However last weekend he came home and was acting a bit standoffish all weekend, not responding to my sexual advances, and then it all came flooding out that he was now 'confused' and having doubts. He said he wasn't sure he should marry me because although he loves me a lot he isn't head over heels in love with me. Obviously this was like a kick in the teeth but I said to him well after 3 years it is rare to still be 'infatuated' with each other. I had a feeling that he must have been talking to someone who had put doubts in his head but he denied it. However today he texted me to say the reason he is so confused is that he still has feelings for his 'first love' (from 20 years ago!!!) even though she is now married with kids and no longer lives in the area. It turns out that while he has been working on the farm one of the old farmers has been talking to him and bringing up memories of this old girlfriend who used to work on the farm with him when they were teenagers, and telling him he shouldn't marry me if he is still thinking of his ex. Obviously I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. Having gone from talking about our future together to suddenly talking about his teenage sweetheart from 20 years ago. Stupidly I told my mum last weekend that he was about to propose, now I feel so ashamed to tell her he's not over his first love and that actually we might even be breaking up. He hasn't talked about breaking up but I am dreading it in the pit of my stomach. Just in time for Valentines day of course!!!

[Davey L]

I think a lot of guys have times when they have doubts about the commitment they are making, whether they express those thoughts or not.

 

Also consider that he recently lost his job which will also affect his thinking. That's a big deal for most guys because we like to feel we are capable of providing for our families.

 

And I have feelings for most of my ex's. That doesn't mean I'd want to go back to them just that I have fond memories of them from 20 or 30 years ago.

 

Is there any way to be living together with him and away from those influencing him? Then take the pressure to marry off him for a while until he has a job again?

[lillie_loves]

Thank you for replying.

 

I have just got off the phone to him after a very long chat. He shocked me by telliing me that he actually saw the ex last week when he advertised for some horse shoes locally and she turned up at the farm (she has horses). It turns out that the ex does actually still live in the area and has actually split up from her husband of 13 years, it turns out they didn't have kids. He admitted that he still felt butterflies in his stomach when he saw her. Obviously this was pretty devastating for me to hear. He said he told her about me and said 'I didn't deserve to get hurt.' I really don't know what to make from that. He says he doesn't want to lose what we've got and that we make a good team, and that deep down he knows that if he got back with her things might not be the same as they were when they were 19, and then he listed off the reasons why he broke up with her in the first place (all those years ago). He says it was stupid of him to agree for her to come and drop off the horse shoes as it bought back all the memories from their teenage romance and now he feels confused about everything.

 

I told him I didn't want him to get any more horse shoes from her and I would prefer it if he did not see her again, and he said he wouldn't. However there is a part of me that worries, what if the temptation of rekindling romance proves too much? I told him whatever happens, if he would rather be with her then he must be honest with me and I don't want to keep him from being reunited with his 'one true love' if that is what he wants. (Even though it would break my heart.)

 

Anyway, how did we leave it... well I told him to try and see the bigger picture and to think about where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years time and with who? I asked him to think realistically, whether being with his ex 20 years on would be as rosy as it was when they were 18 or 19. I asked him to think about all the reasons why the relationship didn't work out (she spend all her time with her horses, she didnt get on with his sister, she stopped him from doing some of his favourite sports, he didn't get on with her mother etc etc.) I told him he should realise that when he was with her he was a teenager and his hormones were raging so of course things were passionate and I'm sure they were at it like rabbits. But 20 years on? I mean, sex is great between us but he's no spring chicken now.

 

I finished the call by telling him not to think about weddings or engagement and to focus on enjoying what we have together and that we should do fun things like kayaking and going out for date nights and appreciating each other rather than feeling pressured to get married. I said I do want to marry him but only if he wants to marry me and only he can make that decision.

 

I don't know what more to do. I want to trust him but knowing that he is going to be down working on the farm during the week for the next few weeks or months really scares me as his ex could just turn up again if she is feeling lonely and he might just be tempted to rekindle this flame. What hurt me the most was when he said that when he saw her it was 'as if all those years had never happened' and it was 'just like being 19 again.' That just cut right through me.

[Winterina]

Oh honey... the way to get him back is to get back at him. I mean, for me this would be a serious case of emotional cheating. Someone from 20 years ago is so important to him that he would doubt your relationship and put a stop on your wedding plans.

So do yourself a favour and start going out with a new handsome friend, put him on the edge by enjoying a male company. You will see how he will start appreciating you more and will run back to you. He is taking you for granted. That is why he can do this and get away with it.

 

 

Are you sure you can be happy with him after this? Even if you two get married, marriage is not the end, but beginning of the story...

[Davey L]

If he's seeing this other woman thenitsmore serious than I thought. At the moment he has two options open and of course he will like to keep it like that. Don't be plan B. i'd suggest telling him that if he's not serious about you that you're going to break things off.

