My girlfriend constantly accuses me of being controlling and making her explain

[Rbd110]

My girlfriend constantly accuses me of asking her what she's doing, where she is etc. Problem is a literally never ask her. She has a ton of family stuff and frequently disappears all day and doesn't answer her phone, which does seem odd because the few times we're together she is glued to her phone. We broke up once in October for a month because I found out she'd been cheating on me for the entire year we were together. She actually ended it with me because she said she had to cheat on me because I scared her. A month later she showed up at my door and begged forgiveness and came clean on everything and i took her back.

 

3 weeks after i took her back she started disappearing all day and she said she had been busy with errands for her family all day. Weeks of this go by and eventually I asked what "errands all day entales? Im just curious what your life is like now" and she flipped saying she's already explained and she's tired of repeating herself.

 

That was 7 weeks ago and since i have been very careful how I phrase things because if I ask how her day was she says I'm leading towards questioning her and that she feels like she has to account for everything she does. I stopped texting her at all until night time and then I would say "Id love to hear from you if you have time tonight" and she said that was me guilting her and pressuring her. She said she's over textig all day because it's not high school.

 

I left her alone for 4 days then finally last night I asked her if she was seeing someone else. She flipped and said no and threatened to break up with me if I keep "punishing" her for being busy and holding what she did to me over her head. She said she's tired of being accused. She asked me if I've been talking to the guy she cheated with or checking up on her with her family, literally out of nowhere because I've never even hinted at that. I told her that was unfair and she said it's just a matter of time until I do that.

 

She explained how busy she's been and when she started explaining again i told her I don't care what she's been up to that she doesn't need to explain long as she's not cheating again. I told her o believe her that she isn't cheating. She kept going and explaining then at the end told me she is tired of me asking her and making her explain. I told her that i told her to not explain and she said that i would of asked her to explain eventually so she had to and that if I kept asking her she'd end up leaving me. She then screen captured where i said I believed her and said that "this is" what she's tired of, me not believing her.

 

When i took her back she promised to stay in therapy. She said she knows she has real mental issues. She dropped out though after 3 weeks. I don't know what to do. She constantly accuses me of things I never said. I don't her if she doesn't stop twisting everything I say and accusing me of things I didn't say i will leave her. Please, advice?

[kendahke]

1. No one HAS to do anything but breathe, urinate, defecate, die and pay taxes.

2. Taking her back after making such a preposterous accusation was your big mistake.

3. The best defense is a good offense.

4. The guilty make the most noise.

 

What you should do is dump her because she broke her promise to stay in therapy and get her act together. She doesn't need a boyfriend; she needs a psychologist.

[Rbd110]

1. No one HAS to do anything but breathe, urinate, defecate, die and pay taxes.

2. Taking her back after making such a preposterous accusation was your big mistake.

3. The best defense is a good offense.

4. The guilty make the most noise.

 

What you should do is dump her because she broke her promise to stay in therapy and get her act together. She doesn't need a boyfriend; she needs a psychologist.

 

I guess so. The way it ended last night, I don't even know if we're still together. I love her so much and I always think about how good it was during the good times. I try to do everything for her, I've never felt so controlled. I'm extremely in-charge in my life except with her i have to make sure it's exactly how she wants. I'm so careful what i say- I can't ask what her plans are for the day, what her work schedule is like, what she's up to... Just basic things I think most couples do and things she herself used to casually ask me also and I never thought twice about it. Now if I don't leave her alone all day she gets enraged and says she always needs to explain herself and repeat herself even though no one is asking her to. I pay so many of her bills too because I've been trying to help her financially. She swore when i took her back that she'd never threaten to leave me after what happened last year. I can't think of one promise she ever kept actually. I guess I'm an idiot for taking her back.

 

Edit: thank you very much for the reply, I do appreciate it.

