Baby differences

[Tinkerbell]

I have been with my fiance for 4 years (I moved in with him a fortnight after meeting) and when I first met him, made it clear that I didn't want children.

 

I have been through many major family crisises in the past 4 years which my fiance has been paramount in supporting me and loving me through.

 

We bicker occasionally and there is a problem of not enough lovemaking (six weeks ago was the last time as I remember) but I still love him desparately. Over the last few weeks he has been totally out of character with me, yelling at me for nothing whereas previously I was the 'dominant personality' in the relationship.

 

A couple of nights ago, we had our biggest blow up. He left to go back to his parents to 'cool off' until I persuaded him back and we fought through many nasty truths and untruths back and forth until 3 in the morning. He decided that after many heated discussions, the fact that he desparately wants children at some stage and I don't may well break us up.

 

It finished with him crying and saying that it (our relationship) "is all f@#ked up". He then got very cold and asked me to keep him warm in bed, which I did.

 

We both agree that we need counselling but I need to know that this has a chance of working. At the moment I feel so sick that I may lose the one person I have truely loved completely just because of a child that I'm seriously contemplating having a child (in the future) just to keep him happy. I know that this would totally unfair on the child but I love him so much and after sitting safe and snug in my little love nest for 4 years I've got a horrible feeling that there's a chance we won't be with each other in 6 months.

 

Why is it fair that when he loves me as much as he does (I have no doubts about that) that he may be prepared to give me up for a child with another woman. He is not trying to force me into this and has said that he doesn't want to ruin my life by inflicting a baby I don't want on me.

 

How do people get over this problem???

[Tony T]

This is not a problem you can surmount. You clearly told him in the beginning that you did not want any children and he continued to build on the relationship. He may have just forgotten you told him or he may have thought you'd change your mind when your biological clock picked up steam again.

 

If you don't want children, you should NOT have them for him or anyone else. Having a child to keep a romance together is like bombing your city so the enemy will no longer have a target. It's insane and completely unfair to the child.

 

Your guy doesn't understand that children will NOT make him happy. If he's not happy right now, nothing else in the world can make him happy. Happiness comes from within and not from a child, money, big houses, lavish vacations, etc. Oh, yes, those things can be nice but some of my most miserable friends are those who have ALL those things and are worth millions of dollars...not exagerating about that either.

 

A sexless relationship can be pretty taxing as well. You are head over heels for this guy now and willing to sacrifice that aspect of your relationship, but over time and especially if he keeps up this current treatment you will grow to resent the absence of sex in your relationship. Anger from rejection will build and the two of you will be doomed. You may not see that now...but it will happen in time.

 

A good counsellor should be able to sort this all out for you. Maybe you can reach a compromise on the child issue by volunteering at a children's home or shelter and taking the kids on day trips and interacting with them on a regular basis. You MUST resolve this sex issue as well. He may even be using that to punish you. Frankly, his behavior is quite bizarre, in my opinion.

 

If he wants kids because he's just looking to pass his genes on to another generation, he needs to be convinced the next generation won't miss them one bit.