[stillcold]

Hi there, I am really sorry to hear what you are going through

 

I know it's the last thing you expected or wanted, but now you can think about what you what to do given some new information about your boyfriend. If he says he is unsure about you, talking about butterflies for his ex, then please, please, please, take this as a big warning and walk away. If, after 3 years of time together and you are SURE that you want to marry him, then he should feel the same but he doesn't. For your sake, I don't want you to be a plan B. I know it's hard but don't marry after what he told you about this ex and his feelings. Let us know what you do.

[beach]

I'm not sure you can stand in the way. His feelings for her are intense.

 

And now she's available. And he's there and you're not during his week.

 

I think it was his way of wanting to say he wants to break up.

 

Trying to control him won't make him feel differently.

 

Consider letting him go so he can be with her. You don't want to be his second choice.

[lillie_loves]

Thanks for your replies. God I just feel so sick, like in the pit of my stomach. I genuinely thought all this was long dead and buried as in my opinion you have to move on from the past.

 

The worst thing is that even if we break up and he ends up seeing her for a while I can't see it working out in the long run due to all the things that caused them to break up in the first place. And then he'll be back to square one and lost both of us.

 

I always felt that I could trust him 100%. The trouble is now I feel like he could be doing anything during the week, and I was stupid enough to trust him down at the farm with his relatives. He says he won't see her again and that it was a mistake but if he is feeling starry-eyed then nothing will stop him meeting up one more time 'just for old times sake'.

 

I just can't believe we have gone from almost 'getting engaged' to almost 'breaking up' in the space of 2 weeks. And it is not just as easy as leaving and moving out as I am currently training for my PGCE (teaching qualification) so I have no income apart from student loan which is not enough to rent a place of my own. I don't have any friends in the area either so nobody to stay with.

 

You are right, I don't want to be his 'plan B' and I don't want to be standing at the altar with him and he is thinking "oh if only it was {his ex}". But then he says he does love me and that we are good team. But I don't want him to be lying in bed thinking he'd rather be with her.

 

What kills me the most is that I actually encouraged him to start his own business and that is why he is down at the farm using their equipment until he can afford to invest in his own and find a premises closer to home. I've helped him to build his business up, I built him a website, I came up with a name for the company. I feel as though by encouraging him and helping him I've actually facilitated the downfall of our relationship.

 

The only plan I can think of at the moment is to give it 4 or 5 months, by which time I will have finished my training and hopefully have secured a job, in the meantime I am going to focus on looking after myself, go to the gym, get fit and get my confidence back, and by the time summer comes around if he still 'confused' about what he wants then I will leave him and my cut my losses.

[LoveMyHusband]

Thanks for your replies. God I just feel so sick, like in the pit of my stomach. I genuinely thought all this was long dead and buried as in my opinion you have to move on from the past.

 

The worst thing is that even if we break up and he ends up seeing her for a while I can't see it working out in the long run due to all the things that caused them to break up in the first place. And then he'll be back to square one and lost both of us.

 

I always felt that I could trust him 100%. The trouble is now I feel like he could be doing anything during the week, and I was stupid enough to trust him down at the farm with his relatives. He says he won't see her again and that it was a mistake but if he is feeling starry-eyed then nothing will stop him meeting up one more time 'just for old times sake'.

 

I just can't believe we have gone from almost 'getting engaged' to almost 'breaking up' in the space of 2 weeks. And it is not just as easy as leaving and moving out as I am currently training for my PGCE (teaching qualification) so I have no income apart from student loan which is not enough to rent a place of my own. I don't have any friends in the area either so nobody to stay with.

 

You are right, I don't want to be his 'plan B' and I don't want to be standing at the altar with him and he is thinking "oh if only it was {his ex}". But then he says he does love me and that we are good team. But I don't want him to be lying in bed thinking he'd rather be with her.

 

What kills me the most is that I actually encouraged him to start his own business and that is why he is down at the farm using their equipment until he can afford to invest in his own and find a premises closer to home. I've helped him to build his business up, I built him a website, I came up with a name for the company. I feel as though by encouraging him and helping him I've actually facilitated the downfall of our relationship.

 

The only plan I can think of at the moment is to give it 4 or 5 months, by which time I will have finished my training and hopefully have secured a job, in the meantime I am going to focus on looking after myself, go to the gym, get fit and get my confidence back, and by the time summer comes around if he still 'confused' about what he wants then I will leave him and my cut my losses.

 

I would stick around just for the financial situation. And then when that improves, I would walk out on his ass. He obviously still loves her. Don't have sex with him. She might have something.

[CarrieT]

The only plan I can think of at the moment is to give it 4 or 5 months, by which time I will have finished my training and hopefully have secured a job, in the meantime I am going to focus on looking after myself, go to the gym, get fit and get my confidence back, and by the time summer comes around if he still 'confused' about what he wants then I will leave him and my cut my losses.