[Darren Steez]

I guess so. The way it ended last night, I don't even know if we're still together. I love her so much and I always think about how good it was during the good times. I try to do everything for her, I've never felt so controlled. I'm extremely in-charge in my life except with her i have to make sure it's exactly how she wants. I'm so careful what i say- I can't ask what her plans are for the day, what her work schedule is like, what she's up to... Just basic things I think most couples do and things she herself used to casually ask me also and I never thought twice about it. Now if I don't leave her alone all day she gets enraged and says she always needs to explain herself and repeat herself even though no one is asking her to. I pay so many of her bills too because I've been trying to help her financially. She swore when i took her back that she'd never threaten to leave me after what happened last year. I can't think of one promise she ever kept actually. I guess I'm an idiot for taking her back.

 

Edit: thank you very much for the reply, I do appreciate it.

 

The sexiest thing a man can do is be in charge of himself and not give an eff to what anybody tells him..as long as he's in the right.

 

She cheated on you for an entire year. She just doesn't respect you, then on top of that you still take her back and on top of that she still goes off doing whatever she does then accuses you of being controlling.

 

Brah, plenty of other girls you can love out there. This girl aint loyal.

Start running and never look back. She's not worth it. Stop being a doormat.

[Chi townD]

Lets see. She cheated on you for a year. You take her back and now she disappears throughout the day and you can't get a hold of her and you get blasted if you ask her about her day. And she also guards her phone like Fort Knox.

 

 

Do you really need me to explain what's going on here?

[Rbd110]

It seems a lot clearer what's going on now.. Even if she's not cheating, her reactions and emotionally controlling behavior isn't acceptable. I can't get over how perfect it is when we see each other in person though which is only about 3 times a month though

[Chi townD]

It seems a lot clearer what's going on now.. Even if she's not cheating, her reactions and emotionally controlling behavior isn't acceptable. I can't get over how perfect it is when we see each other in person though which is only about 3 times a month though

 

 

Well, that's hardly a relationship dude.

 

 

One thing about someone that cheats on you, and you take them back, their life must be transparent to you. It's obvious that she's not transparent with you and hiding things.

 

 

You deserve better, dude. And trust me, better is out there.

[Rbd110]

Well, that's hardly a relationship dude.

 

 

One thing about someone that cheats on you, and you take them back, their life must be transparent to you. It's obvious that she's not transparent with you and hiding things.

 

 

You deserve better, dude. And trust me, better is out there.

 

It sucks cause my ex before this one had a kid and she cheated on me a few times. Sometimes with the baby daddy. I actually didn't find out until after we had broken up, but she'd always disappear from my life and Id never know why. My current girlfriend knows all this and I honestly expected her to not do the same. Last time me and my current girlfriend dated(before I found out she was cheating) she kept making promises to move in with me and I got a bigger apartment in preparation but then she kept saying she had too much family stuff going on to make any life changes and she put me off for six months until we split. I felt like an idiot. This time she's tellin me she has no time because of family issues and other various phrases that are exactly how she phrased it last time.

 

I'd like to think she's too smart to use the exact same lies twice cause she is very intelligent but it feels like déjà vu all over again. Once i added her to my phone plan and gave her a key to my place again it's like the game was over and she won me back again and stopped trying.

[kendahke]

I pay so many of her bills too because I've been trying to help her financially..

 

Honey.. Honey... HONEY!!!!! No!!!! You don't pay the bills of someone who then turns around and tells you that you can't ask simple questions about where they were or what they did for hours at a stretch. If she's that damb grown, then she's grown enough to pay her bills. Stop doing it today!!! Tough rocks if something gets cut off---she needs to turn that attitude on her bill collectors, since she's all big and bad like that.

 

No more paying her way. Dump her and let her fend for herself. She sounds like she can handle whatever life throws at her, since she's basically punking you.

 

Cut her off, boo.

[kendahke]

 

One thing about someone that cheats on you, and you take them back, their life must be transparent to you.

 

Not only that, but the ball is then in their corner, not yours. That is why she isn't being transparent with you--she knows you want her more than you want to be alone til you find a woman who will treat you with respect--IOW: she's found your Achilles heel and she's slicing the hell out of it.

[mammasita]

She cheated on you for a year!!!!!!!!!! Why would you EVER take her back. I bet the guy she cheated with got tired of her and she came running back to you as the old standby.

 

Her shenanigans are proof nothing has changed.

[Rbd110]

Honey.. Honey... HONEY!!!!! No!!!! You don't pay the bills of someone who then turns around and tells you that you can't ask simple questions about where they were or what they did for hours at a stretch. If she's that damb grown, then she's grown enough to pay her bills. Stop doing it today!!! Tough rocks if something gets cut off---she needs to turn that attitude on her bill collectors, since she's all big and bad like that.

 

No more paying her way. Dump her and let her fend for herself. She sounds like she can handle whatever life throws at her, since she's basically punking you.

 

Cut her off, boo.

 

I'm worried I'm giving her ammunition to say i abandoned her just like all the others if I cut her off. I know she doesn't deserve the help at this point though. Part of me feels like maybe I'm insane. She keeps telling me that I'm saying all these things to her but i go and reread the conversation and I didn't say them. She's so insistent though it makes me feel crazy

[BeatsByDirk]

Why are you with her?

Why do your girlfriends cheat on you?

The answer is the same to both questions! You don't act like a man I charge of jack shnizz!(from you description)

When she gets all indignant just ask her why did she even bother coming back?

If you don't like the way I act, you don't like the questions I ask then just go away!

It's that easy! I wonder what she would say if your broke plans with her to go on a date with someone else(not a fake date!!!!)?

Good luck but it seems like she's still cheating and it sounds like she despises you!

[kendahke]

I'm worried I'm giving her ammunition to say i abandoned her just like all the others if I cut her off. I know she doesn't deserve the help at this point though. Part of me feels like maybe I'm insane. She keeps telling me that I'm saying all these things to her but i go and reread the conversation and I didn't say them. She's so insistent though it makes me feel crazy

 

Let her say it!!! And let her be gone, then!! Let her go find someone who wants to be put through the crazy soup, unless you want to? Is that really how you want to invest your youth--behind someone crazy who is making you out to be crazy?

 

She doesn't get to call the shots here and the only reason why she is insistent is because YOU LET HER RUN OVER YOU!!! That has to stop.

 

Sweetheart, I can tell you right now that her sex isn't so mind blowing that the crap she dumps at your feet is worth picking through. No woman's kitty is THAT damb good to put up with what she's handing you.

 

What she is doing is gaslighting you. That's a form of mental abuse. Emotionally controlling and abusive. She gets away with it because you don't stand up for yourself.

 

Stop enabling her. Stop paying her bills and let her fend for herself since she is so big and bad. Seriously. No one who has a healthy consideration of themselves would allow someone to treat them the way she treats you.

 

Cheating on you for a whole year is really pathetic. Blaming you and saying you made her do it sounds like a physical abuser who blames the woman he just beat up for making him mad and hitting her. NO! She's grown, she needs to take responsibility for what she did and sometimes that means she doesn't get to have other people pay her bills.

 

There is nothing you can counter with that will move me off of my telling you to put her behind out of your life for good.

[Rbd110]

Let her say it!!! And let her be gone, then!! Let her go find someone who wants to be put through the crazy soup, unless you want to? Is that really how you want to invest your youth--behind someone crazy who is making you out to be crazy?

 

She doesn't get to call the shots here and the only reason why she is insistent is because YOU LET HER RUN OVER YOU!!! That has to stop.

 

Sweetheart, I can tell you right now that her sex isn't so mind blowing that the crap she dumps at your feet is worth picking through. No woman's kitty is THAT damb good to put up with what she's handing you.

 

What she is doing is gaslighting you. That's a form of mental abuse. Emotionally controlling and abusive. She gets away with it because you don't stand up for yourself.

 

Stop enabling her. Stop paying her bills and let her fend for herself since she is so big and bad. Seriously. No one who has a healthy consideration of themselves would allow someone to treat them the way she treats you.

 

Cheating on you for a whole year is really pathetic. Blaming you and saying you made her do it sounds like a physical abuser who blames the woman he just beat up for making him mad and hitting her. NO! She's grown, she needs to take responsibility for what she did and sometimes that means she doesn't get to have other people pay her bills.

 

There is nothing you can counter with that will move me off of my telling you to put her behind out of your life for good.

 

You are so right. I know you're right. It's really hard to take that step. Is there anything you can recommend to me as an alternative for leaving her but still maintain my dignity and try and take back control of my own mind? Or is leaving her the only option at this point? It's hard to actually end it.