I think this is allowing him to play both of you and those four or five months will be very detrimental to you.

 

I'm sorry you are in the financial bind, but I think you would be better served by ending it now.

 

As others have said, you are his Plan B and even if/when he does chose you, there will always be those nagging questions in your mind of, "Did He Just Settle For Me Because She Was Not Available?"

 

You deserve better than this...

[Poppygoodwill]

What a horrible situation. I'm really sorry this has happened. I agree with those that say this is a HUGE red flag and that you must step back and see what he does. YOu've done an amazing job by giving him room to breathe with what you told him. You can also think of it as 'rope'....and now you'll see if he's going to hang himself with it by stepping out on you with the old gf.

 

Whatever he decides to do, I think it's fair to say that your faith in him is very reasonably shaken to the core. IF he comes to his senses and recommits to you, you'd be well within your rights to continue to hold him at a distance and let him prove his loyalty to you *before* seriously considering the next step. You will be tempted at that point to rush into engagement to somehow prevent it from happening again and repair the damage, but you will have to be wise and patient to know his true heart.

 

But all that aside, I'm sorry to say that this manouever has all the signs of a man trying to find his way out of a relationship. It might be that he suddenly wanted to get engaged only because he thought a Big Gesture would somehow make him want to stay, and prevent him from dumping you and being the bad guy who leaves a perfectly good and loving woman. I had an ex-bf with a long pattern of finding his way out of relationships by getting infatuated with coworkers or old gfs, and it was always, always a sign that he was on his way out. He did the same to me, though by then I had cottoned on to him and was halfway out the door myself.

 

Anyhow - keep your wits about you. Do go to the gym, focus on yourself, talk to your friends, eat well, try to sleep and manage the anxiety and sick feeling in your tummy by taking care of yourself. Give him a bit of time to work it out, but be mindful of your own needs. At some point, you can tell him to fish or cut bait, and walk away.

 

sending hugs

[Rainbowlove]

Look at it this way, at least this came up now and not after you said "I do".

 

I can appreciate his honesty. It couldn't have been easy for him to tell you knowing how much it would hurt you and also risk ending your relationship.

 

Step away from him. Tell him you are hurt and need space to figure out what you want and where your life is going.

 

If he loves you, this should be a wake up call to him.

 

If he doesn't act after you take space, this should be your wake up call to keep walking away and stay away.

[BeatsByDirk]

I think if you want to salvage this relationship you should fully end it. Just do you and let him figure it out and if he asks to revisit the relationship later just say you don't know because you shouldn't know.

I feel like certain guys fall in love once in their life for real and the rest is just a mixture of enfatuation and love. I love my wife and I can't see choosing anyone over her to be my wife, the intensity of what I feel for her is nowhere near the feelings I felt during my first love. That passion still haunts me today and even though I would want nothing to do with her but the thought of having those feelings back is mighty enticing!

3 years is a little deep to be waffling like this!

My message would be: I'm done, I'm way too deep into this to be putting breaks on things at my age, if you don't want to be moving towards something more permenant, if your still confused at this point you will always be confused, you should lose my number until your mind is truly made up, no games, I bought into this relationship but not afraid to lose it if you are willing to be frivolous with my time.

I don't feel like this is an ultimatum I feel like it's very appropriate at your age and the length of the relationship if there wasn't another arrangement discussed beforehand.

If you haven't lived your life, had some kids and marriages, if you want to get married, why waste anytime after one year of dating if marriage isn't the discussed agreed direction of the relationship if marriage is what you want. It feels disrespectful to yourself to not demand more.

[lillie_loves]

Thank you for all your comments. I had a long conversation with him and he said that he does want to try and make our relationship work and that I just have to trust him. However of course it is easy to say that being in his position... it is one thing to have blind trust in someone but how do I know he is not emotionally pre-occupied. I want to trust him and I've never had any reason not to trust him in the past, however I think he is missing the point. The point is... it's all very well trusting in him but that does not solve the issue of where his heart lies. I also found out that he was actually Facebook friends with her and he had 'liked' her profile pic recently... maybe I am over reacting but this really upset me as it is disrespectful. I told him this and he said he would deactivate his account if it upset me that much but I can't help feeling it is just a bluff, because I would much rather he just defriended and blocked her. I didn't say this because I don't want to come accross as really controlling however, he asked me to defriend my ex a couple of years ago and I did, so I guess I feel upset that he can't see things from my perspective. The fact that he is facebook friends (for a few months now - not sure if he added her or vice versa) upsets me as it shows that he still wants keep her in his life (albeit digitally). He says he hasn't been talking to her and that we just need to trust each other, but I feel a bit like, by even looking at pictures of her (And 'liking' them) on Facebook is emotionally dishonest. I have cut off all contact with my exes and it just saddens me that he won't do the same. Especially as he had always said he would never be Facebook friends with any of his exes... and then hey presto suddenly he changes his mind.