 

When I tell people in my life they are shocked that i let her treat me this way. I always stand up for myself and I'm very assertive normally but she broke me down somehow.

[Rbd110]

I don't want to be treated this way at all, it didn't start out this way. She was perfect for the first six months. It's just that once you love someone you grasp at any hope for it to work and that's what I've been doing

[Radu]

You know what the common denominator in these relationships is OP ?

YOU

 

You let them get away with this, you seek these women and you settle for what they offer [which is selfishness].

 

It's obvious how unhealthy this one is.

 

Why don't you write down all your relationships and describe them ?

Is there a progression there ?

[kendahke]

You are so right. I know you're right. It's really hard to take that step. Is there anything you can recommend to me as an alternative for leaving her but still maintain my dignity and try and take back control of my own mind? Or is leaving her the only option at this point? It's hard to actually end it.

 

When I tell people in my life they are shocked that i let her treat me this way. I always stand up for myself and I'm very assertive normally but she broke me down somehow.

 

 

Really, the only alternative is for her to flip into being someone she isn't showing any signs or interest in becoming for either you or the preservation of your relationship or your mind. She is the one who has to make some serious changes, to atone for what she's done and from what you've written, she ain't there. She ain't gonna be there.

 

Actually, it's not hard to end it. It's quite easy to do that. The DECISION to end it is what's hard. You're hanging on to psychotic hope that she will walk through the door being someone she's not so that you don't have to feel sad, rejected, alone, etc.

 

You have given her the keys to your soul and you see how she esteems that. She doesn't have the ability to or interest in seeing your value--and to be truthful, you're not able to see your value, because people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you don't feel you deserve better from her, she sho' ain't gonna take a cue from you on that tip. She's going to treat you the way you've shown her you deserve to be treated. Now, if you believe that you have value and deserve to be treated better than that, then your actions will follow suit and you will put her out of your life for good. Even if it means you file a restraining order against her to keep her out of your sphere, do it because your sanity is riding on you standing up and standing sentry to your own boundaries.

 

When you start treating her like someone you used to didn't know, you will see your sanity returning. That girl has got problems you are not equipped to handle. Like I said earlier, she needs a psychologist, not a boyfriend. She needs to pay her own way like an adult if she's grown enough to go cheat on you for a whole year or stay gone for hours/days on end.

 

I don't know what else I can tell you to get through to you.

 

I'll leave you with this story:

A girl was standing at the edge of a fast running creek. A snake slide up beside her and said to her "I need to cross the creek, but it's flowing too swiftly and I may drown. Will you put me in your pocket and take me across to the other side?"

 

The girl said "No! You will bite me if I do that!"

 

The snake said " No I won't. I promise I won't bite you. Please let me ride in your pocket".

 

The girl thought about it and decided to pick up the snake and put him in her pocket. She waded across the fast moving water and made it to the other side. When she reached into her pocket to retrieve the snake, it bit her.

 

"Owwww!!!!" she cried. "You said you would not bite me if I gave you a ride in my pocket to the other side!!"

 

The snake said to her "But you knew what I was when you picked me up and put me in your pocket."

 

Your girlfriend is a snake. She screwed another man for a whole year without any regard for you, your esteem or the esteem of your relationship. She came back to you because she knew she could talk you into going against your best interests for her own selfish gain. The fact that your snake is repeatedly biting you every time she gaslights you, disappears then lies about conversations you've never had with her, gets enraged with you for asking questions that any couple would ask one another. She is pumping venom into your psyche every time she bites and baby boy, THAT AIN'T LOVE. A WOMAN WHO LOVES YOU DOES NOT ACT LIKE SHE DOES.

 

Yes, it's hard to leave, but you have to believe you are worth better treatment. As long as you don't feel you do, she isn't going to treat you better. Change the locks on the door, cancel her phone from your phone plan and if needs be, file a restraining order against her. She can go live with her family, since that's where see claims she's spending all of her time.

[Rbd110]

I don't want to be treated this way at all, it didn't start out this way. She was perfect for the first six months. It's just that once you love someone you grasp at any hope for it to work and that's what I've been doing

 

Really, the only alternative is for her to flip into being someone she isn't showing any signs or interest in becoming for either you or the preservation of your relationship or your mind. She is the one who has to make some serious changes, to atone for what she's done and from what you've written, she ain't there. She ain't gonna be there.

 

Actually, it's not hard to end it. It's quite easy to do that. The DECISION to end it is what's hard. You're hanging on to psychotic hope that she will walk through the door being someone she's not so that you don't have to feel sad, rejected, alone, etc.

 

You have given her the keys to your soul and you see how she esteems that. She doesn't have the ability to or interest in seeing your value--and to be truthful, you're not able to see your value, because people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you don't feel you deserve better from her, she sho' ain't gonna take a cue from you on that tip. She's going to treat you the way you've shown her you deserve to be treated. Now, if you believe that you have value and deserve to be treated better than that, then your actions will follow suit and you will put her out of your life for good. Even if it means you file a restraining order against her to keep her out of your sphere, do it because your sanity is riding on you standing up and standing sentry to your own boundaries.

 

When you start treating her like someone you used to didn't know, you will see your sanity returning. That girl has got problems you are not equipped to handle. Like I said earlier, she needs a psychologist, not a boyfriend. She needs to pay her own way like an adult if she's grown enough to go cheat on you for a whole year or stay gone for hours/days on end.

 

I don't know what else I can tell you to get through to you.

 

I'll leave you with this story:

A girl was standing at the edge of a fast running creek. A snake slide up beside her and said to her "I need to cross the creek, but it's flowing too swiftly and I may drown. Will you put me in your pocket and take me across to the other side?"

 

The girl said "No! You will bite me if I do that!"

 

The snake said " No I won't. I promise I won't bite you. Please let me ride in your pocket".

 

The girl thought about it and decided to pick up the snake and put him in her pocket. She waded across the fast moving water and made it to the other side. When she reached into her pocket to retrieve the snake, it bit her.

 

"Owwww!!!!" she cried. "You said you would not bite me if I gave you a ride in my pocket to the other side!!"

 

The snake said to her "But you knew what I was when you picked me up and put me in your pocket."

 

Your girlfriend is a snake. She screwed another man for a whole year without any regard for you, your esteem or the esteem of your relationship. She came back to you because she knew she could talk you into going against your best interests for her own selfish gain. The fact that your snake is repeatedly biting you every time she gaslights you, disappears then lies about conversations you've never had with her, gets enraged with you for asking questions that any couple would ask one another. She is pumping venom into your psyche every time she bites and baby boy, THAT AIN'T LOVE. A WOMAN WHO LOVES YOU DOES NOT ACT LIKE SHE DOES.

 

Yes, it's hard to leave, but you have to believe you are worth better treatment. As long as you don't feel you do, she isn't going to treat you better. Change the locks on the door, cancel her phone from your phone plan and if needs be, file a restraining order against her. She can go live with her family, since that's where see claims she's spending all of her time.

 

I sincerely appreciate all your advice and you definitely put it in ways I hadn't thought of before

[BeatsByDirk]

Starting dating someone else and just let her find out.

She sounds so nasty! Do you work out?

Do something, every excuse you make makes me cry!

I have a feeling (no eveidence)this type of situation is parentally modeled and can be modeled. Would you want your son to suffer like you, would you want you daughter to treat guys like this. Keep dating this woman and see where you find yourself!

Oh well my two cents but it's as simple as not picking up when she calls and not answering the door if she shows up.

[Rbd110]

You know what the common denominator in these relationships is OP ?

YOU

 

You let them get away with this, you seek these women and you settle for what they offer [which is selfishness].

 

It's obvious how unhealthy this one is.

 

Why don't you write down all your relationships and describe them ?

Is there a progression there ?

 

I've only had 2 serious relationships, the last one being 5 years and this one being 1.5 years, and other than that just dates and stuff. Both my serious relationships were women that needed saved in one form or another and I don't know why Id seek that out... My last ex turned very emotionally controlling but nothing even close to my current. Neither started off like that but over time it seemed like they changed. Not sure what that says about me